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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and as for lawyer, our residence is in NC, and I'd have to wait a year for a final divorce, but I'm going to consult with one (via phone) on Fri to see what I should be doing. Finances are pretty much separated, she starts a new job on Monday, some of the house bills and the rental house she and kids live in are in my name (we are both on rental agreement).

Not a lot of $ to divide up - her spending and me being unemployed for a year burned up nearly all the savings.


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worn- sounds like your doing good one foot in front of the other. Your ducks are lining up and the rest of your life is about to become yours. Hang in there, a few shitty days are sure to rear their ugly head between now and the final decree, but the light is there shining brightly at the end of this tunnel.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 976 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that's why I started posting. I really need the support to walk away. I've sucked back in so many times.

I occasionally need a couple of 2x4s to keep me going.

I've already told my brother to fly across the country and kick me in the balls if I even start talking about forgiveness.


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you like we can make a pact. I got sucked back in last night about midnight and did the deed again with my stbx. If I fall for that shit again can you kick me in the nuts with the sharp side of a bowie knife? And if you have a weak moment let me know ill put on some shit kickers and return the favor...


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 976 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like just good ol B'Menz code gents . Respect. That simple. Respect your mate enough to kick him in the nuts when he needs it. And for him to respect you for kicking him in the nuts, cause no one else would do it. Simple. Respect.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3923 | Registered: Dec 2011
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chances are there is someone in the club who lives near you. I imagine any of us could stand in for your brother if you need any sense "talked" into you...

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like an AA sponsor.

Except the SI sponsor just kicks you in the nuts instead of talking you down. No talk, just kick.

Get us BHs out of our fog.

[This message edited by WornDown at 8:32 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome WornDown)))
I went through a period of allowing my self-respect to be worn down to serve my dongle's needs. After all, it was circus sex...but that dang whispering voice that was witness to my soul's corrosion finally found its full volume, and I was really just done with that sacrifice.
I wasn't strong at first, but I did become strong when I learned to really honor & (h/t Tred) respect myself.

just want to go get a dog from the pound and be left the hell alone. If I had the funds I'd buy one of the isolated farms a little further out from town to complete the tranquility of it all!

I recommend a nice Border Collie. Look up *your favorite breed* rescue in your area...

Happy Belated Birthdays Brothers!


Posts: 6572 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Worn,

Not to sound to Oprah, but you never had the marriage you desire. Keep telling yourself that and the longing for WW will disappear.

I would encourage you to fight harder for there younger kids. If WW is leaving them alone to run the roads, exposing them to strange men, well..

But you know best you're mental state and ability to be a single dad.

Border collie's are good, but labs are better. No barking, reliable and mostly lazy.


Me: BH (43) Her WW 41

R'ing going,going..gone!!
Divorcing!

She no more will have that power over me. I can make, and will make, my own happiness. We we're a good team at one point, but I am great as an individual!!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a lab once who was smarter and lore loyal than any human I've yet encountered. Could open AND close gates, was a great watch dog even took a few bites out of crime from an unlucky dumb sumbitch who broke into my house, liked my ex wife less than I did, and enjoyed any brand of beer. She could out belch anyone I've met too!


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 976 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any of you Menz into ham radio? Discovered it by chance. May give it a try, sounds like a hobby I could get into.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 727 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where were you a year ago when I was learning everything I could about radio communications for my book, GotPlayed?

Now I have to have my editor add "Anything I got wrong about the radio bits is GotPlayed's fault" to the acknowledgements page.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6744 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn WAL...DSP (RF engineering) is near and dear to my heart...


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3923 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

& yeah wal...about that book?...and the signed copy I requested?
I realized just now why the 'gentlemen of the realm' cracks me up so much - like sunsets with u2T - it reminds me of that movie King Arthur - the good one, that has no infidelity Lancelot bullshit in it. Which. I. Love.
You know the one - with Keira Knightley? (O how apropos!) - and the empty round table scene...

We are Knights. The kind in heroes tales.
No shit. You want the reframe of reframing?
It's been handed to you.


Posts: 6572 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, just how batshit crazy is my WW? Here's an example from a text exchange earlier today.

[Just a preface, I was going through her cell phone records from July (she's since changed the password), and found a bunch of numbers that were associated with guys and were contacted late at night >10pm (most were after midnight).)

I asked her about a number that belongs to a George (last name withheld to protect the guilty).

WW: I don't know George X.

BH: How about this [George's phone number]?

WW: Nope

BH: [send screen shot of dozens of texts to that number]

WW: You need a fucking life

OK.....


BH: Who's Marcus [phone number]?

WW: Oh, he's a drug dealer.

BH: Why do you have his number? Are you doing drugs?

WW: I hook other ppl up. Test me I'm clean.

BH: How'd you get his number? And WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU KEEP IT?

WW: He gave it to me. I hit him up when ppl are in need. I'm just a middle man. I'll be glad to piss, give blood and​/or hair. Never know when you might need it.

