So you get caught, you're in the fog a bit, feeling guilty, maybe not completely remorseful yet, but a tad sorry and you do truly love you wife..Which route made you (or would have made you) snap outta the fog and realize you better work your a** off to get back right with your wife.
A. (My dday and following days choice) cry, bag, yell, question, guilt trip the hell outta him, cry some more. The following days consisted of endless texts of "how could you" "dont you love me" "our poor kids..." etc. And then me wallowing in my sorrow at night and playing the pity game for weeks on end. Occasional sex but nothing meaningful like it used to be.
B. Initial shock...maybe some crying and a bit of yelling but then straight ignoring and detaching. Obviously some contact regarding everyday life stuff, but no sex, no questions, no mood swings etc..
I know none of that probably made sense but bare with me as much of how i think i should be acting makes no sense. The reason i ask this is because i chose option A. as my reaction he seemed very annoyed (obviously) but i was furious and shattered. I couldnt think clearly and he was caught very off guard by me finding out. So he shut me out, didnt want to "deal with it" but has remained with me and says he does not want "us" to end. However, he has not gone far and beyond with trying to R and still talks to me very little. He does not leave anymore like he did when he was in the A but does seem annoyed still. Is this because i am being to nice and being a rug sweeper with occasional days of "breaking down"? I feel like i am treating him as if i did something wrong and i am trying to win him back. Should i stop being so nice, stop questioning, stop demanding he show me more love and just detach and let him come to me?? I know this sounds so childish but frankly it's been 2 months since dday and i feel like an abandoned child who just needs some attention. Any input would be great. Please be honest and blunt. I need to know how "he is feeling" and what will make him wake up and show me he loves me again. Might i add that i am 31 weeks pregnant so my time limit to get outta this stress bubble is running short before our 4th baby comes.
[This message edited by missingmyhubby at 12:29 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]
Whenever my AP booked a hotel room the intent was obvious but we also went out to eat a lot. Lunch dates, dinner dates, coffee dates. We were both coffee lovers and foodies.
"Also, how often did you see the AP? How often would you have wanted to see the AP?"
Once a week. We wanted to see each other all the time, like a heroin addict wants his next hit. We had "countdowns". You know, t-minus 3 more days until I see you. Pretty vomit inducing now that I think of it.
For some people there's probably some truth it this. I was addicted to the high. We both were. We couldn't get enough of each other. We were awful sad addicts.
"Second, did you ever, and please, be honest, before full remorse set in, feel like your BS was a fool/doormat/idiot for staying with you. Did you ever look down on them for accepting such a betrayal and not just getting up and walking out?"
Not once did I think my BS was a fool or doormat for giving me another chance. I would understand if he walked out. In fact he always said infidelity would be a deal breaker for him. Yet here he is attempting R with me. He's giving me a gift that I don't deserve.
You have to be your one and only priority. Not him. Not the marriage. You.
Detach. Detach. Detach. 180 and look after yourself. If he comes out the fog, starts working on himself and the marriage then that's great but if not then you'll be ok because you've already started healing.
My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
Maybe I can help. I had 2 As 14 years apart, and after the first one my BW did 'A'. I never really snapped out of my fog, and 14 years later bam, she does 'B' (after multiple Ddays and lies) and I hit bottom, come to my senses etc. In our case it was too late.
Frankly, his reaction sounds like mine back then. I got resentful, blamed BW for all my problems, didn't tell her the complete truth, took the A underground, was an all around shitty person to her. That is one of the many things I deeply regret. That I didn't figure my shit out back then.
What I will say is that in retrospect, the fact that she did option A is not the real reason for my continuing on the path I was on. It was me, to her. Her reaction enabled my continued shitty behavior, but was not the cause. Does that make sense?
After my last A was discovered...
Once she started to detach, which she did for herself, not to make me change, I realized how low I had gotten. At first everything I did was in reaction to her detaching, but again, it was a very unhealthy reaction to my losing complete control over my life, her, my family, etc. Once I decided I had to change, I was able to change.
