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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How other people see me
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Practice just saying "Thank you" to compliments. Such as:

New guy told me that I was very smart a few times, and I always responded "no I'm not."
Instead of saying "no I'm not" say "Thank you."

That's all. Accept the compliment.

And, here is the thing....if you are half-way attractive and a lawyer and have low confidence, you are going to attract predators that will use you for their own ego. If you are half-way attractive and a lawyer and have decent self confidence, you are going to intimidate some guys. That's okay, you don't want those anyway. But you will also attract some guys that can meet you on your own terms and appreciate what you have to offer. Those are the ones you want to date, get to know, and have relationships with.

Work on that self confidence. It will take a while to get the old soundtrack out of your head from what you dealt with growing up. YOu have to actively work on replacing it. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are smart, attractive, and have a lot to offer. It will take a while before you finally start to believe it, but you will. Keep at it! Then you can start dating again,and you will date an entirely different type of guy at that point.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15289 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Ms_Strong
♀ Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, from your post you sound like an intelligent, nice, attractive person. Tall, curvy and freckles - you sound so beautiful! I'm short and always wanted to be taller. I'm curvy and that I do like about myself!
Do people see you differently than you see yourself?

Yes. I see myself as a 6, not very pretty, but I know I dress stylishly and am funny and fun. I can be introverted too.
Others - men and women; some strangers, some friends often tell me that I'm gorgeous. My SO told me he had a crush on me for a long time before we dated. He tells me I'm a 10. I thought he was/is a 10 and way out of my league. I work out and have a good, healthy physique but I always think people are always disappointed when they see I'm not as pretty as they thought I was at first glance out of the corner of their eye. I think when they take a closer look they go "ugh"…I used to think when heads turn when I walk into a room that people are thinking about how weird I look. I don't think that anymore. Now, I think it's because I'm wearing something nice. Some days I even think I do look attractive. It's taken a long time to feel this way and I know I have a bit to go. I started feeling unattractive when I found out that my XH had been having affairs. I wrongly thought it was because I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, accomplished enough. The only thing I did know was that I was/am a clever, good and kind person.
How did you merge the versions of yourself into being the same?
Er, I'm working on it. Some people have said not to put so much value on what other people think - I have to respectfully disagree and say that it has helped me so much to hear from others that I'm attractive. I felt awkward hearing compliments but now I've learnt to say thank you, instead of pointing out my perceived shortcomings…
In time your confidence will grow. Learning to accept oneself is the first step and embrace your attributes. What I thought was 'yuck' about me, I was surprised that other people thought was beautiful. I have supportive friends and an SO who have patiently heard this. And it's more than OK to be quiet and hanging back sometimes. And sometimes you might feel you don't want to hang back all the time, so take that moment and say what you want to say and do what you want to do. The best thing is to be yourself, someone who is comfortable in their own skin is a very attractive quality.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are half-way attractive and a lawyer and have decent self confidence, you are going to intimidate some guys. That's okay, you don't want those anyway. But you will also attract some guys that can meet you on your own terms and appreciate what you have to offer. Those are the ones you want to date, get to know, and have relationships with.

Yeah, I think that's part of my problem too. My xwSO told me in counseling that part of the reason that he cheated was because he thought I was too good for him, he didn't feel like a man, and the OW did. He thought my job was better than his. Ironically, I always felt lucky to be with him, and never said anything at all to make him feel that way. But, it's stuck with me. I don't want a guy to feel less than me. So when new guy said "you're an attorney, you're smart," my automatic response was "no I'm not." I tried to make myself seem "normal" so that he wouldn't feel intimidated. I don't see myself as some super smart person, and I don't want to be viewed that way by men because the men always get intimidated and weirded out by it. I have the same problems with money. New guy made a few comments about how I must do well for myself, and I never told him how much I make because it was such an issue with my xwSO. I've always dated men who are less educated than me and make less money than me. I don't care AT ALL, and I see myself on that same level. I don't know, it's weird.

Thanks for sharing your story Ms. Strong. I guess it's just a slow process of changing the way you think about yourself, and I'm working on it.

I think my trip to Paris is going to be a great start. It'll force me to talk to people, and put myself out there. And it's a big deal for me to go alone. I went on the cruise with my xwSO a week after Dday because I was too scared to travel alone. This is me trying to be different I guess.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

.
So when new guy said "you're an attorney, you're smart," my automatic response was "no I'm not." I tried to make myself seem "normal" so that he wouldn't feel intimidated. I don't see myself as some super smart person, and I don't want to be viewed that way by men because the men always get intimidated and weirded out by it.
See, I think that is a big part of your problem. You are trying to make yourself "less than" in order to appease these guys. The problem isn't you, it is them. A lot of guys will be intimidated. Again, why would you want those? Why would you want a guy that you feel you have to downplay your strong points? That is a HORRIBLE way to live.

