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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks.

Full of holes has it worse.

Sorry for him. Sucks.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Full of holes has it worse.


And I got it good. And I know it. No kids. No cash. I'm exactly 11 feet from a palm tree. 18 miles from a beach bar with $1 Bud Light after 4. I still have to deal with my shit. We all do.



Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 754 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for him.

Me too. Don't minimize your own pain.

HFoH,

She retained an attorney this morning.

Do so yourself, you have no clue how long she has been playing you. The rules of the game have changed.

also in the past tense. It feels like a bunch of I'm sorry messages that will eventually be followed by goodbye

I'm sorry, it *feels* to me that she's been keeping you off balance while she gets her ducks in a row. Why didn't she inform you it was time to get a D rather than retaining a L first. Concerned for you brother. My XW was setting me up also. Unfortunately, she pushed 1 too many buttons and I filed first. The amount of information she had amassed was staggering.

Watch your ass. A divorce is not for the faint of heart.

Sending strength brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gents glad to be a part of a group that no one every wants to join....

HFOH, I'm sorry to hear about your sitch. You need to see an attorney ASAP. I was fortunate in that my X and I were able to amicably dissolve our marriage. Now if I could just get the dumb beyatch to quit texting me, I'd be doing much better....


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 165 | Registered: Apr 2014
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fmr,

Why not get a new number and let only those you care about know it?

It's like a $10 charge on most carriers.

On a somewhat related note, had to give my niece a ride to work this am and she opened up about her last BF which was a nasty break-up. Found out he had other 2-3 women. Like to play them off each other. The other women were also loose, so she had to go to be tested for STD's.

By the way, she's 17 and had to tell her parents she was sexually active and the issue so they could drive her.

WTF has this world come too?! Sodom and Gomorrah is making a return!


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 221 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frmr, my apologies. Welcome! Glad to have you, hate that you needed us.

Great entry!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had 4 daughters and two sons.

Had all the daughters on BCP before they were 16, once they had steady (read more than 3 dates) boyfriends. Nobody got pregnant. Thats what I was shooting for. All of my other duties as a Dad were less important to their futures than that one thing!

If they are very cute, very experienced and good looking kids hit on them and hit well(one of mine is a successful model, in TV ads, magazines, etc); if they aren't, they have to put out to level the field. Either way it's bad for Dad.

Yeah, in an ideal world, abstinence is best, but we all know too well, this aint an ideal world!!

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 8:12 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning Gents, I've been off the grid for awhile, vacationing in Florida. Sunsets isn't the only one looking at palm trees and white sand these days. More than a few pelicans, too. Soon enough it'll be back to the desert and its brown sand and mountains, so I'll enjoy the greenery while it lasts.

For those of you who golf, I had an epically horrible round yesterday. One of those rounds where you have no tempo, timing or feel. And the course was short, tight, tree-lined, and full of doglegs. You get the picture. The scorecard was destroyed immediately afterwards.

The best part of the vacation (so far) is that WW and I are getting along famously. In the two weeks leading up to it, I gave her the silent treatment, at least when I wasn't giving her hell. Year 2 has been brutal, R isn't for sissies, yada yada. The MC even called me while we were on the road, to see how things were going. I'll give the WW credit, the past two weeks have been hell for her but she seems determined to stick it out.

What can I say? Being completely screwed over by my own wife does not make me a very pleasant person at times. But going on 17 months out, I'm starting to realize that it cannot always be this way. This is no way for either of us to live. Or our kids. We don't fight in their presence but you can cut the tension with a knife at times. But lately we're back in lovey-dovey mode (our oldest daughter says we're "bipolar"), so maybe the thing to do is just enjoy the highs and prepare for the lows of R.

It's great to see this thread cooking right out of the gate. You Menz are the best thing on the net.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH5

I'm with wal on the star wars van.
I don't care how embarrassed my kids might get I'd be rockin that shit everywhere. Grocery store, gymnastics, family reunion, pretty much anywhere it can be seen by lots of people. I might even drive it to walmart parking lots and then just sit so everyone could admire.

2013 Dodge Grand Caravan

WAL, Its okay man, this too shall pass. You might want to speed the process up by putting a rock on the accelerator and sending it over a cliff though. Then go buy the biggest gas guzzling assault wagon you can find, its the american way you know.

DR! - check it out - they even have a glass!

