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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 9
SI Staff
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Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 28th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
mightsurvive
♀ New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope it's ok to repost my question as it came on the tail end of the last thread :)

I am hoping for some insight on this one. I think it came up today as I was reading the ask the wimenz thread. There was discussion on whether women O from PIV. I have only been able to do this a couple of times in my life (with WH as he is my only). Just before his A he purchased me my first vibrator which I enjoyed and used with him. Then he suddenly became resentful that I used it to O (probably when A started). Shortly thereafter he started saying that I wasn't attracted to him as I couldn't even O during sex....I must not want him....other women can O so there must be something wrong with me. I was feeling very badly about all of this and like there was something wrong with me or I was a bad person. It really messed with my head. Could anyone attempt to explain where this was coming from or put it into perspective for me?
Thanks


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MS - my initial thoughts are that because the resentment coincided with the start of the A he was projecting feelings of guilt and anger.
He could have been using it as justification for his A.... 'My wife prefers her BOB to being with me so I deserve someone who actually wants me'.

Does that make sense?

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:23 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Question  Posted: 12:28 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you (WS) apologized to your children for betraying them, your spouse and family? Or do you feel you only betrayed your spouse?

Could you share YOUR insight/perception of infidelity impacting only the spouse? Or if you believe it impacted your children too, could you share how you arrived at that conclusion?

Thank you!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2234 | Registered: Oct 2012
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dmari,

I am a BC (betrayed child), WW and a BW. I wear lots of hats! In terms of infidelity within my own marriage I identify mainly as a WW.

My kids are five and two, they have no idea what's gone on. They wouldn't even understand if I tried to explain now. If there is a point in their life when they do know and they do understand, yes of course I would apologise to them. I've been that kid and it meant a lot to me when my mum apologised to me and explained her side of it.

As for my husband's family, they don't know. My husband is adamant that they never find out. That decision is very personal to him, a lot of his FOO issues. I told him I would talk with them if he wanted but he says never to tell them and I support him in that.

My husband's best friends took the news of my A badly. He only told three people and they were really angry. I have asked if I can speak with them, listen to what they have to say and answer any questions they have. It's hard to get them all together because they're always away with work but my husband really appreciates that it's something I want to do.

Infidelity does not only touch the life of the spouse, it reaches deep inside a family and festers inside friendships. Apologies and atonement should always be offered by the WS to everyone who knows. Reconciliation is not solely with the BS.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mightsurvive,

....other women can O so there must be something wrong with me.

This is either something he uses as "justification" for his A, or blaming you for something he may regard as a deficiency on his part.

The truth is, some women cannot orgasm from PIV alone. There is nothing "wrong" with them, and there is nothing "wrong" with the man who gives them PIV either. It's just the way they're made.

Some overcome the problem by stimulating their own clitoris during PIV or receiving stimulation from their partner if some position is possible for the couple where he can provide it during intromission.

with WH as he is my only

Well, if you were his "only" (as you SHOULD BE) there wouldn't be a problem, now, would there ? There would be nothing for him to compare. He would simply, then, accept you for who YOU are and how YOU are made, and how God gave YOU to him with the intent that he would do what is necessary in bed to give you sexual satisfaction, without regard to what "others" do.

I think he should be challenged that it is HIS SIN that he arrived at his marriage nonvirgin, and that he has NO RIGHT to foist the ramifications of that onto you.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 2:35 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 463 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 9:39 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tfkeel,

This forum is for WSs to answer questions asked by BSs. Please do not respond to questions in here.

Thank you.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37760 | Registered: Sep 2007
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did you realize you wanted to be with your BS? How long did it take for this 'fog' to lift, and what caused that lifting?

Thanks


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When did you realize you wanted to be with your BS? How long did it take for this 'fog' to lift, and what caused that lifting?

