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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ascendant, Losfer, my profoundest apologies. Happy belated birthday to you both. LS, you too!

I'm buying!!

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:47 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
WearingTheHorns
♂ Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy belated birthday to those who've just celebrated.
WornDown, welcome. As others have said, sorry you're here but glad you found us.

Been a weird last few days for me. WW was gone Th-Mon. We were supposed to be going on our family cruise those days but I'd misunderstood what HR had told me so we changed it to Dec. Turned out to be for the best since I just changed jobs. WW ended up going to our timeshare for those days to scrapbook with her best friend. I didn't really mind as long as it wasn't cover for another cruise like their last plans to scrapbook became.

I ended going out with an old friend Friday night that I haven't seen since prior to dday. We drank, I told him my tale of woe, and it turns out he was a BH too. He said he almost got sucked back in after they'd S and she'd burned almost all her bridges, but said FTN and filed. There was a lot of things I said about how I feel and what WW and I have been through that he told me he remembered having gone through the same thing. Then he kind of knocked me for a loop when he said, "Honestly I don't think the two of you will last much longer. Especially now that things are starting to turn your way with the new job. I think you'll suddenly realize you can make it on your own and decide to end it."

Everything we talked about's been going through my head since. That, plus the weekend before this last one, we were on our way home from BIL's house and her youngest boy was working late so we ran by to drop some food off for him. WW took the food while I waited in the car. She got back in the car and said, "I just got hit on." My mind went to red alert but I just said, "Oh?" She said "Yeah, that guy," and she pointed to a guy walking through the parking lot with a couple of others, "said 'What are you doing tonight?' It was too dark to see if it was someone I knew, so I just said 'Nothing' So then he said " Then why don't you come home with me?'" I'm waiting to hear that she told him "How dare you?" " I'm a married woman", something like that. No, she says she told him "I really don't think so." That's it? No outrage? No righteous indignation? Nope. And I could tell by the tone of her voice and her expression that it was because she liked it.

She's always enjoyed attention from other men and I've always known it. I was always fine with it too, until I found out she was willing to suck and fuck other men who paid her the right kind of attention. Since then she's mentioned it a couple of other times. The other day when she'd asked how Friday night went she asked me if I'd gotten hit on at the bar we went to. I was offended she'd ask and told her no, I wasn't nor did I want to be hit on. She said, "Well you never know. I mean, I got hit on last week." Well no shit. And you're telling me this again why? I don't know what her intent with mentioning it repeatedly is, but what I hear when she does is, "I love it when men pay attention to me. It turns me on and makes me happy. Maybe I'll just fuck the next one who does it if I don't feel like I'm getting enough ego kibbles from you." Whatever the reason she's not doing herself any favors.

Sorry this was long. Like I said, just a lot on my mind.

[This message edited by WearingTheHorns at 11:58 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony
2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 268 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH,
I think you're getting closer to your decision. Your friend hit the nail on the head with

I think you'll suddenly realize you can make it on your own

That's huge. Being there will allow you to make any decision you reach a sound one and not one tinged with fear.

You have got your WW absolutely nailed. Your profile of her is spot on. Her reaction to being hit on? Wow, so what? She might change her mind next time? She wanted him to pursue harder? Underwhelming is too strong a description.

Her telling you she is being hit on is telling also. I've been in social situations once or twice in my life where I was single and there were stunningly attractive M'd women there. There was absolutely NO *hit me* vibe coming from them. I'd watch and see men approach and not even get close. I doubt the women even considered the attempt a *hit*. Is WW attempting to make you jealous? Is it a feeble attempt to *show* you she's being open?

Whatever the reason she's not doing herself any favors.

Agreed. Out of curiosity, does she know that she's not?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nitro, 5454,

When the craziness started we'd been together for 17 years, married 11. She started out saying doing the right things, but then about 6 mo-1yr, just kind of went through the motions.

My wife's never liked any kind of work, and she is amazing at compartmentalizing. So, in her mind (IMO) "that was the "old, crazy" her. That's not her anymore. So why put in all this effort to look at the bad things I've done."

Of course, she went back to doing the bad things: over spending, partying 3-4 nights a week till 2-4 am, texting/FB guys, and then hooking up.

It was a cycle that re-occured over and over again, about every 6 mo.