BH: You are fucked in the head. I know when I'll need it NEVER.

WW: I don't transport. Just get ppl together.

BH: So just conspiracy. Like the guy on the corner.

WW: I didn't realize that. No idea who the fuck George is.


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then she asked me for money (I get paid on Fri, put $ in her account when I get paid every two weeks). She took the kids to the SC coast; her mom rented a place for vacation.

She needs money for gas, buy mom dinner as a thank you. I asked her again about George - no answer.

BH: Funny about our memories as we get older. They seem to go on us, huh? I seem to forget how to send you money?

BH: Maybe you can jog my memory by answering who those phone numbers are? Or maybe just who George is?


She went nuts - i'll sue you, it's for the kids, etc.

Of course I'm sending her $. Im responsible like that.


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worn down,

What scares me about your story is that you got an answer about the craziness, bipolar, but it didn't stop.

I'm betting my heart the diagnosis and the meds will put a stop to Ashley Madison hook ups. I was hoping I just had to accept the past but the future was brighter. Maybe not.

The fact of the matter is that while I love my wife, I trust her less than, for example, a girl after three dates with whom I had a great rapport. I guess that's what they mean when they say trust less than zero, when a virtual stranger seems like a better bet to cover your back than your wife.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 132 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitro,

With BP or any other mental disorder, the meds help slow down the brain, but will never stop the behavior. That is where therapy comes into play. They have to recognize when they are going out of control, and take steps to not lose control (change environment, ask for help, etc.)

Some do, some don't. My wife skirted the therapy. Thought taking a pill was all that was needed.

Then for a while she stopped taking the pills, because "they dulled the real her."

Bottom line, they have to want to change. She didnt

When all this started (7 years ago), I was in IC. He told me that it would take her at least 2 years of really working on herself before she could even begin to work on the marriage. If she had a personality disorder, he'd never seen one change their behavior.

I hate to sound negative, but in my experience, if your WW/WH has mental isues, throw in the towel. Move on.


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
Nitrobob
♂ Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worn down,

There is always the issue of throwing good money after bad, or watching a stock go lower. When do you sell?

So it's been 4 months on the meds and therapy, she is compliant and doing/saying the right things. I'm in for 12 years, so I've got to wait this out I think.

But the advice you give, I would give to my son. Marriage is hard enough without mental health issues.

Honestly, a lot of the wisdom on SI has been hard to apply in a situation in which WW herself doesn't think anything she did makes any sense. Women looking for a little excitement on the side don't need to sleep with 5 men including me in the same month, that's just crazy. Not cake eating, not validating not midlife crisis, just crazy and frankly fairly dangerous.

So I take what I can to help me.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 132 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worn, couple of things.

So, just how batshit crazy is my WW? Here's an example from a text exchange earlier today.
[Just a preface, I was going through her cell phone records from July (she's since changed the password), and found a bunch of numbers that were associated with guys and were contacted late at night >10pm (most were after midnight).)

I asked her about a number that belongs to a George (last name withheld to protect the guilty).

WW: I don't know George X.

BH: How about this [George's phone number]?

WW: Nope

BH: [send screen shot of dozens of texts to that number]

WW: You need a fucking life

OK.....


BH: Who's Marcus [phone number]?

WW: Oh, he's a drug dealer.

BH: Why do you have his number? Are you doing drugs?

WW: I hook other ppl up. Test me I'm clean.

BH: How'd you get his number? And WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU KEEP IT?

WW: He gave it to me. I hit him up when ppl are in need. I'm just a middle man. I'll be glad to piss, give blood and​/or hair. Never know when you might need it.

BH: You are fucked in the head. I know when I'll need it NEVER.

WW: I don't transport. Just get ppl together.

BH: So just conspiracy. Like the guy on the corner.

WW: I didn't realize that. No idea who the fuck George is.

Wow, you really have all that in text? That absolutely, positively has to be saved and given to your lawyer. You may have doubts about custody, but I don't think your lawyer will. I'm not conversant with how the drug/facilitation laws work, but there is no doubt that by engaging in such behaviors, the childrens best interest is NOT the uppermost subject on her mind. I'm pretty sure that you could get(no, SHOULD) get custody of the kids. Please, please talk to your lawyer about this.

MI is a very touchy subject. My XW was *semi* dx'd as a borderline PD. I say semi because when our MC(a psychologist) recommended she go see a psychiatrist to *look into* XW's borderline tendencies, XW never went to see any other type of therapist again. None of the problems were of her own making, everyone else was wrong. I went back for another session to get recommendations for IC and the psychologist said that a formal dx wasn't really needed. I had dodged the biggest bullet she had ever seen.
On the other hand, I know several people here and IRL who seem to be dealing well with their illness and functioning rather well. The difference is that they recognize the absolute necessity for meds and therapy. For the rest of their lives, they won't outgrow it.

Worn, frankly, your WW sounds dangerous. What will she do if you fight for custody? Listen to your lawyer.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

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