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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men Part 21
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@10yearsafter - yes, it was just an illustration. I heard somewhere that "before 40 you have the face God gave you. After 40 you have the face you deserve" :) It looks like I was fairly deserving, as I still look very ok. And I definitely will want to get out there once I heal, hopefully D will happen before then (turns out Mrs "want to file first" is now dragging her heels on a final settlement).

And WornDown, I want to second the fact that you really will change once you get out of your personality disordered STBXWW's black cloud. Go to a singles meetup in your area. I found so many wonderful people (men and women) that I realized that life is not only possible after a D from a personality disorder lunatic, it's BETTER. In every single respect. Turns out most people are indeed NOT crazy, and it's such a refreshing change to hang out with healthy people instead, go to the movies, bowling, whatever (I have a party to attend to at the lake this Saturday).

The quicker you start meeting new people (and I don't mean dating, just generally people in your same stage in life), the faster you will heal.

Hang in there, brother.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, did any of you guys catch the tele-seminar from Beyond Affairs Network Wednesday night? It was titled "When the wife had the affair".

I thought it had some great points and I, personally, was able to identify with the BH that they had on for testimony.

Both the WW and the BH had a chance to talk about where they were in the M when the A happened and how they each reacted during/after D-Day.

My take aways were:
1. Most men feel de-masculinated after the wife has an affair. This can last for a very long time (or not) but initially we all wonder what is/was wrong with use and why did the WW have to go elsewhere.
2. Men are more devistated by the WW's physical connection to the AP than the emotional connection.
3. Men tend to (at some point) withdraw into a (fill in the blank...hobby, work, etc) activity after D-Day because most of us don't know how to deal with the devistation and situation. This is a substitue for IC. In comparison, WWs usually are left with dealing with the children or running the household when men withdraw (Their words, not mine)
4. Need to know "Why" and "Why Him". The BH admitted to feeling like getting nowhere and ready to D at 16 months until the WW gave him an acceptable Why and Why Him. I often have that feeling and I think it's cecause I'm still waiting for the Why and Why Him.

If anyone else listened in, I'm curious what you thought about the seminar, or just comment on my thoughts. There are more coming up each Wednesday on various topics.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49, fWW 43 (Amibroken)
OP- Police Chief (Age 37)
M 25 Yrs, 3 Kids (17, 14, 11)
I initated the relationship at the Railway Tavern, she tried to end it at Scrap Tavern

Posts: 489 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My take aways were:
1. Most men feel de-masculinated after the wife has an affair. This can last for a very long time (or not) but initially we all wonder what is/was wrong with use and why did the WW have to go elsewhere.
2. Men are more devistated by the WW's physical connection to the AP than the emotional connection.
3. Men tend to (at some point) withdraw into a (fill in the blank...hobby, work, etc) activity after D-Day because most of us don't know how to deal with the devistation and situation. This is a substitue for IC. In comparison, WWs usually are left with dealing with the children or running the household when men withdraw (Their words, not mine)
4. Need to know "Why" and "Why Him". The BH admitted to feeling like getting nowhere and ready to D at 16 months until the WW gave him an acceptable Why and Why Him. I often have that feeling and I think it's cecause I'm still waiting for the Why and Why Him.

I didn't catch it but you hit on a couple of points.

1) I spent a couple of years fixated on the fact that I must be some kind of real fucked up loser, especially since STBX is the second spouse to pull this shit on me. Thank God for IC and SI.

2)I would have initially agreed with this but OM#2 is more of an EA with some oral (nothing she's confirmed just my suspicions. She claims nothing *happened* but she stopped all bj's which I used to get on a regular basis after meeting him. Red Flag)

3) Without her following any conditions of R, I withdrew into stepping up even more on the house cleaning, the work, school, etc. She was left with the kids more and more; however, I made the time I had fun quality time. Fishing, bowling, etc.

4) For the first couple of years after OM#1, I did wonder why / why him. Her response was always it "meant nothing" BUT he treated her nice and paid attention to her. She went out of her way to say stupid things and play dumb and he didn't correct her. Spent the next year and a half "getting over it" until OM#2. Now left with the realization that she just craves attention that I cannot / will not provide as she is not a partner in this marriage, and I am constantly left cleaning up her shit while still working, cleaning, finishing my masters, etc. For her, ANY DICK THAT PAYS ATTENTION WILL DO.

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 11:48 AM, August 15th (Friday)]


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

paid attention to her

It seems way too simple of an answer, but this is the "why"/"why him" that seems to consistently pop up the most IMO. It hurts to think that a marriage can be defiled for something that seems so...basic and shallow (it really drives home how mentally and emotionally weak and immature our WWs were/are), but there it is.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
MadeOfScars
♂ Member
Member # 42231
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

paid attention to her
It seems way too simple of an answer, but this is the "why"/"why him" that seems to consistently pop up the most IMO. It hurts to think that a marriage can be defiled for something that seems so...basic and shallow (it really drives home how mentally and emotionally weak and immature our WWs were/are), but there it is.

It's kind of tragic how simple it is since, being on the receiving end of betrayal, the mess we're left to clean ain't simple at all. We were taken for granted to the point that we just couldn't fill the WW's "need for validation." Of course we're expected to be there, to shower love and affection and attention - that's just a "given." But its much more "fulfilling" that another man confirm that they are desirable because, above all else, that's all the emotionally and mentally weak ultimately care about - protecting their fragile ego at any cost.

in my XWW's narrative, I went from absent to clingy in the span of a few sentences, and back and forth. I can't be both. I was just whatever I needed to be in her mind at the time to frame her as the victim. She can be someone else's "victim" now - good riddance.


