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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aren't there L's who specialize in CD?
Yes there are and she retained one. Both the attorneys I talked to do collaboration as well though one has much more trial experience (worked as a PD for a while). I think he's my first choice since I'm confident he can handle anything that may come up.

Acting in some situations is borderline lying and I think we all know how we feel about lying! Though thanks for the tips and I do understand that sometimes a few minutes with an impartial person can make things go much more smoothly. I'm not certain our MC would be best for that because it's not about trying to get us back together, it's about keeping everyone calm and on the same page. I'll read up on the 90 later.

'67 my friend, '67. Yes you'll get a picture. I'll even do a hand written note just for you and Tred lest you think I'm telling a tall tale.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2014
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any of ya'll in r feel like the guy with the really big teddy bear at the fair? It was cool to win, but now you have to figure out what to do with it, and you really don't want it.

M seems that way to me.

Maybe it is just mid-life. Its quittin time, gonna go drink some and ponder.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5395 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

64.
Its hard to NOT feel like a chump. Accepting a WW back after she disrespected us. Lied to us. Stole time and money from us and our relationship. Had lots and lots and lots of sex with a OM. and all the while we were laughed at by them both. I cant think of a better word to describe it other than chump.

We fought hard for our M. Held true to our vows. Had integrity. And now (maybe) we won.

Hard to not feel like a chump who won the booby prize. We got that big pink stuffed elephant. And now we got to walk out to the parking lot and put it in our car and ride home.

Uh. Yeh. BTDT.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed HFOH, which is a testament to the firmness of your morality, brother. In those situations where it's about survival, or walking away with the best healthy outcome for you and your dear ones without being destructive toward another (the chosen audience - your stbx), it's not lying. It's protecting yourself.
Sure, you bet, my own personal sitch colors what I say, sometimes with deeper or more vibrant colors than others at times.

You will see I often advise others not to tell
- what they know when they jfo, to lay low and collect more info
- @ telling the OBS
- when they're filing for D: just do it
because there are "some situations" where one needs to be safe, and being safe is 'going dark' about your plans while you enact & implement them.

It just makes sense, again, in some situations, to give no hint of your plans, and a large part of that is when having to do it with someone who has experience gauging your emotional temperature, who, at the same time, is out to destroy you.

If you can have a successful CD, that's great (as "great" as any D can be said to be, right?)

Acting can be said to be:
Using imaginative ways to not tell who you are.
Some people do not deserve to know who you are.

It's not lying. It's just not telling.

Doing it for healthy purposes (surviving), without destructive intent is ok in my book.
And that means it doesn't have to be ok in yours - your sitch is different.


Posts: 6580 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last summer the nightmare began.

I spent hundreds of hours backing into phone numbers, matching her days off work with hotel credit card bills. It was a hobby, an obsession really. I had a big poster board to organize, like a detective solving a crime. By the time I confronted her I had even bugged the phone gpsed the car, had video and tape secretly running at home. I had some financial resources, and was desperate to learn the truth. The days she was with other men, including my birthday, are seared into my memory forever, like an upside down Christmas Day.

And those dates, they are rolling around again for the first time. July 2, when it all started.

I love my wife. I even forgive her. But I think my pain at this point is close to unbearable. She knows it, is trying to help, apologizes. It helps for a moment, like a brief respite between labor contractions, and then the pain bears down on me again.

I've saved a few lives. Lost a few too. Had a brother die young. Lost a father. Bailed out a bankrupt sibling. Supported my widowed mother. I've been around the world. I have 27 years of schooling. Put 6 kids through college.

And I am helpless against this.

As are, I guess, all of us.

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 9:23 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitrobob - We do get it. We do. Nothing prepares you for this level of betrayal. There are literally scientific studies on this sad matter proving that infidelity is up there amongst the most egregious tragedies we can face. Before my ex-wife's infidelity, I had buried more than my share of family and friends. I buried a stillborn child, and soon after, the chance to ever have natural children with my ex-wife. I loved her regardless. I was more than willing to have a life with no children if it meant I was still with her. I don't expect honors or congrats for that - it was just me and my love for her. I stood beside her through the worst times of our lives. In the end, after all that, it's not enough for her and her "needs."

Again, we don't compare scars because pain is pain, and we're all here because we know the pain. Our stories are as different as they are the same. Just know, and I mean know, that you have a hell of a support system here. This site saved my life and many others, and that's not hyperbole. We know the pain, we survive it, and we have your back. Post and post some more, let us help you, and know that this too shall pass. You have it within you. Let us help.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, MoS hit it.

Bottom line. She fucked another dude. Honestly, even though the physical aspect hurt, it was her telling him she *loved* him that has come the closest to breaking me.

