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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: fb and other social websites
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am just wondering if there are any WS who deactivated fb (or other accounts) after DDay and have since reactivated these accounts?

I deactivated my fb account after DDay because that was my main source of contact with XAP. Lately though I miss FB and would like to get back on it cuz I want to have it for friends and family.

I am not going to use it for XAP and would gladly block him and his BW. I have asked my BH if I can reactivate the account and he said no. I understand why he said no but am willing to do whatever I would have to to make him comfortable if I were going to have it again.

Just want to hear what others think....BS are also welcome to give input too!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 912 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH deactivated his as well as he would chat to OW on there. He doesn't want it back at the moment but indicated that if he wants one in the future that we set up one In both our names together so it is like a family one and I still keep my individual one too.

Would this be something you would consider?


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me FB was more of an addiction/compulsion

That is a dangerous place to be, reopening the primary form of communication you had with XAP. IMO about the only thing I might suggest would be a family only joint account. Beyond that, if he says no. I would let it go as casualty of the A. The more you bring it up, the more your BS may question your intent.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my spouse never ever would you be allowed on the internet again. Period. When and if your spouse is ready maybe you could do a joint facebook.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3198 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
BrokenButTrying
♀ Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My A didn't happen on FB, I wasn't even friends with AP on there. But yes, I deactivated FB shortly after Dday.

That was six months ago and I still haven't reactivated. I will at some point because my A had nothing to do with FB but I want MrBBT to feel more secure in the M, know my boundaries are strong etc.

Talk about it with BS, let them have the final say. It's them feeling safe and secure that's important here. If they feel they can trust you and are ok with it then go ahead.

A joint FB account is an option you could consider and discuss.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked my BH if I can reactivate the account and he said no.

Sounded like a sound answer

I understand why he said no but am willing to do whatever I would have to to make him comfortable if I were going to have it again.

What I think would make him comfortable would be you hearing what he is saying?

I closed mine years ago and can't imagine ever letting that be an issue between us. My social network is full enough with wife and family. If I had a need for more I would have to ask myself why..


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be open to a joint account, I would also definitely give him the password and anything else he needed.

I do realize that losing it was a consequence of my A...he never told me I had to get rid of it but was glad when I did it...and I do understand that if I push the subject too much it will make things worse so I def wont do that.

Maybe I will bring it up with him again soon.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 912 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hardlesson,
You do bring up a good point...thank you.
the only reason I want it back is so I can talk to friends and family....I am tired of people saying "oh did you see blank on fb...oh wait you dont bave it"

Not to mention that people are constantly posting pics of my DD on there and I would like to see and know what is being posted about my own kid.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 912 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H deactivated fb and changed his email account.

He had to make a new fb account recently for work. If he didn't have to for his job, he would never have another fb account, ever. He didn't put his first name so it would be difficult to find him. I also have the passwords and check often.


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld
Can't wait to D, but stuck financially until I find a way out of this SAHM position I'm in.

Posts: 794 | Registered: Mar 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just as an aside, I think it's really inappropriate for anyone other than a minor child's parents to post photos of the child online. It is a huge boundary breach, IMO, for anyone to be posting pics of your DD. Anyone who does should be asked to stop--and to never start again.

While you iron out the when/if details of restarting FB--and after, regardless of outcome-I would ask those who post pics of YOUR child to STOP. They can send them to you by email for YOU to share as you see fit. If you return to FB they can send them privately, though that's no simpler than texting or emailing--so the utility of FB is quite limited.

Not everyone locks down their FBs appropriately. And pics of children do not need to be even remotely inappropriate to be used inappropriately by those who exploit and harm children. Only you and your husband should make decisions about where photos of your child appear, and the people to whom viewing should be restricted.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9044 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
ImSorry11
♀ New Member
Member # 43517
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the minority here as I do not have any social media accounts, even pre-A. I hear all the time, oh did you hear about so and so, oh wait you don't have a FB" It doesn't bother me. I don't feel like I'm missing out.

I think your BS should have the final say. I think a joint family FB is a great compromise.


Me: WW 31
Him: BH 34
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 11
3 Beautiful Kiddos under 7

Posts: 43 | Registered: May 2014
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does your BH use FB at all?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4105 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Solus,
I do agree about kids being posted...it is my BH and MIL who mainly does it....but occasionally a friend will post a pic of my DD...I went to show my friends BF a pic of DD the other day and he had already seen it on her fb.

I should also add I would like to also see what is on my BHs FB....a few months ago (some of you may know already) there was an issue on his fb page, and i would like to keep an eye on that. This is not the main reason. Just a side note


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 912 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My AP was a sometimes FB friend. During my A, my AP would get insanely jealous when I would post pictures of my BW and me on dates or family activities, so she would periodically unfriend me. My main source of electronic communication with my AP was a unique email account (closed after D-Day) and Google Chat (AP blocked after D-Day). Other women I chatted with was through tumblr and yet another email account (both trashed after D-Day).

Initially I missed frequent stimulation I got from all the messages I would get. When I cut it all off after D-Day, it was like going through withdrawal from a drug. Four months later, I still find myself haunting my smartphone, quickly processing legit emails and spam, just so I can get my electronic "fix." Ask yourself why you miss FB--is it the contact from your old friends or is it because you miss the stimulation you got from reading/posting? Email, texting, social media and other electronic stuff is addictive.

