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User Topic: So my H is out playing golf w a "woman" friend
realitybites
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So to be clear, he played the company friendly employee tournament on Thursday, I did not check to see if he took his clubs out of his car after that, you see this does not occur to me. Why would you leave clubs in your car unless you are going to play golf again right? So he knew he was going to play golf.

My gut is telling me something is off. And I know for sure he lied by ommision by not telling me point blank in the morning before he left. So by telling me that it was quiet at work so he took the afternoon off randomly, again out of the blue, it would obviously mean he clocked himself out and took the rest of the day off with no pay.

I tried to call him at 12:30 today because it would have been his lunch time and he did not pick up. When he called me back after 1:00 he had me on speaker phone doing this "joking laughing" kind of thing with I guess her in the background and said "hey S****** is here with me and we decided to go play 9 holes this afternoon" and then I sorta heard her or someone say hi in the background....I thought that was weird, like it was set up to put me on speaker phone so I would not say anything about why or what he was doing.

I honestly would never suspect this woman, we have both known her for 4 years and I was the one to really get friendly with her first but of course I do not work with them during the day.

Except my radar feels weird about this. As I said she and I go to a football game once a year and a couple of baseball games, both being things my H always said he was good with....except now that I am remembering something he once asked me if HE could go with this woman to a game instead of me and would I be OK with it? And at the time I laughed it off as being silly. That was last year.

Gosh that was something I just remembered. And now that I just remembered that I can also remember thinking it was weird that he asked me at that time to go to a game with another woman? Even if it was just this woman I still at the time thought it was just not something you ask your wife if it is OK to do?

There is something just not feeling right with this whole thing.



Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
realitybites
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I am now venting on my own thread here but it just came to me that I guess I have to drop this friend now huh?!

It just ocurred to me that she too thought it was OK to just run off and play golf with a married guy.

This just burns me as well. Of all the people in the world he had to go and screw something up with someone "I" was friends with. It was one of the few things I took great joy in doing was finding someone I could go to a game or 2 with, yes I am a girl who likes watching a football game or a baseball game....now I guess that got ruined.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
downnout2014
♂ New Member
Member # 43860
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reallity,
As i have learned ober the last two years, if your gut instnct is going crazy, chances are something is not right. If I were you I would get as much info as possible and really start to listen to the explanations because he will soon contradict himself. Start checking the cell (if it recently becomes locked...something is up). Just really start to pay attention...

I am going thru a second DDay with my Wife as of last week. It's not fun, but I've come to terms if she is no longer in my life. This time around, she will have to fight for our marriage.

Stay strong, and don't be afraid...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2014
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And he told me that he thought it was OK since we are all friends.
Yeah, me and XWH and OW were all friends too.

Also, even though OW was XWH's co-worker, she had befriended me. Once, she needed a bowling partner and asked me to go. I went and bowled with the fucking OW, and the affair was going on at that time. OW even took a pic of me and her holding up our bowling balls with the thumbs up sign and we sent it to my then H. I had no idea.

It was almost like the 2 of them got some sort of high off of me being friends with her.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 10:21 AM, June 29th (Sunday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be debbie downer but are you SURE it was this lady that he went golfing with and that you heard on the phone? Not to put a negative light on your wh but it screams too convinent to me. Could you call her and ask about how the golfing was to see if she was the person your husband was with?


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
LostAngry
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Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The entire situation stinks to high heaven. You should put a VAR in his car and go stealth to watch every move he makes.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 133 | Registered: Sep 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you hire a PI? If not, I called enterprise rent a car - they pick you up. So, I parked at walmart and they picked me up there. Went back and got the rental car and left my car at walmart. I followed my friend - the OW around town.. Nothing. Then, I would leave my rental at walmart and go home in my car. I did this for like a week.

It sorta drove me crazy and got me all focused on them, not my own life. Finally a friend recommended a PI - for her the PI put a tracker on each vehicle for short periods of time until they were at the same place, then he went out and got pix.

This is all for your protection, information, etc.

I think some guys get a "high" by being in close proximity alone with a woman. It is a slippery slope. Get some facts from a PI to see how far they are on the slippery slope....

Act like you believe him for now until you have more info...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2217 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you hire a PI? If not, I called enterprise rent a car - they pick you up. So, I parked at walmart and they picked me up there. Went back and got the rental car and left my car at walmart. I followed my friend - the OW around town.. Nothing. Then, I would leave my rental at walmart and go home in my car. I did this for like a week.

It sorta drove me crazy and got me all focused on them, not my own life. Finally a friend recommended a PI - for her the PI put a tracker on each vehicle for short periods of time until they were at the same place, then he went out and got pix.

This is all for your protection, information, etc.

I think some guys get a "high" by being in close proximity alone with a woman. It is a slippery slope. Get some facts from a PI to see how far they are on the slippery slope....

Act like you believe him for now until you have more info...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2217 | Registered: Jan 2012
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you hire a PI? If not, I called enterprise rent a car - they pick you up. So, I parked at walmart and they picked me up there. Went back and got the rental car and left my car at walmart. I followed my friend - the OW around town.. Nothing. Then, I would leave my rental at walmart and go home in my car. I did this for like a week.

It sorta drove me crazy and got me all focused on them, not my own life. Finally a friend recommended a PI - for her the PI put a tracker on each vehicle for short periods of time until they were at the same place, then he went out and got pix.

This is all for your protection, information, etc.

I think some guys get a "high" by being in close proximity alone with a woman. It is a slippery slope. Get some facts from a PI to see how far they are on the slippery slope....

Act like you believe him for now until you have more info...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2217 | Registered: Jan 2012
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....I thought that was weird, like it was set up to put me on speaker phone so I would not say anything about why or what he was doing.

