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User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have I mentioned many of you have quite a way with words?

Anyway, my apologies if I seemed to be the one directing the conversation towards "size." That was more of an aside to the whole proverbial shit sandwich and it seemed to take on a life of its own in the discussion. It doesn't matter and I know that.

We could all be built like Greek Gods endowed with members that could adjust and fit perfectly to any vagina, and it doesn't change a thing - you can still be cheated on. We still end up here having these discussions. We could all be fat short dudes who haven't seen the inside of a gym in years, if ever. Still doesn't matter. We deserved better than what we got. Appearances and the superficial don't matter here. If our WWs had an issue with something superficial, you talk about it like reasonable adults in a loving and monogamous relationship. You don't fuck someone else behind your spouses back no matter what your "reasons."

There is no justification. There is no valid reasoning. No matter who you are or how you're put together physically, you gave yourself to one and only one out of love and the most precious trust, and she vowed to reciprocate that out of her own sense of love and trust for you. Then one day, she chose to take that love, that trust, and use it to try and destroy you. That is wrong, period.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I think of when I hear wimmenz bichin about all men is you guys. Like, they haven't met you. And I laugh inside. True story. At my 10th HS reunion, my friend Jimmy told me; "We always respected you jj, because we knew you were going with so and so, but you never talked about it, bragged about it..."

I think I was trained - it was never about me. That's why, when all this happened twice, I was so blindsided. It never crossed my mind. Sure, the reasons I ignored the red flags for the circus sex came to me, painfully, still, not once did it occur to me it was something that I lacked. Size, endurance, and all those other things the shallow shout about...it was within me,
and specifically to cheating - that was within her.

I somehow knew automatically, it was not within me. The vaginal hole they seek to fill with bigger dicks is a vast space
an empty space
unfulfilled....DO YOU SEE THIS BROTHERS?
King Kong couldn't slake
the number of
WHO CARES WHAT THE FUCKTHE NUMBRA SIZE ARE DICKS

it's not about you.
It never was.


Posts: 6644 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's not about you.
It never was.

Bingo.

WW's may be looking to fill a hole, and they do it at any expense. The hole may be spiritual, existential, emotional, mental, or a combination of any or all of those factors. A hole one can't see is hard to fill for someone who lacks strength, so they instead fill that hole in other ways. It could be with another man's dick. It could be with drugs or alcohol or a number of other forms of instant gratification. We menz suffer most for the former, innocent victims of a hole in the one we love or loved. Waywards can't reconcile that hole in them, and in trying in vain to fix with instant gratification that which requires a much more introspect approach, they instead rip a massive hole in someone else.

Its not about us, and it's certainly not about genitalia. It's about being emotionally slaughtered by those we held closest. It's the betrayal found in being wounded in such a selfish and despicable manner - the woman we loved above all had a hole in her, and in her selfishness, heartlessness, and unwillingness to address that hole and close it off for good, she filled that hole at the expense of our spiritual, emotional, existential and mental well being. They transpose that hole onto us and magnify it, and then make it our problem to deal with.

This hole I speak of is very much like a physical wound. You don't shove shit in an open wound to fix it. Instead, you clean it, treat it, stitch it, and help it heal. An emotional hole is healed in a similar way if its ever going to heal, but instant gratification, literally and/or metaphorically shoving shit in a hole, that doesn't work long-term and only hurts others. If only our WW's knew or cared before they did what they did.

it's not about you.
It never was.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 7:36 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of my WW's choice of who became Thing 1 might have been at least partly size related because he was an old BF so she knew what she'd be getting. I readily admit I don't exactly have a slab of meat between my legs that would be the envy of other men and give women a rush of horror tinged excitement at the sight of it, and you what? It doesn't matter one damn bit. And it doesn't because I'm the best man she's ever had. I guarantee you if this ends our M she will NEVER find anyone that will be fit to lick my boots as a husband, a friend, and a lover. I'm that fucking good. And so are all of you.

[This message edited by WearingTheHorns at 8:00 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 281 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're goddamn right WTH! It doesn't matter, and she will never do better. When the dust settles and the time comes for more than instant gratification to fill the spaces, that's when the WW knows....she fucked up big time.

For some of us, we can heal that relationship. For the rest, those like me who see the bridge burned behind me at her hand, well, I'm choosing to look forward. She's left with the embers of that burnt bridge and the realization that she lost the best thing to ever happen to her. Maybe she never comes to that realization. Doesn't matter, and it certainly doesn't matter what I'm "packing"...I'll survive. We all will.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
HoldingTogether
♂ Member
Member # 29429
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello gentlemen,

Only have a moment to post, and I certainly wouldn't want to distract from the penis discussion (Love me a good penus discussion. ) but I wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for the support and encouragement. It is sincerely appreciated.

I'm doing a lot better today. Thanks in no small part to all of you. It is truly amazing how much it can help just to be able to put this shit out there and have people who understand, truly understand, commiserate with and support you.

