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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Here is a good one....
Plinker77
♂ New Member
Member # 43901
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been divorced for a few years as result of my WS (Wife of 8 years). Got burned, but the marriage was not going well.....at all. So anyway, dated a few women (I am 37). I recently have been dating a great lady, we have fun, its all great, kids know each other, make it easy. Here is the kicker-she openly admits on first date that she is divorced as result of HER being the WS. Like a punch in the stomach, ouch!. So openly explains how it came to be-lonely, terrible marriage, roommates not spouses and so on.......I am asking for some advice? I just rolled with it being that she totally shows remorse and it really eats at her. Do I run? I mean, I am not perfect.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2014
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may not be perfect, but you are not a cheater who is making excuses. Did she, at any point, say, "I was an arsehole, and I would never do it again"?

If she told you this on the first date, it means that she thinks she has nothing to be ashamed of - and that it was all justified.

Dude, I would run. Run like the fucking wind.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jan 2013
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have to go with your gut on this one.... it sounds like she was making excuses even to you and justifying WHY she did what she did like, "Well, its okay because I was lonely....we were just like roommates anyways...blah blah blah" which sounds like rug sweeping more than remorse. I would be worried that if you got to a more comfortable place and your relationship continued over time that she may get the same boredom of the "every day life" and start straying again. I don't know if I could go there knowing that they were a WS. But, my WXH had ZERO REMORSE and justified his behavior and blame shifted the A on me making it my fault. So, that being said......it would have to be a personal choice that you would need to make for you.

Follow your heart.....but listen to your gut....it never lies! Mine has always kept me in truth's path. Good Luck!

But, IMHO....I agree with Pass.... if she is opening telling you these things on a 1st date.....she is not ashamed of it... and it would cause great pause for me. I would probably run for the hills.....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:55 PM, June 27th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2722 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
soulsearcher4
♂ Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What makes it bother you now more than then or leading up to now?

There are plenty of reconciled couples here. Just because she is a former wayward doesn't discount her as a person.

Granted, the title "former" is earned. With lots of work.

The best course of action? Talk to her. You don't say how long you've been dating but it seems like a long time with all the milestones you reference.

Just talk. We can answer this for you, but this really has to come from you. You have to read her and make sure she satisfies you in her progress.


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 171 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
Plinker77
♂ New Member
Member # 43901
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, here is a lil more info. Been dating about two months. Bothers me more now than then b/c I like her. I figured we would just hang out and whatever in the beginning but it led to more, mostly due to the fun we have together. She didn't bring it up on the first date, I specifically ask and she was honest and told me. I hammered her and she cried and said that she doesn't feel worthy of normal and is afraid no one will ever give her a chance. She never justified any of it, just helped me understand how it happened.

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2014
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it trigger you at all? Does it make you trust her less already?


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Plinker77
♂ New Member
Member # 43901
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it does. Unfortunately

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2014
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So openly explains how it came to be-lonely, terrible marriage, roommates not spouses and so on.

Those are all wah wah wah wah wah oh woe is me excuses and make me want to hurl. Those aren't the excuses of someone who wouldn't do it again OR has any insight into why they did it in the first place. And then the crocodile tears of no one will think she's worthy. Poor baby.

Well *is* she worthy? Did she admit those excuses were a cop out and she cheated because she had no boundaries and was selfish? And has she explained what she's done since to learn boundaries and not take the easy way out?

Ugh.

Your little brain over-powered your big one and you kept seeing her after this revelation and now it's a problem.

From what you've described, and the fact that you're uncomfortable enough to ask about it, it sounds like it's time to end this.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3104 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Plinker77
♂ New Member
Member # 43901
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc, you are right on the money......and no, she hasn't really spoke anymore about it. She will if I bring it up, but doesn't bring the topic up herself. It's kind of hard to just turn someone away that has been nothing but nice though. On the other hand, it's eating me alive....

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2014
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So openly explains how it came to be-lonely, terrible marriage, roommates not spouses and so on.....

Interesting. It sounds like it was mostly her xH s fault! :)


I can't say it any better than Pass said it.


Dude, I would run. Run like the fucking wind.



Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 950 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the other hand, it's eating me alive....

Does anything other than this really matter? Your gut is telling you to run, and you're looking for someone else to give you a reason not to.

If there's one thing I've learned since DDay - from my own experience AND from reading on this site - trust your gut, dude.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1984 | Registered: Jan 2013
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've tried to date a WS, but I couldn't do it. He WAS remorseful and told me on the first date too...but I just couldn't do it. I knew he was capable of cheating.

What I told him was that he deserved to be with someone that was OK with his past, and I wasn't.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
brokeninfl
♀ Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't say it better than the others - but I'm totally in agreement.

I *think* I could date a FWS who really *got* it -- it might actually make me feel safer.

But, I think your setting yourself up - because her explanations don't sound like a WS who really gets it. She's sorry, but she hasn't worked on her issues - or it wouldn't all be issues on the outside that "caused" the cheating.

Good luck - and i'm sorry you are in this position.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
ManBearDivorce
♂ Member
Member # 36258
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she cheated once doesn't mean she would cheat again. There are people out there that can attest to that.

But then again if it still triggers you then I don't think you should settle for someone that will always trigger you. Move on and explain it to her. If she is remorseful then she would understand why.


Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: St.Paul Minnesota
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think once a WS always one. We have WSs on our forum here and they have changed. It's possible a WS is less likely to cheat again if they have learned out to speak up in a relationship and how to get out first if it can't be saved.

It sounds like this is really triggering you. Are you in IC? It would be a great time to work through residual trauma so you don't project your X onto this woman.

If she found herself in a loveless relationship or marriage, what would she do differently?

It sounds to me like she is ashamed. That's good to a point if it motivates her to better honest and communication skills in the future.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
notmeanymore
♀ Member
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a single FWS.

I say you should not date her. Not because I believe her to be incapable of being in a healthy committed relationship, but because you are not capable of really giving her a chance. Which I am in no way judging you for. I can't say that I'd be all gun-ho to date another WS myself either. But you really seem to be struggling with it, and it's not fair if you're keeping this all buried and eventually it comes spilling out.

In my experience there are people out there who are willing to give her a chance. You just may not be one of them, and there is nothing wrong with that.


"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 870 | Registered: Feb 2006
Plinker77
♂ New Member
Member # 43901
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks a lot folks. I will think about it, talk to her and give an update. Again, thanks

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2014
strawblond30
♀ Member
Member # 6263
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I cheated for revenge but I dont consider myself a cheater . That's touchy subject cus I would hate to be judged the way I would judge a cheater like my EX H . Go with your gutt .


Me 39, EX H 40 married 17 years infidelity on both parts . He a serial cheater. I cheated for revenge and ran home to brag. Or make Him mad. He confessed to more affairs after that. We are now divorced living apart . 3 children

Posts: 953 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: illinois
Plinker77
♂ New Member
Member # 43901
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, in an hour we meet and I am going to explain the best way that I know how that I can't do this anymore. Thanks for everyones input!

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2014
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bro - go in with your ears and mind wide open.

Do not forget these are your words:

I recently have been dating a great lady, we have fun, its all great, kids know each other, make it easy


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 3:15 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9179 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Topic Posts: 23
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