And of course WH is doing everything to show me he is a changed man...I know I've heard it all before. I don't doubt his devotion to the kids, but he's broken and I won't get over this.
I remember when I was getting ready for D, I contemplated that too. So glad I didn't. Ex turned really wacky during the D (and beyond).
Oaks: you are co-habiting. Do you still consider R?
I just can't decide! I just returned from IC and WH goes to IC tomorrow.
I can't say that I love him anymore after Dday 2, but I guess I have some hope that when we resume MC, we may find a spark. But maybe not.
Many people here have said there is no timeline for a decision, so I guess I'm in "wait and see" mode.
We are scheduled to do a road trip in 3 weeks. A week camping in PEI with friends then a week at his parents. How do I take that from the kids? Those are our best times as a family. How will I create those times alone? How will I juggle my little one's early bedtime with the older one's activities?
I'm babbling I know but... Is this really it?
Is this the message you want your children to grow up with? Is this the type of spouse you want your boys to be? A man that can abandon his family and still get the cake? There are plenty of people that come from divorced families and still lead productive and good lives.
I get that you don't want to hurt your boys. Then you divorce and remain respectful of each other. You get to show your sons there are consequences for their actions. You get to show your sons that woman deserve respect. You get to show yours sons that your deserve to be happy too.
I had a friend whose parents lived in the same house. He has no sort of a relationship with either of them. He said it was Hell.
I know I couldn't do it.
BTW- I don't know how you restrained yourself from getting a hammer to break his computer or whatever he was using at the time you saw the messaging happening. I would have walked right up to him and said, "Are you f&*()ing kidding me!!!"
So sorry for you. You are a wonderful mother to be putting your boys first. But, don't lose yourself too. If you take this path, you may end up being a depressed mother for caging yourself up with a man that doesn't deserve you. You will not be doing your boys any favors.
Sometimes you need to do what's healthy for YOU in order to be the best parent you can be. Co-existing and watching him screwing around because he's now 'single' is no way to live. And it SURE won't be a healthy, happy atmosphere to raise kids in, that's for sure.
They wouldn't be the first kids dealing with divorce and they certainly wouldn't be the last. But please don't disrespect and devalue yourself by trying to make this marriage work when he's continually cheated on you and disrespected you for years. It's time to take a stand.
He is vowing to do everything for me, for us. To be there in every way etc etc. even in the face of me telling him I can't love him. He is repentant, begging, showing all the ways he now understand he has been messed up. It's making it very hard for me to be in contact with my anger.
This happened 2 years ago. I was in a weird state of semi-numbness where I am almost carrying as normal sometimes. Am I protecting myself from my own fear? I purposely take out my phone and look at my photos to remind myself of what he was doing just a few days ago. I don't know what step to take next.
Regarding your Q re divorce / co habiting.....
I realise that for some, D goes against moral code however. What example does co habiting while WH pursues inappropriate relationships and disrespects not only his W but the family unit in general.
For me, D is the better option. Either both parties are committed to the M working or theyre not. All or nothing.
Remember to sleep, eat when you can and document document document.
We stayed together for about 8 years after first dday before we decided to split. It was good because my feelings for him really did wane and I was strong enough to detach. His feelings for me went away too and our physical separation was much easier due to the lack of feelings (good or bad) that we ended up having for each other. It was totally neutral by the time we physically separated.
I look at it like we will always be a family...we do take family vacations and of course have different sleeping rooms, etc. The thought that my kids would pay the price of our split kills me and we really don't badmouth each other anymore
The hard part in your separation is that he is still trying to get you back, this could make you weaker and you need to stay resolve in your detachment. If you could do that then you might have a shot at the in house separation, But even if you do physically separate there is no need to not be a family anymore.
I was so angry at the thought that I would only see my kids half the time, but the reality is I see them about 80% of the time because they are involved in activities that we all go to.
Take it one day at a time...and keep letting him know that there is no hope. My guess is he'll want to move out eventually so he can be with other women...