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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand! I didn't mean to cause triggers or sorrow...I didn't post that to stir that up!
I'm sorry.
It just made sense to me - not the inevitability of us cheating part! - but the part of marrying *the woman* - it made sense to me.
I wasn't thinking @ car, house, home...yeah, those things were nice, it's just not where my focus was - it was her.
When the kids came along, yes, family was the focus, but it was their comfort and security that was my focus...

Gah! I'm not explaining this well.
I'm truly sorry I posted it - I can see how the concl. she made sux...it didn't ping my radar at the time...


Posts: 6646 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No apologies needed, JJ.

I can see what you were going for there. It didn't really trigger me, I just disagreed with the assertion of the author.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2172 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement. It helped knowing I wasn't alone.

The lead up was worse than the anniversary day so far, as someone had suggested. Something about right before you go to sleep, this stuff sneaks in.

WW is trying to get an 'A' in R, so I have no complaints there. Seems sincere, says all the right things. When they are gas lighting and blame shifting and fence sitting, at least you know how they REALLY feel. When she is being sweet, I feel like I'm about to get caught in the web! Come here, little boy, I have some chocolates for you.

She's always asking what can She can do to make me feel better. I'm thinking, well the green pill from the Matrix or a fucking time machine would be nice.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell ó 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um, . . . I don't want to be chauvinist or anything . . .GULP!

I do agree with Tred and I am presently sober. That is all.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's always asking what can She can do to make me feel better. I'm thinking, well the green pill from the Matrix or a fucking time machine would be nice.

WW used to ask me this. I would always answer *tell me the truth give me the whole story*. She said she did but when ever I would ask a question I would get the *I dont remember* line.

I think WW was REALLY asking *what can I do to make you shut up thats easy for me to do?*


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mikey56
♂ Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe our No Ma'am charter specifically prohibits women. But what do I know? I'm drunk as hell.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Jan 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking, well the green pill from the Matrix or a fucking time machine would be nice.
I think that is the blue pill and in reality our only choice was the red pill. A time machine discussion is too intellectual for my present mental state.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitrobob Ė sorry this shit is hitting so hard right now.
And I am helpless against this.

I have to disagree with that. I know it sure as shit feels that way though. You are still standing. You are trying to sort out the senseless, process the pain and rebuild your reality. There is so much conflict to sort through. I know for me itís been the toughest thing Iíve ever worked through, especially the part about coming to peace with the fact that there are some things I will never understand. I think if you donít just stuff it but work through what you are thinking and feeling you will come out of it OK. Itís a long road.

I think the next BM thread should be Betrayed Men Part 22 (+Rebreather), because she cracks me up like a dude.

Ok so this might be a first were the majority is not on board with WAL. IMO heís half right Redbreather is funny.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jul 2011
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Menz,

For the last 2 nights, I've had the pleasure of feeling something I haven't felt in a long time. There's being newly single and "noticing" women in a different way. We menz were all loyal, and the reason why we're awesome is that the thought, I mean serious thought, of "hooking up" with someone not our wives or SO just doesn't "click." We can notice that another woman may be attractive, but that's where it stops. We honor our promises, and it frankly doesn't occur to us to stray.

Anyway, for the first time in over 12 years (since I met my now ex-wife) I feel kind of, well, maybe smitten. Long story, but I can say she's not in a relationship - I will NOT EVER even so much as chance being the OM. I'm not counting on it becoming anything and I certainly have my guard up, but it's refreshing to have a feeling I haven't had since my early 20s and certainly not since my ex's betrayal- the "idea" of a new relationship seems at least plausible and not terrifying or incredibly foreign. I'm not and have never really been comfortable as the fling guy (though little MoS wasn't always on the same page in my younger days). All I'll say is no matter what happens, it's great to feel again in a romantic regard, and to realize that whatever happens, I'm not cheating or deceiving anyone. I will be me, period.

Like I said, I'm being very cautious and just seeing how things develop. I don't expect anything here. It's just nice to recognize the possibility exists in me.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 10:18 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


ďThe wound is the place where the Light enters you.Ē ― Rumi

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mos that's awesome!

