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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: fb and other social websites
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa there are a lot of justifications here for what you want. All I hear in this is me me me me me. I want facebook, he said no but I want it, I want to show him he can trust me by asking again for something he already said no to, I don't want to never have access again, people make me feel a certain way when they say I don't have it, I feel left out, I miss it. See how its all about you with an aside thrown in about his discomfort. I also like who you threw in the inappropriate behavior he was exhibiting as a reason for you to have facebook.

Lets try this instead: my husband doesn't want me on FB. I respect that because seeing me on there might be a trigger. I understand how much pain I put him in because of my actions and this website helped me in those actions. He does not deserve anymore pain and I want to help him heal so why would I want FB again. He exhibited inappropriate behaviors as well so I should speak to him about wanting access to his facebook.

Just think about it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Oct 2012
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also am off of social media, with the exception of this site, at this point. FB was gone before my affair, but there were email lists and other social media that I still used. It's all gone and I don't miss it.

Honestly, I feel that most of these sites promote bad boundaries in a variety of ways and my particular problems with praise and attention seeking mixed very badly with things like Facebook. Being in places where the norm is to disclose intimate personal facts for the entire Internet to see is not very good for people with bad boundaries.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason I said I would bring it up and ask him again is that advice I was given...and how am I supposed to know how he exactly feels about it without bringing up the subject? I get that it's something that triggers him and upsets him but I don't think it's a bad thing to bring it up and say I know you said you don't want me back on fb, can we talk about why? To me that is open communication between me and my BH....and if he were to say "having you on fb again would be a painful reminder to me of what you did and I never want you on there again" then I would agree and drop it....it's Not like I have asked him and argued about it with him multiple times already.

I really don't think my reasons are justifications...I think they are reasons...they are the motivation behind me thinking about it.

For the record I didn't slide in his inappropriate behavior as a reason to manipulate or anything....I think it makes sense....since I don't have it I wasn't able to see the inappropriate conversation between him and the other girl....whereas if I had an account I would have seen it myself, rather than have someone ask me about it.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 852 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do you need facebook to see it? why can't he just give you a password for his and you can check to your heart's content?

Why do you need his reasons behind not wanting you on facebook again? He said no and you seem to know the very obvious reason but and this is just my opinion I feel like your asking to see if it's a reason you can shoot down. When he said no the first time why didn't you ask? Did you feel it was inappropriate then or did you feel it was obvious? This conversation isn't going to be had for open communication it's because of your need for a social media outlet that's not really necessary. All those friends and family you want to reach out to have phones and text capability. I have great friends and family all on facebook and when they don't want me left out of something important to them they text me, or call. Adjustments must be made.

There are certain things I would never and still will never ask ex to do. One of those things is go to a certain restaurant, if I suggest it and he says no asking why won't be an issue because I know why as it was part of A. I personally just do not see this as asking for open communication from your BH I see it as you wanting something and not dropping it until you get it, take it or leave it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2755 | Registered: Oct 2012
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, June 29th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the record I didn't slide in his inappropriate behavior as a reason to manipulate or anything
Okay, let's get really honest here: Really?? It looks like you want to be on fb and will say anything to get there. Why do you REALLY feel you need to be on fb??

Posts: 11685 | Registered: Mar 2008
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never used social websites for anything related to cheating but I deactivated everything I could because I wanted to lesson the stress on my BS as much as possible, simplify my life, and set new boundaries for myself. I wish I could just pull the plug on my Internet connection and throw away my cell phone but unfortunately I work in IT.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 226 | Registered: Jan 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have stated why I want to but dont see how i will do anything to get there.....I have already said that if he says no I can never go on it again than I wont do it....it will be dropped and we will move on.

If it is such an issue I will not bring it up again to him.

Why is it so hard to believe that maybe there aren't ulterior motives


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 852 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa, I really missed FB when I went off it after d-day. I never went on FB with xOM, but I had an EA and online chatting was a huge part of it. As much as I wanted R, giving up FB was hard for me. I'm a bit of a computer addict and it felt like my social connection to my friends and family was cut off and that was tough. I understand where you're coming from.

Right now life can feel restricting and exhausting and frustrating because even if you know you are doing everything in honesty and transparency, your BH doesn't. That sucks, I know the feeling very well.

My BH was okay with me going back on FB after awhile, but no chatting, ever.

Give it time. You're doing great.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37743 | Registered: Sep 2007
WalkinOnEggshelz
♀ Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it so hard to believe that maybe there aren't ulterior motives

I don't believe that you have ulterior motives, Allyssa. I think the problem might be where your head space is on the issue.

Your husband already said no. But because he didn't give you reasons, you want to ask again. We all know the reason he said no. You know it too, so why the need to ask for clarification? You asking when or if you might be able to open your account again makes it seem more like a punishment or a sentence rather than something you are doing to make your husband feel more safe in your M. You are putting it him to decide whether or not this is something that you can do. And it sounds like you are looking for a definitive answer as to whether or not there will be a time in the future that you can have that privilege back.

The thing is, there are consequences to your A. But how you look at them can be the difference between making it or breaking it. If your actions say to him that you are doing everything in your power to avoid any appearances of impropriety, that you will go to the end of the Earth to make sure he feels safe he will notice that. He will also notice if you view the consequences of your A as a sentence. You biding your time until he is over it and you can go back to life as usual.

