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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grits, catfish, and gator tail.

What, no cornbread and gravy? And please say you had a beer, not a glass of wine...


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3926 | Registered: Dec 2011
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wine with grits, catfish and gator tail...is there no end to the sacrilege on this thread?


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1384 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is there no end to the sacrilege on this thread?

Don't they have farm animals in Florida? Where's the pork ribs? Where's the rib-eye? Very disappointing indeed Sal.

And speaking of disappointing, whats this stuff about bacon not being good enough currency to use as payoff for bad wayward behavior. Didn't want to say anything but I don't care if it pan fried or microwaved. She can passive-agressive me all day as long as I'm getting bacon at the end of it; I'm good. I mean, com'mon its bacon. It's like meat manna!

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 11:11 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 539 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Proof bacon fixes everything:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSReSGe200A


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ATS,

There is so much in your post I could quote as well, but this really stuck out to me.

She harbors a lot of toxic shame. I really think our D is her thinking she will be happy alone...
My STBXWW has a huge shame issue as well and I think that is one of the primary reasons she cannot show empathy or remorse regarding her affair since doing that would be admitting exactly how devastating it was. She also externalizes her happiness and for the last few years I haven't been a bundle of joy since she was usually invalidating my pain. We only moved once to make her happier. The move was going to fix everything, guess what, it didn't because it didn't change her brokenness. I believe she also thinks our impending divorce will make her happier as well though I am expecting it will have the same effect as the move since it doesn't solve the underlying problems either.

I have mentioned before she has an undiagnosed physical issues. Basically she gets tired and can't do much of anything for extended periods of time (months to years). She was basically bragging a few weeks ago about how great she was feeling the last month since I was not at home anymore. Less than a week later she started having problems again. It must really suck getting hit/run over by the karma bus. Looks like another one of her issues that's not my fault. Though I'm guessing she's trying to figure out a way to blame it on me anyway.

It appears you may have it easier on the divorce front. Since my STBXWW was a SAHM and we still have under age children it looks like I'm going to be paying over half my income to her. I will also likely get stuck paying CS until the kids are 21 even though I have already put aside $200k for their collage education, etc. Having to double pay will really piss me off so I'm hoping reasonableness will prevail. We'll see how the division of assets goes. I'm expecting it will be okay in the beginning, but once she figures out what her life post divorce is going to look like she's going to push for more than a fair share because she doesn't want to have consequences. She wants to live in unicorn and rainbow land.

Between all the emotional and financial bombs I've had to deal with over the last few years I'm getting a bit shell shocked from it all. I'm really looking forward to so normalcy in my future.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 142 | Registered: Mar 2014
StrongBeard
♂ New Member
Member # 44027
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when you guys reference "D-Day 2" are you referring discovery of a subsequent affair, a resumption of the affair with AP 1, or TT?

I think generally it is a resumption. That's my case - DDay #2 was discovery of the resumption (or continuance, more accurately) of the original EA. PA was not resumed to my knowledge.

The reasoning that WW should have done the honorable thing and either discussed the M issues or file D before having an affair almost never happens, at least in my experience. My best guess is that it's human nature to test the waters first, especially when WW loses hope that they can be happy in the M.
***
I think the real issue is the fact that for our WW cheating was a option that was considered. It was there on the table next to counseling and divorce.
^^^ I like these two quotes put together.

Me, too, MC. I have written a lot of journal entries during this ordeal regarding honor (as well as having some discussions with my friends about the subject). Very aprospos that I have also been reading the excellent series on manly honor at Art of Manliness (http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/10/01/manly-honor-part-i-what-is-honor/ - highly recommended reading).

There's no honor in sacrificing your vows when shit gets bad; that's the "or worse" part of them. And there is no honor in knowingly engaging in an A, EA or PA, with another's spouse. OM is a cowardly POS, and WW is, too. The only difference there is the fact that we don't really care about OM, but we potentially want R with WW, so forgiveness is an option.

By the way, while in Florida I had a delicious basket of fried gator tail

Delicious! One thing I miss about not being in the South anymore. And definitely with a beer. Or a mint julep... :)


March 2010: WW ONS

February-ish 2014: Beginning of EA
March-ish 2014: EA morphed into PA
April 16, 2014: DDay
July 7, 2014: 2nd DDay of continued EA (no PA)
Currently: on the roller coaster, headed for R


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Front Range
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Doing a little catch up.
Congrats BAMAC

Just to be clear, when you guys reference "D-Day 2" are you referring discovery of a subsequent affair, a resumption of the affair with AP 1, or TT?

You know, I'd always thought it was a reference to another A. With what others have said about it, I'd say it covers both. A dday #2 is possibly what I fear most whether its in one of those forms, or finding out there had been others during the time of A#1 and A#2.

Catfish as a delicacy? Why not just eat a plate of mud and sludge.

