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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Questions for everyone
funnyguy
♂ Member
Member # 43192
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me start off with saying this is the best site and it makes me feel safe. I just want to give an update to where I am at and I have a few qestions for everyone. so we are still in the same house , it is awkward pretty much eeryday. My DDay was November 2013. our sex life is pretty much down to zero , the last time we did it I couldn't preform halway through it becasue of the visuals,i got the trickle truth so I found out more details just 2 weeks ago. She says she has a really hard time with the sex also becasue she feels discusted in herself.I am at the point now that since I know the whole truth , well most of it anyway. I can barley even look at her. I went to IC for 3 months then took a break and I'm going back becasue since I found out the full truth about the sex part I am having a very bad time getting over this , the dreams and visions are so bad. I did a Self test online of PTSD and it seems I am a high case for it ???

Question 1 = Is it normal to have these feeling of total discuss, and do they pass?

Question 2 = Is it normal to ahve the sex life pretty much dwindle away. we don't even hug or kiss goodbye. nothing at all

Questions 3 = Its seems like she is kinda waiting to get her feelings fully back for me , is this normal.

Questions 4 = I miss the touch , the smell of a women so bad, do I tell my wife that? the longer we go with out effection I crave it even more. ??

Question 5 = I have anxiety and Panic attacks when I'm around her , as soon as I see her or get home I get them.?


Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario Canada
OverIt27
♀ New Member
Member # 43902
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you that my Dday was around the same time as yours, (Sept 2013), and unfortunately,I csn relate to everything you said.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also "couldn't perform". Not so much because of the "mind movies", although I had them. My issue was that she told me how the OMs anatomy was larger, he had a better physique, and he was better in bed.

The total disgust has not passed away. Even 27 years later, that's exactly what I feel when I think about her.

The sex life didn't "dwindle", it just abruptly stopped one day. I regained my "performance" a couple of times, and the day following, she made a comment about "you finally acted decent" or something to that effect.

It was like I heard an audible "snap" in my mind, and I remember saying to myself "well, I sure hope you enjoyed it, because that's the last time you will ever get it". And, it was. I had no desire at all for her. If she was the last woman on earth, I would seek the priesthood or something.

As for her feelings for me, she admitted a couple years down the TT path that she had only married me because I was willing to raise her quadriplegic son as my own. So, there were no "feelings" to come back.

My anxiety attacks subsided over a few months.

I missed the smell, touch, etc of a woman, but not her. She made me want to throw up.


Posts: 521 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been in false R because your wife has been TT'ing you for 7 months. Of course you feel this disgust and anger. Every new bit of information that she withholds and finally comes clean about is like another slap in the face after she has already promised over and over that she will stop hitting you. TT will make it much harder to trust her. I hope she is aware of that.

Your wife has been selfish at your expense. If she wants to R she is going to have to move past the defensive and self-pity stage she's stuck in and start making amends and do what you need her to do to overcome the disgust and into a more affectionate relationship. You cannot push her to do that unfortunately, which is so frustrating. She has to come to it on her own.

I'm glad that you are going back to IC. Concentrate on strengthening yourself--you're the only one you have control over. I think one of the most essential lessons that a BS should learn is that we will be fine no matter the outcome of our M. We don't need our WS to be happy and fulfilled long term. Yes it would hurt terribly to lose them, our lives will be forever changed, we would mourn, but that doesn't mean we cannot move on and even thrive.

I'm not advocating D at all, I'm just saying that getting ourselves to that mindset is incredibly empowering and can help us make healthier choices for ourselves.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jan 2014
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Question 1 = Is it normal to have these feeling of total discuss, and do they pass?
two years out and I do have these feelings toward my FWH from time to time. Seeing that you have been getting TT and you don't feel confident that you have the whole truth, it makes sense that you are turned off.

Question 2 = Is it normal to ahve the sex life pretty much dwindle away. we don't even hug or kiss goodbye. nothing at all we had HB at first and the it went to nothing. Now we are back to a regular amount f sex. I was at a point where I avoided having sex because I was tired of pushing out mind movies or feeling sad afterward.

Questions 3 = Its seems like she is kinda waiting to get her feelings fully back for me , is this normal. not sure if it's the same for your ws, but mine says he is afraid to be affectionate sometimes because I give off a vibe of hate and disgust. I told him I'm afraid to put myself out there and need him to prove his love toward me since his past actions displayed the opposite of love.

Questions 4 = I miss the touch , the smell of a women so bad, do I tell my wife that? the longer we go with out effection I crave it even more. ?? this is where communication is so important. You need to tell her what you want and need. You can't just wait around and hope she reads your mind.

Question 5 = I have anxiety and Panic attacks when I'm around her , as soon as I see her or get home I get them.?again you don't feel safe because you don't have the whole honest truth. You can't move on until you feel you have all of the info. You ado should be working on yourself and finding out what you need to heal. Ic is a great start if you find a good fit.

This is such a long and grueling process but it sounds like commication is lacking and maybe mc would be good for you two.


Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 5

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