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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Here again. Just saw it happening. Is anyone out there?
WhereIsHome
♂ Member
Member # 43662
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb completely agree! Bad choices and behaviors deserve consequences. If the wayward isn't 100% committed you are probably teaching your kid okay to be doormat. However, would break my heart now to tell DD her mom had two affairs in 4 years which is reason our marriage effectively dead. I know we don't tell her that now at 6 years old but assume she will continually ask throughout her life.


I was betrayed - 39
Wayward Wife - 38
D-Day1 May 2011 bought her lies didn't get confirm on 1 till dday2.
D-Day2 Good Friday 2014...Good Friday have to laugh a little on that one.
Daughter #1 Stillborn
Daughter #2 Doing great

Posts: 92 | Registered: Jun 2014
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If at all possible , physical separation from your WH is vital..
I get that you want the kids to see their parents as an intact couple, but you aren't a couple anymore..The kids will sense the shift in feelings the tension in the house..
I have been in an in house separation for quite some time..It is very hard to divorce while living off of a pension..Since my WH has no pension, he may be entitled to 1/2 of mine..My health doesn't permit me going back to work full time..But if I can find a way to get out of here, I would probably get my health and passion for life back..Acchhhh.
I don't know how old you are, but living several more years in your marriage such as it is will be deadly for your emotional well being which will carry over to all things physical about your health..I don't think you want your kids to have a mom who is so depressed that she just doesn't care any more..
Get your ducks in a row, kick him out or get out..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
StuckinBetween
♀ Member
Member # 36402
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. I guess I am terrified about that step. Kicking him out, going through the horrible upheaval of it all. Am I just kidding myself?
I'm 41 this year. No $ concerns, but I don't want to see my kids 1 week out of every 2, nor do I want them to only see their dad that way.
Am I kidding myself in thinking that we can go on in the same house, but with less tension than there has been? In the last 2 years there has been tension and it's been conflicts, him feeling I'm not doing enough (ha!) for the relationship, etc. What if he is offering me the freedom of co-parenting without the pressure to R, to love him.
Yes, perhaps I am. I just don't know now.

And of course WH is doing everything to show me he is a changed man...I know I've heard it all before. I don't doubt his devotion to the kids, but he's broken and I won't get over this.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Aug 2012
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not recommend in-house separation. As time goes own you will realize that you need your own safe place and having an ex in the house goes against all that.

I remember when I was getting ready for D, I contemplated that too. So glad I didn't. Ex turned really wacky during the D (and beyond).


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2178 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. Please detach and show him you mean business. That's my good advice. The real me wants to say knee surgery, huh...well, how about an accidental slap to the knee or oops dropped a book on it. Don't really do that, but wow, you take care of him and the kids while he recovers and this is his thanks. So sorry.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oaks: you are co-habiting. Do you still consider R?

I just can't decide! I just returned from IC and WH goes to IC tomorrow.

I can't say that I love him anymore after Dday 2, but I guess I have some hope that when we resume MC, we may find a spark. But maybe not.

Many people here have said there is no timeline for a decision, so I guess I'm in "wait and see" mode.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 495 | Registered: Nov 2013
StuckinBetween
♀ Member
Member # 36402
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oak I was in wait and see mode for a long time. I thought it was R.
So wh is currently doing anything and everything to be good and helpful and thoughtful. I have been clear (finally) that I know I won't get over what he's done. Whatever he now knows or does won't change that.

We are scheduled to do a road trip in 3 weeks. A week camping in PEI with friends then a week at his parents. How do I take that from the kids? Those are our best times as a family. How will I create those times alone? How will I juggle my little one's early bedtime with the older one's activities?

I'm babbling I know but... Is this really it?


Posts: 73 | Registered: Aug 2012
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO: after the third Dday....you divorce. You are a parent. You don't want your boys to be without their father. That is NOTon you. That is NOT your fault to feel guilty about. He chose to continue actions that are not appropriate behavior for a married man with a family.

Is this the message you want your children to grow up with? Is this the type of spouse you want your boys to be? A man that can abandon his family and still get the cake? There are plenty of people that come from divorced families and still lead productive and good lives.

I get that you don't want to hurt your boys. Then you divorce and remain respectful of each other. You get to show your sons there are consequences for their actions. You get to show your sons that woman deserve respect. You get to show yours sons that your deserve to be happy too.

I had a friend whose parents lived in the same house. He has no sort of a relationship with either of them. He said it was Hell.

