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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: She asked for a separation
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is a deal breaker for me also, for several reasons.

1. Every guy you see at the store, the gas station, anywhere, you are going to wonder if that is him. And that is not fair at all.

2. If it is someone you know, you sure as hell have a right to know.

3. Her keeping the OM and name secret is just one more secret she is keeping from you. Secrets are never good and will only cause resentment in the future.

4. How will you ever know for sure if there really is NC if you don't even know who the OM is.

5. It will always look like she is protecting the OM and putting the OM ahead of you and your feelings. This will always lead to resentment in the future.

Therapist seemed to back her on this and said that trust is like faith.
The therapist is an idiot.

Trust is something that has to be earned! And your wife has a lot of work to do in order to earn your trust back again. And secrets are the absolute worst thing in the world for someone trying to earn someone's trust.

that trust is like faith.
Again, total Bullcrap!

Trust in this situation is like blind faith! Would you trust a quack doctor telling you to take some pills to cure something on blind faith. NO. And this is the same thing. No truth, no trust, no faith.

It all starts with total openness and total honesty.

I want to add, IMO, her keeping the OM secret will always hinder any R. Any secret builds hate and resentment.

As others said, find out on your own who the OM is. You get the upper hand and the hell with her secrets.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 5:01 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 3973 | Registered: Jun 2002
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jiang,

I couldn't say it any better than craig2001 just did.

There are (2) huge obstacles that I see right now, and they both need to be addressed as soon as possible:

(1) This therapist is toxic. There is nothing more damaging to an already *broken* person, than someone who is looked upon as an expert....who is wither willingly or unwillingly promoting and supporting bad ideas in the already-screwed-up-mindset. I learned two weeks ago that my WW's IC had not only known of her 3 year LTA(that I had no idea of), but "understood" that affairs could *help* in a troubled marriage.

How many more years of therapy will it take to possible rid your WW of this troubled "advice"?

(2) You are too paralyzed by fear to act appropriately. And again--I get this. I really do.

But you really need to work on your emotional detachment from your WW. She is not a good partner right now, and she may NEVER be again. It is important that you understand this. If you don't work on your own personal recovery, and continue on the path that you are following, you are going to be in increased agony over the long haul. Her behavior and actions will drain the life out of you....guaranteed.

You may or may not have done many things wrong over the years, but I can assure you that standing up for what is right is only going to help you, as you move forward. Your marriage may very well end---and you have to prepare for that. Reconciliation will only come from (2) committed partners, and regretfully, you do not have that. And the harder that you try, and the more disrespect that you take, will only lead to your downfall....because you will eventually look at yourself as a beaten-down man. And you don't have to go this route.

Stick up for what is right. IC has to be changed. OM...and ANY OTHER SECRETS...need to be out in the open. If your WW isn't willing to do these bare minimums for you, then what are you fighting for?


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
k9lover1
♀ Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As far as the identity of the OM, do you have access to her phone records? You could see what number is frequently called.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8098 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Topic Posts: 83
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