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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nomore, it sounds like you may have found someone very special. I guess the best way to deal with it is just like an affair, one day at a time. If you can be open and vulnerable and she is supportive and understanding I would expect that dynamic to lead to healing on your part and connection between the two of you. I'm sure it's scary. I would guess your feelings for her have ripped the wound from your previous partners affair wide open since it likely never healed correctly and your new friend is getting a birds eye view at your deepest pain. If she can handle that in a kind and compassionate way, try to stay the course even if it is hard. I'm guessing healing for you is on the other side of this pain. Though none of us would fault you for turning around and saying the pain is too great I'm not ready for this. Unfortunately we understand your pain.

hopeless, my suggestion is to try to do thing with others that doesn't involve drinking. Yes I have nights that when I get home I have a drink, but I always limit it to one and I usually try to talk myself out of it. I have seen and I'm sure others here can attest that using alcohol as a crutch can lead to a very dark place. We understand the pain and if you have no one who is understanding to talk to in person post here and we'll support you the best we can.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nomore, I just read your story. I also have had to deal with a likely BPD who had little to no remorse for her actions. Though I made it a decade longer than you before the bomb dropped.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cvs2kkids,
Iím 3+ years post last d-day. I was by myself for over a year and quite comfortable with it before I even considered dating. I have no doubt that I could go right back to it and be quite fine, again.
IC may be a benefit to you. It may help find the source of your anxiety with the new GF, but likely, the A is still the culprit.
I am still in contact with an IC, and the trigger wasnít even A related, it was a relationship in general trigger.
You've been honest with your new GF, so she knows what's going on. If she pushes for more, you know she really isn't on the same page as you.
Thatís the thing, she was incredibly understanding and isnít pushing for anything, but for some reason that just makes me want to run even more. Then if I think about that, I know it is screwed up and I start to feel even worse. From what Iíve read a healthy relationship following one with a BPD partner often feels uncomfortable, so it may be that but whatever it is, I think it will only come up/be adressed in a relationship.

HeartFullOfHoles,
Thank you, that has been what I've been trying to do, it just feels overwhelming at times and I really donít know how to address it.

If you can be open and vulnerable and she is supportive and understanding I would expect that dynamic to lead to healing on your part and connection between the two of you.
I wasn't ready for that much vulnerability and even though she was very supportive, now that I'm out there it feels like I'm just waiting for the flip.

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 12:43 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 445 | Registered: Jul 2011
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving. Strength my friend! Remember we often grow the most when we push ourselves.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nomoreplease


Well, if you check my story, bipolar was a substantial issue.

When true mental illness is in play, some of the general advice about boundaries, not just friends, validation, selfishness, etc either don't apply or apply weakly. I'm still in for the ride, but if you are divorced already, you should understand that it is really not anything wrong with you. Same if they get cancer and die.
Ive read about very high rates of divorce after bipolar diagnosis. It's just poorly compatible with fidelity or marriage; in hypomania, it's where the expression nymhomaniac originates.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell ó 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always had trouble with the morals angle too, mainly because I had sex with WW before I married her, which some people think is immoral too. I guess I prefer saying WW were dishonest, because sexual morality seems so fungible, but a lie, even one of omission, is universally reviled. Related would be breaking the marriage contract. Morals to me means don't bud in line more than matters of the heart.

Thoughts?

Bob, I see your point. My morality has been selective at times over the years, and I might even be sexually immoral if you count just what I've thought over the years. But I've always regarded marital infidelity as a huge no-no. Bad enough to be included in the 10 Commandments.

But whether you see it as immoral, unethical, despicable, or just plain trashy, I think most agree that it is really bad behavior. And I would think that there's a correlation between promiscuous behavior in the younger years and cheating behavior in the middle-aged years.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:31 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, anyone else hit a wall in their workday where they look at the metric shit-ton in front of them and just say "no mas. I'm just done for today." Well, I have hit that wall. What. A. Day.

Anyway....as you were...

nomoreplease - While I know I'm NOT ready to consider dating yet, I can still somehow empathize with where you're coming from regarding this vulnerability and this sensation to run. So, even though this may be one of those "easy for me to say" things, I agree with what a few others have said - it sounds like you may have someone special here.

but if you are divorced already, you should understand that it is really not anything wrong with you.

What Bob said.

