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User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 9
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me that is hard to understand how she can go from one extreme to the next

Let me revise my previous response, I'm realizing the climax part has nothing to do with your real question. I think you're trying to figure out if she's lying about enjoying the sex, or if she's lying now about being disgusted with the sex. The truth is probably both. In the moment all of us WS got pleasure in some way shape or form or we wouldn't have done it. But in retrospect? Yeah, you're disgusted. The truth in AP's motivation and actions are so much clearer after the fact. The acts you did together which at the time seemed fun and daring are downright repulsive and make you feel cheap if you allow yourself to think about it too long. Picture waking up after your office Christmas party and hating the memories of what you said and did because you drank too much. But at the party you thought it was all completely appropriate and you were the coolest thing around. Now times that by 1 millon. That's how it feels when you think back on A sex


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Family, that example did help me. I guess I never thought about it like that. You have opened my eyes quite a bit. The climax part is still hard for me to understand. I guess I'm looking at it from a man's point of view. I would find it strange to always be having sex and never climaxing, and that's what she is claiming. When we have sex, I always make sure she does. So who knows. You have helped me though. Thank you again. I really do appreciate your time and your honesty.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99, I agree with familyfirst.

If you haven't done so already, have a read of the Ask the Womenz thread in general. There is a lot of discussion about sex and the importance of orgasms from the female perspective. You'll be surprised!


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Forged1
♂ Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a few questions. For the purpose of these questions, a 'lie' or 'lies' can be defined as an actual untruth, partial truth or deflecting a response to an inquiry from the AP as to the actual status of the relationship between the WS and the soon-to-be BS.

1 - What lies did you tell your AP about the state of your marriage?

2 - What lies did you tell yourself about your BS's character?

3 - Did you go out of your way to make your BS look like a bad person?

4 - Did the AP at any point before /emotional physical adultery commenced ask you if 1 - 3 above were actually true?

5 - If in R, and in the interests of full disclosure to your BS, have you provided the answers to 1 - 4 above to the betrayed partner?

Thanks.

Edited for typos etc.


[This message edited by Forged1 at 10:51 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 - What lies did you tell your AP about the state of your marriage?

None. I told him we had a good marriage. It was HE who called bullshit and said no one cheats in a good marriage.

2 - What lies did you tell yourself about your BS's character?

None. My XH had excellent character at the time of my A, and I never thought otherwise.

3 - Did you go out of your way to make your BS look like a bad person?

No.

4 - Did the AP at any point before /emotional physical adultery commenced ask you if 1 - 3 above were actually true?

Yes; see my answer to #1. He just couldn't believe that there was nothing wrong with the M.

5 - If in R, and in the interests of full disclosure to your BS, have you provided the answers to 1 - 4 above to the betrayed partner?

Yes. He knows all of that.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
tfkeel
♂ Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did it surprise you to find out how hurt your BS was when they learned about your affair?

Were you expecting they would be less affected by it than they were ?

If you did expect less, why ?

[This message edited by tfkeel at 9:20 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 526 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did it surprise you to find out how hurt your BS was when they learned about your affair?

Oh yes.

Were you expecting they would be less affected by it than they were ?

I expected him to be angry and to divorce me based on that anger. Like a pride thing. I was shocked at how sad/hurt/devastated he was.

If you did expect less, why ?

My XH is very non-emotive, non-communicative, etc. Up until D-day, I'd only ever seen him cry twice---when he found his dog dead in the road and then when his dad died. He very rarely expresses any kind of negative emotion; in fact, I'd say he represses them. Goes out of his way to do so, even. He doesn't perceive showing emotions as weak; simply that it's useless. Getting all upset/stressed/sad/emotional etc. doesn't change the situation, so why bother? is his perspective.

So because of that, to see him fall apart on D-day, was a real shock to me. Again, of course I expected him to be angry...furious even. I would be were I in those shoes. I just didn't expect the level of sadness, I guess.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:55 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1 - What lies did you tell your AP about the state of your marriage?

We didn't discuss my marriage an awful lot. I said I was unhappy in my marriage, which was untrue. I was unhappy with myself.

2 - What lies did you tell yourself about your BS's character?

My marriage was very toxic but I definitely demonised my H.

3 - Did you go out of your way to make your BS look like a bad person?

No.

4 - Did the AP at any point before /emotional physical adultery commenced ask you if 1 - 3 above were actually true?

