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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Struggling with OM
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Yaka, I slept with him."

Its been almost two years since WW changed our lives forever with those five seemingly innocuous words. We are doing well. At least i think we are. Yet i still struggle with thoughts of OM and OBS. I often wonder how they are weathering the storm.

I approached OM right after DD in hopes of getting some sort of confirmation to what WW had told me. But all he gave me was denial. "Just friends" ec etc. I emailed all my "research and evidence" to OBW but got no response. I went to their house but she wanted no part in what i had to say. She literally slammed the door in my face. As if I was the bad guy.

I guess Im just looking for validation that this SOB isnt living scott free. It's so frustrating. I know it's not productive. I know it does nothing but hinder my healing. But christ it's hard.

Am I the only one who struggles with this?


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, June 27th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess Im just looking for validation that this SOB isnt living scott free. It's so frustrating. I know it's not productive. I know it does nothing but hinder my healing. But christ it's hard.

I understand this completely. I'm so sorry this weighs so heavily on you.

We never told OW's BBF. WH still works with her and I felt like it would be inviting more crazy. Plus I think OW started with BBF while she was with xF so technically he is an AP too.

It hurts knowing that she has no real consequences. At some point I have to let that go.

I wish you peace.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
3yrwait
♂ Member
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You told the truth; you did the right thing and tried to help her out.

OM knows what he is and has to live knowing you are the better man. He has to either admit being a schmuck or live a constant lie. He isn't living Scott free.


Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. . talk about someone who can't man up -- that is unreal. I am sorry, Yaka.

But, if it makes you feel better, none of us really feel like we get closure. Maybe one in a thousand of us get a real, heartfelt apology. The AP was my friend, and I got an apology (that I asked for,) but it was shallow and showed no real remorse. So, just because someone acknowledges something, doesn't necessarily make it feel better.

I also struggle with the idea that they are doing just fine while we suffer, but I talked to the OBS a while back briefly, and I get the sense he thinks the same thing of us. . . that because we look ok on the outside, that we aren't hurting. You know the OM is hurting, because only hurt people have affairs. Even more hurt people can't admit to them. I actually feel pretty strongly now that the AP and OBS are not doing well, that they are sad, lonely people with drinking problems. That makes me feel pretty bad.

I know you know this, but try to focus on you and your marriage. He doesn't deserve any more of your headspace.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2004 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this too. The other woman in my case was a friend from my past who lives in our town. She knew that my husband was married to me and had a family, however she remained in contact with his mother over the years and continued to contact him and show up at the places that we frequent. She owns a business here and I have remained silent even though she continued after DDay to push my husband to leave, sighting that she is his true love and he should push through the fear because she is where he belongs. I see her almost everyday. She goes to the beach, goes out with friends at night, continues to have a business that sustains her. NO consequences at all. However, through the devastation, my husband and I have growth, both self, and within the marriage, and we are communicating on a level that never happened in 20 years. We are connected in a way that my husband was unable to achieve prior to the affair and all of his hard work. So, while she remains unaffected, the changes that we are seeing in our own lives are major achievements so on my worst days, that is what I TRY to focus on.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 604 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
BrokenheartedUK
♀ Member
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yaka, I am tortured by this also. My FWH's AP lives about three hours away from us and is vaguely related professionally. He said that he "picked" her because we wouldn't have any overlap but the downside for me is that I don't know what is going on on that end.

She broke NC twice right after DDay once telling my husband that her husband had found the NC email in her trash file and she had to confess. Ha! I also tracked down the OBS and emailed him hoping to meet so we could trade details but I never heard anything back from him so who the hell knows.

It's killing me. I do know people who live near her who could find out for me but then I have to tell them why and I can't face that either. So for now..I just google stalk as much as possible. Ugh.


Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
"You didn't see me I was falling apart, I was a television version of a person with a broken heart." The National

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2014
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya. I hear that. They are only 20 miles away or so. But OM works in same town i do. it's worse when i see on Facebook the mutual friends of friend. Hell, even my oldest daughter has linked friends with them.

Grrr. I like to think that after all this time my intelectual side would win over my emotions.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OBS was pissed we came over to their house so my husband could confess, pissed I told her employer, pissed I called her family. He actually said he was more pissed at me than my husband.
Well then, you can live in denial about the person your wife is. I'd rather be me.

[This message edited by rachelc at 1:42 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, Yak,
I like to think that after all this time my intelectual side would win over my emotions

It did. The proper emotional response to what occurred? Well, he's still alive, not?

Let him go. I Know, not easy. He's really not worth the effort though.

Focus on yourself and Mrs Yak.

Strength brother.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2872 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It did. The proper emotional response to what occurred? Well, he's still alive, not?

Now that is a good point.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think about OW and BS quite often. I did not contact BS. I know he knew something was going on because OW was here within a half an hour of me finding out. Now that I think of it, the nerve of her, coming to me to tell her side of the story. Anyway I never talked to her husband. She had cheated before and he swept it under the rug so I knew he would do the same thing with this. I did run into the two of them at the grocery store, we live in the same town, and he just gave me the evil eye.
I personally don't think this had much, if any impact on their marriage. I think she told him they kissed, she was sorry and he'd better get over it.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1448 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Topic Posts: 11

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