Wait for the good ones. Don't downplay yourself. Be proud of your accomplishments. You make a decent salary? AWESOME! There are some guys that will think that is really cool. There are some guys that are comfortable enough in their own shoes that you won't have to pretend to be less than. These are the types of guys that will encourage you to succeed and do your best. That is what you want.

It took me a long time to find one of those. They are out there, but it takes time to find one.

I stupidly dated a guy, a few years back, that told me, before dating, that I intimidate men. He said I had 3 strikes against me; attractive, intelligent, and independent. (Looking back, even the way he phrased that...3 strikes against me....seriously? Those are good things. He made them into a negative). I didn't change for him though and we didn't last more than a month or two. He ended up with someone that did not have 3 strikes against them, and I guess he feels less intimidated. Like you, I didn't hold it against him, I liked him for who he was. He didn't like himself enough, though, and his insecurity would have caused a lot of issues between us. I'm glad it didn't work out!

Don't downplay your strengths. Walk tall, hold your head up, be proud of your accomplishments. Sooner or later, you will attract someone who thinks you are all that and will be comfy enough in his own shoes to appreciate all you have to offer.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15289 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't downplay your strengths. Walk tall, hold your head up, be proud of your accomplishments. Sooner or later, you will attract someone who thinks you are all that and will be comfy enough in his own shoes to appreciate all you have to offer.

Yeah, I'm starting to see that. The conversation on Saturday night with my friend's boyfriend was eye opening for me. It was the first time that I thought that maybe I didn't have to downplay myself in order to attract a man.

I personally don't care about things like money and jobs, as long as the guy is happy with himself. I didn't really notice myself downplaying myself until the guy pointed it out Saturday, and now I see it clearly. I think I do it without even thinking about it because things like money and jobs don't matter to me. So now that I see it, maybe I can be more conscious about not doing it.

That of course has me worried that I'll never meet anyone in my area. I live in a small town, and there aren't many professional jobs here. I know when I've limited OLD results in the past to men who have bachelor's degrees and make at least 50k, I get like 3 results.

So, I'm going to brag on myself a little bit. I just found out today that I won an appeal in one of my cases in the court of appeals! My name is now out there on case law!


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on the appeal!

Just curious, do you ever think about moving to a larger area?


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeahhhhhhh LG!
Imposter syndrome, know it well.
I may be going to work for a company where I noticed, they only seem to hire good looking people. Thought, well maybe I a m smart enough to counteract the lack of looks. And then it hit me later, maybe they didn't think I was ugly? Could it be?

Definitely understand how you feel and think its great that you are making yourself reevaluate your own self opinion.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've considered it, but I honestly love my job. It's exactly what I've always wanted to do since high school, and the people that I work with are amazing. In listening to friends' talk about the firms they work for, it scares me to move since my job is so good right now. All the men in my office are very polite with good boundaries, and I've had very different experiences in the past with firms I've interned for. Plus, I would have to take a pay cut.

With that said, most of my friends only stay for a year or two until they move to a bigger city. One girl was single here for 2 years, and finally moved because she couldn't find a decent man even though she loved her job. Within 3 months of moving, she met someone great. I've been here four years now, and dated two guys during that time. The cheating ex and new guy.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe time to put a few networking feelers out there to see if you could find an equally good opportunity elsewhere? You never know until you look


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thing is though, you never really know if its an equally good position until you get there. Even if I found something making the same money and doing the same type of work, I wouldn't know what the office atmosphere was like until I got there. At this point, it's just not a risk I want to take. I have an amazing job and amazing friends, and it's not worth the risk right now. I guess when it really comes down to it, I do choose my own happiness over being with a guy. Wow, did I just say that?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
annanew
♀ Member
Member # 43693
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Agree with NaiveAgain on taking compliments.

I have found that if you repeatedly tell people you're not smart and not pretty and not interesting.... eventually, they start to believe you. You can create a dysfunctional relationship pretty quickly this way.



Happy single mom to a sweet little girl.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is interesting because I am always surprised when I hear somebody talking about me. The rumour is at work that I am super organized...most days I have to use my personal phone to phone my work phone because it is under a pile of crap on my desk. I get given a lot of other positive qualities at work that make we wonder.


divorced!

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
Topic Posts: 32
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