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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WH told me I crossed the line
steppingup
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Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, that is just insane. He needs to have his head examened.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1


Posts: 652 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
painfulpast
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are assuming that affairs are rational. They are, practically by definition, irrational. The dangers/repercussions were theoretical for most waywards. If most waywards were thinking clearly, as you describe, then they wouldn't do what they did. (And, no one would get fat, and no one would get addicted to anything, because we are all nothing but rational creatures.)

BG - at best, you're apologetic for the WS. First, I don't buy the 'irrational, foggy' bit. Yes, there is an element of fantasy, but so what. These are adults, no? The WS knew enough to hide the relationship, lie about their whereabouts, use a fake name on the cell phone for AP, etc. They were absolutely thinking clearly - they hid it because they knew.

IF (and this is a big IF) I'm going to give any leeway due to being irrational, I'm going to give a hell of a lot more to a new BS and their irrational behavior.

Forgive me, but your posts, particularly in this thread, seem almost as if you've come to a full understanding of the WS, and yet have forgotten completely what it's like to be a BS. I understand the WS - the fantasy, the escape, the feelings of excitement and all of it. I don't excuse it. As I said, they knew enough to hide it, to lie, to gaslight. The WS is very aware of what they are risking. I will not let them off the hook with some made up definition of an affair. It is not 'irrational'. It is 'betrayal'. The betrayed does in fact become irrational, suffer from physical and emotional trauma, and is the one, imo, that deserves more, not less, empathy and understanding. The WS is a WS voluntarily. The BS was thrown into this pit without warning or desire. I'm not sure why you've forgotten some of this, and maybe you haven't, but your posts tend to say that you favor understanding the WS over the BS. On that, we'll have to disagree, because while I may have empathy for the WS, it will never, ever, come close to the empathy I feel for the BSs here and elsewhere.

And I'll say it again - a BS saying they wish they'd left, to me, isn't remotely close to the line. Sorry, but it's just not. It's a consequence that was known well in advance, hence the sneaking, lying, gaslighting, etc. Now the piper is discussing payment, and the WS is scared. Boofuckinghoo.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 3:11 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
RidingHealingRd
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Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j

If most waywards were thinking clearly, as you describe, then they wouldn't do what they did

Bionicgal...In what way is a Wayward not thinking clearly?

Are they confused as to their marital status when they engage in sex with another person?

Are they confused about what actions make a person happy vs completely devastated?

Seriously, I do not understand this "not thinking clearly" ~ I see this as a poor excuse.

My WH knew that what he was about to do was WRONG and was well aware that it would be extremely hurtful. He even stated that he was concerned that if I did find out I would divorce him (isn't that why the WS are not open about their A?). He was thinking clearly. He was being a selfish prick who thought he would not get caught because he is so skilled at deception.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 3:44 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Nov 2011
LostAngry
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Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with painfulpast and RHR. WS rationally make justifications as to why they deserve to have an affair. They plan, scheme and devise lies to cover up their activities. They want the fun and games without the consequences. It is not the *fog* or irrational thinking or unclear thinking that leads to an affair or covering up actions while in the affair. It is making a decision to behave badly and also try to cheat the consequences.

CD, you didn't go too far or cross any lines. Many BS have thoughts of *it would be better if I left* and it is completely acceptable to state those thoughts and feelings. After all, you would not be having them had your spouse stayed faithful. It is now his job to hear the hard truth, and that hard truth is at times we, as betrayeds, look and know life might be better without the extra weight and burden of our WS.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
peoplepleaser
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Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is all so subjective. Everyone has great points here, though I disagree that it is appropriate to verbally attack or assault anyone. While it's not appropriate, it IS understandable and given the situation that occurs between a WS and BS, a remorseful WS would be willing to give some allowances.

I do agree with bionicgal, and after reading the posts it seems that she might just have struggled to explain why she said what she said.

First, there is no concrete line. Every couple and every situation is different. This argument and the statement in particular are nuanced by the context in which it occurred.

Your WS said you crossed a line. He gets to determine where HIS lines are. That is one for him. You are free to argue the legitimacy of that line based on the pain he caused you.

Your WS tried to ask for some space. I disagree with the notion that WS's should ALWAYS be available to talk about the A. That's a great ideal and if they can it is wonderful for helping the BS heal. However, our WS's are people with their own emotions, frustrations and limits. One might even argue that their brokenness gets in the way of their ability to express and fully feel remorse for their actions a lot of the time, rendering them less capable of shouldering, witnessing and processing our pain. I'm not saying this is right, I'm just recognizing that it tends to exist.

If our aim in communicating with our WS's is to punish them or shame them, then communicating in this way is a good way to do it. If the aim is to gather actual information or find an emotional connection, this form of communication is going to create barriers.

