SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I asked, "You'd tell me if there was someone else, wouldn't you?" And she said, "There's somebody else." She's been seeing him for two years.

I'm stunned and sickened. We just celebrated our 30th anniversary and we have two grown sons. A year and a half ago I was incapacitated with heart failure lost my job in addition to losing stamina, focus, and zest for life, but her affair predates this. She says she's no longer sure she loves me and that she thinks she loves her new man.

I want to reconcile, but I told her she'd have to cut contact. She said she couldn't decide that yet. She did agree to go into IC, which I've been in for some time to deal with my bipolar disorder and the issues presented by my health.

All this happened four days ago, so I'm still raw. To make things worse and weird, we're about to embark on an extended trip to celebrate our 30th. She says it will give us a chance to talk things through. All I've wanted is to spend time with her, but she has been increasingly unavailable and busy the last two years, and now I know why.

I'm intensely angry at this betrayal, yet I still love her deeply. Is there any hope?

I'm SO sorry to hear you are going through this! Being cheated on is bad enough, but to have health issues on top of it is awful! Does she not remember she vowed to be by your side in sickness and in health, til' death do you part? In good times and in bad?!! I just get so angry when I read this stuff! WS have NO idea what they do to their spouse when they choose to betray us! And the AP's are NO better! O.K. so...rant over! I think MOST marriages CAN be saved IF both partners are willing to work on it and work hard! It's NOT easy at all, but I believe SO worth it! I don't really have any great advice for you, but praying it works out well for you! Blessings to you!

She says she's no longer sure she loves me and that she thinks she loves her new man

I got the same bullshit.

Look, be absolutely sure of one thing: Her adultery/infidelity has nothing to do with you or your marriage.

Adultery/infidelity is NOT the result of a marital failure. It is the result of a personal failure.

But a person who lies, deceives, and betrays eyes the spouse and the marriage as ideal excuses for acting like the emotionally broken piece of shit they are being.

It has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you could have done to "prevent" her doing this. She would have likely done it at some point or other.

Right now there are no consequences to what she is doing.

Give her some.

See an attorney and file for divorce right away. If you can cite adultery as cause then do so. Tell who you need and want to tell.

Then, make YOU the focus of your life. Do what you need to do for YOURSELF. Your life is NOT defined by a woman who obviously seeks her self-worth from others.

She says she's no longer sure she loves me and that she thinks she loves her new man

I got the same bullshit.

Look, be absolutely sure of one thing: Her adultery/infidelity has nothing to do with you or your marriage.

Adultery/infidelity is NOT the result of a marital failure. It is the result of a personal failure.

But a person who lies, deceives, and betrays eyes the spouse and the marriage as ideal excuses for acting like the emotionally broken piece of shit they are being.

It has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you could have done to "prevent" her doing this. She would have likely done it at some point or other.

Right now there are no consequences to what she is doing.

Give her some.

See an attorney and file for divorce right away. If you can cite adultery as cause then do so. Tell who you need and want to tell.

Then, make YOU the focus of your life. Do what you need to do for YOURSELF. Your life is NOT defined by a woman who obviously seeks her self-worth from others.

She's been seeing him for two years.

To make things worse and weird, we're about to embark on an extended trip to celebrate our 30th. She says it will give us a chance to talk things through.

Are you kidding me?! What planet is she on?! I seriously hope you refuse to go on this as it is clear she has no respect for you. Right now you do not have a marriage. Sounds harsh, but there it is. The only way to recover your marriage is to nuke the hell out of her fantasy, and if she has shown enough remorse, you can rebuild after.

You said you want to reconcile, do not focus on Reconciliation or Divorce right now. Your first goal is to destroy the affair. Unfortunately you cannot compete with her affair partner. With him life is exciting, with you life is boring. So how to you play it? You don't. You remove yourself from her little game, and start detaching from her.

