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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always thought of sex as a sort of glue that holds the relationship together.

I never really thought of it that way. Maybe I'm odd...I always thought of sex as the extension of an intimate relationship - but not the most important part. I guess from my single days, I could sex without being in a relationship. I always thought what held a relationship together was trust, respect, and mutual goals. To do things together that you couldn't achieve alone. To grow old and sit on a porch one day with a great history, watch the grand kids play, enjoying a cocktail or something. My wife and I were having sex during her affair - but what was missing was respect - she didn't respect me or our marriage at the time. So while we were having sex, we really didn't have a relationship. I thought we did, but I was wrong. I was just sharing a piece of ass with another man and footing the entire bill.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2011
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTS - What Tred Said too Sex shouldn't be the yard stick we measure our relationships health by. Completely agree.

What I was trying to express (poorly) was that in a committed relationship it is an important piece of the puzzle that bonds you to a person. Something you do with no one else, at least in an honest respectful relationship anyway. It's exclusive to your relationship with that other person. If you aren't having sex with your partner then it reaks havoc on a lot of other areas when not addressed. And if the issue is discussed and one person doesn't see it as an issue but it's an issue to you then I would rethink that relationship.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Essentially, there was an article that says a sexless marriage is as bad for the unwilling participant (UP) as an affair.

Horse shit.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So while we were having sex, we really didn't have a relationship. I thought we did, but I was wrong. I was just sharing a piece of ass with another man and footing the entire bill.

Yep. WTS.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTS - What Tred Said too

Haven't been on the menz threads long enough to know for sure, but if this isn't an official SI abbreviation, it should be.

Ah, my ex was a spectacular bundle of crazy when it came to sex, at least by the time it all came unraveled. After the loss of our son and then her ability to have any more natural children, our sex life suffered quite a bit as could be imagined. I think it became, for both of us, a cruel reminder of what we lost and what would never be. We were rabbits for the first 6 or 7 years together - our sex life was VERY healthy. Then, things changed.

Here's the weird thing though. In the first couple years after our back-to-back tragedies, we were as close as we'd ever been despite the almost lack of sex. She or I rarely complained to the other about the lack either. When it came up, it was more of a "let's work on that" sort of thing, and slowly but surely we did. It was around the time (as I know now) that she began straying that sex really became a big issue, or the "lack thereof." I put that in quotes for a reason. For example, there was her alcohol-induced (and now I know likely guilt-induced) complete sobbing meltdown one night about "how she needs more intimacy, more this, more that, more sex..." get this.. literally right after we were done with our second full-on-xxx-rated-hardcore-everything-goes fuckfest of the night. I remember just being shocked wondering where this was coming from...like, "you were here for what we just did, right? Hell, we're both still naked and covered in fluids! You know this hasn't exactly been the first night in months either, but like the 4th time this week?"

Sorry for the TMI, but seriously, that shit happened, and I was dumbfounded. Right then and there, I asked the question that had been in the back of my mind, yet I had ignored - "is there someone else?" That just made her more upset, and she gave me a resounding "no" full of indignation that I would dare ask a question like that or ever think such a thing. Knowing what I know now, that "no" was a lie and that indignation was far-from-righteous. I was just one of her fuck-buddies even at that time, except in my case, I was, you know, married and exclusive to her and shit.

Where was I going with this ramble? Oh yeah - WWs can't seem to keep up with who they're fucking and when, and sex as a key component of a successful marriage kind of doesn't agree with me totally. I too think sex is an extension of loving, committed, and intimate relationship. Sex can also occur between 2 complete strangers in the back alley of a bar after last call. When my ex and I were having the least sex, we were maybe at our closest. Not because we weren't having sex, but because we were so deeply connected on many other aspects that we could talk about sex, needs and the like and work it out like 2 committed and loving adults. Sex only became an issue between "us" after she started fucking other people and needed some way to justify her crazy, hurtful choices.

ALL that said, yes, I do agree with this 100% - even a completely sexless marriage doesn't excuse an A. Counseling, maybe S/D, sure. Instead, I too was once "just sharing a piece of ass with another man and footing the entire bill." So, I am right with StillGoing on this one:


Essentially, there was an article that says a sexless marriage is as bad for the unwilling participant (UP) as an affair.
Horse shit.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 9:16 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1279 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never really thought of it that way. Maybe I'm odd...I always thought of sex as the extension of an intimate relationship - but not the most important part. I guess from my single days, I could sex without being in a relationship. I always thought what held a relationship together was trust, respect, and mutual goals. To do things together that you couldn't achieve alone. To grow old and sit on a porch one day with a great history, watch the grand kids play, enjoying a cocktail or something. My wife and I were having sex during her affair - but what was missing was respect - she didn't respect me or our marriage at the time. So while we were having sex, we really didn't have a relationship. I thought we did, but I was wrong. I was just sharing a piece of ass with another man and footing the entire bill.
What Dert said.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I were having sex during her affair - but what was missing was respect - she didn't respect me or our marriage at the time. So while we were having sex, we really didn't have a relationship. I thought we did, but I was wrong. I was just sharing a piece of ass with another man and footing the entire bill.

How do women usually *reward* us when they are happy with us? Also. When we first met our WWs and also with previous girl friends. didnt we have to work our way in before they would have sex with us?

