[This message edited by NoGoodUsername at 4:12 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]
How do you feel when your BS makes disparaging comments about your AP? Saying your AP was ugly or a "user" or whatever? Do you agree with your BS, do you feel defensive for the AP, does it make your BS look pathetic?
I threw AP under the bus on Dday and never looked back. At that point I hated him, I wouldn't have pissed on him if he were on fire. Now, I am indifferent towards him. So nothing my husband says about him has any effect whatsoever. I certainly don't think it makes a BS look pathetic, feeling like that should be articulated, heard and processed.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
For the WS,do you feel like your wayward behavior resulted from character or internal issues that you had all along? Or was it a fairly confined or recent creation of issues?
Good question, Lark!
For me personally, I have definitely had boundary issues and seeking external validation behaviour for a long time. I have never been unfaithful in any other relationship and never had any wayward behaviour in that respect but the lack of boundaries, self esteem issues and need for external validation have been an issue since before I met my husband. So for me, the A was the perfect storm of those personal issues intensifying and the opportunity.
[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 4:32 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]
do you feel like your wayward behavior resulted from character or internal issues that you had all along? Or was it a fairly confined or recent creation of issues?
A little of both for me. I've always been flirty and had what I identify now as weak boundaries in conversation. However I never, ever, considered an A in the 15 years previous to actually having one. So whereas I see that my character contributed to the behavior, I also think circumstances in my life were necessary for me to actually act on that potential if that makes sense.
Your question revolves around how can you make sure it doesn't happen again? How will you know it won't or should you cut your losses on this lemon of a H? For me I now know where I made the bad decisions that led me down the road to the A. I can stop that before it happens again. I know that when I'm not in a good place with my M I might be vulnerable. And I've experienced the fall out from indulging in an A and it's not worth it. I'm stronger and more aware mentally of my weaknesses. I think all of these combined makes me less likely to have another A. Maybe even a safer bet than someone else who has never had an A or reached that level of awareness.
It's been one year since his confession of an emotional affair that he claims was never physical, aside from kissing. It only lasted two weeks. He immediately confessed the affair, but the details came out slowly over several months, and now he claims (as he often did before) that he has told me everything. I am obviously having a hard time believing that, and sometimes suspect that there was a physical component as well. He denies this and says that he knew it was wrong and always stopped before anything else happened. We are in MC and he is doing everything else right, but the initial TT is a great barrier to any kind of recovery. Do any WS have some insight on how we can move forward?
Now he tells me that for a couple of months, at the beginning, he did think he loved her. Then, he wasn't sure if he did or not. Then, for the last 6 months, he knew he didn't love her and never had. Yet he continued the affair, and never wavered in his expressions of love.
I just don't understand any of this logic. Maybe that's my problem, I'm still trying to look at it logically?
(I also posted this under "General", before finding this thread. Sorry for any confusion!)
D-day #2 Jan 18, 2014: 12 month EA/PA (AP#3)+ admission of 5 month EA/PA in 1994 (AP#1).
D-day #1 May 2001: 2 month EA/PA (AP#2)
Furthermore, my AP has behaved badly since DDay, not respecting my decision to try to repair my M, disregarding NC, trying to get me back, stalking me and BW on SI, sending knife-twisting emails to my BW.... what good feelings about her, sympathy I might’ve had for her, they are long gone.
I cannot apply any logic to my As.
I do know that most of us would tell ourselves anything to justify keeping up the A. For some of us, we tell ourselves we loved AP, so that made it OK. For others, we tell ourselves that there wasn't any emotion involved, so that makes it OK.
For me, I am pretty sure I wanted to stop my As before I was caught. But I never figured out how to do that. I couldn't face the fact that I have missing pieces inside of me, so I couldn't walk away. At the end, I was totally aware that the As were not helping me feel better, but I just kept going.
It isn't so much the excuses and justifications we used at the time. Those were pretty universally crap. What is important is to recognize why we thought that way, and why it was wrong.
All that is left is disgust and self-loathing.
This is absolutely true. Even though I have had no contact with AP since DDay, I am horrified by what I did. There is no residue of any good feelings there.
[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 10:15 AM, August 1st (Friday)]
What is the motivation behind the trickle truth
[This message edited by familyfirst at 11:08 AM, August 1st (Friday)]
[This message edited by RawDeal75 at 6:33 PM, August 1st (Friday)]
How could that have been 'easy' with no complications?
The logistics, communication and deception are anything but easy in an A. I can agree that it did feel a bit like a mental game/challenge to get all your pieces the lined up. What was easy about the A for me was the emotions. There was no 'working on the relationship'. It was taking selfishly and if AP didn't like it, then go.
If there are indeed traces of joy and excitement lingering
[This message edited by familyfirst at 8:26 AM, August 4th (Monday)]
Is it possible for a WS to really have a breakthrough shortly after coming clean? I was tipped off about the A on 7/4/14 and received TT until I got a wave of what I do believe is the truth 2 weeks later from WH. I had found his story didn't add up and kept pressing him. Since then (and I know this was recently) he has confessed to feeling inadequate in all aspects of his life, including believing that he didn't deserve me. He wanted a fantasy life where people didn't know his history and struggles. He believes this complete lack of self esteem is what led to his A. I will give a little background:
WH was diagnosed with Anxiety and Panic Disorder a little over a year ago (although he had all the symptoms prior to this, he just finally got help). He started IC to work through his issues but had really only scratched the surface. Right before the A started, he had to cut back on hours at work (toxic work environment combined with anxiety) and he was a full time student but had to withdraw from that semester because he was failing classes (this is before A)... then his IC went on maternity leave right before the A began, so he felt like in this time of extreme difficulty, the person he felt he could talk to about it and had built a relationship was unavailable. Our MC has called this the "perfect storm" and my WH agrees. He has even admitted to me that he compared our FOO issues, like if i complained about something that was difficult from childhood, he would think to himself "you have no clue what real pain is, you don't know what I went through" which is true because he never opened up about it. He also admitted that our whole relationship he has never allowed himself to be FULLY invested in case I ever hurt him (ironic). Does this sound similar to other WH or WS out there? He fully admits that his A was nothing to do with me, it was that he felt he was failing at everything (perfect storm) and letting me down by not finishing school when we anticipated... what was one more thing if he was already such a big f*** up anyway (his words). He has really opened up to me about a lot that I didn't know. I just want to see if others have experienced this same thing my WH is going through, and how did you get through it? (SORRY SO LONG!)
"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela