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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 9
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course there is nothing wrong with you, my WW can O easily, typically in a few minutes, but what I have always found weird is that I used to buy Vibs and try to get them into our sex life only to find she would be shy about it, only occasionally allowing me to play with us with them. Fast forward through two affairs she had, after the last DDay, she all of a sudden exclaims, "I like vibs, there I said it", and I was like...SOoooo what took so so long to say that. It was like she was embarassed to tell me they were fun, of course they are fun, that is why they sell so much, that is why they are made. I see no issue with them IN a relationship. I have a personal problem with them if the spouse is useing them to avoid intimacy with me (e.g., getting off before I get home, and then she is no longer sexually tense for us to enjoy). There is nothing wrong with you. What is wrong in many marriages is that couples are afaid to talk about sex honestly, what they like, what they dont like, etc. That is one of our issues we are working out in MC. Good luck.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Posts: 706 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

plainpain --

I wonder a lot if he feels a certain confidence from knowing he was the cheater, and that he has a wife who was faithful. Does that make him feel like more of a stud?

Honestly, I thought like that during the As sometimes. Here's a tangent: Before the A's, but when I was slipping mentally, I was looking for anything to connect with BW (except doing the useful thing and saying something was wrong with me and with our M). Our friends loved Mad Men, so I picked up seasons 1 and 2. That became something we did together.

During the A's, there were plenty of times when I thought I was Don Draper. That I was in demand, and if my BW couldn't see that, then I deserved to cheat. I did get caught up in the whole game of it.

I could not think less that way today. Anyone can lie and cheat and sabotage their family. All you have to do is seek out someone as low and damaged as you are right then. If you want to cheat, you can. There is no shortage of broken people looking for their equal. There is no pride or confidence to be gained from that. I cannot stress enough that cheating is not an accomplishment; it is a failure.

I don't feel like a stud. I feel like scum. During the worst times, I still wonder if I am a sociopath. I still tell my IC that I am not completely sure that I am not just bullshitting her (which is kind of self-centered in its own right, thinking I could fool a professional). I don't have any swagger about the things I have done.

What I think about my BW, on the other hand, is completely different. I had zero idea she was this strong. She amazes me with her grace and ability to ferociously protect her family. Her faith in me puts me to shame.

Some people who want to just screw around would probably never give my BW a second look. That is to her enormous credit. Anyone who values honesty and trust and family would fall all over themselves to be with her. I don't feel like I have anything "over her." She is so much better than me. All I can do is try to maybe someday be worthy of that.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for your responses and for your kindness in your honesty. I know during the A my WH felt very entitled and very "Don Draper", and I know he is very ashamed now and says things very much like what you have said. Much as I hate thinking of him feeling low and less than worthy of me, I really hate the thought of there being a corner of his mind that might still feel validated by his A.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WW (heh again):when you met up with your AP, Was it with the intent to have sex? Or would you meet for something more innocuous like ..say...cofee?

I am this of WW whereas i think the men are more prone for the physical than emotional. (Although that's probably stereotyping. Sorry)

Also, how often did you see the AP? How often would you have wanted to see the AP?

Sorry for all the questions. It's just that i feel like I've discovered the Rosetta Stone of infidelity here.


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the only thing that I confirmed from my affair was that I was broken, and I had a big hole to dig myself out of, personally, and maritally. I do not feel validated because I had it. I feel used and that I was a user. It validated that I was willing to do awful things just to feel good about myself. that's about it. And that good feeling lasted about 3 seconds.
Any truly remorseful WS will not feel any positive feelings about their affair, IMO.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5736 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How often would you have wanted to see the AP?

about the same amount as a cocaine user wanted their fix. Same brain chemistry.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5736 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:29 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Steppingup,

Please do not answer questions in this forum. It is strictly for BSs to ask questions for WSs to answer.

Thank you.


Posts: 10001 | Registered: May 2002
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has taken quite a while but WH is starting to talk about the actual A in IC. They've discussed FOO, inner child stuff, and other things but not in context of how it related to the A.

The main thing I would like him to figure out is the compartmentalization. How was it so easy for him to detach? We were really trying to have a baby when it all started but he was able to tell himself it wasn't cheating and what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

I believe every choice he made to let it go a little further made it easier for it to go full-blown PA with ILYs. So how could we go through years of something that should have kept me forefront in his mind and he was able to shut that off.

I'm probably not making sense, I'm having a really hard time accepting it was so easy to forget about me and that he won't do it (detaching, not another A) again.

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:35 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yakamishi

I saw the AP a few times a week. At first we were just hanging out as friends so the intent wasn't sex at first. But then it happened pretty much every time we saw each other.
We never went out anywhere together.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1270 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AML

I was able to compartmentalise so well because my husband was away with work. I moved house shortly after he left so he had never actually been to the house I was living in. It was like a different life.

The biggest justification I created was 'he doesn't love me, I deserve to be loved.' And 'he doesn't care about me so why would he care that I'm doing this.'

