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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 9
BrokenheartedWif
♀ Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Somethingremorse

Using my home and eventually my bed, is so painful.

I think that he must have hated me on some level to show that much disrespect for my by letting me sleep in the same sheets he f**ked the AP in.

BS claims after years of being in other places in my house, she requested to be f**ked in my bed.

She pretended to be a friend for many years and my spouse pretended to be a friend of her BH, so our families were very intertwined.



He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
BecomingMe
♀ New Member
Member # 44183
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenheartedWif

Sure, I thought of my husband. I knew it was wrong and felt very guilty that it would hurt him. But it just felt like a matter of logistics. And I had a polyamorous relationship in my mind. My AP was my "normal". When we met, my H had never even physically lived in the place I was living, so it was more of my place with AP. When my H came home, I felt like I was cheating on AP with my H!

As for his place, it was both. I asked to go, because I wanted to be included in his world. And he invited me there several other times.

I think the key is to know that it likely wasn't with any malicious intent toward the BS by either party. It was selfish and thoughtless, yes.


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2014
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BrokenheartedWif
BS claims after years of being in other places in my house, she requested to be f**ked in my bed

I can buy this. Every boundary you cross is a new thrill. Just like the first inappropriate comment gets your heart racing. But after a while talk alone is not enough, you want to touch. I can believe after years of being in the guest room the master bedroom represented a final frontier that was thrilling to cross. And with most crossed boundaries there is an initiator and the one who follows. I would suspect your BW's story is correct that AP initiated the idea to be in your bed. My AP was the one who wanted to go to a PA first, however since I didn't say no, I get to share full credit. So your WH is still guilty, but I doubt very much H was in your bed out of hatered towards you. Somethingremorse represents a male point of view well that this was small potatoes compared to the overall A. This is the type of detail women would care a lot more about.


Posts: 238 | Registered: Mar 2014
BrokenheartedWif
♀ Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Family First.

The double betrayal is very difficult. Especially since the False Friend AP wanted to take my place and my life. She is still in contact with my oldest daughter, and won't leave our lives. She claims she's my kids Aunt. She's still in the fog, blaming myself and her BH for her and my WH f**king each other.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good evening everyone!!! I am curious. I am the definition of insanity right now and my WH seems to be losing patience with me and my moods I can't say that I blame him much since I have been a bit manic for about 4 months, since the night he called me crying about how he didn't know what to do and he threw away the best thing that ever happened to him. He was very honest in answering my questions, including the fact that they never used protection (guess his vasectomy really paid off). But I have been so angry lately that he says we need to discuss it in MC, which I am not ready for yet. We are separated and each in IC. My question is this, for those of you committed to rebuilding, what was your cutoff point for your BS anger? When was enough enough? I don't want to be this bitter person that is defined by what he did, but I am still so angry. He seems patient with me when I am sad or accomadating, but becomes confrontational when I get angry. Is that a bad sign, or am I starting to be unreasonable? He keeps telling me he won't give up on us, but I feel like he might be. Being that we are separated, I feel like we should only communicate about the children, but am having an extremely hard time doing that. Should I give up at this point? I told him I needed a year for us to focus on ourselves and we are 6 months out. I just do not know how to relate to him on this level and would welcome any feedback. I have never been this needy before and I am not loving it. Thanks!!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Lostcat
♀ Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful74 is your WH in IC? I find it extremely hard to deal with my BH's anger but IC has really helped me and I am learning not to become defensive and try to just ride it out. If he really wants to R he will have to find a way to handle it. It is not easy but I think this is what WSs have to deal with after an A. For how long I don't know, but I'm not expecting this to end any time soon...6 months is really not a long time IMO.


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for responding lostcat! My H is currently in IC and it seems to have helped some. In the beginning he would let me go on and on, but now does not want to talk about it when he is tired or had a bad day, which I can understand I guess. I just feel like there should be more of an effort, but not sure if I am being unreasonable at this point. I am not even sure yet if we can work it out, so maybe my demands are too soon?


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't try to quote on my darn phone. But your WH reacting with anger and defensiveness to youranger is a big red flag. sure, it's a natural and understandable humaan reaction, to respond to anger with anger. But in return for the gift of R your WH needs to figure out how to validate your pain and anger. Shouting back at you? Umm, no. I would not tolerate that if I were you.

This is a time when you as the BS can be assertive and lay out your demands for R.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
sarahstar
♀ Member
Member # 43889
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question:
Can a WS particularly a WH truly be remorseful and faithful again after a betrayal? Or do they get better at hiding it? I have seen many multiple ddays on posts that I wonder if it can finally hit the WH to the realisation that they don't want to betray their spouse again.

[This message edited by sarahstar at 9:04 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014
Lostcat
♀ Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 3:22 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a WW not WH but for me the answer is yes, totally. I feel only remorse now and never ever want to go back down that road of being unfaithful. But I have been going to IC and working on the broken things in me that led me to do this. Also I recognise the red flags the led up to my A and know what I would do differently in each case.

However, it did take some time for me to get to this stage and unfortunately the thing that really woke me up was separation from BH. We are now R and I feel like I am a different person.

