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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I always feel bad when I go through the usual BS stuff. I'm always thinking, she can't know how this feels, but logically, I can't know how hypomania feels either. She is too smart to stand on it as an excuse. She says, "I know I have to take responsibility for my actions", but she does go there when I want explanations. And maybe that's all she can do.

Bob,

My wife is bipolar also, so I feel what you're saying here. The fact that she's willing to take responsibility for her actions (even the one's she doesn't really remember) and not blame them on her illness is a really positive sign -- or at least it was for my wife. Taking responsibility for her illness and doing whatever it took to understand/control it were her first steps into the meat grinder.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6744 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great conversations gentlemen. I may not add a lot but appreciate the honesty displayed here.

I have to admit, all i saw was nude pics, sent and received. I'm glad I never saw the emails or texts, thinking it would have destroyed me.


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CVS, have you heard about the guy that felt sorry for himself because he had no feet, and then he met the guy with no legs?

Thats what it's like on SI, or in group meetings I go to.

I used to hear men whine about EA their wife had and think, shit, grow a pair, my wife had dicks...and I mean plural here...in her mouth.

I'd see one dick story and say, well I have three dick stories.

But I have realized that once you peg the pain scale, it's pegged. None of us really has it better or worse.

Some WW get pregnant, some leave, some bring home STDs. But it's all bad for us, we menz.
It doesn't matter whether we are stabbed, burned or shot, we are still dead.

But misery loves company, and this has been the best company here, in this thread; it has done me more good than MC, IC and Vodka.

Thanks

[This message edited by Nitrobob at 1:55 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I have realized that once you peg the pain scale, it's pegged.

That about sums it up, right there.

Chiarscuro. Is that a wine?


Posts: 6959 | Registered: Dec 2010
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chiarscuro. Is that a wine?

chi·a·ro·scu·ro
noun:
the treatment of light and shade in drawing and painting.

an effect of contrasted light and shadow created by light falling unevenly or from a particular direction on something.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2014
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A while after Dday we were having sex constantly but now it seems as if we are back to where I was before the A, she claims she can't be in the mood all the time and it is unfair for me to pressure her.

Broken record, I get the exact same thing.

******
Had three paragraphs here ranting about this, but I'll spare everyone and just end with the point
******

Your far from alone Lawdog.


Also....

Why do I think it would be completely appropriate if WAL used this gif at the end of every one of his posts?


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 534 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If anyone of you guys can tell me how to just move on and not be thinking i'm second choice I would appreciate it.

Make yourself your first choice. An A automatically rips the oneness away, like a bandaid...takes some scabby skin with it.
When M'd, a large part of my individual identity was subsumed in "us" - "her" - "the family" - "the M"...

That would be one of the biggest changes in me - now I see the necessity & healthiness of listening deep within, seeking my own core, and validating myself from within. Finding my sense of self-worth from inside me (and how I morph those thoughts into outside actions)...
It was a very painful surprise indeed, when I discovered I was depending on *someone who could do that* (someone not me, someone external, outside of me) for validation.

WAL - I've always thought of repentance as more of an action, being the external fruit of true remorse.
The cheap grace part I sense as the fruit of regret.
I doubt you could violate a guideline
1. - because write. You do. Wonderfully. You can figure it out.
and
2. - it's really about not proselytizing &/or bickering anyway.
(I've seen that...once?...in all my time here)

I for one would be honored to hear your deep thoughts in those directions brother.


Posts: 6567 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still get bothered now and again about whether I am WWs fall back choice. That maybe she would rather be with OM than me.

But then I remind myself that her opinion of me doesnt really matter. That most of the time I simply do not give a damn if I am her second choice.

Because now. in this post affair world. SHE falls below my second choice. Hell shes not even on the map. I stay with her because its convenient both with family issues and financially.

The thread she hangs from is tenuous though. All it takes is a breach of boundaries and I will leave and never look back.

Ask yourself. Considering all the shit your WW did. is she really YOUR first choice?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3455 | Registered: Sep 2007
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks WAL, doubleboggy. Doubleboggy, I get your point. You might be right, I can't relate.

Damn, I try to imagine walking around every day, having my wife look at me and knowing that I fucked another woman multiple times a week for months. That I dated another woman in public, and exchanged inappropriate pics and texts with her. And all the lies I had to tell my wife to be with this woman...a woman I cared so little about, I dumped like she was nothing almost immediately after D Day. Oh yeah, the woman is a real sleaze. So there's the "slumming" factor on top of everything else. That describes my wife's affair.