I honestly don't think I would have made it through the past 4 years with out this site and the people like all of you who inhabit it.

I am quite honestly awestruck and humbled by the privilege of knowing you all.

HT


Me:BH 41
Her:FWW40(Walkinoneggshellz)
2 Beautiful little girls 13&10
Dday: 7/24/10 1yr EA turned 5 monthPA
"I gotta hole in me now... I got a scar I can talk about."

Posts: 433 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: New Life
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, everything you said makes sense to me, except that whatever omens we ignored early usually didn't blow up until 10 years later, if you check most of the stories on SI. Kind of hard to predict that far out.

I've always had trouble with the morals angle too, mainly because I had sex with WW before I married her, which some people think is immoral too. I guess I prefer saying WW were dishonest, because sexual morality seems so fungible, but a lie, even one of omission, is universally reviled. Related would be breaking the marriage contract. Morals to me means don't bud in line more than matters of the heart.

Thoughts?


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitrobob -

The warning signs were there when I was dating my stbx, and continued in the M. The outright immorality and lies by omission are what began to drive me over the edge shortly before her first A. Even now, four years since, she finally admitted that she was never up front with me on many issues, which confirms what I've already stated above.

I found it invasive at times when I would come home and she would be going through my shit (before M) and pictures would be missing (anything with a girl in a group photo must have been an ex). I didn't throw a fit though because I've always pretty much lived an open book life. But if I asked her a question all I ever got was a flat out lie or some ambigous bullshit that didnt make sense.

For instance, she brought up the inevitable question a few months into dating about how many women I'd been with. I answered and asked her the same in return. Her answer was an adamant 4, which I never quite believed. Two confirmed OM later she slipped up when asked again and cited the same number.

Lies by omission or outright lies demonstrate the complete lack of morals held by a WW. Biggest part that pisses me off is that I allowed myself to buy into the bullshit.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
MovingUpward
♂ Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad that you are doing better today, HT.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52599 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some catch up.

Losfer, thank WAL for the culturing. I had to look up chiarscuro as well.

Hurting, be strong and true to yourself and don't get caught in her web of manipulation. Sex was certainly used as manipulation by my STBXWW.

LS, I posted to your thread in general, but be strong. The Tori gate sounds like a wonderful project. Make sure we get some pictures of the progress.

Nomore, I agree, I don't know if I will be able to trust another woman with heart. I'm sure it could happen, but she's going to have to be a special person that's for sure!

WTH, I would be pissed since it's obvious WW is not really thinking about how her A has changed the marital dynamic. It appears that WWs who get it understand this and the rest are destined for divorce or their betrayed spouse is left suffering with constant pain and that is no life worth living.

Neithan, I can't imagine the strength it required to be strong and not drink given your natural tendency and all the stress of an affair. Congratulations on a job well done!

HT, nitro, dates have been a problem for me as well, but I'm trying to rewrite them. I think if WW had done something to help that would have made it easier. Unfortunately I'm going to get two dates out of one affair the antiversary and our anniversary.

Unfortunately, it never will fully heal. Time heals but doesn't fully heal all wounds.
Great statement though I'm going to change it just a bit: Unfortunately, it will never fully heal. Time lessens the pain, but never full heal the wound.

Montreal, That's an amazing story. I wanted to hike on the Pacific Crest Trail for 50 days on my latest birthday, but her affair killed my preparation for that. Maybe once the dust settles I can get back to that.

Sal, A great couple posts over the last couple pages! Well said and thank you for some great insight.

JJCT, The only think I'll add is for those of us who suffered from an EA it's the empty space in their heart/head that we can't fill and for the same reason, it's not entirely our fault. Or maybe I should just say what MOS said.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With that out of the way a story from my weekend.

I went to listen to the same band on Friday night that I listened to on Thursday. They were playing a slightly different setup so I decided it was worth the extra drive. Had a nice dinner at a restaurant up the street and then went to the bar and got a good seat to listen. Just before the band started playing a lot of people who looked my age started showing up and most looked single. I'm thinking wow did I just discover the single bar for my age bracket? As it turned out one of the local high schools was having a reunion and a bunch of the single people had shown up. Surprisingly the two ladies I talked to most were both not part of this group. I am still married so was wearing my wedding ring and was not interested in more than just a conversation, but it was nice to step into the waters of conversing with a woman other than my STBXWW. The cherry on top was when I was paying my tab the bar tender said she thought I was the handsomest man in the place that night. I doubt that would be a majority decision, but I certainly appreciated that this was her truth.

Today has been a bit more challenging. Seems like STBXWW wants to use ridiculously low values for everything she wants to keep, including the house and hasn't bothered to figure out if she can actually afford it. I am so looking forward to having this all behind me. I think I'm dealing with a double headed drama lama


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holes....

The thing I remember about divorce ( its my second marriage with the A, my first went off the rails with addiction issues. I sure can pick em), was the slow realization that the opposing lawyers were actually on the same side, playing a cruel game in which the legal fees dwarfed whatever my wife and I were disagreeing about.