I would suggest detaching for your own sanity, not to try to get him to change. If you get the result you want, than its a bonus, but you should do it for yourself IMO.
I hope this makes sense.
Separated transitioning to D
Badchoice-- this helps a lot. More than you know, i am glad to hear it from a males perspective who has been in the situation i described. What you said makes total sense. I know i have to detach for ME but it's so hard when my mind is still telling me to fight for him and our M. People keep telling me that i have to be willing to lose our M in order to save it. It's hard wrapping my brain around that but i do understand what they mean. I just cant seem to get anything right. Thank you again, your thoughts on this were a big help.
Brokenbuttrying-- trying to nice my way back is my down fall. I honestly just got smacked in the face for it (not literally but figuratively) i had a plate of supper set aside for my H and when he got home he grabbed it out of the microwave and sat down to eat at the table. Being the nice person that i am i asked if he would like something to drink. His response? "I guess" (in an annoyed "whatever" tone). Ugh...i am sick of being so worried about pleasing him and getting shit on for it. But it is hard to stop.
[This message edited by missingmyhubby at 7:22 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
I can only hope that nobody, ever, would use claims of SA to "get attention" or dodge responsibility for their bad choices. Clearly, adults who were SA as children can have poor coping mechanisms, be emotionally immature, or act out inappropriately. That's why it's important to see a therapist and work to overcome that damage, but it doesn't excuse anything.
It was probably very difficult for your WH to talk about his past, so if he seems sincere then yes, I would believe him.
Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense.
It was only after my affairs came out and i started looking for ways to be vulnerable and fully open and honest with BW that i opened up about an abuse that i suffered at the hands of a more sexually mature male than me when i was younger. in my case this was a secret i had carried with me my entire life and had never shared with any person ever. not my wife, not a parent, not a best friend not a therapist, no-one.
Addressing your questions, i would never aim to use this experience to try and explain or justify my A's. I am very prepared to look at how these events may have contributed to man i became - but ultimately it was that man who chose his actions. As long as i am prepared to look inwards and explore my painful past and work to heal myself, i am not using it as an excuse.
Is your husband getting any professional guidance on these issues? If not, i would feel weary of its ability to become an excuse.
Why do the innocent kids and adult kids need to be sacrificed for a love relationship
I love my family. My user name comes from when I was trying to stop my A and needed to constantly remind myself of my priorities. That said, I had an A! Not just a one night slip up, but for over a year. Day after day I was selfish and acted like my needs were all that mattered. I can't explain how that was possible. It was like I was on drugs, powerless to resist the pull. Feeling young and free is a great feeling, and it takes maturity to realize that there's more to life than your own needs. I'm sorry your xH never snapped out of it.
Also, I was an OC. My mother had an A with a MOM, and he walked away completely. I vowed to myself that I would never do that to my kids, and then I had an A and now my kids come from a family of D. I have not walked away, and I am extremely active in their lives, but still, it saddens me greatly.
During my As I did not think of what happens next. The selfishness involved with having an A is hard to understand and harder to explain.
So my question is why if she wasn't climaxing was she going there. wasn't she enjoying it or what?
Looking back on my PA, AP was selfish at times too. I see those memories more negatively now, but at the time it was almost thrilling how free and open he was with me about his "carnal" needs. It was different than real life and therefore exciting. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but you're talking about people who are actually INSANE.
[This message edited by familyfirst at 2:02 PM, July 14th (Monday)]
I have not read any other stories where the WS initially chose the AP and did not fight for his M. Is this normal, or am I getting screwed over again?!
There are plenty of good people on this site who have gone through exactly what you describe. A good number of waywards take some time to get "out of the fog." I have read lots of those stories on SI over the last 8 months.
That wasn't my story, but I wanted to respond to ease your mind a bit. Hopefully someone will share their similar experiences.