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Newest Member: Makeitstop85 (44953)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Ended relationship with new guy last night
annanew
♀ New Member
Member # 43693
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think you are insecure because of your past, without a doubt. Was there a problem with this guy? Maybe not for others, but he wasn't the right person for you right now because he either didn't have the time or didn't have the emotional savvy to recognize your insecurities and try to reassure you.

I do think it's better not to seek advice here about some things. Reactions here can be a little extreme, since everyone here has been burned at least once. If someone does something that bugs you or that you can't interpret, either talk to them about it directly or else wait a few weeks and see if it still bothers you. No one is going to be perfect and if you post about little imperfections they are going to be blown out of all proportion and it will certainly color how you see things.


Happy single mom to a sweet little girl.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A good guy would not have made that comment about your appearance when you put in the effort to dress sexy for him. Mean-spirited "joking" is an example of verbal abuse and priming a victim.

My belief is that he was testing your boundaries (albeit most likely unintentionally) to see if you'd be a willing candidate to put up with emotional and verbal abuse.

I agree with this. I've BTDT with these types of guys. A good guy is not going to say something like that to you. That is akin to a smack in the face.

You said you weren't even really attached to this guy. So there is something else going on here....

What is really bothering you here? Do you feel like he might be your only chance at a decent relationship? Or something else? Do you just not trust yourself to make the right decisions in love just yet?

After you heal, get some alone time to strengthen yourself, and start dating someone that deserves you, you are going to wonder why you were willing to settle for so little.....you deserve to have a guy that makes you feel secure and valued. This guy can't. He doesn't have it in him. You know this. He will NEVER have it in him (he even acknowledged he is not good at making women happy.)

Thing is, if it was important to him to make women happy, he would figure it out. It isn't really that difficult. He just doesn't care enough. He isn't going to change.

You did the right thing. Be proud of yourself for sticking to your guns here. There is a guy out there that will make the time for you. It just isn't him.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15229 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You said you weren't even really attached to this guy. So there is something else going on here....

What is really bothering you here? Do you feel like he might be your only chance at a decent relationship? Or something else? Do you just not trust yourself to make the right decisions in love just yet?

I'm not sure. I wasn't that attached to him. I feel fondly toward him, but I don't love him. I think maybe it's that I feel sad over the loss of the possibility of a good relationship?

I also don't trust myself to make the right decisions in relationships yet. I'm trying to listen to my gut feeling and trust myself more, which is why I made this decision and went through with it. But I still doubt myself.

I think I'm also scared that I'm never going to find someone that is right for me. I always have the same problems in every relationship. And I guess I'm worried that the problem is me. That I'm broken. That I'll never be happy with someone. That I expect too much. That I want something that doesn't exist.

I'm okay being alone. I have friends and hobbies. I'm traveling solo to Paris, and I'm excited. But I also long to find someone that loves me and that I love. I want a family. I'm turning 30 this year. I just thought that I would have gotten married by now. I wanted kids. I want security. I want to go home to someone.

Last weekend I was happy. I was with friends, and happy. This weekend I feel so lonely. I got invited to go to a music thing tonight, and I'm debating just staying home. Sometimes I feel so lonely, even when I'm with a crowd of people.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have one ex that I've stayed in contact with. We dated for four years, and it ended mutually. He's now engaged to one of my high school friends, and they just moved across country together. I spoke with him on the phone just now, and he was telling me about some problems that they're having adjusting to the move. But he was talking about how great she was, and several times said about how he likes her personality better than mine. How she's chill and relaxed where I was tense. How she's not jealous and I was. How this and how that. Then he said something about how he was glad we stayed friends, and that she doesn't care because he didn't love me for the last 5-6 months that we were together.

Normally, wouldn't bother me at all. I think they make a great couple. But ouch today wasn't the best day to hear how much better another girl is than I was.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Jul 2013
finallymefirst
♀ Member
Member # 41060
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Lonelygirl)))) F.T.G. !!!!

Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normally, wouldn't bother me at all.

It should! That is terrible stuff to say to someone, and probably not true at all. If it was he probably would have felt bad for even thinking it and wouldn't dream of saying it.


I think I'm also scared that I'm never going to find someone that is right for me. I always have the same problems in every relationship.

I think the problem might be that you give the wrong guys too many chances. Frog's don't turn into princes.


