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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Ds' First Overnight with Stbx and My First Weekend Alone
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tomorrow I do the first exchange with NPD STBX. I'm sure he will be fine and I've gone from total crickets to actually talking to STBX on the phone just to open up the communication channels.

I had to unblock his number from my phone, and he knew it to. He made a point to say something about me blocking his number. Just as a side note, he was drunk when we talked and he took the opportunity to be flirty, brag about how he was going to pass his psych and alcohol eval with flying colors, and tell me that I was the one who left him and how he lost everything. When I said what did you lose, he said my DS and my dog.

When talking about the weekend I did that thing that I think a lot of us do (or want to do) and asked that he take some time before introducing DS (16 months old) to anyone new (meaning his latest GF). He said "I can't promise you anything." And he made a point to tell me that his GF has a son. Which was great…I just thought…wow, you leave your wife and baby boy and immediately hook up with a single mom with a son. This is while I was still living in his town so technically this one is OW#2, but I don't really think of it like that because we were separated (even though he was still acting like he was on the fence) and the damage was done. I know I can't push that issue. It's better that I just try not to think about it. On the upside, his overnights are supervised and DS either has to sleep at his grandparents' house or one of STBX's parents have to sleep at his apartment.

Anyway…any tips or advice for not losing my mind this weekend. Everyone keeps saying to go have fun or do something for myself, and although I've gone out on the town before this, right now it's the last thing on my mind.

Any words of wisdom? I'm sure I'll get used to it one day.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 6:43 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 378 | Registered: Apr 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

If you don;t feel like going out then don't. But do do something that you normally would not have the time to do, or something that you just con't do when you have DS. Anything from binge watching Breaking Bad, to reading a book, to shopping, to going for a run,...whatever. I always look forward to cooking food that *I* like when DD is away. Stuff that she does not like so I don't cook when she is here because I will not make 2 dinners.

Oh, and sleep in!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
suckstobeme
♀ Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to want to punch people square in the face if they told me to do something for myself and try to have fun when the kids first started having overnights with exWH. I was so sad and out of control, how the fuck was a pedicure or a facial going to help?? At least that was my thought.

It does get better and I promise you will start to enjoy your time alone. Even if you stay in your pajamas, eat take out and watch movies all weekend - you will start to get used to it and actually like it. Until then, surround yourself with good friends and family so you feel safe and loved. Lose yourself in a book. Find a project that needs finishing in the house or at work and focus on that. Treat yourself to a nice coffee. Get a new cook book and make yourself a good meal. Get a bottle of wine and just hang out with your BFF.

These are not lofty aspirations. Those will come to you eventually. For now, just focus on surviving and starting to learn how you want to spend your time to yourself.

As far as your dick head ex bringing other women around DS, you can try to stop that by including it in the D papers, but it is a tough fight that most people just ignore anyway. Don't let it drive you crazy wondering whether he will or he won't. He probably will - he's clearly a substandard parent and, if nothing else, will want help caring for DS when he's alone with him.

No one will ever replace mommy. Ever. You're his whole world. No gf will ever come close.

(((((New mom)))))


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2882 | Registered: Jan 2011
osxgirl
♀ Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my experience -

Even though you aren't in a mood to do anything... do. It really, really sucks, but the best thing you can do for yourself is ignore those "I don't want to" feelings, and make yourself do something. Anything.

When my X first walked out, I made myself start going to things at church. I went out with friends. I got involved in the singles group at church. I made myself continue playing in the band at church... and that was a rough one. I can't tell you how many Sunday mornings I sat up at the keyboard playing and the tears would start. I just kept playing and got through it. (And yeah, most of the church ended up knowing what was going on... but it was a good thing. I got lots of support.)

There were a few times when I felt I just couldn't handle it... cancelled a plan, or just decided not to go anywhere or do anything. The result was I laid in bed crying and going through things in my mind over and over. The times I broke NC, it was usually when I was sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

Keeping busy wasn't to keep myself from thinking about it at all - I still did, even when I was doing other things. But making plans and keeping busy helped keep me from starting the pity party of one. It helped me get back my self-esteem. It helped me realize that the crap coming from the X designed to make me feel worse about myself was exactly that - crap.

You know how they say "fake it 'til you make it"? That's what it is.


Posts: 2412 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, it was all about preparation. Just like overnights at grandparents or relatives, if I know my kids have everything they need, I'm more at ease.

Take some time before the exchange to write down any tips or routines you would like Stbx to know about for DS. This way you do not have to have a long face to face, or multiple phone calls during his parenting time. I also found that it gives me peace of mind to know that "DS's bedtime routine" is written down for the Stbx. You cannot control if he'll use it, but you can at least know that you've made the information available. Think of it as a 'babysitter list' without the contact info.

That being said, don't send anything with DS that you would be upset to never see again. Your Stbx should get anything for DS that he would need during his time. If you're feeling generous and can afford it, buy a duplicate of DS's favorite snuggle toy to live at Stbx's place.

Don't worry about doing anything special for yourself. This is the first visit, so let's be realistic, it's hard. I would just say to keep yourself busy. It's a good time to sort through outgrown clothes if you think you can handle it. Or take the time to run errands and grocery shop. Even if it's just doing laundry or yard work, keep busy

((NewMom0220))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1980 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
littlefoggy
♀ Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((hugs!!))

I look forward to my weekends. (Don't tell NPDSTBX, he might stop taking DD ) The first was nerve-wracking. I don't think I slept much.

It isn't very much time at all that I get alone to do stuff I can't do with DD around. My favorite thing to do is see a movie, in a movie theater. No pressure. Just a movie.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 8:59 PM, June 26th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 498 | Registered: Nov 2013
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NewMom))) Believe it or not, it won't be long before you start really looking forward to those weekends when you get to do what-ever-YOU-want.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17712 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm shocked that he is allowed overnights with a child under 2 years old! I have a feeling either stbx's mom is going to be watching him or stbx's girlfriend.

I don't have any experience in this department but I can give you a ton of hugs (((((NM0220))))) (((((NM0220))))) (((((NM0220))))) (((((NM0220))))) (((((NM0220)))))

Keep in touch with us over the weekend. I would like to know if you are ok.


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2304 | Registered: Oct 2012
katiesmom
♀ Member
Member # 39074
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((NewMom0220)))

I know how you feel. The first time my daughter started her weekend visits with her dad, I was heartbroken. I missed her so much. And just a couple of months later, I was having to adjust to the idea of my daughter having the OW as her new "stepmom" and the overnight visits now included the homewrecker. Not easy.

If you feel like it, try to keep busy. Don't feel like you have to go out and be a social butterfly, because most likely, you won't feel like it at first. But try to keep busy around the house, go for walks or exercise, go shopping or maybe watch a movie. Before you know it, the weekend will be over and your baby boy will be back home with you.

Take care of yourself and remember, it's OK to be a little sad. This is a huge adjustment. It will take time, but it will get easier.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Kentucky
GetEvenInAZ
♀ Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made sure my IRL support network knew 1st weekend alone and they all agreed to be "on call" if needed them. I was fortunate in that a couple of friends in apt complex were avaibable for last minute "get out!" Situations. But what really happened is took loooong showers, ate crap food never would with girls around. Watched movies i wanted to watch. Journaled and cried without worrying kids would intrude. My IRL support was in constant contact to make sure i was ok cuz they didn't here from me.
YOU WILL GET THRU THIS!! The 1st is t he hardest,but they become easier once you see life beyond X and kids!


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
GetEvenInAZ
♀ Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to add...I never thought of it as being alone. It was more "me, myself, and I" and reacquainting myself with who i was before xSO and kids.


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
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