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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 9
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by NoGoodUsername at 4:12 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 261 | Registered: Aug 2013
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you feel when your BS makes disparaging comments about your AP? Saying your AP was ugly or a "user" or whatever? Do you agree with your BS, do you feel defensive for the AP, does it make your BS look pathetic?

I threw AP under the bus on Dday and never looked back. At that point I hated him, I wouldn't have pissed on him if he were on fire. Now, I am indifferent towards him. So nothing my husband says about him has any effect whatsoever. I certainly don't think it makes a BS look pathetic, feeling like that should be articulated, heard and processed.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1270 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the WS,do you feel like your wayward behavior resulted from character or internal issues that you had all along? Or was it a fairly confined or recent creation of issues?

Good question, Lark!

For me personally, I have definitely had boundary issues and seeking external validation behaviour for a long time. I have never been unfaithful in any other relationship and never had any wayward behaviour in that respect but the lack of boundaries, self esteem issues and need for external validation have been an issue since before I met my husband. So for me, the A was the perfect storm of those personal issues intensifying and the opportunity.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:32 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1270 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do you feel like your wayward behavior resulted from character or internal issues that you had all along? Or was it a fairly confined or recent creation of issues?

A little of both for me. I've always been flirty and had what I identify now as weak boundaries in conversation. However I never, ever, considered an A in the 15 years previous to actually having one. So whereas I see that my character contributed to the behavior, I also think circumstances in my life were necessary for me to actually act on that potential if that makes sense.

Your question revolves around how can you make sure it doesn't happen again? How will you know it won't or should you cut your losses on this lemon of a H? For me I now know where I made the bad decisions that led me down the road to the A. I can stop that before it happens again. I know that when I'm not in a good place with my M I might be vulnerable. And I've experienced the fall out from indulging in an A and it's not worth it. I'm stronger and more aware mentally of my weaknesses. I think all of these combined makes me less likely to have another A. Maybe even a safer bet than someone else who has never had an A or reached that level of awareness.


Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2014
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies to my question.


Together 15 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Arden
♀ Member
Member # 44285
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is the motivation behind the trickle truth method of confession? Are the small confessions a means to hide a larger lie?

It's been one year since his confession of an emotional affair that he claims was never physical, aside from kissing. It only lasted two weeks. He immediately confessed the affair, but the details came out slowly over several months, and now he claims (as he often did before) that he has told me everything. I am obviously having a hard time believing that, and sometimes suspect that there was a physical component as well. He denies this and says that he knew it was wrong and always stopped before anything else happened. We are in MC and he is doing everything else right, but the initial TT is a great barrier to any kind of recovery. Do any WS have some insight on how we can move forward?


Me - BGF 30
Him - WBF 31
Together 7 years
Dday 7/21/13 ("Mostly" EA)
Got TT, but both trying to R

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United States
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH (sex addict) had a year-long cyber affair. They texted, skyped, and talked on the phone. He told her he loved her... A lot.

Now he tells me that for a couple of months, at the beginning, he did think he loved her. Then, he wasn't sure if he did or not. Then, for the last 6 months, he knew he didn't love her and never had. Yet he continued the affair, and never wavered in his expressions of love.

I just don't understand any of this logic. Maybe that's my problem, I'm still trying to look at it logically?


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 115 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
RawDeal75
♂ Member
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have a quick question to all current and former wayward/involved spouses out there. It's something that is really eating me and I would really really appreciate if you could weigh in on it. I am a BH and you can find my story here: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=523278
My WW is truly remorseful, and says there are no more butterflies. All that is left is disgust and self-loathing.
My question is: do all of you feel this way? Or is there still a lingering feeling of excitement and joy over the experiences you had, the moments you stole, the intimacy you shared with someone else?

(I also posted this under "General", before finding this thread. Sorry for any confusion!)


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RD75, for me, there isn't any joy in the memories I have. If I allow myself to think of those moments, they are quickly associated with images of my BW bawling. The pain and grief I have sentenced her to trumps any possible good memories. It's Pavlovian.

Furthermore, my AP has behaved badly since DDay, not respecting my decision to try to repair my M, disregarding NC, trying to get me back, stalking me and BW on SI, sending knife-twisting emails to my BW.... what good feelings about her, sympathy I might’ve had for her, they are long gone.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SadieMae --

I cannot apply any logic to my As.

I do know that most of us would tell ourselves anything to justify keeping up the A. For some of us, we tell ourselves we loved AP, so that made it OK. For others, we tell ourselves that there wasn't any emotion involved, so that makes it OK.

For me, I am pretty sure I wanted to stop my As before I was caught. But I never figured out how to do that. I couldn't face the fact that I have missing pieces inside of me, so I couldn't walk away. At the end, I was totally aware that the As were not helping me feel better, but I just kept going.

It isn't so much the excuses and justifications we used at the time. Those were pretty universally crap. What is important is to recognize why we thought that way, and why it was wrong.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 821 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All that is left is disgust and self-loathing.

This is absolutely true. Even though I have had no contact with AP since DDay, I am horrified by what I did. There is no residue of any good feelings there.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 821 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arden, TT is sometimes legit in that certain details aren't necessarily at the top of the mind in the shock of discovery. If the A was long and/or occurred a while ago, imperfect memories can make some details hard to recall. That said, I'm not excusing TT. It's our job to divulge all that there is and leave it up to our BSs to decide what's important. As details are recalled, we waywards should volunteer them--dont wait to be prompted. Perfect clarity isn't required. Certainly anything recent shouldn't be too hard to recall, especially if the A was short in duration. For my part, when I've deliberately withheld info, it's been because I didn't want to have to face the truth of how awful and shameful my behavior has been. Lying to myself to try avoid vulnerability, I ended up hurting my BW worse, deepening my own pain and shame. The net result is that even when we waywards are telling the whole truth, we have no credibility and are much further behind in trying to rebuild credibility and trust, if that's even possible after an A.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can anyone tell me why a WS would continue to lie and deny an affair once it is truly suspected? I suspected my husband was having an affair and called him on it. I even kicked him out of the house until he could come clean with me about what was going on. He left and never confessed. I had to find out on my own. I find it hard to believe that he had no future plans with her. He has told me he never stopped loving me and never saw a future with her. However, his decision to leave the house instead of coming clean to me tells me he is lying. But, he did still give me his whole paycheck once he was gone (until I caught him, that is), so he wasn't putting money away either.