IMHO when we decide to R we make the decision to come together as a team and work toward increasing communication by respecting each others emotional safety and communication styles toward a better connection. To that end, continuing conversations when one person clearly states they are not in a good space for it is disrespectful. And I think you saw how poorly that worked, as it turned into an argument and your need for compassion or validation was not only not met, but negative feelings were exacerbated.

Early in the process we have a great deal of pain. This is a huge trauma. Communication sucks, as we are reeling. It is to be expected that we will lash out, say horrible things, throw the As in the face of the WS every time they express their own feeling or need, etc, etc. At some point, though, a shift needs to occur in which both people see the A as something that happened to "us" and approach it as such.

Did you do anything wrong saying what you said? I don't know. It's not for me to judge. Only you know that. It seems an appropriate thing to say in the interest of sharing your thoughts and feelings openly. The way in which it was said or the timing of it (the delivery) might have been the main problem.

Having read some of your other posts, though, it seems that you are doing much of the work. Your attempts to engage him in the healing process are causing you further pain. If he can't be what you need right now, forcing the issue will only cause more hurt and resentment making R more difficult in the long run. You have some difficult choices to make.

Keep in mind, I struggled with this, too. Every time WS said anything about her feelings or difficulty in our relationship I responded with, "Really? You tell ME about (whatever it was)? Who f%^ked someone with their phone?" I was angry. Yes, she deserved it. Did it help? Not really. I'm not sure responding differently at the time would have helped, either. Distance is what helped. Her having time on her own to figure out what was really important.

Communication is a huge issue for all couples. Figuring out how to communicate better will be important for R. And it sucks to have to do your own work and watch what you say when you are struggling from the trauma of someone else's damaging decisions that wrecked your life as you knew it and in which you had no control.


WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 835 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are free to argue the legitimacy of that line based on the pain he caused you.

Respectfully, this line should read:

You are free to argue the legitimacy of that line based on and compared to the actions he deemed acceptable

This is a man that had an affair. If that is a 'line' he's willing to cross, he's got some serious ego issues if someone saying they would rather not be in the pain his actions caused is 'over the line'.

The line is determined by a person's own actions - he felt an A was 'ok', so a statement saying someone doesn't want the pain from his A isn't over the line.

Sorry - but while I agree verbal abuse isn't ok, I disagree vehemently with anyone saying a BS wishing they had left (instead of being in this amount of pain) is abusive. It may not be something a WS wants to hear, but not wanting to hear something does NOT make it abusive.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 5:01 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Dare2Trust
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Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ChinaDoll,

You stated- "You aren't sure what answers you're looking for...and you asked for poster's insight.

I agree: You didn't step over any line; and your WH's response to you was hurtful and inappropriate.

I took the time to read all of your posts before replying - and wanted to offer a few comments:
You'v made positive steps to help you deal with your WH's very destructive, hurtful adulterous affair.
--You are also dealing with your WH's drug addiction to prescription medications and his, recent 3rd hospitalization for REHAB.
--You are seeing your own IC and both you and your WH are seeing a MC.
--You are going to ALANON.
--You will receive your RN degree in December
--You were briefly hospitalized to gain control of your own Depression.

Throughout these positive steps you've taken to help you deal with your WH's continuous drug addiction and his 3 REHABs - you've been a SAHM with 3 children, including a 9month old Baby.

Can I ask:
What exact steps has your WH taken to HELP YOU HEAL from the destructive CHOICES he's made in this marriage, and the ongoing pain he's caused you?

Everything isn't about HIM; and his Rehab. OR, if your questions come at a time when he may be feeling "fragile."

Personally - I'd be enraged if I was home with 3 young children while my husband was in REHAB for the 3rd time; and during his treatment period his focus wasn't 100% on getting CLEAN AND SOBER; ....Rather than WH finding the time in REHAB to develop a "relationship" with his to-be-affair OW.

So, I'd feel entitled to have ALL OF MY QUESTIONS about my WH's affair answered any time I asked them...day or night!

I wanted to add:
You posted that your WH's affair was "outed to you by the OW's betrayed husband."
And you still have some contact with OW Betrayed Husband..."and he's doing a lot of rug-sweeping regarding the affair; and he really doesn't answer any of your questions.

I have two comments about this topic:
--You need to remain aware that your husband did not end this affair on his own because he felt guilty and knew it was wrong; and he came to you and "confessed."
--You must remember: NO CONTACT means exactly that - No Contact.
So - I would suggest that you end all contact with the OW's husband. He has nothing more to add to your situation...and all of your affair questions need to be answered by your husband.