I'm sorry, but if he's doing this AFTER the conversations you've had with him, the problem isn't the other women at work.
The problem is your WH. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing - and it isn't anything good for your M.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6541 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be concerned about a bait and switch too, like he says he's with 60yo, but really he's with some other woman.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say this, but it wouldn't be the first time that a supposed friend of a BS, introduced the other person to a WS, thinking of playing the match maker.

With the thought that their friend has so much more in commom with the WS.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He knows how you feel now, see if its an isolated case. If he has any more blips on the radar, he could be up to something. I would play it by ear. Hopefully this was a hiccup that got ironed out.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5142 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
hopefulmother
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Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you guys are focusing too much that this other woman is 60. So what? Age doesn't matter. There are plenty of WS on here that had A's with older woman. Attention is attention. Especially if they share sports in common. I would call the woman out. Tell her point blank, "Hubby had an A and I am not comfortable with him being alone with any other woman." See what she says to that. Regardless if they are having PA, it is still an emotional affair if he is using her to fulfill an emotional void for him. I.E. running off and having/sharing/fun playtime.

I then asked him if it would be OK if I went and played golf 2 within 3 days with one of our guy friends if he would be OK with this? He right away said "yes I would be OK" and I right away said no you would not, why are you even saying that?

sorry, but that quote is classic WS bullshit. Deflecting the behavior.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
MissMouseMo
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Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He set up the lie and executed it precisely. Then he set you up so you wouldn't bust his chops in front of this woman (and others?), then he got mad when you busted him when he got home?

For real?

Um...no.


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2013
realitybites
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could you call her and ask about how the golfing was to see if she was the person your husband was with?

I have thought about this but have not done it yet. Burns me up that I even have to think about doing anything like this.

He set up the lie and executed it precisely. Then he set you up so you wouldn't bust his chops in front of this woman (and others?), then he got mad when you busted him when he got home?

The above is really how I feel, although to be quite clear once I confronted him after he got home he did apologize, he then cried after he kept apologizing.....I then took a slight break to try and calm down from the first conversation, came back and asked him some more questions and that is when he started to get defensive and spout all the "WS verbage" we all seem to hear. Same stuff, just different versions of it. I think I was in shock that after all this time he was saying the same stuff I will hear other BS's say their WS says.....I think I have been in shock the last couple of days.

I don't know if I have a WS who is actively cheating, although I won't close my brain to the idea it could be happening....but what I have is someone who is actively doing things that are not OK. Being selfish again, lying by omission so that he can go and play golf.

Some have said on here could he have used this person's name as a ruse? Maybe, who knows although I do think it was her in the background when he had me on speaker phone. And THAT burns me up as well. I agree that he knew what he was doing and he set it up that way. But why? Thats what I need to get to the bottom of....I don't think it is this woman, although I could be totally wrong but my gut says no....but I do think this is all about something else.

I have access to all of our accounts, he leaves his phone out for me to see, he leaves his laptop at home and I have his email and facebook access passwords and can log on anytime. The ONLY thing I did see, and remember she works with him, is I looked at our Verizon online statement, and on the day before "golf" they texted back and forth 6 times. Which tells me he knew he was going to play golf and lied to me. But when I go back further in the previous months I see no pattern of contacting this person at all.

So there you go. Thats all I have right now.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
2oldforthis
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Member # 19825
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would check this out further before I would say anything to either of them. If you question with no evidence of course you are going to get lies.

You didn't find any phone records other than right before so they haven't had contact however, they do work together so at this point they could be chatting it up at lunch etc.

To many single women want a man and will do anything to get one. Doesn't matter now a days if the man is married or your best friend's husband. Boundaries will be crossed to get what they want. Not saying this is the case with your friend just saying you have to keep that in mind. Read to many stories right here on SI about the neighbor, the friend, the co-worker.

The biggest thing that you said that struck me was he was defensive. Nothing worse the being defensive, it could prove to be he is up to something. My WS is a very defensive person I know now to watch out for that. Being defensive if not guilty also means they don't care to hear what you are saying. They are so busy defending themselves that they are not listening to the fact that this hurts you.


He did not see what he had in me, what I saw in him I did not have!

Love kills slowly.


Posts: 1647 | Registered: Jun 2008
realitybites
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Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he's genuinely this dumb & clueless about human behavior, how is he someone who can be trusted & reconciled with?

If I had a dollar bill for every crocodile tear that my bullshit artist ex shed in the name of fooling me, I'd be swimming in a pool full of diamonds & pearls

I know right? He acts like he had no clue that this would bother me. And the crying too, what is that all about????

And then when we talked further he was not only defensive he would say "your not letting me talk, your not listening to me!" Except I was listening to him and I could not believe the bullsh** crap coming out of his mouth, I think the shocked and sceptical look on my face maybe got him defensive huh? He actually screamed that at me one time during the conversation. I just remembered that one.

What a mess.

I think I would check this out further before I would say anything to either of them. If you question with no evidence of course you are going to get lies

I think this above is probably right and others have mentioned it as well.


Posts: 5679 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
yearsofpain25
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Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yikes realitybites. I agree with you and the others that he just is clearly not getting "it". Which makes me believe this...

And the crying too, what is that all about????

...is just another tactic he is using in hopes that you will have a pity party for him and lighten up on him. Just my opinion though.

I'm trusting your gut in that something just does not feel right with this whole thing.

Sounds like he has slid or regressed into some old patterns here?

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2206 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
bionicgal
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Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No golf dates with women. Or any other dates. It blows me away when a former wayward seems surprised this could be an issue.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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