Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 9
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do they think about their BS when they are with the AP?

No. I often thought about my H when I wasn't with the AP during the A (my H was out the country) but when I was with the AP, my H wasn't on my mind. It's huge compartmentalisation and escapism.

If they found a way to justify crossing the line will it be easier the next time?

For me, no. The opposite in fact! Before I had zero boundaries, I was a very broken individual. I'm not anymore because I've worked my arse off to make myself a safer, healthier person.

I am about 3 months out now and I find my feelings toward my WS are becoming indifferent. Do WS's even notice this type of change?

I do. It's horrible but I understand why.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how readily did you notice the difference in "size"?
Did it factor in? How about technique? Was it something you thought to compare? Not necessarily during the act, but perhaps later while maybe considering the recent events.

Size and technique are irrelevant, that's not what the A was about. It had nothing to do with you in the slightest. Honestly, you could have the biggest package in the world and technique better than Cassanova and she would have still cheated.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:56 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It was just sex. She meant nothing to me."

I assume he is trying to communicate that there was no emotional connection with the OW.

However, I would call him on it. It's not 'just sex', it's sex with someone other than his wife. He needs to find out why he allowed himself to do that.

She 'meant nothing'. That may very well be. She was probably just the first person who showed any interest. But he needs to dig deep and work out why it was worth sacrificing his marriage.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99LD, she is probably terrified you are going to leave her. She hasn't let go of the outcome of your M. She is also projecting her own behaviour onto you, thinking you are capable of the same.

Don't feed her ego kibbles by promising you are going to stay faithful but having a conversation about how much your respect yourself, how you are not broken and how strong your boundaries are is probably a good idea. Make it very clear that if you want to have sex with someone else, you will divorce her first, if only because your morals wouldn't allow it to be otherwise.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you (((BrokenButTrying)))

I really appreciate your answer.
I take my hat off to you for the hard work you are doing & wish you & Mr. BrokenButTrying the best of luck.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1445 | Registered: Dec 2012
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are more than welcome.

Thanks for the luck, we'll need it!


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Broken, that really helped. That was a great answer. I really appreciate it. It just seems like out of no where she has lost her mind about this. Before it was always let's not talk about it and move on and now she is out of her mind accusing me of everything. It's hard for me to put up with it. One minute she says she now understands and is fine for a day and then, bang , she starts up again over the same thing. If I try and answer her and explain why I did something, she spins it and gets more nuts. I have to just shut up. All she keeps saying is that she doesn't want anyone else in our lives yet she is the one who let him in. Thanks again.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 147 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kakamishi
For the WW: how readily did you notice the difference in "size"?

I did notice a difference in size. Not unlike you notice a difference in hair color, or the way it feels kissing someone with facial hair. But as a female, by the time I was noticing all of that physical stuff I was already knee deep in the EA. The size was noticable, but also irrelevant.

Did it factor in? How about technique? Was it something you thought to compare? Not necessarily during the act, but perhaps later while maybe considering the recent events

Technique difference was noticable. It was all new. Being with my H for so many years, I was used to predictable. Some things with AP I liked, somethings I didn't. I can imagine it's hard for a BH to understand, but it did not factor into why I was having the A. I liked the newness for a while, it was exciting. When I was in the A I thought being adored and lavished with physical attention was of critical importance. I thought about how my H didn't appreciate me like AP did.

Now, months after the A, when I think back on the acts with AP and his size, I don't want it, any of it. The attention I was getting was hallow, and I can see now AP mostly just wanted to get his rocks off. It makes me ill and cheap to think about it. Even thinking about it enough to write this out for you was difficult.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 9:24 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a little off-topicy maybe, as I'm not a BS in this situation, it is my brother who is the SAWH and my SIl who is the BW. But as my SIL keeps finding out more it is really disillusioning me about my brother who I always idolized. I'm just wondering...if I get in touch with him to tell him how disappointed and hurt I am by what he's done, is that hurtful or helpful to his attempt to get better? I don't want to overwhelm him with shame but I also want him to know how deeply disappointed I am.

Thanks for coming here to all those WS who post.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Broken and Family. Your insight is extremely valuable to me. And I'm sure others.

Reportedly WW slept with OM "only four times". (As if that makes things less devestating)

She told me it wasn't fulfilling. Only awkward. Upon me asking, I got the ever popular "he was longer but much thinner" line.

Sigh. Even after nearly two years, it's hard to figure out what she's honest about and what she's trying to shield my feelings from.

Thanks again.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mchercheur - what your BS is saying that there wasn't any love the OW. And that it is essentially about self-gratification.

I too would challange the just sex statement. If that was ok wouldn't he have approached the subject of an open marriage?

TimeToGrowUp - I had worse feelings with each line I crossed. But once that line was crossed it was easier for me. Until after DDay. The image of my BS is seared into my memories.

as I am only 6months out there are a lot of things I get. But there are also things I haven't gotten the full grasp on yet.

If your WS is focusing on you, being attentive, then they can notice. I can hear the emotions in my BS but slight changes in her tone.

Why didn't he tell you and leave? My BS asked me this several times. For myself, I never intended to leave. I wasn't in love. I was selfish, plain and simple.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 833 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

norabird

My brother was, at the outset, a source of support for me when the proverbial poo hit the fan. He has been on both sides of an A, although is generally the WS. He is unapologetic for his choices, but does seem sad that others are hurt. I don't know, I can't really analyze him.

When he found out about my situation he was careful to tell me what he felt without judgment. He did not tell me what a horrible person I am, but did tell me that he believed my actions were horrible. They were, and are. I appreciated his support and concern.

