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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amazing. She's beautiful. Congrats sosorry and 545!


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she's beautiful 5454! you're a lucky man.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.

Honestly, sometimes a little bittersweet. Getting past it slowly though.

Time to go buy myself a drink and have a cigar. Join me.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bittersweet, but still a lot of sweet there, I hope. Congrats on the beautiful new DGD.

I'll join you for one, 54.

We were out of town enjoying ourselves in the Rocky Mountains for the last few days, but Koda and I did not forget you guys or our weekly Friday ritual. Here is the proof:

Cheers, fellers!!

[This message edited by LosferWords at 9:26 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Dec 2010
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Toasting you and your DGD tonight as well 5454. Enjoy the sweet - there's plenty there.

ETA: Koda + Man Beer + Rocky Mountains + LosferWords = \m/

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 11:51 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely NOT trying to be a *bummer* about the birth, but in the back of the mind runs the *how much better would this be if she didn't....* thought. Most of the time I'm *in the moment* and all is good. In fact, those *moments* are becoming the norm, and the doubts in between are becoming fewer, but damn....

Thanks brothers.

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:55 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, MOS!

in the back of the mind runs the *how much better would this be if she didn't....* thought. Most of the time I'm *in the moment* and all is good. In fact, those *moments* are becoming the norm, and the doubts in between are becoming fewer, but damn....

I hear you, 54. I think every guy on this thread has those same exact types of moments, myself included.

My bittersweet moment was my son hauling in his first five rainbow trout yesterday (I only got one, dammit). So proud of him, but damn... if only.

On the other hand, damn I am proud of him. I try to use the pain and bittersweetness to tighten the vice grip on the present. Hard to do on some days and in some moments, though. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard.

Hang in there, friend. You're not alone.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 12:02 AM, June 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Dec 2010
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Losfer, glad you read my poorly worded intent.

Hang in there, friend. You're not alone

Thanks, I needed that. Weird thing though? I didn't know it til you said it.

Thank you.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are absolutely not alone. I'll put myself out there here, and I really hope to not be a buzzkill or in any way seem like I'm trying to compare scars, wounds, what-have-you. I visited my son's grave today for the first time in frankly too long. It doesn't take a stone in the ground for me to remember. That said, regardless of the fact that I did not and will never know him in this life, he's my inspiration in so many ways. I feel him, I don't know how else to say it. He's real. He's my angel.

In that moment, I reached for me ex's hand just out of habit. That was another milestone for me. Not only was her hand not there, but it was obvious no one, including her, had visited his grave in far too long. I will not fail his memory again.

These men here, this site in general - you make me feel safe to share this. This is NOT me "judging" anyone or anything of the sort. This is me pouring myself out to my friends here regarding what you all show that you very much know already - Children are a gift. Regardless of all the other bullshit we have all been through, I know this group of men understands. There's no absentee fathers or grandfathers here. That's a beautiful thing. From jjct's sons showing their tremendous character to sunsetlosts, LosferWords, HFOH, 5454's new DGD, etc., you all make me proud to be a betrayed man if there is anything to ever be proud of for that. I never wanted to be part of this club, but I wouldn't give it up for anything now that I'm here.

Anyway, I have a tendency to ramble and I hope I didn't dilute my point - I'm proud to be a part of this forum and thread. Fistbumps to all the Dads and Granddads out there. I don't know what it's like to go through this with a child in-the-middle, but I know enough to know that it's the mark of great men to endure that betrayal and not lose the bigger picture.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if its true that the BH here are better fathers than average, but if it is, two possibilities as to why.

The first is selection bias. Men who seek to bond with men in times of duress have the right stuff to bond to children too.

The second possibility is more concerning. Perhaps we are the nice guys by being good fathers. Not the bad boys our WW lust after in fantasy world. One could argue any man who would aim at a married women is a bad boy, but I think it's more than that. It's a general "caution to the wind" attitude.

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 6:29 AM, June 29th (Sunday)]


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

54545454!!!!! That's FANTASTIC granpa!!!!
Holding my boys and my granbabies, lemme tell ya, it's an earthly slice of heaven's unconditional love it is! It's a worthy moment to lose yourself in 54))) That's just awesome! (@ mike - same haircut! LMAO!!!!!)

Right now, there's probably some bleary-eyed folk rousting out in Chi-town - Good MORNING windy city of my birth!
(right in the heart-of-it, Cook County CENTRAL!)

Losfer - Koda and the Manbeer PLUS the Rockies? Makes me all kind of happy right there!

MOS))) brother, you go ahead and ramble any. time. In fact, why don't you ramble on over here in October & we ride up together northaways?

bob - we bat around the bad-boy thing pretty regularly...it's never really gotten any 'traction' in my mind because, well, basically, I've come to understand *what they did* (to bring us together here) had nothing to do with us.
I think your idea on 'selection bias' is probably true - for here, anyway - these guys here that post (fat-fingered or not ) - I see as top-of-the-food-chain. Lions, actually.
(which interestingly, is further proof that it has nothing to do with us)


Posts: 6653 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From this father to the others, the one constant that your children have is you. The one parent that they have that is stable is you. Your children's upbringing and their environment will shape who they are. The stable parent, whether you R or D, is why the betrayed father plays such a significant role in your child's lives. Bittersweet truth.