[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 10:15 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 17; 4; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Arden
What is the motivation behind the trickle truth

Part is self preservation, but the larger part is that keeping some of the horrible details of the A feels like you're doing your BS and your M a favor. That what they know is already horrible enough, and telling them more would be unneccesarily hurtful. Even though I've seen that logic backfire again and again on SI, it's still my motivation.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 11:08 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2014
Hopeful74
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Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry guys. Me again. I have a couple if different questions. First, I have read a lot of posts concerning why an affair happens: it is an escape from reality because it is easyand thrilling. My H has told me that his was kind of toxic, like a game (however, he did feel as if he loved her). She was very controlling and psycho. How could that have been 'easy' with no complications? Also, for those that separated because of the affair, then reconciled, how did you show your BS your remorse and that you were willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work while you were apart? What did you sacrifice to make them decide it was worth it?


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 17; 4; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
RawDeal75
♂ Member
Member # 42495
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks ThatGuy and something! I appreciate your insight and honesty. Any other waywards out there willing to weigh in? Don't hold back. If there are indeed traces of joy and excitement lingering, I can take it.

[This message edited by RawDeal75 at 6:33 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me: BH, 39. Her: WW, 39. Two kids: 3&5
Together 21 yrs. Married 13 yrs.

D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)


Posts: 54 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Europe
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful, my LTA grew out of convenience. I had a series of more or less random encounters over the years, none of which were all that satisfying and in several cases, physically sickening. My LTAP was convenient, available, and willing. I thought that was just what I was looking for. Turns out that what I was really looking for was external validation that I was worthy, but on the cheap and easy--no real work necessary. So while my LTAP also turned out to be just as manipulative and codep as I, the effort I put in to keep things from spinning completely out of control wasn't the kind of "real work" that I could have and should have been doing to improve my relationship with my BW. The kind of work I did with AP was trying to keep her crazies under control just enough so I could continue to get what I wanted. Real work involves things like maintaining a home and family together, managing finances together, building dreams together for a future. An A is an escape from all these things. It exists solely inside Bubble World where it's just the W and the AP. No one else really exists except to act as a foil for the W's self-pity and entitlement.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 281 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RD75,
no, I don't have any lingering excitement about my AP. I have deliberately framed sexual thoughts of her to test how I felt on occasion and it has gone through a range of negative emotions over time. At this point, the idea of being with her is ridiculous and shameful.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 261 | Registered: Aug 2013
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hopeful74
Your questions are so hard to answer because they are very case specific and for the most part my situation was different than yours. But I known a little about...

How could that have been 'easy' with no complications?

The logistics, communication and deception are anything but easy in an A. I can agree that it did feel a bit like a mental game/challenge to get all your pieces the lined up. What was easy about the A for me was the emotions. There was no 'working on the relationship'. It was taking selfishly and if AP didn't like it, then go.

RawDeal75

If there are indeed traces of joy and excitement lingering

Your WW, like Nogoodusername and most of us WSs change the way we see the A and relationship with AP. It's darker underbelly has been revealed and we cannot look back on those times without having the negative taint the picture so much. The one thing I can honestly say I miss is having something to do. The A took time out of my day and was stimulating for my brain. I'm finding healthy habbits and hobbies to fill that gap now.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 8:26 AM, August 4th (Monday)]


Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2014
notanavrageangel
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Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

QUESTION:

Is it possible for a WS to really have a breakthrough shortly after coming clean? I was tipped off about the A on 7/4/14 and received TT until I got a wave of what I do believe is the truth 2 weeks later from WH. I had found his story didn't add up and kept pressing him. Since then (and I know this was recently) he has confessed to feeling inadequate in all aspects of his life, including believing that he didn't deserve me. He wanted a fantasy life where people didn't know his history and struggles. He believes this complete lack of self esteem is what led to his A. I will give a little background:

WH was diagnosed with Anxiety and Panic Disorder a little over a year ago (although he had all the symptoms prior to this, he just finally got help). He started IC to work through his issues but had really only scratched the surface. Right before the A started, he had to cut back on hours at work (toxic work environment combined with anxiety) and he was a full time student but had to withdraw from that semester because he was failing classes (this is before A)... then his IC went on maternity leave right before the A began, so he felt like in this time of extreme difficulty, the person he felt he could talk to about it and had built a relationship was unavailable. Our MC has called this the "perfect storm" and my WH agrees. He has even admitted to me that he compared our FOO issues, like if i complained about something that was difficult from childhood, he would think to himself "you have no clue what real pain is, you don't know what I went through" which is true because he never opened up about it. He also admitted that our whole relationship he has never allowed himself to be FULLY invested in case I ever hurt him (ironic). Does this sound similar to other WH or WS out there? He fully admits that his A was nothing to do with me, it was that he felt he was failing at everything (perfect storm) and letting me down by not finishing school when we anticipated... what was one more thing if he was already such a big f*** up anyway (his words). He has really opened up to me about a lot that I didn't know. I just want to see if others have experienced this same thing my WH is going through, and how did you get through it? (SORRY SO LONG!)


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


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