So I think its kinda natural for us to think of sex as a barometer of our relationship. and use it as a indication of how our WW is feeling about us. When my WW is ticked off at me about something the first thing that shuts down is the sex. Her sleeping in our bed and me sleeping on the couch is a pretty good sign that things are off the rails.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my WW is ticked off at me about something the first thing that shuts down is the sex. Her sleeping in our bed and me sleeping on the couch is a pretty good sign that things are off the rails.
That sucks, Razor. That's manipulation, plain and simple.

Also: Why the hell would you ever sleep on the couch?


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sex as a barometer of our relationship

Going to have to disagree from my personal experience. My wife had no problem having sex with her Ashley Madison hookups and me at the same time. She probably saved herself for them more than I know, but hey, I wasn't aware of that at the time. She still sent me sexy pics occasionally - I just didn't realize she waited to see my reaction to determine if they were sexy enough to share with the men she was trying to impress. So from my viewpoint, sex is a terrible way to gauge the state of the relationship. Which sucks.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2011
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So while we were having sex, we really didn't have a relationship. I thought we did, but I was wrong. I was just sharing a piece of ass with another man and footing the entire bill.

Ditto on WTS

[This message edited by WearingTheHorns at 10:23 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 287 | Registered: Dec 2012
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do women usually *reward* us when they are happy with us? Also. When we first met our WWs and also with previous girl friends. didnt we have to work our way in before they would have sex with us?

That brings up something I've wondered about. No doubt the OM had to put in the effort to get into WW's pants initially, but after that was it a given that he was going to, or was it a "reward"? You know, "Thanks for the ego kibbles. Which hole do you want?" type of thing.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 287 | Registered: Dec 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH,

Considering my wife met her primary AP on a fuck site, I think it was a given. She was going to fuck someone, she was just holding auditions to pick the lucky men.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2011
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going to have to disagree from my personal experience. My wife had no problem having sex with her Ashley Madison hookups and me at the same time. She probably saved herself for them more than I know, but hey, I wasn't aware of that at the time. She still sent me sexy pics occasionally - I just didn't realize she waited to see my reaction to determine if they were sexy enough to share with the men she was trying to impress. So from my viewpoint, sex is a terrible way to gauge the state of the relationship. Which sucks.

Tred, that's harsh man. I know men and women can be really sick and devious at times but damn that's harsh. I'm sure it happens far more often than I realize but that doesn't make it any easier to accept.

I never found out how my X found her hook up. She never told me any of the details which I'm kind of glad as I don't have any mind movies or mind fucks as a result. I just know it happened and have come to accept it. The best bennie is that she is out of my life and I don't have to deal with her at all.

PS, really like your tagline!

[This message edited by FrmrBH80124 at 11:33 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but after that was it a given that he was going to, or was it a "reward"? You know, "Thanks for the ego kibbles. Which hole do you want?" type of thing.

My ww described it as an obligation for making her feel good about herself. She often tells me its not as bad as I think it is "because it was never really about the sex"....right...I'll sleep better at night knowing that.

In the end its all about injecting their self-esteem with outside validation. Whether that be physically, or emotionally, or a combination of both, it's all ego kibbles.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 1:49 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 569 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because, and it's Wednesday.


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 569 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup to the sex during FWW's A.

One particularly disturbing aspect of FWW's affair was how much our sex life was improving during that same timeframe. Shit, I was as pleased as punch at the time, thought I had hit the sex lottery or something.

Raises the troubling question of wether her sudden sexual awakening was part of the cause of the A or if it was caused by the A.

I find either option equally disturbing.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 455 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am guessing the increase in sex is because of the affair. To me it feels like a tactic to deceive us into not looking behind the curtain to see what is really going on. It's a physical lie instead of a verbal lie.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That brings up something I've wondered about. No doubt the OM had to put in the effort to get into WW's pants initially, but after that was it a given that he was going to, or was it a "reward"? You know, "Thanks for the ego kibbles. Which hole do you want?" type of thing.

OM worked over time to get with my WW. The LTA started as a EA that went on for allot of years. eventually OM wanted to take the relationship to *another level*. WW said she was shocked by this. but I dont know why she was shocked. I mean. where else could their *love* affair be going? She had to know was was coming.

Anyway she said she cried when she drove home after their first encounter. She insisted that the LTA was not about the sex. and the sex with OM was not all that great. BUT she then mentioned that she kept going back for more though. and she really didnt understand why.

Like allot of affairs (I think) the LTA eventually became more trouble than it was worth. she tried to end it but kept getting sucked back in. eventually she saw that I was closing in on proving what was going on. and so she confessed. she did that in part to assure the LTA was over and wouldnt start up again.

She went through allot of crap where she thought OM was better for her than me. that she was happier with him. her reaction to my pain was resentment toward me. maybe that resentment was guilt acting out. Ill never know I guess.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raises the troubling question of wether her sudden sexual awakening was part of the cause of the A or if it was caused by the A.

Ouch...I remember a particularly zesty session that we had - details don't matter because I'm not going there - but the gist is that at the end, I smiled at her and said "that's why you'll never cheat". I thought it was that awesome, and she made me believe I was. She was months into her affair. Talk about emasculating. I'll never forget that.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2011
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back from Vegas. Have to work tomorrow.

We had a blast. My best friends from high school are still awesome dudes, and seeing their relationship with their wonderful wives throughout the trip restored my faith in long-term relationships.

And of course the wives are jumping at the chance of introducing me to their single girl friends - when I'm ready of course..


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
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