As MoS states

Children are a gift. Regardless of all the other bullshit we have all been through, I know this group of men understands. There's no absentee fathers or grandfathers here. That's a beautiful thing. From jjct's sons showing their tremendous character to sunsetlosts, LosferWords, HFOH, 5454's new DGD, etc., you all make me proud to be a betrayed man if there is anything to ever be proud of for that. I never wanted to be part of this club, but I wouldn't give it up for anything now that I'm here.

This is a very true statement. Our children are our gift. We treat them as such. I just a had a great week bonding with my kids. I wish I had another week of it.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2204 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOS, that's one heck of a ramble. Not afraid to say it made me tear up. Thanks for the reminder that no matter what, doing what's good for our children needs to be a priority. Strength to you and the rest of the guys. Like 5454 said it's nice to know you are not alone!

Good point Bob. I'm fairly certain I have both traits.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOS, dude. I still remember the first post you made about your son in the General forum. Wasn't there a Demon Hunter song involved? You talking about visiting him again got the waterworks going a bit. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Your point was not diluted it all.

That kid is with you every day. Every time he enters your thoughts, he is with you. I bet he is proud to have you as a father, too. I know he is.


Posts: 7555 | Registered: Dec 2010
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOS...it was a pleasure to share a beverage with you. Even though my first impression was "the driver is here early" .

That's a great pic of Koda Losfer! That is one great looking dawg. I'm going to go berate mine for not being that awesome.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4005 | Registered: Dec 2011
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Accidentally submitted before I finished this post....oops.

@tred - ah yes, I remember a couple of folks thought I was the driver. The there was WB2 who, with very real concern in her eyes, asked me if I was old enough to drink I know 35 is still young at all, but for someone who at the time wasn't even 2 months out from d-day, was barely sleeping, and was feeling much older than my years, that was good to hear.

@jjct - If I can take enough time off around the Dallas g2g, I think I'll take you up on that.

@LosferWords - Yes, that was a Demon Hunter song in that post ("Dead Flowers"). I heard "Last One Alive" on Octane one day and though I knew nothing about the band, I dug the song and looked them up later. I found "Dead Flowers" soon after and I think I played in on repeat about 10 times in a row. It really got me.

I've never been big on physical memorials. Visiting a grave is therapeutic to some, and not as much to others, and I am definitely part of the latter group. That said, something has been telling me to go out there, and it definitely won't be the last time. Took me a while to get my composure together to drive home. It is absolutely heartbreaking that there is an entire large plot of the cemetery dedicated to children. At least he isn't alone.

The same inner voice or whatever that was telling me to visit his grave is also telling me to be careful. I hope its paranoia simply coming from the realization that overall, I am doing really, really well, and it would just seem my good fortune would somehow be spoiled by my ex making some reappearance in my life in some way. My ears are definitely burning, and I've had that feeling of being watched. There's something in my gut telling me to prepare for hurricane ex-wife, and the last time I ignored my gut in regards to her, I was reminded that my gut is rarely wrong. There have been many times where I've posted something on this site thinking "no one else will get what I'm saying" and every time I've been reminded that our stories are eerily similar in so many ways, so guess I'm asking you men - anyone know this gut feeling I'm talking about?

There I go rambling again. Anyway, thank fellas, and I hope you all have a great Sunday evening.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 2:50 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys-

If you ever have the chance to go to an SI G2G-

...just do it. You will not regret it, trust me. The people on this site are the fuckin' coolest.

I spent the last three days with some of the nicest, warmest people I have ever met.

Peace.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was an honor to meet you and your wife, Ascendant.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52682 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On fatherhood and BH's:

I spent the last four days with the man who unfortunately told me about this site and his three kids, 12, 10 and 9. He doesn't visit very frequently, but he'd fit in really well in menz.

His shit sandwich is different than mine ( I refuse to rank them though it's tempting......All I know is I got off petty easy ).


The grace, dignity and patience he has shown in his journey is inspirational. His kids are funny, smart, well adjusted and care for each other and their parents. His only goal is to protect them as the family breaks apart. He's one of the strongest people I've ever known and if someday I'm lucky enough to become a parent I hope I can do it half as well as he has.

12's team finished second in the tournament. 12 was 1-3 with two stolen bases, a run scored and three hitless innings on the mound. He was pretty upset when they lost. His dad, brother and sister had a family hug for about three minutes after the game. I snuck a picture but I can't share it.

I stood next to my friend's dad. I said "You did a pretty good job." He said "Yeah, 12 played well." I said "No, that's not what I mean," motioning to the family.

I think I'll go call my dad.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
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