Topic: Save Your Proof!
Member # 31386
| Posted: 3:34 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014|
Just a quick shout out to the newbies around here. Please make sure you have copies of any proof you have found.
XWS was into prostitutes online. I am so grateful today that I saved screenshots as much as possible, as the site he so often visited (myredbook.com)was seized by the FBI a couple of days ago, and the site is no longer online.
I could write a novel about how I feel about this site and its closure, but think it is more productive to just remind folks to save the evidence they find.
I know this may seem anal as you struggle just to breathe and eat and sleep, but please trust me...it is worth your effort!
"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
Posts: 727 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Member # 42091
| Posted: 3:39 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014|
I got rid of my proof...I couldn't bare to see OWs pictures and letters.
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating
Posts: 179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
Member # 18179
| Posted: 5:27 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014|
I found it beneficial to keep my proof. My mind was fried early in, and over time, details would percolate up. It was good to have something to refer to. It also kept me from sliding into the proverbial river of denial.
That said, I sure didn't keep it anywhere I'd casually encounter it. It was stowed where I had to very actively be seeking it out.
On a different note, I'm also glad I didn't destroy things like photos, my wedding dress, etc. I'm still cool with burning the couch though.
You can't fill a cup with no bottom.
Posts: 3870 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Member # 4504
| Posted: 5:55 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014|
In states where divorce is "no fault", there is no reason to keep the proof - or even to collect it.
The court won't consider who was to blame when making support and custody arrangements - unless the behavior was so egregious as to blatantly endanger the children.
But that's California - different rules in different states/countries.
The "no fault" rule feels incredibly unfair - but it does acknowledge that courts are a poor place to analyze marriages - they just try to find what is best for the children.
It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better
Posts: 2468 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
Member # 25376
| Posted: 7:46 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014|
Even in no fault states it's good to keep proof because so often the Wayward denies, gaslights, and says something else happened. It's so easy for the betrayed person to become confused and doubt what they saw. Memory is tricky sometimes.
Posts: 298 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
Member # 40032
| Posted: 8:10 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014|
In my case the proof involves unsolicited emails texts and pics from OW to me. If the skank contacts me again or shows up in person again I can have her investigated for stalking and get RO for me and my family.
I would save evidence in no fault states in case custody issues arise or stds are discovered. Its just collateral in case you have legal rights to sue for damages and wish to go that route.
[This message edited by whattheh at 8:12 PM, June 27th (Friday)]
BW- mid 50's (me)
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...
Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 43773
| Posted: 12:03 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014|
In no fault states, I think it's important to assess what you may/may not want or need to use during a custody battle. The affair itself isn't going to factor into a custody dispute - but details might. I.e. hiring a prostitute may not be a parent with the best interests of the child in mind.
In my case, OW#1's BH found out, physically stalked my husband, and verbally threatened to "fuck up" me and my children. We had two suspicious incidents happen at our house in the months during these threats. My husband neither told me about the threat nor came home at night. He continued to stay out all night and even picked up OW#2 despite this threat to us. Knowing my husband before the affair - and watching the reality of the threats dawn on him afterwards - I believe he genuinely thought the guy wasn't serious at the time of his fantasyland-unicorn-rainbow-sex.
THAT I could really use against him in a custody battle if it turned ugly. And we are keeping the BH's voicemails and dates of him physically stalking my husband for a RO if the man ever shows up or calls again.
I'm not a vindictive person though, and now that his mind isn't all deluded foggy unicorn sex F*d up, I do not think he would for a second physically endanger his kids (or me). This is going to be one of the hardest parts for us to work through and figure out, as I don't think he himself will ever get over endangering them now that he's been shaken into reality.
The rest of the proof of the affair, I don't have much use for. The gifts from her to him were destroyed (he destroyed two as soon as she gave them to him) and one I donated to a charity. The emails I burned, there wasn't any detailed stuff in them- most of that was done via texts which have long since been destroyed. Our phone logs are default saved, though I do want to print those out and burn them when I feel up to it.
So I do think that some evidences should be saved, particularly if they show a character issue (aside from the affair, which is obviously a big character issue) that would be important to bring up in a custody dispute.
....well that turned into a long ramble.
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley
Posts: 499 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Member # 37165
| Posted: 8:45 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014|
I came across my "file" recently while packing our house for a move. At first i thought about rereading it, but I am at a point now where I gave my hard copy file to my FWH to destroy. I decided i did not need to reread that dribble again. Nor did I want it contaminating our new home either. We are in a very different place now. We are 3 years out and doing well. However, my BFF in another state (who knows all about everything) has a password protected digital copy should I ever need it. I am the ONLY one who knows the password, so it is safe and secure.
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama
Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 43656
| Posted: 9:01 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014|
Here is something funny. I threw out all my phone logs of his conversations with OW and my WH took them out of the trash in secret and put them in his briefcase. What do you think about that? I am clueless about what that means...
Posts: 92 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Maryland
Member # 43520
| Posted: 9:25 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014|
@Shifting above: have you asked him why he did that? That is weird. Maybe he doesn't want to forget?
Dday: 4th of January, 2014
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
Whatever doesn't kill you...doesn't kill you.
Posts: 167 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 32948
| Posted: 2:25 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014|
I am almost 2 years past divorce and I still have all my evidence in several places. While we do not have children together we do have a grandchild that we raised together and I will not hesitate to use the evidence should he ever try to get visitation with her. I also keep it as a reminder that what he did WAS just that horrific that I should never give him another chance.
He continues to stalk me online so I also keep my evidence should I need to get an RO. He admitted to threatening to hit me and threatening to kill me so I need the protection. I will never read it again or view those horrible pictures unless he forces my hand.
I think putting it on a flash drive and storing it someplace out of their reach is a very good idea as you never know when it might be necessary to "prove" what really happened.
DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....
Posts: 1207 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
|Topic Posts: 11|