Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Puddleoftears (44334)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Think i am changing for the better
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HI all,

I posted yesterday about how an attempt at getting some reassurance and a confidence boost from my H went wrong and he got defensive and went on the attack. I was really hurt by what he said about me not being as attractive anymore and some other really hurtful stupid stuff.

I got some very helpful replies and realised just how manipulative he we being. Instead of getting upset, I got angry. I gave him a few choice words this morning and wow do I feel different!

Basically I apologised for my ass backwards attempt at getting some validation and then told him it wasn't a smart thing to do. BUT I am glad I did because it made me realise a few things.

I really don't believe the crap he spouted! I told him that he said it just to hurt me and that actually he did me a favour because I no longer care just 'how' attractive he finds me, or how attractive he found her, does he really want to be with me? so on and so forth. All I care about is do I like me! If he likes and loves me then great, but he had better act like it. If he doesn't that's his loss and he knows where the door is.

I told him he was insensitive, hurtful and childish and that I wouldn't be going to him for validation anymore. That I know I am good enough and that's what matters.

As I was saying all this I realised a few things. These are HUGE for me. That even if I am not the most attractive person around I am GOOD ENOUGH! I have nothing to be ashamed of. I can look back on my life without the shame of being a cheater.

I also realised I have NOTHING to be jealous of. Having my attractiveness attacked made a little fire inside me.

It's one thing for ME to knock my looks but when he did, well, it took a while but something went BANG! No one is perfect, he's no Adonis and she's no Barbie - far from it. So what the hell do I have to be jealous about? Two sad people who didn't give a damn about each other? Two selfish people who would have done the same with ANYONE who was available and willing? Two people who didn't give a shit about each other and were simply play acting to try and see if they could 'pull' they didn't even fancy each other! They both just wanted the ego boost of the other wanting them. How's that for desperation....

I also realised that out there somewhere is man who would think I am the best thing since sliced bread, who would find me sexy as hell, warts and all because I am genuine, caring, loving, soft and cuddly, giving and at the end of the day, just as attractive as most people. I am not a monster and even of I was there is always someone who will value you for what's inside. I realised I believe that if he doesn't want me someone out there would see me as a prize!

I told him flat out that I know the way he lashed out at me verbally was because he was on the defensive but that we should have talked it out and that there is no excuse for the things he said. I told him I don't care if he meant them or not and it's up to him if he stays. I will be just fine if he decides he doesn't want me anymore. I said I am GOOD ENOUGH for me.

I thought he was going to fall over in shock!

Instead he gave me a big hug and apologised whole heartedly. He admitted he lashed out, old coping mechs, and said he was sorry for hurting me.I said he won't get the chance again cos I am looking after me now. If he lashes out I will walk away and leave him to it til he has calmed down.

I never thought I would be able to say that I like myself but somehow his insults made me stand up for me instead of knocking myself down. It took a while but I got there.

I have been in therapy for this low self esteem and frankly self hatred, on and off most of my life, and all it took was for someone I love to insult me once too often for me to finally stand up for myself and be fighting on my side!


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 598 | Registered: Jul 2013
ncharge
♀ Member
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AWESOME!!! I am so happy for you. You are taking back your power!

Posts: 86 | Registered: Feb 2014
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay Olwen!!!!

So what the hell do I have to be jealous about? Two sad people who didn't give a damn about each other? Two selfish people who would have done the same with ANYONE who was available and willing? Two people who didn't give a shit about each other

This is an important fact to own as your own...own it in your mind and your heart. Your CoD nature programmed you to think his A was all about you. His TT'ing and recent verbal abuse confuses you more. A waywards mind must, out of necessity, create facts that simply aren't there in order for them to chose adultery. Unless a person is a psycopath....the mind must lie to itself to choose adultery. Right now your mind is getting these facts....the heart takes a bit longer. Your heart was hurt long ago and never healed...it is more timid to feel and heal the pain of your husbands affair, which wounded your heart too. But you ARE getting it. Its a process...you will slide around a bit on these facts, but you will come to own them as the truth they are.

Sin is sin. Adultery, like all other sin, is a selfish act meant to get from....not to give to.

I also realised that out there somewhere is man who would think I am the best thing since sliced bread, who would find me sexy as hell, warts and all because I am genuine, caring, loving, soft and cuddly, giving and at the end of the day, just as attractive as most people. I am not a monster and even of I was there is always someone who will value you for what's inside. I realised I believe that if he doesn't want me someone out there would see me as a prize!