No.

5 - If in R, and in the interests of full disclosure to your BS, have you provided the answers to 1 - 4 above to the betrayed partner?

He knows everything so yes.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did it surprise you to find out how hurt your BS was when they learned about your affair?

Yes, I was very surprised.

Were you expecting they would be less affected by it than they were?

Yes. I knew he would be angry but I didn't expect it to cause him the trauma that it has.

If you did expect less, why?

Several reasons.

First, much like heartbroken's husband, my husband never shows emotion about anything much, especially negative stuff. He represses things like that.

Second, because of the above it was very easy to tell myself he didn't care and didn't love me.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for answering questions.

My H says that he hardly ever thinks about his LTA now. My DDay is just one year ago. I think about it constantly. I stuff down sadness and resentment and horror until I can't stuff any more and then bring it up. He said the other night that he realizes that a load (guilt) was taken off his shoulders and placed on mine (devastation). My question is how can he not think about it knowing that it still consumes me - still no time line from him - but more promises to do it. He mostly acts like he fine as his load is gone. How can he not hurt at least as much as I do?


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; MOW, PA 2009-?. Broke it off about a week before I found out. Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me. STATUS UPDATE - SEPARATED :-(

Posts: 167 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how can he not think about it knowing that it still consumes me - still no time line from him - but more promises to do it. He mostly acts like he fine as his load is gone. How can he not hurt at least as much as I do?

Because for him it is over...at least he wants it to be. He wants to rug sweep. It sounds like he has not done the work on himself to figure out the issues that him to have an A in the first place?

Don't bottle up your feelings. Talk about them with him. Make sure he understands how this has made you feel. It will help him be more empathetic. What is he doing to work on himself? Is he in IC? What is he doing to demonstrate remorse to you?

It's more than just giving you the load to bear. It sounds to me like there is a lot more work that needs to be done, starting with the timeline.

If he isn't hurting, he hasn't processed what he has done to you or himself. He doesn't get it yet.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much FWS for your responses to our questions. I hope you know how much it means to read your understanding after having hindsight!
Just wondering if you can express what you learned about the pain your children young and adult went thru and how they were impacted by your betrayals.
Having a hard time understanding the detachment to family while in A and even after D while still with AP.
How can someone err on the side of AP relationship instead of giving your children of 30+ years the benefit of the doubt? My XH is standing stron protecting his relationship with his AP at the expense of any relationship with his grown kids who are now at an age of marrying and giving us grandchildren!
Can't comprehend !!! Maybe you can explain the thought process!!

Posts: 422 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can someone help me out with this one? How can my WH tell me I am his first and only choice when he initially chose her on DDay and didn't come back to fight for me and our marriage for 2 months? Is it possible that he feels this way, or is it more likely that things were to difficult with her?


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily
I don't think anything a WS can say will make your situation make sense. Your XH is a jerk. He has decided to put all his eggs in his new AP's basket and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. I predict that will not go well for him in the end. I wish you peace to move past this horrible situation. He does not deserve anymore of your brain power. I also hope for the sake of your children/grandchildren they know they can have a relationship with their father with your blessing no matter who he's involved with.

Hopeful74

Is it possible that he feels this way, or is it more likely that things were to difficult with her?

I didn't leave my H for AP, so I can't speak from first hand experience. But I did the mental math on what a permanent relationship would be like with AP and discovered I'd be trading 1 set of problems for a different set minus half of the time with my kids. Plus I still had love for my H and realized we had a good chance of making things work if I put forth the effort. Clearly not the most noble way to *choose* my M, but once back it's now my chance to improve the M and my relationship with my H or not. I'd look more at the type of work your WH is doing now as a judge of his devotion. Is he just biding his time until another AP comes along or is he in full remorse willing to tackle the big problems?

[This message edited by familyfirst at 1:07 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having a hard time getting into my WW's head about the last affair she had. She said she didn't intend to fall in love and that this new AP made her feel amazing. I am not looking to R at this stage and am planning my next move but for my peace of mind I want to know, better still I want to understand if I can what the process is when a WS thinks about, and begins an affair when there IS a good spouse at home in the dark. What kinds of things did you think about? How did you conceal it? How did you justify it to yourself? Where you not concerned of sharing an STD or other illness? If you had a spiritual life, what happend to that during the affair? When (if at all) did the fog break and what broke it. Thanks Stepping up.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
WalkinOnEggshelz
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Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can my WH tell me I am his first and only choice when he initially chose her on DDay

I too left was ready to leave my BH for my AP on DDay. Not because BH wasn't my first choice, but because I somehow felt leaving was the only choice. I felt once he knew our M was over. I had spent a lot if time convincing myself that my BH was a terrible guy to justify my A. I was absolutely convinced that he did not love me and there would be a sense of relief that he would have a reason to let me go.