Having said that, he is one of the sources of FOO issues for me in my life. At the end of the day my brother is a predator, and has violated other people's sanctity of self. Some of those people were my friends.

I think that if he had been a truly remorseful WS, or had only ever been a BS that his insight would be more useful. I want the people in my life (FOO) to support me, but not condone the bad choices. My mother tried to excuse away the choice and tried to put some of the blame on my BS. That was the last time I spoke to her.

I think that if you can be compassionate, sharing your disappointment in him, sharing your hopes for his recovery and process, and sharing your sadness over his repeated hurting of your SIL can be extremely helpful.

I wish I had a sibling to do that for me.

TimeToGrowUp

I am about 3 months out now and I find my feelings toward my WS are becoming indifferent. Do WS's even notice this type of change?

I am extremely sensitive to changes in my BH. I can feel when he pulls away, and I know when he is indifferent to my presence.

I think DrJekyl hits the nail on the head when he wrote that it was painful to cross the line but got easier every time. For me it got easier until it started getting harder again.

There is no evidence in the change of my emotional state in my texts with the last OM. However, I was beginning to head into a total breakdown. It was almost impossible to justify it to myself, to rationalize, and compartmentalize it any more.

It was wrong. I knew it was wrong. I had done it anyway, knowing it was wrong. My conscious just took time to catch up. I still get physically ill when I remember that conflict.

My BH is the only person in my life who has ever loved me. My FOO tries, but they have their own impediments to love. I have always loved my BH, but it has been an immature love. I am working to grow it, mature it, and live it.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 12:26 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 488 | Registered: Dec 2013
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

norabird - it is going to depend on your brother. My brother supported me, but this is not a good thing. He explained to me how women do not understand, and then told me about some of his serial affairs. And that was the last time we talked. Although in my case my brother is my NPD mother's golden child. So in my case didn't help a bit.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 833 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of the things I struggle most with is the humiliation of it all. I feel like I was humiliated in my WH's eyes - subconsciously maybe even he looks at me as a woman who "couldn't satisfy her man". I wonder a lot if he feels a certain confidence from knowing he was the cheater, and that he has a wife who was faithful. Does that make him feel like more of a stud? Like, he's in the club with all these great powerful men who get to have their pick of the ladies and even though he is remorseful, I worry he still finds that validating. Is that a reasonable fear, or am I completely heartsick for no reason? I wonder if he has less respect for me as a woman because I am NOT fighting off men left and right.

So, does a remorseful WS feel they are better than the BS for being able to "get some"? I know that's probably a stupid question, but I'm stuck on it.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainpain

If he is remorseful in any sense of the word, than no he would not feel like a stud. I feel like a weak peasant not some great stud. I look at my BS as strong and dedicated not some second hand person. My BS is much better than I. But I am working hard to be equal.

Seriously, if there is anything I have come to learn is that anyone can "get some" The reason that you are not fighting off men left and right is you have been sending "unavailable signals"

Hope that helps


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 833 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plainpain,

R is a gift, one that I have not yet earned. I feel most of the time that I am unworthy of my husband. I don't expect that the shame will ever leave me.

So no, I do not believe a remorseful WS has those feelings. Quite the opposite, in fact.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Change the gender and I second PlainPains post.

I even read in a affair recovery book that many WS find their affair affirming of their sexuality and self worth.

Its a question that is just out there in my mind. Does my WW feel more confident in herself because she proved that she can find a replacement to me should she want or need to. Whereas I fell that I am easily replaceable.

But this is a question that is not answerable. At least in a way thats believable. This is because its easily lied to. WW can lie and there is no way I could ever know.

So do WWs find their affair affirming?


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor,

I did not find my As affirming in the least. There were moments of temporary "highs" but for the most part, I still felt worthless. I was a secret. A side piece. I wasn't worth leaving a wife over. And ultimately when he found out I confessed, he split like a cheap pair of jeans. Never heard from him again.

Those few moments of "high" were still clouded. It was never a true, genuine, "Yes! I rawk!". Ever. I was doing everything to find a feeling of worth, of accomplishment. Never found it.

The As affirmed one thing. I really was trash. I really was worthless.

Obviously since then there has been a crapton of self work. But no. Affairs were not affirming for me.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second everything Aubrie said. Especially this

I was doing everything to find a feeling of worth, of accomplishment. Never found it.

The As affirmed one thing. I really was trash. I really was worthless.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1261 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor, there is no easy answer for it. In my affairs I felt wanted, and I felt sexual, I felt like a woman. I saw myself as a mom aging getting old,felt like I had a husband that only wanted nookie cause he was a man and was interested in his own pleasure. I felt worthless and I felt like a failure in almost all areas of my life.

The only place I had felt confident in my life was when I had my salon and I gave that up for my children and my husband. But the reality with that is I felt like a fraud.

The times I was with the AP he gave me the illusion of perfectness. of being on pedastle. It was like for me anyways being at the perfect point when I have been drinking , where I feel free to be me and not feel like the failure, but add that one more drink and down down I would fall, It was for me kinda like chasing the dragon. Not frickn healthy, totally self destructive. But that feeling was more important to me than anything at that time.

Familyfirst.

Size well never really thought about it.

I guess I did some comparing, in my opinion no different than any man or woman does? I don't know. It wasn't my, oh my god he's huge or he's small, that was the controlling factor. Every man woman is different. it just is. No different than any man I have ever kissed from the time I was 14 has been different.

I hope that makes sense.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 640
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.