I know I couldn't do it.

BTW- I don't know how you restrained yourself from getting a hammer to break his computer or whatever he was using at the time you saw the messaging happening. I would have walked right up to him and said, "Are you f&*()ing kidding me!!!"

So sorry for you. You are a wonderful mother to be putting your boys first. But, don't lose yourself too. If you take this path, you may end up being a depressed mother for caging yourself up with a man that doesn't deserve you. You will not be doing your boys any favors.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stuck, I don't really know of any story here in SI where the WS and BS had a successful in-house separation (which is basically what you're looking to do).

Sometimes you need to do what's healthy for YOU in order to be the best parent you can be. Co-existing and watching him screwing around because he's now 'single' is no way to live. And it SURE won't be a healthy, happy atmosphere to raise kids in, that's for sure.

They wouldn't be the first kids dealing with divorce and they certainly wouldn't be the last. But please don't disrespect and devalue yourself by trying to make this marriage work when he's continually cheated on you and disrespected you for years. It's time to take a stand.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
StuckinBetween
♀ Member
Member # 36402
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess that is what I am hoping for, Never. If I could pull off an on house separation then I guess I feel we could give them the sense of family. Yes, I wish someone could point me to a situation where it worked...

He is vowing to do everything for me, for us. To be there in every way etc etc. even in the face of me telling him I can't love him. He is repentant, begging, showing all the ways he now understand he has been messed up. It's making it very hard for me to be in contact with my anger.

This happened 2 years ago. I was in a weird state of semi-numbness where I am almost carrying as normal sometimes. Am I protecting myself from my own fear? I purposely take out my phone and look at my photos to remind myself of what he was doing just a few days ago. I don't know what step to take next.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Aug 2012
Sadmumma
♀ Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry to see you back here.

Regarding your Q re divorce / co habiting.....

I realise that for some, D goes against moral code however. What example does co habiting while WH pursues inappropriate relationships and disrespects not only his W but the family unit in general.

For me, D is the better option. Either both parties are committed to the M working or theyre not. All or nothing.

Remember to sleep, eat when you can and document document document.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Gotmegood
♀ Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My children are grown and gone on with their own lives, so I was never faced with having to consider children in the mix of 'should I stay....or kick him out'. But as I read your post I thought about it ,and recalled a 'family' that I knew well, and did just that. Cohabited for 'the kids', and divorced later when college was finished for all 3. What I saw was this: the husband continued to screw around at will, different OW over the cohabiting 15 or so years. The kids knew something was up; they probably didn't know ALL of it, but they definitely knew some of it. The saddest was the wife. She became an introvert, avoided social affairs, was most probably clinically depressed, and I always suspected she was drinking at home while her surgeon husband was 'on call' , and not home, more often than not. It wasn't pretty. Think about this Where, not just in theory, but what it would look like day to day. Your husband is clearly a serial cheater and a serial liar who has the ability to make you believe him time and again, with his words. Not saying you must or should decide one way or the other immediately, but what you're planning would be suffocating for you IMO. Good luck.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 482 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
ErinHa
♀ Member
Member # 10138
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand completely what you are going through...my WH and I are separated and living in different homes. Telling the kids was the absolute worst day of my life and my sons tears will haunt me always.

We stayed together for about 8 years after first dday before we decided to split. It was good because my feelings for him really did wane and I was strong enough to detach. His feelings for me went away too and our physical separation was much easier due to the lack of feelings (good or bad) that we ended up having for each other. It was totally neutral by the time we physically separated.

I look at it like we will always be a family...we do take family vacations and of course have different sleeping rooms, etc. The thought that my kids would pay the price of our split kills me and we really don't badmouth each other anymore

The hard part in your separation is that he is still trying to get you back, this could make you weaker and you need to stay resolve in your detachment. If you could do that then you might have a shot at the in house separation, But even if you do physically separate there is no need to not be a family anymore.

I was so angry at the thought that I would only see my kids half the time, but the reality is I see them about 80% of the time because they are involved in activities that we all go to.

Take it one day at a time...and keep letting him know that there is no hope. My guess is he'll want to move out eventually so he can be with other women...


ME--BS 46years old
HIM--WS 48 years old
3 Kids--DS11, DS13, DD15
Married 13 years, together 15 years
1st Dday 6/7/04
2nd Dday 3/13/06
From 2006 on too many to count (gave up)

Divorcing


Posts: 799 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Happy, peaceful
Topic Posts: 33
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