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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: BS Questions for WS's - Part 9
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, i just found this thread so forgive me if this has already been asked, i have a mountain of questions but this one goes specifically to the men who were still deep in the A when your wives found out. Follow me if you can, this is long but my thoughts are driving me insane today.

So you get caught, you're in the fog a bit, feeling guilty, maybe not completely remorseful yet, but a tad sorry and you do truly love you wife..Which route made you (or would have made you) snap outta the fog and realize you better work your a** off to get back right with your wife.

A. (My dday and following days choice) cry, bag, yell, question, guilt trip the hell outta him, cry some more. The following days consisted of endless texts of "how could you" "dont you love me" "our poor kids..." etc. And then me wallowing in my sorrow at night and playing the pity game for weeks on end. Occasional sex but nothing meaningful like it used to be.

OR

B. Initial shock...maybe some crying and a bit of yelling but then straight ignoring and detaching. Obviously some contact regarding everyday life stuff, but no sex, no questions, no mood swings etc..

I know none of that probably made sense but bare with me as much of how i think i should be acting makes no sense. The reason i ask this is because i chose option A. as my reaction he seemed very annoyed (obviously) but i was furious and shattered. I couldnt think clearly and he was caught very off guard by me finding out. So he shut me out, didnt want to "deal with it" but has remained with me and says he does not want "us" to end. However, he has not gone far and beyond with trying to R and still talks to me very little. He does not leave anymore like he did when he was in the A but does seem annoyed still. Is this because i am being to nice and being a rug sweeper with occasional days of "breaking down"? I feel like i am treating him as if i did something wrong and i am trying to win him back. Should i stop being so nice, stop questioning, stop demanding he show me more love and just detach and let him come to me?? I know this sounds so childish but frankly it's been 2 months since dday and i feel like an abandoned child who just needs some attention. Any input would be great. Please be honest and blunt. I need to know how "he is feeling" and what will make him wake up and show me he loves me again. Might i add that i am 31 weeks pregnant so my time limit to get outta this stress bubble is running short before our 4th baby comes.

[This message edited by missingmyhubby at 12:29 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
ImSorry11
♀ New Member
Member # 43517
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"When you met up with your AP, Was it with the intent to have sex? Or would you meet for something more innocuous like ..say...coffee?"

Whenever my AP booked a hotel room the intent was obvious but we also went out to eat a lot. Lunch dates, dinner dates, coffee dates. We were both coffee lovers and foodies.

"Also, how often did you see the AP? How often would you have wanted to see the AP?"

Once a week. We wanted to see each other all the time, like a heroin addict wants his next hit. We had "countdowns". You know, t-minus 3 more days until I see you. Pretty vomit inducing now that I think of it.


Me: WW 31
Him: BH 34
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 11
3 Beautiful Kiddos under 7

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2014
ImSorry11
♀ New Member
Member # 43517
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"First, I always imagine this circle: You have an interaction with AP, you get the 'high' of the excitement, etc. A few minutes later, the reality sinks in and you feel low for doing such a thing. You return to AP to feel better from feeling so low for interacting with AP. Is there any truth to this?"

For some people there's probably some truth it this. I was addicted to the high. We both were. We couldn't get enough of each other. We were awful sad addicts.

"Second, did you ever, and please, be honest, before full remorse set in, feel like your BS was a fool/doormat/idiot for staying with you. Did you ever look down on them for accepting such a betrayal and not just getting up and walking out?"

Not once did I think my BS was a fool or doormat for giving me another chance. I would understand if he walked out. In fact he always said infidelity would be a deal breaker for him. Yet here he is attempting R with me. He's giving me a gift that I don't deserve.


Me: WW 31
Him: BH 34
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 11
3 Beautiful Kiddos under 7

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2014
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping someone can answer my question above :-(


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MMH, you cannot nice him back into the marriage. No amount of crying, shouting, screaming, rugsweeping, or anything else will make him snap out of the fog and make him re-commit to the marriage.

You have to be your one and only priority. Not him. Not the marriage. You.

Detach. Detach. Detach. 180 and look after yourself. If he comes out the fog, starts working on himself and the marriage then that's great but if not then you'll be ok because you've already started healing.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missingmyhusband-

Maybe I can help. I had 2 As 14 years apart, and after the first one my BW did 'A'. I never really snapped out of my fog, and 14 years later bam, she does 'B' (after multiple Ddays and lies) and I hit bottom, come to my senses etc. In our case it was too late.

Frankly, his reaction sounds like mine back then. I got resentful, blamed BW for all my problems, didn't tell her the complete truth, took the A underground, was an all around shitty person to her. That is one of the many things I deeply regret. That I didn't figure my shit out back then.

What I will say is that in retrospect, the fact that she did option A is not the real reason for my continuing on the path I was on. It was me, to her. Her reaction enabled my continued shitty behavior, but was not the cause. Does that make sense?