I would have left 2 years ago, but I lost my job and was stuck. Not any more


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
Montreal
♂ Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTH,I know that for me coming to the realization that I was going to be just fine was a real turning point, but perhaps not in the same way your friend meant. For me, once I understood that I could walk away not only with my held high, but in many ways be better off, my healing really started to pick up. And by extension my marriage too. Which isn't to say that I'm cured, or that I've forgiven my wife, or even that we are going to make it. Just that I'm going to be quite fine either way, and in a strange way that sort of mental liberation is beneficial to all. Made me realize that I don't HAVE to reconcile. I am reconciling because I choose to, and I can choose not to at any point. Its a way to reclaim some of the self-esteem, power, and testicular fortitude we may have lost along this horrendous journey. Its one thing to say it to yourself, or to read it, or to hear someone tell you, but its quite another when you actually believe it. I don't know you, but your friend does, and maybe he sees you coming to that realization. Its a good thing.

As for your wife liking being hit on, of course she does. We all do. She doesn't have the healthy boundaries that the rest of us have so she doesn't give off the "nuh-uh" vibe we do though. But if I could offer up a possible defense for her actions though I would say she suffers from low self-esteem (duh) and that she might be pleading for attention from YOU. Trying to make you jealous so that you will be the one giving her the ego shots. Not saying its right, or that you shouldnt take offense, or that she doesn't need therapy, but maybe its not quite as nefarious as "I'm about to bang this parking lot guy". It could just be a pathetic cry to you for help. She's a wayward, they're fucked up.


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 88 | Registered: Sep 2013
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, you really have all that in text? That absolutely, positively has to be saved and given to your lawyer.

Dang skippy I do.

On top of that, last night she was trying to get me angry by telling me how great sex was with her last boyfriend, and that she's working to get back with him, pry him away from his wife.

I'm keeping that too. In NC, you can sue for divorce based on adultery. If you prove it, that can me no alimony.


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the topic of realizing life is better after the divorce, I'm starting to realize that might be true.

I've got two close friends who went through sudden divorces, and they tell me it was the best thing that happened to them. They didn't realize how miserable they were in there marriages.

That's part of why I'm wondering if being on my own would be best for a while. With the craziness I've been living with, some time might be needed to figure out what reality really is.

I'm staying away from "home" (I work 5h away from where the wife/kids are) for a while, going back once a month (staying at friends' places, not overnight at the house). Just to disconnect myself from the WW. After last night, I'm going to go NC as much as possible (other than kids/finances).

Basically the 180, and work on myself for a bit.


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's always enjoyed attention from other men and I've always known it. I was always fine with it too, until I found out she was willing to suck and fuck other men who paid her the right kind of attention.

My STBX has low self esteem, which of course is my fault. NOT her parents for talking down to her her entire life or hers for not seeking help. So naturally, any type of attention from men especially is an ego boost for her. And she doesnt recognize the attention for what it is or where the boundary should be.

I hate to sound negative, but in my experience, if your WW/WH has mental isues, throw in the towel. Move on.

I have to agree. Xwife and STBX both had cluster B personality disorders. Both are different levels of crazy who view their behaviors as normal.


But if I could offer up a possible defense for her actions though I would say she suffers from low self-esteem (duh) and that she might be pleading for attention from YOU. Trying to make you jealous so that you will be the one giving her the ego shots. Not saying its right, or that you shouldnt take offense, or that she doesn't need therapy, but maybe its not quite as nefarious as "I'm about to bang this parking lot guy". It could just be a pathetic cry to you for help. She's a wayward, they're fucked up.

Bingo


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 987 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you'll suddenly realize you can make it on your own.

I can definitely relate to that. I'm not originally from the US and while I'd been making steady progress over the last couple of years, I was really worried and frightened in the aftermath of Dday that I wouldn't be able to make it over here on my own.

While I'm still not where I want to be and life isn't as economically pleasant as it used to be, the last couple of months have shown me that I can definitely handle things on my own and without what STBXWW brought to the table.

Don't get me wrong - there are moments when I'm scared shitless and very panicked. But those moments are becoming less frequent.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 271 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realized just now why the 'gentlemen of the realm' cracks me up so much - like sunsets with u2T - it reminds me of that movie King Arthur - the good one, that has no infidelity Lancelot bullshit in it. Which. I. Love.
You know the one - with Keira Knightley? (O how apropos!) - and the empty round table scene...

The thing that pisses me off about that isn't just the adultery itself, but how it's worked in as romantic and godly or some bullshit because Lancelot is so fucking perfect. It's a perfect metaphor to show just how fucked up anyone can act and how much damage even the most saintliest of cocks can do in the lips of the wrong vagina, but instead this asshole usually rides in at the end to redeem his perfect supercock by saving the King. I don't think he's in the older stories, but I'm not in a rush to go page through my copy of Mabinogion again. Fun as those stories are the copy I have isn't the abridged version, and every time some dude has a feast there are 6 pages of the guys in attendance. "... Geofffff duManyEffs, Billy the Laird of Lardland, Joe Buggem esquire to Ronald of Beefington" is cool the first few times because you're all thinking "Shit this is totally legit, look at this" and then a few hours later you remember why Zoe Oldenbourg was more fun to read even if it had nothing to do with mythology cycles.