“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ― Rumi

Posts: 1225 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
cvs2kkids
♂ Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

in my XWW's narrative, I went from absent to clingy in the span of a few sentences, and back and forth. I can't be both. I was just whatever I needed to be in her mind at the time to frame her as the victim. She can be someone else's "victim" now - good riddance.

I wish they had a 2 thumbs up emoticon, but in it's absence, 100% yes.


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 234 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

paid attention to her
It seems way too simple of an answer, but this is the "why"/"why him" that seems to consistently pop up the most IMO. It hurts to think that a marriage can be defiled for something that seems so...basic and shallow (it really drives home how mentally and emotionally weak and immature our WWs were/are), but there it is.

Of course we're expected to be there, to shower love and affection and attention - that's just a "given." But its much more "fulfilling" that another man confirm that they are desirable because, above all else, that's all the emotionally and mentally weak ultimately care about - protecting their fragile ego at any cost.

in my XWW's narrative, I went from absent to clingy in the span of a few sentences, and back and forth. I can't be both. I was just whatever I needed to be in her mind at the time to frame her as the victim.

Bingo. And it really is a freaking shame that these WW's don't come with a warning label. Then those of us menz who are worth a damn could steer clear and never have to worry about reaching this point.

I was in IC and something he mentioned hit a chord with something I read on here. Where an unstable person will seek out and latch onto someone who is mentally "superior" (his words, not mine) in an attempt to hide their dysfuntion / damage behind a relationship. Biggest take away from that for me personally was that it wasn't ME that was fucked up, and after retracing point A to B in my relationship with STBX from dating to present, she has been a bag of emotionally fucked up from day 1.

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 1:23 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
HeartFullOfHoles
♂ Member
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome WornDown.

I'm taking a bit of a hiatus from regular posting. Getting pummeled by the drama llamas hooves and need to make sure she's not lurking and using what I say against me. Dealing with a spouse with BPD sure is exhausting. I'll post more in a few months and I promise I'll post a picture of the car some time as well. I'm on a healing path so that is making things a bit more bearable. I plan to keep up on things in the menz thread and may post occasionally, I just probably won't be sharing much of my experiences and struggles for a while. It looks like I need to build a round table for the shop at the new place and then host a PNW GTG.

Have a great Friday gentlemen. I will we be listening to some music and enjoying myself tonight and then spending some time with my extended family tomorrow. I hope each of you can find some enjoyment in your evening and weekend.


BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2014
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@GotPlayed LOL yeah brother I think you are right. I used to be way better looking.

Anyway your going to be A Okay.

Ya'll Menz has a good weekend.


Posts: 206 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotplayed - "before 40 you have the face God gave you. After 40 you have the face you deserve"

Damn you've been blessed. My face changed at 30 by the 3rd anniversary with STBX. Crows feet, hair folicles in a race from my forehead to the back of my ass, and a nice Micro-Brew belly to boot.

She still looks and acts like she's 18. I'll take the crows feet, and while we're at it pass me another round of micro brew, thank you very much!

TGIF Have a great weekend menz....


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe it's because in my case, with an unremorseful WW, it really is a sunk cost.

I get this; I do. The perpetual 12 year old WW's out there. The shit some of you have to put up with makes me want to scream Run Forest Run


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Guys,

Haven't been around much, aside from reading and observing this week, as I have been stoned on various types of cough/cold medicine. My son brought home something from day camp and shared it with me. I'm thinking it was either SARS or Captain Trips.

Lots of good advice going back and forth this week. It has been a great week on the menz thread.

Thanks for the b-day wishes!

Today I am finally feeling well enough to drink something aside from water or alka-seltzer cold medicine. I had a really nice shot of Koda lined up, but I shit you not, he saw a squirrel:

This is him doing his walk of shame back to me after not getting the squirrel. Those are my hops growing all over the place behind him:

Hope you all have a great weekend, gents!

Hey, isn't this thread about to bust?


Posts: 7506 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your right, BM21 only has.....

SQUIRREL!


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
WornDown
♂ New Member
Member # 37977
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have a good weekend, y'all!

[This message edited by WornDown at 5:33 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


Me: BH (43)
WW (43): Way to many guys to count
Three kids (D17, D15, S13)
Together 24 years, married 18

I held on to the dream of marriage for WAAAY too long.


Posts: 49 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Around the Block a few times
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good choice Worn!

Who gave the Ol'E a shout out a few pages back? I'll give it a pic here and pretend for old times sake, but ain't no way I'm drinking it this weekend.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 5:31 PM, August 15th (Friday)]


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very good choice, Worn!

DR, I think I got a hangover just looking at that OE pic. I was more of a Mickey's guy back in the day.


Posts: 7506 | Registered: Dec 2010
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a hangover just looking at that OE pic

Made me a little nausous thinking about it too.
Still don't know why nobody has copied the Mickeys bottles yet. Perfect size for parties, fits the hand, and no long neck for some jack ass to walk by and tap to try and get it to foam all over.


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lights


M:14yrs
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 554 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
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