SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes OK. I hear all of you. I am venting here. I hope everyone here can be my support.

Soooooooo......my H works with this woman. I became friends w her way before my H as we both love football and baseball, we immediately had something in common and she has connections to go to games, she asked me if I wanted to go and after the 1st time we went we got along so I have gone to a few games with her in the last few years. She only has 2 tickets so only her and I and it always has been very fun and she has said she will always call me first to see if I can go. She is older (like in her 60's), fun person BUT...she is single, let me just add that.

My H has worked with this woman for the last 4 years and I have never felt anything that I have to worry about...in fact my H will make fun of the fact that I found a "football/baseball" friend. We joke about it all the time in fact.

Now of course after your spouse has had an A you get very weird about anyone or anything. Triggers are always around the corner.

So having said all of this for some kind of background my H tells me the other day that he is going to play golf in the employee golf day, which is no problem, but he tells me he is playing w this gal and another gal and supposedly one other person from their department. That was Thursday. He has played before in the once a year employee golf day so not anything I was immediately worried about.

But today he now calls me to say he is playing golf this afternoon AGAIN out of the blue, I even asked him this morning what his schedule was today, which we both do everyday and he told me his regular schedule and said if it does not rain he will be home after 3:00. He then called me randomly after 1:00 today to say he was going to play golf w this person again this afternoon. Just with her. There was nothing going on at work this afternoon so they both decided to go and play 9 holes.

Now I want to say there was NO radar going off about this person before this....however this happening where he was "playing golf" 2 separate days within one weekend is weird. He RARELY plays golf.

So is this person, even though she is older she is single and he is married (I have a problem with this, can't he go and play golf with guys?) should this be something I should be worried about? ORRRRR....did he use this person knowing I know her well as a way to do something else? Should I wonder if he is REALLY playing golf?

Or was he just going out to play golf for the 2nd time in 3 days and just some how felt it was OK to randomly go play this afternoon without letting me know ahead of time?

Your thoughts?

I think you are right to have a problem with this. Age doesn't matter, intent does. Why is he telling you about this date last minute? Big. Red. Flag.

In my sitch, my FWS would tell me this stuff last minute too.... So last minute that I could never say anything

Talk to him about this when he returns home. He needs to respect boundaries.

I would have to do a drive by. My spidey senses would tingle, too, and they do sometimes go off from past scars and not from reality. But I don't like not knowing.

I would go and find out where they are playing golf. Just to double check. AGE doesn't matter. Him having fun with another woman twice in one week bothers you. Then IMHO it is affair behavior. Even if nothing sexual(older woman will be more experienced) is happening it is emotional fulfillment and YOU aren't the one he is doing it with.

Married men can't be friends with woman....period!

My H is to not have female friends now, period. Whether you feel like she's a problem or not I would not be happy about it at all, he would not have gone.

My H is a pretty avid golfer - 3 days a week minimum. Sometimes I play with him. If everything was "normal", i.e., he had never had an affair, I wouldn't have any concerns about him playing golf with a female alone or in a group because once upon a time, I gave him carte blanche to do what he wanted when he wanted. That was when he could be trusted. Now that he's had an affair (regardless of the fact it has been more than a decade since it started) this would be absolutely out of bounds and I would have a major problem with it. Strange enough, I DO trust him now but female friends of any kind are not allowed - period.

In your case, your H has:

1. Had an affair in the past - Strike one.

2. Sprung this on you last minute - Strike two.

3. The golf partner is a single woman - Strike three.

4. He already played this morning in a work sponsored event which should have been more than enough golf for a day - Strike four.

5. You were not asked (I assume) to attend the event if for nothing else than support or to drive the cart - Strike five.

You need to talk and you need to make your expectations clear and leave absolutely no room for ambiguity because just like children, some men, not all but some, will leap through any loophole they can find. Mine used to be this way until he realized that he was going to be a tired, lonely, and SINGLE old man if he didn't get his sh*t together.

So I just confronted him about this. He at first acted like "why are you mad?" stuff. Which of course is not OK.

I then asked him why he felt this was OK? And he told me that he thought it was OK since we are all friends.

I then asked him if it would be OK if I went and played golf 2 within 3 days with one of our guy friends if he would be OK with this? He right away said "yes I would be OK" and I right away said no you would not, why are you even saying that?

So I layed it out how I felt. I told him I just don't want to do this anymore, that I can tell him all the time how I feel and how things are in appropriate but unless he gets it then it makes me look pretty stupid for sitting around and doing this crap over and over.

He started then getting upset, he apologized, he said he "really" did not know it would bother me...the then apologized some more and then he started crying and walked away.

So it took me awhile to come back and write this...so do I have someone who once again "does not get it?" or do I have someone who does the "boo hoo" thing and I buy it every single time because obviously here I still am?

Was it just golf?

If he's on the "I can never do anything right" mindset then it's still all about him, which would be concerning,,,,

He's playing you. Yes, the tears were for show. He had an AFFAIR! He gets to have ZERO female friends. Ever. He's crossed a boundary, big time. What are the consequences?

He started then getting upset, he apologized, he said he "really" did not know it would bother me...the then apologized some more and then he started crying and walked away.