After my last A was discovered...
Once she started to detach, which she did for herself, not to make me change, I realized how low I had gotten. At first everything I did was in reaction to her detaching, but again, it was a very unhealthy reaction to my losing complete control over my life, her, my family, etc. Once I decided I had to change, I was able to change.

I would suggest detaching for your own sanity, not to try to get him to change. If you get the result you want, than its a bonus, but you should do it for yourself IMO.

I hope this makes sense.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
missingmyhubby
♀ Member
Member # 43723
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both for your help--

Badchoice-- this helps a lot. More than you know, i am glad to hear it from a males perspective who has been in the situation i described. What you said makes total sense. I know i have to detach for ME but it's so hard when my mind is still telling me to fight for him and our M. People keep telling me that i have to be willing to lose our M in order to save it. It's hard wrapping my brain around that but i do understand what they mean. I just cant seem to get anything right. Thank you again, your thoughts on this were a big help.

Brokenbuttrying-- trying to nice my way back is my down fall. I honestly just got smacked in the face for it (not literally but figuratively) i had a plate of supper set aside for my H and when he got home he grabbed it out of the microwave and sat down to eat at the table. Being the nice person that i am i asked if he would like something to drink. His response? "I guess" (in an annoyed "whatever" tone). Ugh...i am sick of being so worried about pleasing him and getting shit on for it. But it is hard to stop.

[This message edited by missingmyhubby at 7:22 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Together 13 years
Married 7
Me: 27
Him: 26
3 kids, 1 on the way
D-Day May 1, 2014

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jun 2014
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After 30 years of marriage and several affairs I've recently discovered, I insisted my husband attend therapy if we were to try and R. Soon after he started sharing the "true" issue. I was aware of a rape by a male teacher when he told me about 7 years ago. Now he's telling me about several SAs by adult men from the age of 6. My question for WHs is whether or not you used claims of SA to get attention and sympathy for yourself and to try to get out of being held accountable for As. This seems highly unlikely that men would do this, but I'm hearing from some on SI that I should be wary of these claims. Please help me here. It's difficult for me to believe a man would do this.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, July 11th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blue, trust your gut. Ultimately it's only what you believe, that matters.

I can only hope that nobody, ever, would use claims of SA to "get attention" or dodge responsibility for their bad choices. Clearly, adults who were SA as children can have poor coping mechanisms, be emotionally immature, or act out inappropriately. That's why it's important to see a therapist and work to overcome that damage, but it doesn't excuse anything.

It was probably very difficult for your WH to talk about his past, so if he seems sincere then yes, I would believe him.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
nlovemyfamily
♀ Member
Member # 15258
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For FWS, what about the collateral damage inflicted on the kids of the M that was betrayed? They are innocent and are asked to accept their parents betrayal ….??? Why do the innocent kids and adult kids need to be sacrificed for a love relationship that destroyed the intact family?

Posts: 422 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: nj
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Concerned  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlove, I'm not exactly sure what you're asking, but clearly you've been struggling with trying to understand the mindset of your XH for a long time. During our A's we WS may have given little thought to the collateral damage, but it's the remorse and regret, the trying to make amends, that puts the "F" in FWS, IMO. Your XH apparently never regretted his choice to run away from his family, and probably never will.

Sometimes there are no answers. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
theseseatsRtaken
♂ Member
Member # 43088
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

blueblueeyes,

It was only after my affairs came out and i started looking for ways to be vulnerable and fully open and honest with BW that i opened up about an abuse that i suffered at the hands of a more sexually mature male than me when i was younger. in my case this was a secret i had carried with me my entire life and had never shared with any person ever. not my wife, not a parent, not a best friend not a therapist, no-one.

Addressing your questions, i would never aim to use this experience to try and explain or justify my A's. I am very prepared to look at how these events may have contributed to man i became - but ultimately it was that man who chose his actions. As long as i am prepared to look inwards and explore my painful past and work to heal myself, i am not using it as an excuse.

Is your husband getting any professional guidance on these issues? If not, i would feel weary of its ability to become an excuse.


Me: WH 29
Her: BW 31 (RomanticInnocenc)
Our son: 6 months
DDay#1 Jan 8, 2014, DDay#2 Jan 10, 2014
Being given the gift of attempted R
I don't PM with female members.
"Your character is who you are when no-one else is watching".

Posts: 115 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nlovemyfamily

Why do the innocent kids and adult kids need to be sacrificed for a love relationship

I love my family. My user name comes from when I was trying to stop my A and needed to constantly remind myself of my priorities. That said, I had an A! Not just a one night slip up, but for over a year. Day after day I was selfish and acted like my needs were all that mattered. I can't explain how that was possible. It was like I was on drugs, powerless to resist the pull. Feeling young and free is a great feeling, and it takes maturity to realize that there's more to life than your own needs. I'm sorry your xH never snapped out of it.