Unless you are a real sociopath, not sure how that can be anything other than a deeply shameful experience that lingers for years. I doubt many of us married sociopaths. More likely decent, even good-hearted women who are nevertheless a bit lacking in the morality and judgment departments. Easy, to use a term that is nicer than the "s" word. And all "easy" needs is an opportunity.

If anyone of you guys can tell me how to just move on and not be thinking i'm second choice I would appreciate it.

jjct quoted this. Couldn't find the original post so don't know who is being quoted or his back story. But if you are still together trying to R and the A has ended, there's all the proof you need that you are the first choice.

But here's a different take - screw her. Who died and made her choices anything special? She had an affair, which seriously suggests that her choices are often less than sound. And by that I mean seriously fucked-up.

You my betrayed brother might be the only sound choice she has made in her lifetime.

The focus should be on your choice - whether to give her lying, cheating ass a second chance.

Excuse the rant. But this has been a touchy subject with me since starting SI. I hate it when the bad acts of screwed-up people make decent, loyal people feel less about themselves. As if the WW is somehow in a position or state of mind to make sound choices when it comes to romantic partners. Often the "choice" is a married person who is every bit as messed-up as she. We're talking about people who will gladly risk their children's intact homes and a marriage they actually want to keep to get an orgasm and an ego boost on the side.

I better stop now before I convince myself that being their top choice is a sign that something must be seriously wrong...with us.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 6:20 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
doubleboggy
♂ Member
Member # 40622
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But here's a different take - screw her. Who died and made her choices anything special? She had an affair, which seriously suggests that her choices are often less than sound. And by that I mean seriously fucked-up.

And THIS. That about sums it up.


D Day: 3/31/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Sep 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yep. my friends. Now it's you time.
reach onin there

Posts: 6567 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And in that spirit I'm off for some live music, dinner and a couple cold ones.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 139 | Registered: Mar 2014
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enjoy, HFOH! A belated thank you for the chiarscuro definition, too! I feel more cultured already.

Posts: 6959 | Registered: Dec 2010
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T/J

Need a 2x12 upside my head. stbx throwing a pity party with some added mind fuckery. I mentioned that I wasnt the one who called for D but have grown quite fond of the idea (filled out paperwork next day). She says she was never good enough, blah blah blah (never went into counseling which was condition of R and now is in another A. Save the tears). Says I'll finally be happy and able to relax without her around, and who knows, MAYBE WE'LL GET MARRIED AGAIN.

No doubt about it, I'm may not be a winning prize of an H, and yeah, my self esteem is currently and has been non existent since 2010. However, I would like to cling to what little fucking shred of dignity I have left at this point and pretend I never heard that.

I know I need to refocus more on me. But damn, I may cave at this point and buy another house to move her into just to get out from under this in house separation shit. Or start drinking like it 1999 or something.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 961 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recognizing that I have my own issues to work through, mainly stemming from lack of self worth, esteem, etc., leading to overachieving Cpt. SaveaHo behaviors / actions which NEVER work out in my favor, I'm finding it a constant battle for myself in back and forth mode between handling this situation in an overly nice non dramatic fashion and going off the deep end anger driven ape shit crazy.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 961 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did all I could and she still chose to leave me...
Now there ain't nothing for me to do.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did all I could and she still chose to leave me...
Now there ain't nothing for me to do.

On the contrary LS. Now there is so much for you to do.

Now is the time for you to find yourself again. Find your joy again, discover who you are, what you want for you yourself. Let go of where you have been and concentrate on where you are going and where you want to be.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now but I think that you will look back on this moment as the moment when everything started to turn around. You have been hanging in limbo for far to long, and I, for one, will be relieved to see you finally climbing down off of the torturers rack and staring to live again.

You deserve happiness and joy and love and you even deserve to share that with someone who is capable of sharing that with you. Fuck, we all do. Go out and find that for yourself.

Again, I realize it doesn't feel that way now, but know that it is coming your way. I honestly promise you.

To paraphrase immortal words of Winston Churchill:
"This is not the end, this is not even the beginning of the end. This is the end of the beginning."

Strength and healing to you and to all of us brother,
HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 402 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H&L))) I got the maybe get married again and I encouraged that idea! - to lessen her insanity during the D as much as possible.
Don't pet the drama llama buddy.
Faux sadness painted on an hysterical face is nothing but an act to hoover you back in.
Stay the course.

LS))) - same thing. There's everything - the whole wide world for you to *do* now.


Posts: 6567 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, you hit the nail on the head.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 111 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
LostSamurai
♂ Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you brothers. Well tomorrow I am going to work on Torii Gate. Hopefully put it up.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
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