You know being that I tend to gravitate to technology, hearing that a glass was designed in a high-tech lab to give me the best taste peeks my interest. However some things just need to be done the old fashioned way. And when I hear "designed through the collaborative efforts of the monks", well that's the glass I'd buy.
FYI WW = FAIL didn't get my glasses for fathers day, looks like I'm ordering them myself.

I've been off the grid for awhile, vacationing in Florida

Welcome back SAL. I just got back from an extended vacation as well. Found that spending that much time with her was nice, but also realized being around her that much served as a constant reminder of what she had done. I don't look at her the same way anymore, and didn't enjoy myself nearly as much as I should have.
Guess that's why R is a never-ending process for the betrayed.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 1:04 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 543 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AmIright @ my memory of cold-shipping when they started?

JJ - That seems to be my memory, too. I can't find any "official" documentation on that, but then again most alcohol-related sites are blocked here at work. Seems to me like it was part of their advertising campaign back in the day, too. All I know is that I keep it cold in my fridge, and a can of it feels good pressed against the forehead after cutting the grass.

Sal - Sounds like this vacation may have helped you get back into an upswing? Whatever it is, I am glad to hear you are in a better spot than the last few weeks. Sounds also like you have a pretty decent MC.

That Star Wars van is badass!!


Posts: 7111 | Registered: Dec 2010
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is currently in the fog and I'm starting to worry if she will ever come out of it.

What are your thoughts on giving her info or articles on the fog so she can see for herself how deep into it she is?


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jun 2014
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BBlues

Glad you found us, sorry your here.

I don't see anything on your profile to indicate how long you've been waiting for the fog to clear.
How long are we talking here?

I can only speak to my experience. On DDay2 she actually confessed out of the blue to everything, she said she couldn't live with the lies anymore. I would think that would be the optimal situation for the fog to clear quickly. It didn't, it still took a couple of months for her to put the emotions of it aside and cognitively be able to process anything I put in front of her.
She tried to listen and read but it just didn't seem to compute. As far as she was concerned none of it applied because our situation was different. After all in her own words "she's not a slut like the rest of those wives that cheat, for her its wasn't about sex, and it only happened a few times" Complete bullshit and minimilazation of course. But that was her line of thinking until she found herself removing the fog. At that point I start to accelerate things, firstly she needed a good read like "Not Just Friends" That one seemed to help a lot.
Eventually it happened but not in the time frame I wanted or needed.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 2:15 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 543 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi BB. I’ve been following your thread. You are going to have an extra hard time with your WW because she chose OM. The only reason she is no longer in the A is because they were caught and OM broke off all contact with her which she did not want. That’s fucking harsh. I would say go ahead and give her those things and make her read if you want to. It can’t hurt. However, I wouldn’t expect much from her at this point. Can’t remember if it was suggested in your thread or not, but did you get the books Not Just Friends or How to Help Your Partner Heal from the Affair?

Your WW is still way into the fog my friend. I’m very sorry.

ETA - And welcome!!

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 2:21 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2101 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
BaltimoreBlues
♂ New Member
Member # 43845
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's only been a couple of weeks so maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Jun 2014
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, and welcome, BB!

My first suggestion to you was going to be looking at the 180, but then I went back and looked at your original thread in JFO, and saw that you are already practicing that, or working on that. That is good. Right now, especially with your wife in the fog, it is of key importance for you to take care of yourself. Unfortunately you can't control how your wife acts, thinks, or feels, as much as you would want to.

Have you seen a lawyer, just to see what your basic rights are "just in case"? I'd recommend at least doing a consultation with the best lawyer in town. Usually a consultation costs no more than a couple of hundred bucks, and once you do that consultation, your name is listed as their client, and they are off limits to your wife, should things ever go down that route. I'm not saying things are going to go down that route, just that it doesn't hurt to prepare for as many possible scenarios as you can.

If you are going to give your wife something to read, I second the "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From An Affair" book suggestion. It is short, and to the point. Another suggestion is maybe going in to the WS forum, and copying the text out of original post of "Things that every WS needs to know" into a Word doc, and printing it out for her. Here's a link to that article:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250

Best of luck to you, BB... keep talking to us. We're here for you.


Posts: 7111 | Registered: Dec 2010
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CVS,

I really like my number and I don't want to give it up. I've had it for a very long time. In addition, I didn't do anything wrong and I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of having to make any more changes in my life. If she continues, I'll pay "Can You Hear Me Now" $5/month to permanently block her.

Baltimore Blues, I've been following your thread and YOP is correct, you are in for a tough road. It's bad enough that they cheat but then to compound the pain by continuing to have feelings for POSOM and then TT you to death is a real fucking killer. Please keep posting as many of the guys on this thread have BTDT and have the battle scars and wisdom to guide you along.