About 2.5 weeks after the A started. I was carrying some shopping from the car to the house when I felt like I was hit by a brick. I actually stopped walking and said out loud 'what the fuck am I doing?!' (With regards to the A, not carrying the shopping!)

A few days later I ended the PA. AP went bunny boiler and I didn't have the coping mechanisms to go completely NC. I still talked to him on the phone and by text, trying to extricate myself from it all for another couple of months but I de-fogged pretty quickly.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:11 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty much right away but I still had a lot of work to do and had trouble showing it or acting like it. The fog lifted when my BH started to act like he'd be fine with or without me, basically stop taking my shit.

That's why I truly believe that 'you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it' is invaluable advice for BSs. 'Nicing me back' didn't work. He didn't do the 180 (said he wasn't able to, it wasn't in him), but his version of it---his 'toughlove'---did the trick.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37760 | Registered: Sep 2007
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you (WS) apologized to your children for betraying them, your spouse and family? Or do you feel you only betrayed your spouse?

My children are older. There was only one living with us at the time of my affair. He knew his Dad and I were having difficulty. I apologized for not being a good parent to him. It is one of the things that my BS is most angry about, that we were caught up in our own crap - me betraying and him just blindsided- and we dropped the ball on parenting. Sure, he was a senior in HS but trouble often starts then. We should have been more present in his life.

When did you realize you wanted to be with your BS

never did not want to be with him. His IC screwed him up telling him that all WWs want to leave their BS to be with their AP's. I did not. Did not want that life at all. I wanted to be with my BS but be happy about it and I was confused because I "thought" my AP was making me happy. In fact, I was miserable.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5063 | Registered: Dec 2010
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dmari - my children, family, and in-laws do not know. They knew I was a jerk, and I have apologized and tried to make amends for that. My actions affected everyone, children, family, coworkers etc.

painfulpast - For myself the "fog" started lifting one night when my BS came home late from work. I projected my infidelities on her. And started to address my issues. For me this all happened 8 months before dday


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a question for the women. Just recently my WW has been acting really jealous and getting mad if I even talk to anyone even her friends. We have been doing ok over the past several months, but it seems like all of a sudden she is acting like she has no trust in me and is really acting crazy accussing me of anything she can think of. I'm pulling out my hair trying to prove i'm not doing anything. Is this normal? Someone told me that maybe now she is just realizing what she did and it is now just hitting her. I don't know. She is getting really clingy and keeps saying she doesn't want to lose what we have and that she doesn't want anyone else in our lives. I don't get it as before she really did not want to talk about it and at times acted like it was no big deal. I told her why didn't she feel that way before with him and she says she was stupid and f'd up. Thank You

[This message edited by 99lawdog99 at 9:13 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 125 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
SoSorry17
♀ Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dmari, My children are still to young to understand. My oldest knows I did something wrong and I have apologized and explained that I'm trying to make things better. My BH has no other family, but has known mine for years, they are his family. I've apologized to them as well, they know of my affair and I even used them to do it. My affair ended up being very public and I've apologized to as many as I can. If and when I can, I'll keep apologizing.

Infidelity destroys families and friendships. My affair is a perfect example. My family and BH friendships are ruined. We are attempting R, but the destruction has caused a wide gap, which may never be bridged.

painfulpast, I always wanted my BH. I was selfish and entitled and when everything in my life wasn't perfect and exactly how I wanted it, I made stuff up. I've recently discovered I never had any boundaries. I talked about what ever I wanted to who ever I wanted. I had it great in my marriage, I was the weak link. I don't think I was ever really in the fog. But what caused me to stop the affair in its tracks was my husband almost dying.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2014
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mightsurvive, my guess he feels inadequate, nothing you can do about that. He can say other women can withPIV but if you look at our forum going ask the womenz, its really stating the opposite most need outside stimulation. He is probably feeling not a man and honestly may be second guessing if Im sorry for saying this that maybe the OW were faking it, which then also underminds his manhood, plus he won't want to admit that perhaps he needs to learn a few tricks himself to help you. Cause that is what my BH and I had to learn, I had never had a O during intercourse, until after Dday and my BH almost had this mission to make it happen.