She *knew* that I had been cheated on in 4 other LTR's. She *knew* that I had gone through a bitter custody battle that left me penniless and 50k in the hole. She *knew* that my one goal was a stable family and I would give anything for it. She *knew* that I stuck by her side while she went through 10 major surgeries and spent another 100k. She *knew* that I still tucked her in bed and kissed her on the forehead and told her "sweet dreams princess" even as she shut off sex and told me I just was with her for the sex when we were down to 2X/month. She *knew* I stayed with her as her weight ballooned(due to inactivity from the surgeries) to more than double what it was when we met.

Know what? She fucked another dude.

There's a crapload of more circumstances surrounding it, but my point to you is, face them. Deal with them. Only you know what *all* of them are. Don't compare. This is all a shit sandwich and the only difference between any of us is how it was served. Hell, wanna read a horror story? Check out Stu23. His answers to his situation are the same as ours. Fix you first. Then worry about the M.

I love my wife. I even forgive her. But I think my pain at this point is close to unbearable. She knows it, is trying to help, apologizes. It helps for a moment, like a brief respite between labor contractions, and then the pain bears down on me again.

Find you. Who are you outside of her? That's where(even with a remorseful WW) you will find the answer to where you are going. Is she doing enough to overcome your natural instincts to run? You have seen what she is capable of. She's off her pedestal. Are her current actions enough?

Again,, find you. Answer that question when you are comfortable in your own skin. Phrased differently, *are you willing to let go of the M?* Is she doing enough to become a partner?

Great start looking within.

And I am helpless against this.

Nope, you're not. It's your choice how you deal with these feelings.

Find you.


[This message edited by 5454real at 10:53 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2826 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitro, we absolutely understand. I hit the 1 year mark last November and it sucked big time. I was angry, I was depressed, I wanted to stay, I wanted to go, and sometimes it seemed like I felt all that at the same time. WW was excitedly planning a cruise she was going on with her best friend the next week so she was oblivious to it. I had nowhere really to turn but here, and I'm glad I did. Anything you need from us to get through this we're here to give you. It sucks shit and will for a bit, but you'll come out the other side intact, I promise.

You've been through a lot in your life brother, but there is -nothing- that can ever prepare you for going through this ultimate betrayal. Sending strength to you.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony
2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 263 | Registered: Dec 2012
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Bob - My heart goes out to you. Those antiversary dates are rough as hell. For me, the anticipation of those dates were even worse than the dates ended up being. You'll get through this. You have the strength to do it. Even if it feels unbearable, keep moving forward. Things will get better, and you will heal. We all here are helpless against what has been done to us in the past. We do have some measure of control over what happens in the present and in the future.

Hang in there. Strength to you.


Posts: 7051 | Registered: Dec 2010
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apropos of nothing:

I think the next BM thread should be Betrayed Men Part 22 (+Rebreather), because she cracks me up like a dude.

Losfer needs to make that happen.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6744 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And Tesla, Pass gave her honorary *dudehood*. Irrespective of genitalia.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2826 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll get right on that, fellers. Can't make any promises, though.


Posts: 7051 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*pshaw*
I got about a double-handful of wimmenz-to-dude nominees!

HFOH, thanks for bumping - we even cross-posted.

I went to check on it this am, and after posting at 6:30 last nite,
it's already on pg. 2!

I have never seen G move so quickly!
Man, that place is getting a lot of action.


Posts: 6580 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as I respect the womenz, I'm going to politely say what the fuck are you thinking? Next thing you know we'll be discussing curtains and thread count instead of cars and beer. And shoes. The menz thread will be full of shoe porn! Excuse me while I go scratch myself where men are inclined to scratch themselves.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3926 | Registered: Dec 2011
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the laugh this morning Tred


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52188 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:05 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next thing you know we'll be discussing curtains and thread count

Dude... we need to know these things for the curtains and linens in WAL's van.


Posts: 7051 | Registered: Dec 2010
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Came across an article that might be of interest to the menz...the author is @ 'runaway husbands', not about us, however, in this - she describes some fundamental differences btwn menz & wimmenz concepts or approaches to M's.
Something to chew on for breakfast.
(I'll hold your beer, Tred)

http://tinyurl.com/oowa4g4


Posts: 6580 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought that article was trash, JJ. Just my opinion, though. It totally ignores the idea that many of us guys didn't just get married for the woman...we bought into the entire love-and-marriage package.

This article makes it seem like men cheating is just us being true to our nature, which is a premise I fundamentally reject.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2073 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I am helpless against this
.I don't think we are helpless, but we had no idea we needed to learn how to handle a situation like this so we are deficient in the skills required to deal with infidelity. If she hasn't read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" I would suggest you get her a copy. Sending you strength Bob. Antiversaries really suck!

I'm with Tred on the woman posting here. I have enjoyed interacting with them in other threads, but this thread has a different feel and we don't want to mess with the magic.

JJ, While some of the article makes sense I also have a problem with the implied conclusion. I married my wife to create a family and that family is now being ripped apart because of her selfishness. To say that this makes me sad is an understatement!


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

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