Hey! Don't come between a southern boy and his fried catfish
I think the more important question for you to find an answer to is can you get to the point of filing it away as a life experience; an artifact of your life; that while not forgotten, doesn't keep you from experiencing the joy and fulfillment that can still exist for you. With your kids; your career; your friends; your hobbies. And if your WW does things correctly and well towards R -- with her and your marriage also. Turning all of the pain and devastation into just another artifact should be your goal. It can happen. And when you get there you will find that happiness will start to return. The truth? No, I haven't forgotten and yes some days something will happen or be said or I will read that brings the memories crashing back for a bit. But it goes away and I have a lot of fulfillment with career and kids and friends and I have great times with my W.

1985, when I grow up I want to be just like you I only hope that if WW and I don't end up in D over this that one day I'll be able to look back and find myself in the place you are now. I know I'm still not really that far out and sometimes it feels like this may damn well consume me, but then I look back on where I was after dday and realize how far I've come since then.
My STBXWW has a huge shame issue as well and I think that is one of the primary reasons she cannot show empathy or remorse regarding her affair since doing that would be admitting exactly how devastating it was.

I think that's a large part of my WW's problem. When we do talk about it she says how ashamed she feels about it. Problem for me is, that shame gets in the way of us being able to truly R and we need to find a way around that.

[This message edited by WearingTheHorns at 2:38 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony
2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 263 | Registered: Dec 2012
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Proof bacon fixes everything:


(402)-88-BACON


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 539 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, Guys. Great insights throughout the last couple of pages. I'm not even going to try to add to the conversation but I will offer you all a beer on StrongBeard. Welcome brother, noobs got first round.

Nice first AND second posts. However, Mint Julep?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2826 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DR, they do have farm animals in Florida. In fact, I worked part-time on a black angus cattle ranch back in the student days. But we have plenty of beef and pork here in Texas, so when I go back to my old Florida stomping grounds, I like to eat things that are hard to come by in West Texas. Not a lot of gators out here in the desert!


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1384 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
StrongBeard
♂ New Member
Member # 44027
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn, Guys. Great insights throughout the last couple of pages. I'm not even going to try to add to the conversation but I will offer you all a beer on StrongBeard. Welcome brother, noobs got first round.
Nice first AND second posts. However, Mint Julep?

I just so happen to have several homebrews on tap at any given time, so I'll gladly take the first round. :) And the Julep is a Southern classic! Pretty damned refreshing for what is essentially a glass of iced bourbon.

DR: I bet you could find some farm-raised gator tail. How's that for a farm animal? :)


March 2010: WW ONS

February-ish 2014: Beginning of EA
March-ish 2014: EA morphed into PA
April 16, 2014: DDay
July 7, 2014: 2nd DDay of continued EA (no PA)
Currently: on the roller coaster, headed for R


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Front Range
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just so happen to have several homebrews on tap at any given time

Hello and welcome, StrongBeard! Got my attention pretty quick.

What styles do you like to brew?

Home brewing is a passion of mine that I haven't practiced in awhile, and haven't talked about too much here. I was just out mowing my yard, and noticed my Cascade bines are going nuts this year. I think I will have to make some sort of fresh hop ale.

Really glad you found us, despite the circumstances that got you here.


Posts: 7051 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bet you could find some farm-raised gator tail. How's that for a farm animal?

Sold, pass the gator tail!


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 539 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, she has never accepted that her happiness is within her, and that is what must be changed. Not her address, not her job, not her marital status.
In my work, I usually deal with lots of people with addiction issues and/or are just generally flaky or selfish...One of my buddies who's a recovering alcoholic always used to say, "You can change your geography, but your geography doesn't change you." I might have that a little wrong, but I think the idea comes through.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2073 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tipping a St. Lupulin Extra Pale Ale to you fellas tonight. Hope you all have a great weekend!

Looks like Koda approves of this one!

Cheers.


Posts: 7051 | Registered: Dec 2010
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's some bourbon to go with the gator tail and catfish.

My tasting notes:

Jefferson's
Single Barrel B-14

41.15% abv.

Color: Just look at it. It's beautiful.

Nose: Very crisp on the nose. Creamy vanilla and warm molasses. Notes of oak, toffee, hint of green apple.

Palate: Soft, warming and supple.

Finish: Medium length. Notes of sweet vanilla, warm spices, toffee, honey and changes over to pear on the back end.

Overall: Absolutely lovely. A warm summer night in a glass. Has "sessionability" all over it.

Here's to the weekend gents. Slainte!

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Losfer, I'll take one of those St. Lupulin EPA's as a chaser please. Thank you


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2068 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely, yop!!

I'll trade you for a dram of that Jefferson's, maybe for tomorrow night.

Cheers!


Posts: 7051 | Registered: Dec 2010
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My friends from out of country came to visit. We are in Vegas.

That is all.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going to my first-ever bachelor party today for one of my buddies. Never been to one before, pretty excited.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2073 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
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