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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: fb and other social websites
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful past,
Thank you for the suggestion. I think that's a terrific idea.

I am not going to bring up the FB issue again....I guess maybe i didnt really think it through and really consider it....if so many people are telling me the same thing though then I need to pay attention to that.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with those who suggested a joint family page. That way everybody can see everything and there are no issues.

I never communicated with OM on Facebook, but I shut down my page and most other social media after D-day. For me it was more about not being triggered by seeing my "old life" go on without me.

Of course now everyone wants to know when I'm going back to FB. I've told them that when the X and I remarry and have kids, I will consider a joint page to share pictures with family in other parts of the country. My brother (who knows I cheated) thinks that's a totally dweeby thing to do, but fortunately I don't answer to him.

For what it's worth, I think I understand the point you were trying to make in why you'd ask your H to revisit the FB issue in the future. Kind of like if you're not given opportunity to prove you're trustworthy, how do you ever reestablish trust? I do get what you're saying on that angle. I just think there are much bigger hills to die on than FB, kwim?


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2319 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes heartbroken! !! Thats where I was coming from, thank you for putting it better than me!!!

And thanks for your input too!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Mrs Panda
♀ Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssa,

I am going to deviate from the theme here. Facebook didn't make you cheat. Neither did your cell phone, your car, the extra time you spent at the gym, the music you listened to.

BH hasn't taken away you phone, car, gym membership, music, etc,

Mr. Panda "IF YOU WANTED TO CHEAT, YOU WOULD CHEAT. NOTHING I COULD DO TO STOP IT."

I understand wanting FB for family pics etc. I am on there and I love seeing pics of friends and family. I also used FB for chat to OM. He is blocked. I had a serious FB stalking issue after DDay. (Me spying on OM page). See, I had to fix that shit myself. I have no urge to peek or unblock. I have no urge to breach boundaries with male friends.

My BH has no problem with me on FB other than he thinks it is stupid.

When I see joint accounts, I now assume that one of the people had an A. For that reason, I do not like them. But I do have BH in my profile pic :)

Alyssa I think you should respect your BH wishes, but also think you can ask why and even readdress in the future. It is a huge trigger for him, probably. For my BH, not so much.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful past,
Thank you for the suggestion. I think that's a terrific idea.

You're welcome! As a fellow New Englander, I have to ask:

Hawt enough fo' ya?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think its gonna get hotter as the week goes on!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I hear - but we're supposed to get some great storms later in the week, which means curling up with hubby and watching bad movies, so it ain't all bad.

Sorry for the T/J - back to your regularly scheduled program.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

See, I had to fix that shit myself. I have no urge to peek or unblock. I have no urge to breach boundaries with male friends.


This is what I agree with! This is exactly what I meant. Thank you Mrs Panda


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what I agree with! This is exactly what I meant. Thank you Mrs Panda

I agree with Mrs Panda too - but I have to admit, when I hear that 'ding' go off when a message or chat has come through, I cringe, literally. I turn to stone for a second. I know, I know, if he wants to cheat, he will. I can't stop it. But still, that was the main form of communication. It's how it started. It still stings, over 3 years after DDay. Right about now, they were hot in the middle of the A. There are a lot of triggers, but for whatever reason, FB is just a killer.

There's knowing a person can cheat if they want to, and there's taking a trigger that reminds someone that an A happened and waving it around the room. For you, the WS, you want to be able to show the changes you've made, and you'd welcome the opportunity to show you're trustworthy. For a BS, there are a million other ways to accomplish this without having the trigger flag flying.**

** this is my opinion. It's how I feel. I know others will feel differently. From the sounds of the initial post in this thread, it sounds like my opinion is similar to Alyssa's BH, but I don't know that as a certainty. For disclosure - this is only my opinion.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 7:14 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's knowing a person can cheat if they want to, and there's taking a trigger that reminds someone that an A happened and waving it around the room. For you, the WS, you want to be able to show the changes you've made, and you'd welcome the opportunity to show you're trustworthy. For a BS, there are a million other ways to accomplish this without having the trigger flag flying.*

This. Had HL not been empathetic to my pain over certain triggers, it would have shown me exactly where his head was. I was watching every action out of him in the early days, meaning the first year and a half lol.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PP,

What you wrote does make a lot of sense to me...I don't want to wave a trigger flag and make it any more difficult on my BH than I already have.

And thanks again to everyone else who responded. ..I do appreciate the input and now see that you all basically said exactly the same thing as painful....but for some reason her words clicked....


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 911 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 51
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