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 165 | Registered: Apr 2014
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred, a picture is going to take some time. The car is still at the house and I'm not there anymore.

JJCT, It has had a little work, but nothing that doesn't match original. I think around 96k. I have not driven it in probably 10 years. I will likely be getting it redone after the divorce so I have something nice in the garage to drive on sunny days. In the past STBXWW always had something else to spend our money on. The problem with continuing MC, etc. is I'm not sure if I am a good enough actor to sell that I'm not detaching and moving on.

WAL, I contemplated buying a Lotus a few years ago, but living on a gravel road says that's a really bad idea. New house will not have that problem, but the divorce will likely put that purchase on hold.

Sunsets, It doesn't have an eight track? Yes the wife payments are going to suck. We'll see about the child support. They are really pissed at her right now.

Bob, don't diminish your pain. Dealing with pain/triggers and trying to reconcile is unbelievably hard!

5454, Retaining a lawyer is on my short list. I have already talked to a couple and I think I know which one I'm going to pick. I just need to decide and pay the retainer. I'm not certain this is overt manipulation. In her mind she has all these things she wants to say before she filed. She want's everything to have a pretty bow on it and it's probably also her way to alleviate some of her shame (i.e. she said she's sorry so everything is magically better now). It's similar to why she had to spend three months writing various parts of a goodbye letter to OM. She want's to do a collaborative divorce to save money so hopefully that goes well and things don't get nasty.

CVS, I have a 17 year old daughter who I am fairly sure is being a good girl, but I am seriously concerned that all the crap that is going on in her life could have some serious negative consequences.

BBlues, After two years my STBXWW is still in the fog to some extent because she can't deal with the shame of admitting she really did something that bad, so sorry to say they don't always figure it out. The two books recommended and the link out of the wayward section are all excellent.

And to everyone thank you for the kind words of support! They are appreciated.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2014
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB,

Have you heard the saying sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it? I think anecdotally in situations like yours it's pretty accurate. What's your wife's incentive to come out of the fog? She apparently is comfortable there. They either need to WANT to come out of it or get shocked out of it. My wife was in the fog for a couple of months - until she found out that she was just one of the women in her AP's harem. Once she realized that everything I was saying about her AP not caring about her, that she was just his girl Tuesday (or Wednesday) was true, it hit her hard. So unless your wife comes to that realization on her own, that she really wasn't special to him, she'll probably stay in the fog. So shock her out of it - file for divorce. If that doesn't wake her up at least you can start taking care of you. And filing for divorce does not equal divorcing - it just gets the process started. Keep posting. We aren't from the government, but we are here to help.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3941 | Registered: Dec 2011
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^That's why "shut up tred!" is NOT the official SI motto.

While no 2 situations are exactly alike, there are more similarities across our stories than you'd realize. One of the few smart things I did in the early days after d-day (thanks to advice received here) was push my WW off the fence. I knew where she may land, but for my own sanity, I had to do it. She chose a life without me which hurt like all hell, and still does sometimes. But, it gave me direction. It made it clear what I had to do next, not what my heart thought I wanted to do.

BB - not saying which side you wife will land on for sure, but letting her stay in the fog absolutely does you no good. Stay strong brother, and keep working on the one thing you have all control over - you. You're worth it.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1116 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB - welcome here, glad you're learning to be strong. Feels good, doesn't it?
Part (hell, maybe all) of the fog = "chemicals of attraction" look it up. They really are drug addicts, to the chemicals their own brains are making.

HFOH - You know the usual advice about MC (listen up BB), useless waste of time with the non-remorseful, and it's incredibly damaging to the BS to have to hear how the "M contributed to the A", &/or what you can do to 'affair-proof' your M & other underwear jelly.

BUT

you said collaborative D. I'm wondering @ that.
I'm wondering if there's an MC that specializes in that - helping couples thru it. hmm. Maybe you could call and ask an attorney's assistant for a counseling lead (aren't there L's who specialize in CD?).

About 'acting'. I get it. It takes practice and methods to give you time to detach. Sometimes, simply repeating a statement or question (in the interest of making sure you are clear about what is being said of course ) helps.
More here - could you bump it after reading?

The 90:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=533065

After things settle down and you and DD's get a bit more tucked in on track & on a good road of healing,
pics of a '68 bird with less than 100K must be posted!

Saw this a few days ago lol!.
.



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