Anyway fuck lancelot.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:53 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, once I understood that I could walk away not only with my held high, but in many ways be better off, my healing really started to pick up. And by extension my marriage too. Which isn't to say that I'm cured, or that I've forgiven my wife, or even that we are going to make it. Just that I'm going to be quite fine either way, and in a strange way that sort of mental liberation is beneficial to all.

^^^ THIS ^^^

Having a plan B that is viable. even desirable. waiting in the wings is extremely liberating. Figuring out the plan B and realizing that I would be fine. MORE THAN FINE ACTUALLY should I D my WW allowed me to see that pulling that D trigger would not be a bad thing at all.

I saw what kind of life I would have with out WW (and half my retirement income) and I was fine with it. I saw myself being happy.

For now life is better with WW than it would be without her. But that can change at any moment. crossing one boundary will have me pulling that trigger. and I can say that with a smile on my face.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
sportsfan
♂ Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys. I would probably be considered a long timer hear on SI but I haven’t posted in this forum for many years although I do lurk from time to time and have enjoyed the banter.

Anyway, I’m peeking in to ask you, my fellow brothers, if you think there is an end date to when a WH can be outed? My dday was just over 9 years ago and I never told the scumbag’s wife about the A. Lately I’ve had the urge to bust him … not sure why … but the feeling is there.

My W and I R’d a long time ago. Making sure her XAP’s W knows what her H did back then will not affect our M. But thinking that the scumbag might have to experience some hardship due to exposure kinda makes me feel vindicated in some way … even after all these years.

Has my chance to fuck him up a little bit expired? They live 4 hours from us so unless he contacts my W or unless his W contacts me i’ll probably never know the consequences.

What do y’all think?

[This message edited by sportsfan at 11:30 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1950 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

edits.

[This message edited by WornDown at 11:35 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey sport! In my opinion, there is no statue of limitations on honesty.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3932 | Registered: Dec 2011
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sportsfan.

I wouldnt tell if my motivation was to hurt OM. I WOULD tell if my motivation was to inform his BW about just who she is M to.

Every BS deserves to know the truth about their own life. Telling the BW will liberate her from the web of lies she is caught in.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While there is no "statue of limitations" per se, I wouldnt bother going there. You risk undoing a lot of work put into your own R if it kicks up a shit storm and there is backlash against your wife.

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 11:41 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 987 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Low self esteem.

Wife sent this to me this am.

Yep. I made her fail out of school, gain 140#, stay in bed all day, not clean, get fired.

What did I do? Yes, got mad when she never cleaned the house (but could go out to lunch with her friends all day), couldn't take the dogs out, took sales jobs that COST me $1000/mo in gas/car/daycare, but no income; stayed out partying till 4 am, called her a whore when I found out about the guys.

But I also paid for her bariatric surgery and tummy tuck to remove loose skin, encouraged her to apply for a job she didn't think she could get (but did), told her that I thought she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen (even when she was 280#).

But hey, it's my fault.

[This message edited by WornDown at 11:50 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
nomoreplease
♂ Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldnt tell if my motivation was to hurt OM. I WOULD tell if my motivation was to inform his BW about just who she is M to.
^^^This

[This message edited by nomoreplease at 11:51 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2011
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what nomore said.

I've got no qualms about dropping the dime on guys, and have done it more than once.

But nine years? I'm kind of torn on that.


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Worn - My stbx is the same way. Right now she's fuming over a post I placed on SI regarding her new trim / shave job for OM, which she never did for me. Claims she's not having sex with him and its incidental to taking kids swimming.

She flipping out that I referred to her years of not trimming / shaving for me as acting like a troll, but now all of a sudden wants to primp for OM. Only thing she took away from this post was that I referred to her as a troll.

NOTHING about the 9 years together when I told her how beautiful she was / is, nothing about how even during this process of D she was able to turn me on and we went to town (more sex than anytime in past two years), none of that. Nope. I called her a troll in an anonymous posting on an anoymous message board on SI and I "crushed her"

She didnt have any take away from any of my posts of her cheating, the lies, my anger at her, her betrayal of her son throwing him under the bus with me, etc. Nope. She's mad becuase I "talked about her privates online" and referred to her as a troll. Which incidentally, I was referring more to her behavior than her looks.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 987 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
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