My BW checks my history and looks at any FB activity. She used to do this daily but after 4 months, she doesn't do it as often. One reason, I assume, is that I've been good with my online habits. Another reason, I'm certain, is that she doesn't like having to be suspicious. That's not who she was (and how I managed to keep my LTA going on for so long) and she really resents having to be suspicious of me now.

The important part of any social networking you do is that you are completely transparent to your BS. If he gets nervous about your online habits, for his peace of mind, you need to back off again. Build trust by showing that your BS's feelings are more important than whatever you were getting from FB.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
hopefull77
♀ Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mantra....bye bye FB....my WH never goes on it never did...but I got rid of mine ....even though I blocked OW and know she blocked me...I have way too many friends posting picsof me and family....I don't need OW looking at any of this...I know my friends and family can still post pics of us but I can't control that....
if OW wants to do a little pain shopping I won't be providing it for her....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 678 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're both on fb and that's how we keep in touch with long-distance friends and family. We're usually in the same room when posting and we each have the passwords to both accounts (the same is true for all other accounts, even SI). We didn't even get fb accounts until well after d-day- and I started by making H's account and monitored it for a couple of years, then I broke out and got my own.

For us, it isn't an issue, but I can see how it would be an issue for you, since that was the main form of contact with your XAP. If that had been the case here, I wouldn't be comfortable with H having a fb account. If your H said, "No.", I think you should respect that and maybe re-visit the issue in a couple of years.


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have asked my BH if I can reactivate the account and he said no.

Well I think you have your answer here. He isn't comfortable. What's the issue?

I am tired of people saying "oh did you see blank on fb...oh wait you dont bave it"

I deactivated my account immediately after DDay. I hear this all of the time. But people that are worth my time get the fact that I don't care for social media in general. They will take their time to explain what they are talking about. Most people get why I don't have it. For example, I tell people I don't have it because it is a breeding ground for poor boundaries, unwanted interactions, and just poor behavior in general. Kids get hurt all the time. And I just don't want to be a part of it despite how easy it is to communicate with family through Facebook. People rarely give me a difficult time and usual tend to agree.

I haven't had an account for 4 years and I am doing just fine in life. I have enough going on to keep me busy.

So what I don't understand is this
.

and I do understand that if I push the subject too much it will make things worse so I def wont do that.

Because it contradicts your very next sentence
Maybe I will bring it up with him again soon
.

Are you going to push the issue? Or are you going to let it go?

It sound like you want Facebook so you are willing to bide your time unto he gives in. Why jut do something because it's just the right thing to do for your situation?

He said no. Why not let it go? That's what I would be asking yourself? Why aren't you willing to let it go?


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do understand why you ask why bring it up again if he said no already and how I contradicted myself. I have only asked him about it once and it was a short conversation.

I may bring it up again to see if I will ever be able to have it again....to see if it would be possible if I let him have access to the password and stuff. Like I said when we talked about it before there was no discussion.

I broke his trust before and showed him how conniving and sneaky I could be...he saw this when he saw my conversations with XAP on fb. I want to have another chance on FB to prove to him that I can be trusted now and am not going to make the same poor decisions.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 912 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I may bring it up again to see if I will ever be able to have it again....to see if it would be possible if I let him have access to the password and stuff. Like I said when we talked about it before there was no discussion.

Why push it? Why do you think you need to bring it up again with certain restrictions or rules? Do you understand that FB in general can be a trigger for him regarding your boundaries and your A? That it may very well be something that he stands firm on and that you may never be able able to activate an account on FB again as long as you are with him. Then what? Can you be alright with that? Can you let that go? He clearly doesn't want you on FB. Seems like the respectful thing to so would be to acknowledge that FB is a trigger for him and stay clear, not find alternative ways to get what you really want despite how he feels.

If you have a discussion, it should be about how he feels about you being on FB. About how you are terribly sorry that you used it as a tool for your A. And how you would completely understand if he never wanted you to engage in social media again. I guess missing the part that you genuinely understand how FB makes him feel.

I want to have another chance on FB to prove to him that I can be trusted now and am not going to make the same poor decisions.

What would you say to me if I said that I wanted to be able to hang around my BH's best friend and exchange phone numbers with him so that I can prove to him that I can keep good boundaries in our exchanges?

Honestly, I never used FB as a tool for my A. I gave it up when we decided to work towards R per his request. I have never looked back because I have no interest in doing things that might give the impression of impropriety. Which for me, means pretty rigid social boundaries. I still take pics when I hang out with some of my girlfriends. I rarely ever go out. I don't really have to do these things but I want to. I'm not resentful because my M is more important to me than any girlfriend or social media.

So it makes me question when one is willing to continue to bring up something that clearly bothers the BS. What is the reason for pushing? What's the motivation?

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 7:43 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The motivation is exactly what I have already said it was. I am not choosing social media over R with my BH. I already said that I willingly closed down my account without him asking me to do it.

If he never wants me on fb or anything else again than yes I am totally fine with it and i wont be. But I wont know that unless he tells me that.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 912 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
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