If this was me in your shoes:

1. Get tested for STDs. Look after yourself.

2. See a lawyer and find out your options.

3. Implement 180. Detach from her.

4. Find out identity of her affair partner. Does he have a wife/girlfriend?

Although it may be illegal to kick her out of the house, i would pack up her stuff into boxes. If she says she's in love with him then she can go live with him now.

Cancel the trip

Reread nuance.

Then

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Implement this, see a lawyer and above all else, take care of you. Two years? Wow, heartless.

If she was unhappy, why not Divorce? Why not Marriage Counseling? Why not scream that she was unhappy to you? Nope, she chose to have sex with another guy. There's nothing *romantic* about it. She is an adulteress. Her choice, you had nothing to do with that. There were other options.

No trip. Let her go with him, you've got *better* things to do than spend your valuable time with her.

She wants the upper hand. Don't give it to her.

Strength Brother.

I'm intensely angry at this betrayal, yet I still love her deeply. Is there any hope?

There is always hope. But in reality, your chances of returning to a strong, healthy marriage is zero---if she is unwilling to end contact and recommit to your relationship.

Right now, your wife is merely a liar and a cheater. Although your story and your pain are unique to you, your wife's actions are seen every day around here. She is a classic wayward in the way that she cheated behind your back, is "unsure" if she loves you anymore, is unwilling to stop seeing the other man, but in the same sense, is just fine to leave things EXACTLY like they are...with you being the part of the "normal" family life.

That, jiang, is what is called "cake eating" around here.

No matter what she does or doesn't do, you need to start working on yourself immediately. You need to act accordingly with what she is SHOWING you, not TELLING you.

She is showing you that she won't leave her other man. She is showing you that she is not concerned about you or the marriage. As much as this hurts to write, your 30 year marriage...as you knew it...is over. It can be rebuilt, with a lot of combined effort, but as it stands today, the marriage is dead.

There will be a lot of advice coming forward, but the biggest recommendation that I can give you, is to keep posting here. The more that we know, the more that we can potentially help. I know that you are in a lot of pain, but it will pass with time and effort. You will get through this...with or without your wife.

ETA--I absolutely agree with the others about not going on this trip. It was supposed to be in celebration of your marriage...which you (1) currently do not have, and (2) she is not committed to.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 9:29 AM, June 29th (Sunday)]

I agree. Don't go on that trip. Cancel.

You'd feel like a caged animal. Probably a depressed very frustrated animal unable to get away.

There's alot to be dealt with here. Please take care of yourself. Keep posting here and in the I can relate thread for LTA's.

Good luck jiang.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to give her exactly what she wants. Show her cheating ass the door and slam it shut. Cut her off completely. Do not support her emotionally, financially etc. She is living in a fantasy that is the A. Very rarely does a relationship that begins with an A survive once reality sets in. Whatever you do don't reward her with that trip. You will be miserable because your naturally going to be worrying if she is contacting OM. And with good reason cause chances are she will be. You need to get to the FUCK HER stage and quick. Expose her ass to anyone and everyone who needs to know. Do not keep her dirty little secrets no matter how much she threatens you. And trust me she is going to try and dangle the slight chance of R if front of you in order for you to keep your mouth shut. She will even threaten to D you if you do. When that happens call her bluff and show her you refuse to be disrespected like she is doing. Stand tall my man and things will get better. Be weak and submissive and life will get much worse.

Can't add much to what the others have told you. It is inconceivable to me that you would even consider taking her anywhere but to an attorney's office right now. She tells you that she refuses to stop seeing OM or discontinuing her affair and you're going on vacation????

You will NOT win her back by taking her on vacation. What you will be doing is telling her is that you are willing to share her with another man and that she can have all the comforts of her marriage with you.

The last thing you should be thinking about right now is R. And I would not pay a dime for her iC while she is still banging some other guy. Some idiot shrink may tell her that is fine until she finds herself and you will bear the consequences.

As hard as if is, you need to give her a good kick I. The ass and instead of a nice vacation give has a gift wrapped set of divorce papers

She won't agree to cut contact but will go on a trip intended to celebrate your 30th????