I was honestly shocked at how hurt he was. I knew he would be angry and I didn't want any part of that so I kind of mentally blocked his pain. Like a child sticking their fingers in their ears chanting "lalalalala". I really thought I knew what was right. That is how messed up my thought process was at the time.

I'm not sure if any of that applies to your situation or how your WH was thinking but I hope it helps.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to understand if I can what the process is when a WS thinks about, and begins an affair when there IS a good spouse at home in the dark.

I had no idea that I was vulnerable to an A. I have said so times that if you asked me just hours before it all started if I would ever cheat on my BH, I would have said you were crazy. The attention that the AP provided me, the ego kibbles was it's intoxicating at that time. I apparently "still had it" and that was awesome. I had stopped hearing any compliments that my husband gave me long ago and the ones that did slip by, I felt he had to give due to the responsibility of being my husband. Not because he actually believed them or wanted to give them.

For example, I was actually insulted by the fact that my husband had told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Seems like a compliment, right? I took it as I was required to take care of him and be the glue that holds him together.

I would twist his words and build resentments. The AP would lavish me with compliments. Since that validation bucket has no bottom, I couldn't get enough. Until I realized that it was more than just a friendship. I had to continue to convince myself that my husband was a bad guy. That he really didn't love me. And it just slides downhill from there.

It's really all about perspective. Just months after DDay we were packing up to move. I came across a card that had beautiful sentiments from my husband. He even wrote a little something himself. It was very sweet. At the time I got that card from him, I couldn't appreciate what it's contents were. The noise in my head was too loud. I couldn't hear what my husband had to say.

I still have that card. Because after reading it with new perspective I couldn't bear to throw it away.

I'm sorry your WW hasn't come around. Believe me when I say that the lenses she looks through need a deep cleaning. It's her perspective that has gone askew.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Believe me when I say that the lenses she looks through need a deep cleaning. It's her perspective that has gone askew.

Thanks for the comments EggShells. She says the same, that she cannot see clearly through the fog and that the way he makes her feel she is intoxicated ( ) sorry, to even type that much less say it or think it is hard...

but that is where we are at, and this AP, is not concerned at bit about destroying our family and the pain and discomfort that the little children will go through much less other family members, parents, sisters, etc.

Sigh - its amazing how the brain works and how the chemistry of the brain can make someone go into, insanity?


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
lbuzz
♀ Member
Member # 43164
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi. My question is about deceit. I caught onto my husband's affair on April 12, and then he went deeper and deeper underground with it as I would stumble onto things. He eventually had a second phone and was texting her mostly, although there were some calls and she also came to his work when it was ending on some days.

I am having a hard time fathoming all of this deceit and I feel particularly sick about it today. He would lie so easily, and I'm so used to trusting him that I had a hard time believing my own eyes at times. I also was repeatedly telling him that what bothered me was the lying more than anything, and for at least three months, that was my life. I think the lying is done, but I'm not feeling that trustworthy.

So in any case, I'm wondering how waywards justify this lying, especially after the initial discovery and when a lie has been uncovered. I'm also wondering what they did to change from someone who could tell lies so easily to someone who could be trusted. Just anything you could tell me about the lying aspect of things would be incredibly helpful.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ouch. Your question takes me back, lbuzz, to the weeks following DDay. BH asked me if I met AP at a certain hotel, and I said no. Repeatedly. This was several weeks after DDay, it was pretty clear we were in R, I was here on SI, and yet I looked BH in the eye and lied.

How does one explain something like that? There's just no satisfactory explanation.

One day, IDK, something snapped and I told him the truth. I handed over my burner phone, which he never remotely suspected I owned.

Wish I had some brilliant answer that wrapped it all up with a neat little bow for you. I justified my lies because I was afraid, I suppose, that the whole truth would hurt him unnecessarily. Or I was simply covering my ass. And have I become a person who can be trusted? Only 15 months out, I have no expectation of being trusted. It's not high on my priority list.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
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