I also found out that a 300 k loan I had taken in my name to pay taxes wasn't community debt but mine alone, and not included in any judges calculation. My pension plan was fair game for her, though. The law is an ass.

Anyway, divorce sucks so much that its one of the things that keeps me focused on R.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many of the vehicles and one car loan for basically zero interest are in my name. Luckily the car with the loan is the one she drives so I think I'm safe on that loan.

I hear you on the lawyer front. So far for the first meeting her lawyer wants to discuss if the bills are being paid. Well she's getting all the money right now they sure better be! I don't need to spend $500 an hour to make sure the bills are getting paid. Once she gets me all the account information I can verify what she say. What I want is a plan on how we are going to split the assets and what's going to happen to the house.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So two years ago tomorrow night, my ex wife was on her first date with her new dad while I sat in a different room in this same hotel wondering why she wasn't answering my calls or responding to my texts. I was worried about her safety. She was fucking some disgusting fucker 16 years her senior.

I spent tonight drinking and talking a bunch of shit with my co-workers. My roommate is talking care of my dogs, and ulik emy ex, I knoww he's going to feed them when they're supposed to be fed instead of fucking some dude. I have some piece off mind. I suppose that's an improvement.

My alcohol consumption is going to be off the charts this week. I need to find a better way to deal with my pain but that can wait until after July 29th.


Posts: 1734 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeless'

People change alot from college to 30. The person that left was different than the person you married, and so were you. Sometimes people grow apart. I know it is cliche but it is very true. It was the small risk you took in picking a life mate so young. I did it too, first marriage at 21. Now I know why my parents thought it was a bad idea!

What you need to do now, a year out, is get back in the game. For men, the biological clock doesnt tick. You can marry a 25 year old, have a bunch of rug rats and live happily ever after.

Go for it!!


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h0peless))), just make sure to take care of you over the next week or so. Sending you strength brother.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 281 | Registered: Dec 2012
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nomore, I agree, I don't know if I will be able to trust another woman with heart. I'm sure it could happen, but she's going to have to be a special person that's for sure!
Well, this works as long as you can keep things really casual, but eventually it gets to be an issue. I’ve been dating casually for ~7 months and had some fun, met some interesting people, etc. But now, I’ve been seeing a woman for a couple months and things are starting to get more serious. As things have been progressing, I started to get this nagging desire to pull away. Nothing major, but it was there.

Then, we had a serious conversation, and I triggered, probably one of the biggest triggers I have had yet. I knew she could see it, so I shared just enough so she knew what was going on and I didn’t want to talk about it. But it didn’t go away, I sat on it for almost a week and I had to bring it up again. I told her everything… and that is when things got really bad. She handled it wonderfully. Right now, that seems like the worst thing that could have happened because now, I’m out there, exposed, invested, vulnerable, and I have absolutely no reason to run… in fact running would seem really stupid. That was over a week ago, and I’m filled with constant anxiety, now.

These last couple weeks have been the worst in a long time. I thought I was doing pretty well, but now I wonder if I’ll ever be able to have a serious relationship ever again. That trigger was really bad, and my anxiety now is just horrible. The woman is great, but a big part of me wants to cut and run. Maybe I’m not ready to date, but then if I wasn’t dating I would’ve never even known about this. How do I deal with this? Any insight?


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 436 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your story posted somewhere? That would help.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 134 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is your story posted somewhere? That would help.
I’m going to assume this was directed at me, and no it is not posted so I will give a quick rundown.

Met in college. Dated for 4 years, M’ed for 8.
About 5 ½ years into M, lies started to come out and I started digging. Started to go to MC, and found out she cheated before we were M.
More digging, more lies. Found out about current A.
TT and false R for 9 more months before the last d-day.
More MC, an unremorsefull XWW who eventually D’ed me because I finally stopped accepting her shit.
Now, S for ~20 months and D final for just over a year.
If I missed anything important just ask.

ETA: I'm 32 now, almost 33.

ETA2: It was never diagnosed but through all the MC I have a strong suspicion that xWW was BPD (2 different MC gave some indications)

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 11:51 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 436 | Registered: Jul 2011
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
What?  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NoMore,

I'm still fairly early in my S heading for D, so dating is not even in the cards now for me.

The time frame talked a lot here is 2-5 years to recover. You're just at the 2 year stage, so you're really still on track.

IC may be a benefit to you. It may help find the source of your anxiety with the new GF, but likely, the A is still the culprit.

Especially as a BS, we feel the need to get back in the game to prove the WS wrong, but that is exactly yhe wrong type of thinking.

Certainly, if your having panic attacks, it certainly appears you aren't ready, but that's not a bad thing. We all go at our own pace. Well meaning friends and relatives may tell you to get out there, but only you know when you are ready. You've been honest with your new GF, so she knows what's going on. If she pushes for more, you know she really isn't on the same page as you.

A piece of advice I see often is when you're contempt to be alone, then you're ready to date That's when you know you're almost healed!!


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


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