I can't speak for your WH, I don't know what he told himself to make that behaviour justifiable in his mind. But demonising the BS is a pretty common one.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1270 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Razor/plainpain
during the EA/PA I did feel validated as a woman/sexual being. Someone was spending hours upon hours making me feel young and beautiful again. There was no talk of soccer practice or what's for dinner, only how fantastic I was and how much he wanted me. What I read in your question is if I took this validation and felt smug with my H. Or if I looked at H like he was less than because he wasn't getting some on the side? The answer to that is a big no. When I was with my H or kids I would compartmentalize AP and A, like they didn't exist. And then the reverse when I was with AP. Very much like a split personality. I've read on SI about revenge As, but mine was purely selfish and had nothing to do with H (except perhaps that I was vunerable due to lack of working on our M).
Yakamishi

when you met up with your AP, Was it with the intent to have sex? Or would you meet for something more innocuous

The first time I met up with AP I was very nervous, not sure if I was ready to go to a PA, but he was (*1000) and I realized that was the next step. That very first time I think I did it to keep the EA going. But after the first time, yes sex, or what ever physical contact we could do under the circumstance was understood to be the intent of every meeting
Also, how often did you see the AP? How often would you have wanted to see the AP?

As much as possible, but I didn't require the physical contact as much as I did the emails and phone calls. That's where I was getting my ego kibble. Towards the end of my A we were very physical instead of on the computer/phone and my euphoria started to wane. I realized what I really loved was him trying to woo me. So immature and foolish.

Posts: 252 | Registered: Mar 2014
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AML04 --

I believe every choice he made to let it go a little further made it easier for it to go full-blown PA with ILYs. So how could we go through years of something that should have kept me forefront in his mind and he was able to shut that off.

This is absolutely true.

The question of "how can a normal person do that" is a huge question. I don't think it's a superpower -- I didn't wake up one day as a master compartmentalizer. I think of it as a muscle -- I worked on it and practiced it for my whole life. Eventually I got good at separating the things I didn't want to face.

I know I had this "skill" long before the As. For me, at my worst depression, is when I started with the big compartmentalizing. But I had been doing it all my life up till then.

It was a little by little thing with the As. When we kissed and the sky didn't fall, it was easier to do it the next time. The first time we had sex, I was nearly sick. But I was able to separate those bad feelings. That was the only way I could live with myself at that time. By compartmentalizing those feelings, it made it easier to go back the next time.

Your last thought was how to prevent that from happening. That is probably specific to your WS. For me, I realize what compartmentalizing did to me. So I avoid it as much as I can. I desperately try to address things in the moment, whether it's something with BW or just a feeling I have. Just like compartmentalizing is a muscle, not doing that is a muscle, too. It is something that I have to practice avoiding all the time.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 812 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for WW (heh again):when you met up with your AP, Was it with the intent to have sex? Or would you meet for something more innocuous like ..say...cofee?
I never met my AP. But a plan was in place before I confessed. There was never an illusion of anything other than sex. That was the goal. Not coffee. Not food. Consummation.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6527 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
FrmrBH80124
♂ Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to thank all WSs for answering these difficult questions with openness and honesty.

One question that I had for my XWW was how she could have sex with someone else and then come home and have sex with me as though nothing happened? Was sex with someone else really no that big of a deal? I still struggle with understanding that compartmentalization.

I found out about the A when we were having sex and she was hurting in places she shouldn't have been hurting. Needless to say we never had sex again and I did get tested.

[This message edited by FrmrBH80124 at 11:54 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2014
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very often I hear WS say that the AP scared them - that they thought they may be crazy. They kept the A going because they were afraid the AP would tell the spouse if they stopped. Also, it seems that an inordinate amount of APs have family in the mafia. My WH said, in all sincerity, he was afraid his AP might actually have someone try to kill me after he confessed. What is that about? Is this something APs tell the WS to leverage them so they keep coming around, is this paranoia, or is this something WS tell their BS to try to say, "Yes, we had sex a whole bunch of times, but I really didn't want to".


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
ItsJust2Painful
♀ New Member
Member # 43973
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WHs - If you did a lot of sexting and nude photos with AP, do you still want to do the same thing with your BW post-affair? What about if your BW is pregnant? Would it gross you out to get a naked pic of her, when your non-pregnant OW have already sent you lots of naked pics over the years? Is sexting still a turn on, or is just old news now?


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 29
DD: 11/21/2013
EA/PA 6 months while I was pregnant with DS1, So many EAs over 3 years - who knows how many? more than 50, less than 100.
DS#1 born 8/13, DS#2 due 9/14

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2014
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you BBT and somethingremorse. It helps to hear from others that this kind of thing really is possible. And seeing how hard both of you are working on yourselves gives me hope.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Yakamishi
♂ Member
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recognize that it is difficult, of not undesirable, for the WS to discuss the specifics of their affair with their BS. That said, what is the best way to begin a conversation with the WS without raising their defenses to DEFCON 5?

Also, how much is "too much"?


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You WSs are awesome, really. The honesty you put forth to help perfect strangers is inspiring. Thank you.

I have 2 questions:

First, I always imagine this circle: You have an interaction with AP, you get the 'high' of the excitement, etc. A few minutes later, the reality sinks in and you feel low for doing such a thing. You return to AP to feel better from feeling so low for interacting with AP. Is there any truth to this?

Second, did you ever, and please, be honest, before full remorse set in, feel like your BS was a fool/doormat/idiot for staying with you. Did you ever look down on them for accepting such a betrayal and not just getting up and walking out?

Thank you in advance


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast,

I don't have an answer for your first question, but am going to use it for some introspection.

For the second, no. I didn't think less of my BW for not booting me straight out the door. I'm very grateful to her and worry that my A might still be a deal breaker for her.

As an aside, I'm sorry things are going badly for you. Please accept my sympathy.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 261 | Registered: Aug 2013
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