I needed a little positive end to a long day.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell ó 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's always asking what can She can do to make me feel better.

Is this common? I think it's a stupid question for three reasons:

1. There is only one (or two in my case) things you could HAVE done to make me not feel like this in the first place. IMO it's a very triggery question.

2. There's no good answer. She's not looking for "be more open and honest". She's looking for something easy shit like "can I offer a BJ or a bag of chips" so I can have a smile on my face while I'm crying on the inside. Sorry if my sullen look is bumming you out.

3. She's making ME do the work. Thanks, now I have to figure out how you can make me feel better after you fucked other other dudes and made me feel like this. Figure it out yourself.

I hate that damn question but hear it ALL.THE.TIME.

[This message edited by MindMonkey at 9:18 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MindMonkey nailed that answer. 100% what I would have said.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

now I have to figure out how you can make me feel better after you fucked other other dudes and made me feel like this. Figure it out yourself.

Funny how they unilaterally blow things up then when it's time to "fix" things they want to be a team.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3. She's making ME do the work. Thanks, now I have to figure out how you can make me feel better after you fucked other other dudes and made me feel like this. Figure it out yourself.


Ding, Ding, Ding!

Show some initiative, go the extra mile, do more than is asked of you. It's like they are waiting to see how little they can do for you, because its still all about minimizing for themselves.

I want to tell her....
You pulled the pin, jump on the fucking grenade already, stop waiting to see if I can run away fast enough first.


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At least your WWs asked the question(s). I never even got that! That among a lot of other reasons she is now the X.

I want to tell her....
You pulled the pin, jump on the fucking grenade already, stop waiting to see if I can run away fast enough first.

With my current wife, I'm much more open and honest. Sometimes a little too brutally honest. My advice is don't hold back and tell her. She may get really pissed but then again she blew up the marriage.


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's always asking what can She can do to make me feel better.

Funny how perspective changes things. I get what others are saying about she needs to figure that out. I on the other hand would be floored if the STBX had even asked me that question. She didn't make it that far into remorse.

Maybe tell her that if possible she could put herself in your shoes and think of what she would expect from you in the same situation. Then have her multiply those ideas by 100 since she most likely has some WW thinking embedded in there somewhere.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny how they unilaterally blow things up then when it's time to "fix" things they want to be a team.

Ah yes, so very true. In our brief R discussions, there sure was a lot of mention of what I can do to fix the situation she caused. She didn't volunteer much of what she could do, well, at all. I will never forget when i mentioned to her that MC would absolutely 100% be needed if we were to fix this - "What would I talk to a counselor about?" I thought she was trying to make a very bad joke at a very wrong time, but no, she was fucking serious.

Like frmr said, that's "among a lot of other reasons she is now the X."

I want to tell her....
You pulled the pin, jump on the fucking grenade already, stop waiting to see if I can run away fast enough first.

Very well put.


ďThe wound is the place where the Light enters you.Ē ― Rumi

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's always asking what can She can do to make me feel better.

I'm in the group of BS's whose WS's don't say this very often or at all. I'd love it if FWW could understand the problem I'm having and come up with a way to make me feel better all on her own but after 3 1/2 years I realize that it just isn't going to work that way. I told her this week that she could ask me this question when I/we are having problems. Not only does it start the conversation but it also gets me to think about what the actual issue is as well. If I can figure out what she can do to make a problem better and she's asking then I'm really helping myself.

This is a new strategy for us so I don't even know if it'll work but right now I'd be happy if she asked me, it beats the current approach of her not knowing what to do or say so nothing is said or done.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This conversation is triggery for me. I have given her suggestions on where to look for ideas, I have given her specific things to read and in every case somewhere in her response is this is just too hard or I don't think I have it in me to do that. I guess it is real easy to drop the bomb, but is too much work to help cleanup the aftermath.

Yes, asking the question has some positive connotations, but it can also have a razor sharp negative side if not handled correctly.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
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