Congratulations on your upcoming RN Degree in December - that is a wonderful accomplishment!
AND - as you posted - You will now have the ability to be a self-sufficient woman, financially...IF your WH will not make THE CHOICE to end his DRUG ADDICTION and take the correct steps to fix this infidelity mess he made!


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6188 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to state right off that I don't think the original poster crossed any sort of rational line that's worth commenting on. The fact that her WS has deemed it a line tells me he's probably a pretty big fucking wuss, but that's just my take.

That said, I also believe 100% that the WS has the right to set whatever wuss boundaries they want. They're still human beings and still have the right to be butt-hurt, self-involved little pansies who are all about themselves and their boo-boos if they want to be (i.e., the sorts of people for whom "boundaries" is listed in the dictionary as a synonym for "manipulation".)

As the BS, you can choose to respect those boundaries and try to work with your WS on expressing your hurt in a way that doesn't violate their terms...or you can realize exactly the sort of person you're dealing with and use that information to make informed decisions about whether this is really the sort of person worth investing in for the next x number of years until they grow themselves the fuck up.

(I was never very good at the whole "safe place for your WS to express themselves emotionally" rhetoric, so you might keep that in mind if attempting to put anything I've said into practice.)

BTW, does your husband ever stand on the bed in his underwear and shout "Respect mah authoritah!"...because this story definitely gives him a Cartman vibe, which makes me curious.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 6:46 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
painfulpast
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Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW, does your husband ever stand on the bed in his underwear and shout "Respect mah authoritah!"...because this story definitely gives him a Cartman vibe, which makes me curious.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
rachelc
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Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(I was never very good at the whole "safe place for your WS to express themselves emotionally" rhetoric, so you might keep that in mind if attempting to put anything I've said into practice.)

oh God, i love it when WAL shows up. Word on this quote, and I say that as a WS. Throw water in my face in the middle of the night if you need to talk, I don't give a shit. We have each other's back or we don't. Case closed.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5520 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
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Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I'll say it again - a BS saying they wish they'd left, to me, isn't remotely close to the line. Sorry, but it's just not. It's a consequence that was known well in advance, hence the sneaking, lying, gaslighting, etc. Now the piper is discussing payment, and the WS is scared. Boofuckinghoo.

Respectfully, painfulpast, it is really her WS that determines his line, not you or me. And I wasn't saying that she did cross the line, as much as I am saying he felt that way, and that he has a right as a human being in a relationship to feel that way, and that she needs to hear it, whether she can honor it now or not. I am assuming they are both there voluntarily at this point.

And:

and yet you have forgotten completely what it's like to be a BS.

I find this humorous. Read my posts in this thread carefully and without reactivity, and I think you'll see you are incorrect. I am not going to go through the effort of making an argument about it, or defending myself, but that is quite a thing to say.

Irrational does not mean someone did not betray someone. Irrational does not mean they are not responsible, not accountable, or anything of that nature. Irrational means they were not thinking like you or I are now when they did what they did, and that one can waste a lot of time and energy imagining they were. It doesn't, however, excuse it.

I do have beliefs about infidelity that may not jive with you or your situation, or anyone else's for that matter. That is fine. I do think the things I said regarding looking at both sides in an argument such as CD was describing is something most professionals would support, and is certainly what our MC would have advised.

So, if one merely wants a big "rah rah" about BSes having carte blanche to say what they want to waywards, then I suppose one need not read my posts. But since this is the Reconciliation forum, I do think I can post here with both sides in mind -- with not just a hurt BS in mind, but a hopefully someday reconciled couple in mind. Because in the end, for a successful reconciliation, you do, indeed, need to hear both sides, regardless of how horribly a wayward may have behaved.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:46 PM, June 30th (Monday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2156 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
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Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peoplepleaser,
Yes, to your whole post. I feel a little less alone tonight!


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2156 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sinsof thefather
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Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to state right off that I don't think the original poster crossed any sort of rational line that's worth commenting on. The fact that her WS has deemed it a line tells me he's probably a pretty big fucking wuss, but that's just my take.

That said, I also believe 100% that the WS has the right to set whatever wuss boundaries they want. They're still human beings and still have the right to be butt-hurt, self-involved little pansies who are all about themselves and their boo-boos if they want to be (i.e., the sorts of people for whom "boundaries" is listed in the dictionary as a synonym for "manipulation".)

As the BS, you can choose to respect those boundaries and try to work with your WS on expressing your hurt in a way that doesn't violate their terms...or you can realize exactly the sort of person you're dealing with and use that information to make informed decisions about whether this is really the sort of person worth investing in for the next x number of years until they grow themselves the fuck up.

Exactly.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
mozzchops
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Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 3:18 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I also crossed the line last night.
It was late, I was tired. Not in a good place the last few days.