Is your WH in IC? Does he want to work on himself?


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jul 2014
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can a WS particularly a WH truly be remorseful and faithful again after a betrayal? Or do they get better at hiding it?
Gee sarahstar, if I wasn't remorseful, hadn't worked damn hard on bettering myself as a human being or hadn't developed empathy, I might be highly offended by this question.

Speaking for myself I have no thoughts or intention of ever cheating again. I just don't hate myself enough to do it again.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sarahstar--

I am remorseful. I never want to cause any person the pain I have. Thatis especially true for BWand my family.

I realize how miserable I was then. I feel like my life has so much more purpose today. I never ever want to be the person I was leading up to and during my A. I do not want to live that broken ever again

If my motivation was simply " not cheating" without realizing how awful I was, then I couldn't tell you for sure that Id stop forever. In fact the opposite is true. I tried to break off As. But since I didn't admit how messed up I really was, I would always fall back into the same behaviors. It took fixing me to stop.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really appreciate all of the WWs coming on here and answering our questions. It gives me some insight into what my WH may have been feeling. I was just wondering, how long did it take you to really look into yourself and see what you were and what led up to what you did? My husband is in IC, but has not really had a breakthrough as to what was going on. He can't even tell me his thoughts during the actual affair, just that it wasn't good. All he can tell me is hindsight. We are 9 months out from the start of the A, 6 months out from DDay, and 4 months out from when he came out of his 'fog' and left left the OW and called me, wanting to make things right and come home (we are still separated). He seems very remorseful and does not lay any of the blame for his A on me. I am just wondering how long it takes to get revelations about what happened. Thanks again!!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Lostcat
♀ Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I had revelations as such. It's more like an onion - I feel like I'm gradually unpeeling the layers of understanding why I did it, what I need to fix in myself and with each layer I have more and more empathy for BH and more and more remorse. Also more and more regret for the life I threw away.


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jul 2014
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH's affair was long distance, they never met in person. He is also a sex addict.

Everyone tells me this had nothing to do with me, but there were some things that are hard to accept. And this goes back to "our" bed. I found texts between them where she told him that she wanted him on that bed. (our bed) he replied and told her he thought it would be so filthy and so hot to F her on our bed. He even said "our".

I guess my question is, what makes that hot? Did anyone else get an extra rush from abusing the marriage bed?

[This message edited by SadieMae at 3:04 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks lostcat! That is encouraging! My husband is taking the steps, but I am concerned that he can not tell me his thought and feelings at the time. But he was in so deep with her tht he did not try to save our M the night of DDay. In fact, he chose to leave when I kicked him out the week before because I knew something was going on and he would not confess to me. Is it normal for him to not be able to recall his feelings, or is it just a tactic?


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Lostcat
♀ Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I would have a hard time answering this question. When I look back on it there are so many feelings and thoughts I was having and a lot of then were very conflicting. For example I'd feel really excited about the A but also really stressed. Everything was compartmentalised so I really could have different thoughts and feelings about the A and about my home life. And I had a lot of thoughts and feelings about each. When I look back on it now, I really feel like I was actually crazy during that time. I know I wasn't, but that's how it feels now.

However, at the beginning of R I often wouldn't want to tell BH everything as I was afraid of hurting him more or getting into a worse situation. So your WH could also be doing this.


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jul 2014
Macsecond
♀ Member
Member # 43972
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I would have a hard time answering this question. When I look back on it there are so many feelings and thoughts I was having and a lot of then were very conflicting. For example I'd feel really excited about the A but also really stressed. Everything was compartmentalised so I really could have different thoughts and feelings about the A and about my home life. And I had a lot of thoughts and feelings about each. When I look back on it now, I really feel like I was actually crazy during that time. I know I wasn't, but that's how it feels now.
However, at the beginning of R I often wouldn't want to tell BH everything as I was afraid of hurting him more or getting into a worse situation. So your WH could also be doing this.

I'd echo this. I too had mixed feelings during, and while I was driven by the lust and excitement, I also knew and felt what I was doing was wrong. I just didn't have the strength to put the brakes on until I did.

Explaining how I felt is difficult because at this point it doesn't even make sense to me now that I'm not in it why I made the choices I did, how I could let myself do that. Now that I'm out and don't ever want to go back there again under any circumstances, I have a hard time connecting with the feelings I was experiencing during the A. It almost doesn't seem real to me. Perhaps that's part of me wishing I hadn't done it. There's a lot of embarrassment and regret there too, as well as not wanting to hurt my BH (with admitting feelings I had early on in the A that I know aren't real now and that I definitely don't feel now, and fear that he may think I still feel that way now).


Me - WW (38)
Him - BH (36)
Married 14 years.
2 amazing daughters (DD6 and DD2)
DDay - July 4, 2014 (I confessed to 5 month OEA)
In IC.
Working on R.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a question on gifts.

If you gave or received gifts that were very visible, was there an intention of using it as a "marker" of your A, or against a visible, subtle tactic against the BS?


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 889 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
sarahstar
♀ Member
Member # 43889
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thankyou Lostcat, Slowuptake & somethingremorse for answering my question.
It gives me hope.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014
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