Ok, that is more than a little off-kilter.

Do not go on that trip. Honestly what is the point? Take a vacation with a spouse who is actively cheating on you and refuses to go NC with her AP? She says it will give you a chance to talk?

Talking should be done in MC imho. A 30th wedding celebration trip is about...well not that.

She began cheating on you prior to your health issues so she's proven she'll betray you in sickness and in health. See a lawyer. Kick her to the curb. You may still love her, which is normal and understandable, but you absolutely cannot trust her.

jiang

Get tough. Show her what your back looks like.

Either cancel the trip or go yourself.

She does not deserve to go with you.

You will only discuss the marriage if she gives up the bf or there is really nothing to discuss.

Your wife threw 30 years out the door 2 years ago.

She just failed to tell you.

Shame on her.

Now get tough and show her what consequences look like.

HM

What LedZpplanin said...

Best and quickest way to feel your self dignity come back..

She is disrespecting you big time....Shut her down....

It is hard to make big decisions from a place of vulnerability...Shut down your vulnerability with legal help if necessary...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:38 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]

Your WW is in fantasy land.

File and see what the OM does.

Do you really think that he'll want her if she separates. He doesn't have to take care of her now.

Give her what she wants.

As for the trip, cancel it or go by yourself.

I tried to nice her back. Spent thousands going on trips and doing my best to win her over. Now I'm broke and were separated and headed for divorce.

I know your hurt. But please listen to the advise your have been given. She left the marriage 2 yrs ago. Now you need to detach. I'd rather die alone knowing no one will comfort me than die knowing your wife could have comforted you but chose not to. Know what I mean.

Hope your feeling a little more in controll today.

Edit to add: see a lawyer and talk about changing benifits to your children. I wouldn't leave her a dime.

Can you tell I'm mad for you.

[This message edited by UpInTheAirNow at 9:57 AM, June 30th (Monday)]

Agree - no trip. As long as she's waivering, it's time to 180. She's been testing the other waters for 2 years without you knowing. It's time for you to start thinking about you, not her.

She's saying the trip is a time 'to talk' because she wants the trip. Don't go.

EDIT: Or go alone and do some thinking.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 9:56 AM, June 30th (Monday)]

Jiang

I‘m only going to post one piece of advice for now. I’ve seen too many one-hit posters to – well bluntly and honestly – bother writing out long advice until I see the poster come back and respond.

My advice?

Come back and respond.

I am 100% certain that the above advice isn’t what you want to hear but believe me – you won’t get a better bunch of people to help you through than this sorry bunch here on SI.

Give us some feedback and we will help you survive infidelity.

Oh… One final piece of advice: You guys aren’t celebrating 30 years together if she checked out 2 years ago… Do the math.

I agree with everyone else--no trip. It's early days in your situation and the trip will be an added stress on top of it but I get the pain of cancelling. But cancel.

You are starting on a wild emotional roller coaster from hell and being only 4 days out you haven't even felt the worst of it yet. Prepare yourself. It's entirely possible that you still love her deeply and are very angry and it's also possible that there is hope.

They say not to make any decisions in the first few months and I think that this is right. You are going to be playing "catch up" on the affair for a long time trying to piece it all together.

I'm so glad that you are in IC. Be kind to yourself. Hugs.

Thank you everyone for your support and counsel. This is a tough place to be, and it's good to know I'm not alone.

The posters on SI are unanimous in their opinion of this vacation, and that's something I don't weigh lightly. However, based on the advice of both our therapists and my psychiatrist, we're going on the trip. But there are boundaries and expectations in place. We'll do some activities separately, but we'll also take opportunities to talk about where we want to go from here.

That doesn't mean things will be easy, or even enjoyable, but they aren't at home now anyway. I plan to take my individual time to do things I love and do some deeper thinking.

I know the SI community doesn't approve, but I haven't completely ignored your advice. I have sought out information on divorce in my state and am currently fishing for an attorney.