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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sounds pretty awesome, LS. Kind of like your own outdoor dojo.

Posts: 7116 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH, your wife seems immature and very disrespectful of your feelings. It seems long past time for her to choose who she wants to be - a married woman or a single party girl.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Neithan
♂ Member
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would just like to say as a BH and a recovering alcoholic (sober over 2 decades) that it's nice to see a bunch of posts pass by without 50% of them having pictures of booze in 'em. Seeing alcohol here and there is no big deal to me, but being surrounded by it is less than comfortable, even online.

Getting thru the early days of the betrayal without relapsing was my biggest test of sobriety. Fortunately I passed that test. So far.


Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 328 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neithan,

Congratulations on your sobriety. It is a remarkable achievement. More than 20 years sober is truly an achievement to be celebrated.
The members here all support you. Sometimes we drinks a bit. That's not your burden. It's ours.

Please contact your sponsor if the pictures of alcohol make you want to use.

We talk about deep things here. We blow off steam too. Sometimes with a pull or two.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 754 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That takes some serious fortitude, Neithan. Good on you! Sending much respect in your direction.

I would like to wish you and the rest of the gents here a happy Friday, and a good weekend!

We're having a nice quiet Friday here at the home front. Spent some good quality time with my son after work. Looking forward to relaxing and unwinding for the rest of the weekend.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Dec 2010
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Settling in for a quiet weekend without the kids. Will be sleeping a lot, so I recover nicely from the Vegas trip (that town just doesn't sleep!) and I'm ready for my kidlets Sunday night.

Video games and potato chips for me..


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 740 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Start off, sitting her down, listen to how her day went, without interruption and then after she finishes and explain the bar situations. Explain how it made you feel, and stick to it being about you so she understands. See how she responds.

That makes sense if you think she deserves leeway when she has a crappy day.

An alternative is to sit her down and lay out your requirements. I think it's especially when she has a crappy day that she should want to be with you more than with her coworker. JMO, of course.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10105 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. No post for 34 and a half hours. Clearly everyone is all better. Good to know.... Or I guess maybe everyone is just busy. Personally I am hoping for the first option. But I'm not putting any money on it.

Personally I am having a shit couple of days here. Triggery and roller coaster riding for the first time in quite a while. I am guessing there isn't any coincidence considering the date.

And that really, really frustrates and pisses me off. I hate how fucking arbitrary this shit is sometimes. Nothing in my life has materially changed in the last several months. Nothing in my life today bares any kind of resemblance to what my life was like 4 years ago. And yet the insignificant changes of numbers on a fucking calendar end up sending me off on an emotional roller coaster ride.

I hate that. Makes me feel like my emotional responses are some how disconnected from my external life. As if it's just some kind of fucking programming I've now had hard wired into my goddamn database. Like "Now is the time of year when the holdingtogetherbot 3000 gets upset."

It's so stupidly arbitrary. And it makes it all feel somehow foolish and trivial. All whilst simultaneously hurting me and making me angry and short tempered, making me snappy at WOES for the stupidest little shit. Which makes me feel like an ass, which makes me hurt and defensive and angry all over again. It's all just so pointless and maddening. And I feel helpless to do much more than just wait it out.

Antiversary t-minus 4 days and counting. Four years and it still seems to have this power over me. Sorry if that makes any of you newbies feel hopeless. Usually I am much better than this. Just neck deep in the shit soup right now.

Thoughts? Encouragement? Maybe a strong kick in the ass? Or just discuss amongst yourselves.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 405 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HT, sorry that you've had a rough couple of days. Since this has become a cyclical calendar thing. Have you been able to do anything different this time around to handle this. For the dates will continue to come like waves of the ocean on a beach. You can choose to stand and be battered by them or learn to rise up and surf on them.

I hope that you have been able to talk to WOEs. Maybe between the two of you, you can find a way to work through or a way to distract your mind from the date. For in reality each day is a new day. Independent from all others, but as humans we make the connections. Take some deep breaths. Write out stuff here or in a journal and definitely communicate with WOEs.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52213 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes HT, you are scaring the shit out of newbie.

All the sex was last summer, including my birthday when I got sloppy seconds, something I don't think I'll ever get over and the 1 year anniversary of that special treat is coming up.

We are wired to celebrate anniversaries, or observe them in the case of say Memorial Day. So it's natural to have our own Memorial Day, to grieve what died, innocence, trust, confidence that our spouse would always have our back. Now we are married, but feel more like joined individuals, rather than a single organism presenting a united front.

So Im triggering, like you. It sucks for a day, and then you go on. Like getting a colonoscopy every year.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you, HT. Our d-days are pretty close together, with mine being in November of 2010. It is frustrating having an arbitrary date have that type of affect on you. I've gotten a pretty solid handle on the d-day antiversary dates, but Father's Day hit me like a ton of bricks this year.

Coming out here and talking about it helped more than anything. Hopefully maybe you feel a bit better getting some of that shit out of your system just talking about it here with us menz?

I think Moo brings up some great points about doing things different. Kind of like taking the power back.

Sending you strength. You aren't alone in these feelings.

Take care, and keep talking.


Posts: 7116 | Registered: Dec 2010
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get where you're coming from, HT. My second antiversary is coming up a week from Tuesday and I leave tomorrow for the annual four day out of town meeting for work that I was attending when she went on her first official date with the asshole. Our situations are different now, but I totally get where you're coming from with being thrown for a loop.