There will never be a life as usual. You will always have your A as part if your history. Does that mean you will never have FB again? Who knows? He may have no idea as well. It can be a wait and see. But I can almost guarantee that if you push the subject shortly after him saying no, you won't be happy with the outcome. And you won't be demonstrating empathy towards him.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 692 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Let it go . . .let it go. . ." (facebook.)

I also don't get why the pushing and rationalizing for it. H isn't comfortable with it, it isn't necessary to live a normal, happy life. Look at his if you want to check up on him.

Why are you looking here for support against what your BS wants?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1996 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FB was a problem for me, so I quit right away.

I can see my BW's account to keep up with friends if I want. That doesn't happen much. BW will tell me if there is something I might be interested in.

I do miss the interaction. I am not as close to my friends as I used to be.

This is a consequence of my actions. My BW is not going to feel safe if I go back to the way I used to behave. This absolutely includes a lot of things that may have been "innocent." For social networking, if I am "out there" starting conversations or commenting on stuff, it looks too much like the person I used to be. For BW, I am certain it would look like my focus is on other people and not my family.

WOES is right. You cannot go back to life as normal.

Besides, it looks like FB pretty much sucks now. It's just games and people liking "inspirational" posters or wine drinking jokes.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 558 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses....I feel like my original post was a bit misunderstood but still appreciate the responses. From reading some comments it seems like I have been pressuring and harassing my BH nonstop about getting back on FB when that is so not the case. I said I would maybe bring it up again (which some people recommended doing) and now feel like a total asshole.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 852 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is not what they are trying to say Alyssa.What they are trying to tell you is that if you approach you BH again with this request, he will have to justify why he doesn't want you to be on there. This is not something he should have to do with you. You should understand why he doesn't want it. And you don't.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4940 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said I would maybe bring it up again (which some people recommended doing) and now feel like a total asshole

Only your BS gets to decide if you're an asshole or not!

I think lots of SI advocates eliminating the temptation, triggers, etc "tell the other BS so the AP will be monitored from that angle too!". Personally I think it is a lot more meaningful if you eliminate WHY you had the A instead of just the temptation.

I like FB too, for lots of extremely innocent reasons. Be we all know it can be a dangerous place if you're in the wrong mindset. None of us can tell how deeply your BS feels about this, but if it's something you care about, why not tell your BS that when or if he's ready, you'd like to have a joint account with him? Seems reasonable to me.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Mar 2014
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is it so hard to believe that maybe there aren't ulterior motives


Because you cheated on him and used Facebook to cheat.

I'm going to say that he will NEVER be okay with you being on Facebook.

I would not bring it up to him again. It makes you look selfish and uncaring.

Evidently you do not understand that pain you put him through.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssamd24

here is another perspective. picture if your BS was the one that had an A. and everytime he met OW he told you he was going to the library. And then after DDay he want to go to the library to get books to study. What kind of a trigger would that be to you? For myself, I would say "I don't give a crap about the books, no F'n library talk" Just a different perspective.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 627 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the perspectives..I do appreciate them but guess I was looking at it the wrong way. I understand why it is a trigger and why it would be disrespectful and hurtful to him if I brought up the conversation multiple times.....I guess maybe I just am in a different frame of mind.


I take offense to the comment that was made that I have no idea of the pain and hurt I have put him through....I understand very well the damage I have done to my M and family and to my BH. I think it is very unfair to make that assumption based on a single post.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 852 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

10yearsafter...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197926 | Registered: May 2002
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I take offense to the comment that was made that I have no idea of the pain and hurt I have put him through....I understand very well the damage I have done to my M and family and to my BH. I think it is very unfair to make that assumption based on a single post.
Take what you need and leave the rest.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5935 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Alyssa, BS here -

My H used FB as well. I didn't even know he had an account. He used it solely to cheat. I was completely thrown for a loop when it all came out. It's a major trigger for me still.

I'm only giving my experience and perspective here - please, take from it what you will and forget the rest. I'm not trying, in any way, to insult or hurt you. Having been in the same (or similar) position as your BH, I thought you might gain some insight. If not, feel free to ignore.

If my fWH asked me to reactivate his FB account, I'd say no. I would appreciate him asking instead of just doing it. It would show me that he was taking my feelings into account. If he asked again, and actually asked me why him having FB was an issue for me (paraphrasing something you wrote here), I would be very upset. My fWH knows why FB is an issue. For him to ask me to spell that out would be insulting to say the least.

This is me, and my relationship. I wouldn't mind the idea of a shared FB page. I would mind having to give details for why a solo page wasn't going to work for me.

If you're interested in the shared page, you might want to bring it up by saying 'remember the other day when I mentioned maybe re-activating my FB page? I understand completely why that's an issue for you. How would you feel about having a family page that we both could access at will? There are ways to see ALL activity, deleted or not, and I will only access it when you're around and able to see my activity." (assuming that would be acceptable to you).

This way, you're still expressing an interest while being sure to state you are taking his feelings into account first.

Again - I'm sharing this because of the similarities of situations. I hope you find some of this helpful, as that was my only goal.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 4:39 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 51
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