Again, I haven't been where you are yet, so I may just be hoping to see another example unfold before all of us of new love and life after infidelity. I just hope that for you, you do what's best. I'm pulling for you here in that "what's best" doesn't mean running, and that there's no "flip" as you put it coming anytime soon, or ever. Strength brother.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 5:08 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


ďThe wound is the place where the Light enters you.Ē ― Rumi

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MOS, I have days like that more than I would like. It really suck when I know what I should be able to do and what I can actually get done don't line up. I try not to get stuck in the work too hard/long to make up trap. It really helps that both the VP and CEO I work for are understanding and accommodating of my current situation.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, all these anniversaries are hitting me hard. I swear images of someone's tongue in her mouth are worse than the sex. Kissing is intimate.

I'm writing to say that I am learning how to compartmentalize. You see, I'm doing horribly but put on my happy face when I talk to WW. It's just not worth hearing I'm sorry every time I tell her I trigger. She can't fix it, and making her feel bad doesn't help either. So I live two lives.

Like she did.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell ó 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stay strong Nitro. You're not alone. I had those mind movies for a couple of years after my stbx's first round of antics. I know what you mean about no longer sharing the triggers too.

Remember, tomorrow's another day and each day that we focus on ourselves and distance ourselves from the trauma our lives begin to take on new meaning and life. Its a tough road, but if you stay the course you will heal.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bob, sorry you're hurting brother. Hang in there. It is indescribably painful as we all know, so all you can do is feel it and move on from it when you're ready. We'll be here for you through the ups and downs.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Sal and hurting.

Got a text from WW tonight, im a state away where i work during the week. She was looking for a pix of her 16 year old daughter in a dress, and came upon some shots her daughter had secretly taken of me when I moved out last year after Dday. It was a school day but she was home unexpectedly. I just told her i was shifting some clothes to my apartment near work, but she could see I was crying, and took the shots surreptitiously with her cell. So WW sees them, texts to say how horrible it was to see it.

She cried, she said, a trigger for her. Interesting. Perhaps waywards trigger too.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell ó 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 135 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
nuance
♂ Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those stories in general and JFO where the guys are in round #2 after years really bother me. I guess it takes a special type of WS to see what the BS went through and still do it again.

14 years and counting for me. I *think* I'm out of the woods :)


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1217 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nuance - don't ever relax mate. I went 14 years between DDays.

I would think that there's a correlation between promiscuous behavior in the younger years and cheating behavior in the middle-aged years.

Not sure I agree Sal. I wasn't the most responsible single person out there, but I never committed to anyone. There's probably a study out there that proves me wrong, but whatever.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4004 | Registered: Dec 2011
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those stories in general and JFO where the guys are in round #2 after years really bother me.

I went 14 years between DDays.

Absolutely my greatest fear about all this. To find out there were more than the two A's I knew about would be one thing. But finding out years later that she had started another I think would just push me over the edge where I couldn't be held responsible for my actions. For those of you who've been through that, you're a better man than I.


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 286 | Registered: Dec 2012
lordhasaplan?
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Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went 14 years between DDays.

Absolutely my worst nightmare. But in the end, its always a possibility and we are all more or less better prepared for the time if it were to come, past experiences and all .


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
Razor
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Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She cried, she said, a trigger for her. Interesting. Perhaps waywards trigger too.

probably they do. but Id take their *triggers* over mine in a hot second.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
5454real
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

razor, I have to respectfully disagree. ultimately, my triggers are not my fault. a Wayward has to deal with the fact that they were the perpetrator of the ultimate betrayal for the rest of their lives. personally, I like being able to look into the mirror.

that is, if she truly has remorse.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2994 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went 14 years between DDays

Whether 4 days or 14 years I don't know that it makes a whole helluva lot of difference. The amount of times between betrayal merely indicate how long they were able to keep up the lie of fixing their shit.

My stbx made it just short of 4 years before she found a new "friend", who she swears she isnt doing anything with nor will she ever, but still finds it necessary to delete multiple daily texts to / from and talk to several times per day. While still sleeping with me and professing her "love" for me. Or was that my paycheck and the stability I provide that she "loves"? I get confused!

Gentlemen, it makes no difference in time frames inbetween OM. They're broken inside, and while there are some that can look within and make some necessary self repair, many are simply incapable.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
StillGoing
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Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would think that there's a correlation between promiscuous behavior in the younger years and cheating behavior in the middle-aged years.

I think the reality is probably closer to younger = I'm Going To Do Something Really Stupid Even If I Am Smart Enough To Know Better.

Though I base that on my own experiences and the question it brings up whenever I think about it: "How am I still alive?"

I think having lots of promiscuous sex would probably have been both more fun AND less dangerous though. Then again it's not like I was drowning in those options.

I have no idea where I was going with that.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7487 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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