I don't have any advice, because in many ways I am feeling just like you are right now, but hang in there.

[This message edited by h0peless at 11:52 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HT)))

Posts: 6591 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((ht)) and ((Nitrobob))

As a suggestion, maybe do something that goes against tradition on those dates; mini-vacation, hike, canoe trip.. whatever.

As we sit and contemplate life, those negative events come flooding in. It's the quiet times that are a killer.

There have been threads on how the WS can help you though it. Maybe go on the R forum and post the question.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 222 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn HT. Guess you are human after all. Don't be so hard on yourself. This shit wounds you, it's a poison that can fester in your system like a virus. You can treat the symptoms, but there is no cure.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3947 | Registered: Dec 2011
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hit a milestone today!

Wife signed off on SA. Now I can re-finance and rebuild my life. In my Province, that's basically the cornerstone of the D agreement and in 11 months we can file a non-contested D!


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min


Posts: 222 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HT.
Its been a really long time since Dday for me. A stupid amount of time.

For allot of years after Dday the antiversaries were a real bitch.

My situ was that my WW really never felt any remorse. Regret that she hurt herself she admits to. But I shouldered allot of blame she heaped on me after Dday. Back then I didnt know enough to throw the responsibility of her LTA back to her. MC and IC didnt help because they pretty much agreed with WW that I *made* her cheat.

WW also admitted that she had lots of good memories of her LTA. Some years later she recanted that. But you know Im not sure I believe that.

So I had a pretty dismal environment in which to recover in. I think thats why it is that only now that Im finally gaining my footing again. And why Ddays were so rough for me for so long.

But you know what? They really arent a big deal to me now. and havent been for quite a few years. There was nothing I did to make that happen. I guess I just healed enough that the date is not that significant anymore. When or if I think of it that day I allow the thoughts in because resisting them seems to give them more strength. I acknowledge the date and perhaps mourn for a minute or so. But then the day goes on and Im fine.

My point is that even in a bad environment for healing. you will still heal. So give yourself permission to feel sad for a bit. Then get out on your own and do something you enjoy.

No matter what the first few years will be rough. But you will get through it.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cvs2kkids - great news brother!

HT, etc. - I intentionally left SI alone yesterday (with the exception of that addicting song title game)as to not give further headspace to what yesterday was - 6 months since d-day. I just want the 20th to come and go without remembering what that day is. My speedy divorce and maintained NC I think has helped me heal at a quicker pace than some are allowed to. That said, I'm a realist, I read the stories here, and I know I have a loooong way to go. For the most part though, it's been nice to just live my new life with the ex becoming more and more of a passing thought.

So, this weekend a few things happened. I finally got a for-sale sign in the yard of the house we bought and shared 7 years together in. I should be doing cartwheels, but instead, that kind of triggered me. My best friend left this weekend for a 4-year deployment on the other side of the country. I knew it was coming, but still, another trigger in that I associate it with yet someone else "leaving me." Then there's the fact that it's been 6 months since the bombshell was dropped on my life. The wound isn't torn open again, but it's definitely irritated right now. I don't want her back. I don't need anyone in my life who could do what she did to me without any hint of remorse. Still, even if she is in a fog she may never snap out of, in her own head, screwed up as it may be, she may think she's really happy. She may think she was justified. She may think all is right with the world. What she won't know is that she still occupies a corner of my headspace, and every now and then she can still take over the entire space. What she won't know is it would still bring me to my knees were I to somehow find out how's she's doing and/or who she's doing it with. I hate that, but so it goes.

Point is, as many have said more eloquently than me - it happens. Each milestone we cross off though, from getting through the firsts to re-associating those antiversaries with something positive, it helps us heal. Peace and strength brothers.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 10:33 AM, July 21st (Monday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1118 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOS...

When you stayed off SI, I remembered that I have wondered whether sometimes SI helps and sometimes it hurts us, if inadvertantly.

A few days ago, I was browsing the site for topics and found a thread about whether APs penis size was bigger. I had actually never thought about that for some reason, even though nature issued standard 6 inch equiptment here. But now I was thinking hard about it.

The bottom line in the thread was that by the time WW got to see it, big was just a bonus, but irrelevant to the A, which I think is true. Also funny was that if your WW says it was about the same, then APs was much bigger.

Apparently you arent really big until the women say, "you are NOT putting that in me". Alas, never got that.

Anyway, I haven't asked WW about it. Don't know if I will. Seems somewhat crude.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's tough HT, but a wise man once told me that every day on a calendar represents something significant to someone - and it runs the spectrum from the warmest of happy memories to outright horror. Not to minimize at all what a certain day in July 2010 meant to you, but there are people out there who experienced things much, much worse that same day.

And time heals wounds. December 7 represented horror, death, and an uncertain future to many Americans at one time. 20 years ago my nephew was born on that date, and there was hardly a mention of its historical significance. Then 9/11/01 happened, and we had a new day that will live in infamy. In 2006 I was praying that my wife wouldn't give birth on the 9/11 anniversary (she didn't). Eight years later, it wouldn't matter what day in September it happened.

They are just dates on a calendar, a way to mark the passage of time and to record trips around the sun in a way that makes sense to us humans. Dec. 7 20 years ago bore no resemblance to Dec. 7, 1941, just like all 9/11s beginning in 2002 bore no resemblance to the one in 2001.

July '14 bears no resemblance to July '10 as far as what's going on in your life, so that's a positive you can focus on.

Now...if I could only convince myself of all of that.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
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