Yes. This is correct too. CAUTION: I am projecting here...but as I broke free from my destructive cycles with my wife and began to grow, new temptations presented themselves to me.

I have always had to have boundaries with women....but since my wifes affair I have found new temptations to tempt me. No longer was it "just" the physical, outward appearence that tempted my eyes.....it was the "percieved" internal beauty too.

I put "percieved" in quotes because I lived, had sex with, endured life with my wife....thought I saw inside her too.

But the fact is now when I see a woman who
--holds her husbands hand.
--nurses her baby.
--volunteers at church.
--packs her husbands lunch.
--praises her husband in public.
--shows geniunenness and authenticity.
--mows her grass.
--hangs out clothes.


I long for that.

I've always been attracted to the natural girl type....but that definition is "filling out". Young, old, rounded, thin, short hair, long hair...all attractive. But now I so desire REAL connection...not just physical connection.

I pray my wife finds the courage to be that woman for me. I pray I continue to find the courage to be that man for her.

Our CoD and Counter D cycle very much had BOTH of us on the surface, fantasy level of relationships...her A was just the false intimacy that killed an already suffering M.


I have faith my M will satisfy this need within me...to bond and connect with a woman.

All of that, Olwen, to caution you.....there are men right close to you that could look like they will fill that gap for you. I don't see you tempted with RA like I was, but just keep your guard up. A kind touch, a gentle smile from the opposite sex is a real threat to you right now.

2 years out here.....the immediate threat for me is passing...but boundaries will forever be a part of my life.


Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud is a GREAT book. It helps me break my CoD cycle as well as gives solid advice on how to "do relationships" in healthy ways.

You ARE changing! I see you getting in touch with strength from within. I know its painful to uncover it and let it grow, but it is sooooo worth it! Keep going, girl!


God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:45 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Blakesteel - that yay! meant a lot lol.

I was tempted by the idea of a RA for a very long time. As I am virtually housebound and had zero confidence I even considered a male escort. I am NOT proud of that fact. I just wanted H to have the hurt the knowledge of that physical betrayal brings.

I could never do it. I have actually had my chances, especially with someone quite close to me but as I have written before my plain old common decency had me nip it in the bud out in the open pronto. I don't care if that sounds conceited anymore. I am proud I handled that well and wasn't tempted despite the fact it did give me a little boost to be chatted up by a good looking young man. It was wrong, so I told him to stop it immediately.

A big part of my low self esteem comes from my first relationship, very abusive. He told me daily no one else would want me. At a young age that sinks in.

It's not that I would be tempted or interested in anyone else it's more a case of mentally telling myself I am good enough for anyone not just the one man who will put up with me. I wont think that way anymore. I am good enough for anyone. I just need to believe that. I wouldn't act on it. I just need to believe H isn't the only man that would ever want me.

I hope I'm making sense. I won't stay in a relationship out of fear that I am not good enough for anyone else to ever want me. I will stay in a relationship where I am valued, not out of fear.

H says he sees my value since the affair and he took me for granted before. So I do need to make changes and make sure I am not taken for granted again. That starts with believing in myself.

I am pretty much the sort of woman you listed. I am a homemaker, my family are my world. I am the one baking bread, hanging out the laundry, making my boys their packed lunches with little love notes in, doing homework projects with my boy. Running their baths. That's who I am and that's valuable. Even if I don't have a job, am not a model or outgoing. I am still worthy.

I am seeing myself in a very different way.

I am seeing the A wasn't my fault.

I am seeing I have no need to be jealous.

I am seeing I have no need to feel less than her.

I am seeing I can be me, faults and illnesses and all, and still be good enough.

This feels so good, I hope I can keep it up and become this person I want to be. I want to believe in myself and not have my worth determined by any other persons view of me or by their actions and choices. Their actions and choices are theirs to own not mine to take responsibility for.

I have felt inferior and just wrong since I was 9 years old and it's been reinforced by people all my life.

No more. I want to be free from this and to do that the first step is to like myself even if loving myself is a long way off. If I like myself I can expect the respect and decent treatment every human deserves. I must stick with this.

I am finding my strength.

[This message edited by olwen at 11:35 AM, June 27th (Friday)]


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 598 | Registered: Jul 2013
seenow
♀ Member
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow olwen!!!!!!!! WOW!


ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 277 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you! I do have a little voice I am battling but I am getting there. Thinking this way is the opposite to how I was brought up bit I am challenging it instead of listening


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 598 | Registered: Jul 2013
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so happy to be reading this olwen!

You deserve happiness and you are the one who can get you there.


"I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall."

Posts: 626 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.