Of course I am not a man, I am just making a guess by what you have said and how my BH has said he has felt in the past.

dmari- My family, my children, my in laws do not know. Most of our friends do not either. We live in a small town and my BH does NOT want it discussed. Because so many time the BH is considered to be an ass to make the wife go cheat. Society today is an influence to be beaten. I myself wish we had told, I continuously feel we still live this lie or unreal life, and I think it stops us from growing. I think my BH and I really should be proud of how far we have come.

My kids were 7 and 5 at the time, so really too young to know, they did pay and I will carry that till I die, WE spent a lot of time outside in our garage for the first 6 months, I was able to keep food on the table, most of our appointments and the kids to there programs. But wew really were not there mentally. and I know I was missing for 2 months before dday. So my children may have paid , we wont know. I was told during that time that the kids were telling their grandparents all the fun thing they were doing and how fun it was that daddy was home all the time, he works away, so I amhoping they will be fine. If they do question I will be apologizing

99lawdog- well this can be projection. my sitch was a little different , he told he was going to , and I did catch an email. However, the jealousy can be reaction , Someof it was projection for me. When he saw a pretty girl and he was looking , it was also for the low self esteem of how I compared myself, couldn't believe he would still want me or find me attractive, So I couldn't stand him looking at pretty girls. Now I am 115lbs with blonde blue eyes and hour glass figure, nothing wrong with me except my thoughts in my brain. and this was for probably the first year for me. I had to loose it for myself , I was driving myself nuts.

The other side , she is projecting my BH has allways said its a tell tale sign of no good. So ....You two just had your dday I think from your registration date. Or she is still trying to blameshift , justify to herself why she did it, give herself a good reason, trying to make herself feel better.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or do you feel you only betrayed your spouse?

My kids are 11 and almost 13. They are too young to know.

I feel like I betrayed everyone who ever thought of me as a good person. I have apologized to the two friends who know. I feel like I was lying to them too.

My parents do not know. We don't have plans to ever tell them. Yet I feel like I let them down. They went through all the hardships of raising a family, and tried to teach me to be a good, honest, loving person. I am very ashamed that I decided to not be the person my parents raised me to be.

This is just my perspective, YMMV.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always wanted my BW. I just convinced myself that I wasn't getting enough of her and life and whatever, and that my M and my As were what it took to make me happy. Like rachelc, I was truly miserable.

If the question is when did it really hit me, the answer is immediately. My BW and I were in different places when everything blew up, and I confessed via text. I waited for hours for her to come home to talk about it. My chest hurts now just thinking about that day.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does this mean:

"It was just sex. She meant nothing to me."


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1393 | Registered: Dec 2012
MissWhoKnew
♀ New Member
Member # 43580
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess the biggest question on my mind night and day, is whether a WS ever really gets it. Do they think about their BS when they are with the AP? If they found a way to justify crossing the line will it be easier the next time?

I am about 3 months out now and I find my feelings toward my WS are becoming indifferent. Do WS's even notice this type of change?

When I ask him why didn't he just tell me and then leave. His answer was that he loves me and never even thought about leaving me.

I know I asked several questions at one whack here, but as other BS know...the questions are never-ending.

[This message edited by TimeToGrowUp at 9:04 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Me:BW 51, Him:WH 56
DS 26, DD 24; Dday: 4/19/14
Married: 29 years
Reconcile: A work in progress...
Dday: 4/2014 TT for over a year.
------------------------------------
You're not alone in how you've been, everybody loses we all got bruises

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Land of Oz
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the WW: how readily did you notice the difference in "size"?

Did it factor in? How about technique? Was it something you thought to compare? Not necessarily during the act, but perhaps later while maybe considering the recent events.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 220 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
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