So it took me awhile to come back and write this...so do I have someone who once again "does not get it?" or do I have someone who does the "boo hoo" thing and I buy it every single time because obviously here I still am?

Oh puh-leeze! He is a grown-ass man. How did he manage to get this far in life and not know that behavior like this isn't right to begin with, but it's even worse once you've f-ing cheated on your wife? Has he been hit a few too many times in the head with a golf club? Not look up & get outta the way when people yell "Fore!"?

You're not this man's mommy. You shouldn't need to explain very basic stuff like this to him. And in fact, you don't need to. If he's genuinely this dumb & clueless about human behavior, how is he someone who can be trusted & reconciled with?

If I had a dollar bill for every crocodile tear that my bullshit artist ex shed in the name of fooling me, I'd be swimming in a pool full of diamonds & pearls.

If it gave you a bad gut feeling, please honor it. Nature give us that visceral wisdom for a reason.

Also, he shouldn't be recreating with other women, IMHO.

So I walked away for awhile and then came back and just asked him to be honest, meaning he "knew" he was playing golf today and just did not want to tell me.

He hemmed and he hawed and he said that he has talked to the golf pro and let him know when he has a Saturday free he might go play golf and it just so happened he had it free today and then this gal said lets go play and there you go.... and he said he was wrong and he said he now "knows" what I am saying and he said he was sorry again.

But wait though...and I am embarrassed to admit this here but just putting it out there as we ALL go thru this....he said...while saying he was sorry....that he wants to come home to me, that he doesn't "have" to come home early or let me know what he is doing if he was "hiding" something. And he doesn't go out and drink with the guys...I guess like he could, huh?!

Then I told him "don't do me any favors, if you want to not come home or go out and drink with the guys just let me know...just don't expect to come home after it. If you want to be free to go out and do those things then go ahead!

He then got upset and told me I was not hearing him the right way and thats not how he meant it and I just did not let him talk, etc.....

Bad day today. Not saying I was right in how I handled anything. But it is depressing and I have alot on my mind right now.

What are the conseqeunces? Right? I am a big one to ask this....feel so stupid...all over golf today.

Does he carry the golf clubs around with him or does he have to pack them when he plays? This could show predetermined thoughts/plans if he had to consciously pack them. Then that would blow the "out of the blue" excuse. Just a thought.

I hope he's being truthful and it was indeed above board, but inconsiderate. However, if you do, in fact, still have grounds for suspicion, I'd want to check whether he really was with the older friend. You mentioned that there was at least one other woman on the team. I think it possible that he was with her (or even with someone else he met at the tournament) and very possibly playing golf at this point, but that he used the older friend's name for his cover story, because he thought you'd see her as "safe". (Though, as you already know, it's a case of "trust no one".)

If you're still suspicious, I'd definitely try casually asking for more details about how the tournament went, and thereby for further details concerning the other members of his tournament team. And I'd monitor closely, to see what he said and how much he divulged.

Amber he already had the clubs because he played in an employee sponsored tournament earlier today. They finished the outing and decided to play another 9 holes. So I don't think we can say premeditation in this case.

[This message edited by Chicky at 8:08 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]

....feel so stupid...all over golf today.

Do not feel stupid. This is not about golf. This is about your wayward husband lying to you by omission and minimizing his actions. This is about him doing what he wanted to do, then telling you about it later and expecting you to be okay with it, even though he knew ahead of time it was not okay behavior.

Actions speak louder than words. His actions are saying that what he wants to do is more important than how you feel about it.

I think the employee tournament was on Thursday:

he tells me he is playing w this gal and another gal and supposedly one other person from their department. That was Thursday.

The real issue is he called and TOLD you he is playing golf. At this point he should be asking you if it's ok and if you say no he should have an "OK" response. But even better would be for him to not even ask and think "I'm lucky I even got to play on Thursday!" attitude.

I can so relate to this. My FWH is similar in that you give him an inch and he takes a mile. If I say one "yes" to golfing, left to his own accord, he'll decide that now means he can golf every day anytime he wants.

I can so relate to this post. It's the same for me. Like, I just want to scream "Why does the right thing to do *NOT* come naturally to you, dipshit!" So frustrating. Or maybe it's a message that it's time to move on because they're never going to stop being totally self-absorbed. IDK... hugs to you.

Also, is it true that it is the 60 year old lady and not someone else is what I would want to know. And he should of asked instead of changing his schedule.

Clearly not thinking and is getting too lax.

He had an AFFAIR! He gets to have ZERO female friends. Ever

^^^Same case in my situation.

WH had an affair. He can no longer have female friends. He has no issue with this consequence, it has been nine years.

As a matter of fact, he will not participate in any company outing where females are involved. I don't feel comfortable with it at all.

Do not feel stupid. This is not about golf. This is about your wayward husband lying to you by omission and minimizing his actions. This is about him doing what he wanted to do, then telling you about it later and expecting you to be okay with it, even though he knew ahead of time it was not okay behavior.

^^^Ditto to inconnu.

cliffside - maybe I misunderstood. I read it as saying he told her on Thursday about the tournament that he was playing in on Saturday. <shrug>

eta: Just re-read and you and amber are right cliffside so disregard....

[This message edited by Chicky at 9:34 PM, June 28th (Saturday)]