So what the hell do I have to be jealous about? Two sad people who didn't give a damn about each other? Two selfish people who would have done the same with ANYONE who was available and willing? Two people who didn't give a shit about each other
This is an important fact to own as your own...own it in your mind and your heart. Your CoD nature programmed you to think his A was all about you. His TT'ing and recent verbal abuse confuses you more. A waywards mind must, out of necessity, create facts that simply aren't there in order for them to chose adultery. Unless a person is a psycopath....the mind must lie to itself to choose adultery. Right now your mind is getting these facts....the heart takes a bit longer. Your heart was hurt long ago and never healed...it is more timid to feel and heal the pain of your husbands affair, which wounded your heart too. But you ARE getting it. Its a process...you will slide around a bit on these facts, but you will come to own them as the truth they are.
Sin is sin. Adultery, like all other sin, is a selfish act meant to get from....not to give to.
I also realised that out there somewhere is man who would think I am the best thing since sliced bread, who would find me sexy as hell, warts and all because I am genuine, caring, loving, soft and cuddly, giving and at the end of the day, just as attractive as most people. I am not a monster and even of I was there is always someone who will value you for what's inside. I realised I believe that if he doesn't want me someone out there would see me as a prize!
Yes. This is correct too. CAUTION: I am projecting here...but as I broke free from my destructive cycles with my wife and began to grow, new temptations presented themselves to me.
I have always had to have boundaries with women....but since my wifes affair I have found new temptations to tempt me. No longer was it "just" the physical, outward appearence that tempted my eyes.....it was the "percieved" internal beauty too.
I put "percieved" in quotes because I lived, had sex with, endured life with my wife....thought I saw inside her too.
But the fact is now when I see a woman who
--holds her husbands hand.
--nurses her baby.
--volunteers at church.
--packs her husbands lunch.
--praises her husband in public.
--shows geniunenness and authenticity.
--mows her grass.
--hangs out clothes.
I long for that.
I've always been attracted to the natural girl type....but that definition is "filling out". Young, old, rounded, thin, short hair, long hair...all attractive. But now I so desire REAL connection...not just physical connection.
I pray my wife finds the courage to be that woman for me. I pray I continue to find the courage to be that man for her.
Our CoD and Counter D cycle very much had BOTH of us on the surface, fantasy level of relationships...her A was just the false intimacy that killed an already suffering M.
I have faith my M will satisfy this need within me...to bond and connect with a woman.
All of that, Olwen, to caution you.....there are men right close to you that could look like they will fill that gap for you. I don't see you tempted with RA like I was, but just keep your guard up. A kind touch, a gentle smile from the opposite sex is a real threat to you right now.
2 years out here.....the immediate threat for me is passing...but boundaries will forever be a part of my life.
Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud is a GREAT book. It helps me break my CoD cycle as well as gives solid advice on how to "do relationships" in healthy ways.
You ARE changing! I see you getting in touch with strength from within. I know its painful to uncover it and let it grow, but it is sooooo worth it! Keep going, girl!
God is with us all.