Posts: 3388 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm also scared that I'm never going to find someone that is right for me. I always have the same problems in every relationship. And I guess I'm worried that the problem is me.
I think the only problem with you is that you settle too easily, or you put up with too much for some reason. I had a string of really bad relationships, one psycho after another. I was sure I was going to only date psychopaths and that I would never find a decent guy. I took a break for about a year, worked on my issues, my FOO problems, my feelings about bad boys and excitement. I decided that I really wanted a different type of guy, one that could be nice to me, and I learned somehow to stop being attracted to the bad boy type.

I'm not sure how I did that. Maybe it was after I realized what was going on, and that most bad boys are narcissistic children. That made them less attractive to me, because I want a grown-up this time.

But it took time. I struggled with this issue, actually for the past few years, even while dating my XSO. He actually helped me to see that even though he could be fun and exciting, he was still a child inside, and that quit appealing to me at some stage.

And the ex you stayed in contact with? Dump him. He isn't a friend. That is some really shitty stuff to say to you. There is no reason for him to be telling you how much better she is for him than you, and how she makes him happier. That isn't nice either. Quit settling for losers in your life. If you are okay alone, wait for real friends, that will boost you up instead of knock you down.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15229 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not attracted to bad boys. At all. I usually feel turned off by bad boys. I'm attracted to shy, dorky guys. My friends all make fun of me because I always go for the tall, awkward looking guys. Every guy I've dated except one has done IT work. They usually all play video games. I'm attracted to dorky guys.

My IC said that I attract broken guys though. She said that I like to take care of people, and so that's the type of guy that I attract.

I've reached a point to where I really, really want to break my habits. I want to be in a good, mature, healthy relationship. I just don't know how to get there.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Jul 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG10, what's your current situation WRT therapy/counseling? I switched to a CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) counselor a couple months ago, and I really, really think that paradigm would work for you. See my new signature. Being upset and crying, it's gonna happen, but I'm learning that we really can choose how we respond to others' words and actions.

He said that I'm leaving just as his schedule was finally slowing down, and said how unfair it was.

Uh-huh.

I really struggled with not giving in and giving it more time, but I stayed firm.

Well done.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in IC for about 8 months, and then she told me that she didn't think I needed it anymore. I've considered either going to see her again, or going to see a new counselor. I don't know if my original IC would be helpful at this point. I've looked around and I even called a new IC to make an appointment. She was closed the day I called though, and I didn't call back.

I struggle with the decision to get IC. I know it's all confidential, but I still worry about it somehow getting out with my job. I went right after Dday because I was in a very bad place. I know I should probably go back, but it's hard for me to do that for some reason. I guess it feels like admitting that there's something wrong with me. Which, I mean, I guess there is.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1165 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There isn't anything "wrong" with you. Therapy, for me at least, is about learning who *I* am and being comfortable with that person. Making good emotional decisions and making them for the right reason. Talking things out and confirming my way is OK.

Interview a few IC's to find one that you...like.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4144 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
butterfly13
♀ New Member
Member # 41847
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear lonelygirl, I absolutely agree with everything Naiveagain has said here but I would like to add the following:
*this guy was not sufficiently emotionally available to give you what you have a right to expect from a man in a relationship. Have a good cry,be sad for a few days and then gently close this chapter in your mind.
* if you want to attract "high value men",you have to believe you are a "high value woman"first and foremost. Work on you and believe in you first.
*keep your married/coupled friends but get out there and make new ones. There are plenty of female and male singles out there your age who will change your perspective on how fab it is to be single at 29 :-)
*as for Paris...I live here and since my marriage blew up,I've learned to do a lot of fabulous things in this marvelous city alone. Let me know and I'll send you a list.;-)
Sending virtual hug.


Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 14 yrs
DS:9, DD:5
DDay: Aug '13 LTA

Posts: 28 | Registered: Dec 2013
threeofus
♀ Member
Member # 9242
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LG10, I just read your posts and felt like I could have written them myself. I am amazed. I hope you feel better and heal soon!


D-Day: 08-10-05
Married: 18 Years
Together : 19 Years
Kids: 23 Year Old Daughter
me: BS, 44

him: WS, 42
Separated November 08
File for D January 09
D May 2010
Dated SO 3 Years
D Day 07 05 14

Boiled down to being with someone I cou


Posts: 285 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: maryland
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the "joking" killed any chance of a healthy relationship with this guy.

He said hurtful things to you, teased, and criticized. And then he called it "joking".

Lonelygirl, it wasn't funny. Those are not jokes. Those are barbs. You might have laughed because there was no other reaction possible at the time, and he was probably laughing hahaha at how he got away with hurting you hahaha.

I'm proud of you for not settling for such a poor candidate for a partner. Be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for ending it. Of course endings are sad, but you can move on with confidence that you are taking care of you and being selective on who you allow to get close to you.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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