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other day my WW said that she rarely came when she was having sex with the OM. If she came 2 or 3 times total she was lucky , she said he was very selfish. Her A was about 4 months total and she would go over to his house 2-3 times a week in the morning before work for sex. They never went anywhere or did anything else. So my question is why if she wasn't climaxing was she going there. wasn't she enjoying it or what? I don't understand. Is she lying to me or could this be possible. I guess this is directed to the woman. Thank you .


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 136 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nlove, what 20v1 and FF is true.

Also, I was an OC. My mother had an A with a MOM, and he walked away completely. I vowed to myself that I would never do that to my kids, and then I had an A and now my kids come from a family of D. I have not walked away, and I am extremely active in their lives, but still, it saddens me greatly.

During my As I did not think of what happens next. The selfishness involved with having an A is hard to understand and harder to explain.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

99lawdog99
At risk of making a giant stereotype this
So my question is why if she wasn't climaxing was she going there. wasn't she enjoying it or what?

is a very male thing to say. For the sake of arguement I'll assume she's not lying about climaxing. Sex and being wanted is a very powerful feeling. Many women do not climax every time, but generally it still feels good.

Looking back on my PA, AP was selfish at times too. I see those memories more negatively now, but at the time it was almost thrilling how free and open he was with me about his "carnal" needs. It was different than real life and therefore exciting. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but you're talking about people who are actually INSANE.

[This message edited by familyfirst at 2:02 PM, July 14th (Monday)]


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 14th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am hoping another WS can help me understand this as my own WS doesn't seem to know, except to say he wasn't himself and he didn't know what to do. I began really suspecting something was going on with my H on Christmas Day. He had to leave the day after for his grandfather's funeral out of town, but I spoke to him and texted a lot, trying to get to the bottom of what was going on. He never confessed. So, when he returned 4 days later, I suggested he stay at his parents' house while we worked it out, never dreaming it would go that far. 3 days later, I asked him to come home, only to be told he wanted to make sure this didn't happen again. Still not knowing he was actually having an affair (since October), I did not know what 'this' meant. However, a week later, I found him at her house, where he admitted that sex had 'only happened a few times'. He then treated me like a stranger and left me standing in front of her house, crying and called me to meet him down the street to talk. I refused and he later returned to her house. He stayed between her house and his parents' house for the next 2 months. He called me the following weekend to see about getting the kids and told me he would not throw away 17 years for just sex. I immediately went to a lawyer. According to his mother 'he had made his choice'. Obviously, it was not me. Fast forward 2 months to our court date, he asked me if I wanted to work things out. I actually laughed. He was still with her. A week after court, he called me, crying. He said he was sorry and he threw away the best thing that ever happened to him and he would do anything to come home. I told him he needed to go to therapy (I started the week after I found out), which he has done. We are still separated, and I have no plans to reconcile until the new year, if at all. I know he has absolutely no contact with her, and wants none. He ended things with her, leaving her devastated, according to someone that does not know me or my H. He is being completely honest and open with me and, for the most part, sensitive to my needs. He has thanked me for making him go to therapy, as he is learning a lot about himself, and he wants to make it up to me by being the man and husband that I deserve. Since the phone call, he has never tried to blame me for the affair, always saying that I was a good wife and did everything right. But, I can not get past the idea that he chose HER that night. How could he leave me there crying if this is how he feels? I have not read any other stories where the WS initially chose the AP and did not fight for his M. Is this normal, or am I getting screwed over again?!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have not read any other stories where the WS initially chose the AP and did not fight for his M. Is this normal, or am I getting screwed over again?!

There are plenty of good people on this site who have gone through exactly what you describe. A good number of waywards take some time to get "out of the fog." I have read lots of those stories on SI over the last 8 months.

That wasn't my story, but I wanted to respond to ease your mind a bit. Hopefully someone will share their similar experiences.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 625 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
99lawdog99
♂ Member
Member # 42615
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Family, I guess it's just hard for me to understand. She is like so disgusted as to what she did, she claims it makes her physically sick to think about him and what she did with him. To me that is hard to understand how she can go from one extreme to the next. Thanks for the response.


Me 54
WW 45
Married 25 years, together 27 WW's first and only til A
In R
"Sometimes we have to be knocked down to our lowest point so that we can reach our highest Level"

Posts: 136 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: pa
Hopeful74
♀ Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, July 15th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Something! I appreciate all feedback! I am 6 months out and still struggling with all that he did. I don't want to be a victim anymore but I do hope I can work it out with him. Not sure how the 2 options an coexist. Like I said, we are both in IC and will do MC when I am ready. I am hoping I can get more answers there.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
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