So we are in bed and she asks if I want to have sex. I declined and said I was tired, not really in a good place.

Her response?

"Well if your going to reject me then I won't try again"

Reject! How about the massive rejection you did against me!


The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Unagie
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Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:58 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I rarely post in R anymore but something about this thread made me want to respond. Firstly to Chinadoll you crossed no lines, he sounds like he was just not in the mood to interact and was already a bit frustrated by the continued conversation.

Secondly while I feel BS's on here have been hurt unbearably and deserve the utmost sympathy, empathy and support I have read some threads where I feel people cross the line. Eventually and not as early out as Chinadoll is but eventually you have to realize that your WS (if they are remorseful) has feelings, emotions and boundaries of their own. In particular remorseful WS have made major changes in thinking and how they view themselves and the world. My ex said things that scarred me and I accepted most of it but there were times I would tell him what you just said hurt me. He'd be angry and I would explain myself. Whether he accepted it or not does not change how it legitimately made me feel.

Thirdly to say to another BS that she no longer understands what it feels like to be a BS because she is trying to express her opinion on interactions between WS and BS is incredibly insulting. Reading that I felt like you took what she went through and made it inconsequential because she had a different opinion.

Lastly we must all eventually get to a place where the A is not every conversation and not the response to all negative communication while in R. There will be times when WS's may say something stupid or negative that have nothing to do with the A, immediately comparing that to their actions during the A is not fair and will not solve anything. Do I understand what they did to their BS is not fair yes absolutely but that goes back to the point I'm trying to make in general. Life is going to be negative, ugly, unfair and terrible sometimes but when one incident has nothing to do with another it should not be brought into the current situation.

All of the above is just my opinion and ymmv.

[This message edited by Unagie at 5:45 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2802 | Registered: Oct 2012
BrokenButTrying
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Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see both side of this, I really can. It's such a grey area and different for every couple.

I do agree with BG, once in R there has to come a point where the venting stops. The couple must learn to communicate their feelings without resorting to hurtful comments. R is about rebuilding the marriage, no? Comments about wishing you had divorced and started dating, delivered in that manner in that particular argument are destructive, no matter how truthful they are.

I get the whole truth speaking thing. It is important for the BS to have their feelings heard, even if they are uncomfortable. Learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings is a must for any wayward. But a way must be found for those feelings to be expressed without taking chunks out of the WS and the M.

CD, your WH handled that conversation all wrong. You crossed a line in the context of telling him that information but the actaul content of what you were saying is your truth and you didn't cross a line by saying it. He should hear that stuff, absolutely. He should comfort you and validate you because he should be able to hear the pain behind those words. He should be proactive in healing you and the M.

I guess my point is, tell him how you feel but work together to improve you communication techniques.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
littlemiss1
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Member # 43465
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can also see both sides.

I like to shout rant and rave sometines it makes me feel better.I think he deserves everything he gets.

When I'm done though I look at this sad man infrony of me who seems broken.

Last night we talked and I asked how he felt when I do this.

His reply " I deserve eveything you throw at me,I'll take it because I'm sorry for what I've done'
I live every day in fear that you will leave me,when I get home from work on so relieved to see you are still here.
This was said through tears.

Bionic gal I can see that my words hurt him.
I know I say them to hurt,because I'm angry.
But sometimes I know I need to think about what in saying because I know they are empty threats about leaving the difference is he doesn't.
If a wh is truly truly sorry and wants to put things right with every breath they take then at some point I need to stop this cycle .
It makes me feel good for 5mins then we sit and cry broken together.
My husband doesn't deal with emotions well so I can see my behaviour doesn't help us in the long run.

Xx



Posts: 79 | Registered: May 2014
confused615
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Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone said a WS can not have boundaries, lines, etc. I DO think when a newly betrayed spouse is told "I have boundaries..you crossed a line" it hits a BS as hypocritical..oh..NOW you have boundaries with ME..but you had no boundaries with her." So, shortly after dday, while they can have boundaries, I think it's perfectly understandable that that sentence would piss a newly betrayed spouse off.

Of course they have feelings, and they can be hurt.

I also think a WS, shortly after dday, should try to understand that a BS is in whirlwind of pain, and when we express that pain it doesn't necessarily equate to "abuse." Ascendant posted about this in the betrayed menz thread. He said it perfectly. I wish I could find it..but it's early and Ive had no coffee.

I see it quite often on the wayward forum. Usually a WW. "My BH is being mean to me..he is abusing me." How? What is he doing? "He's saying mean things to me." Like what? And, quite often, the "abuse" is nothing more than their BH crying, venting, and being angry that his wife has been out screwing his best friend. I mean..how dare he be mad and yell and hurt her feelings..right?

If you read a few of the OP's posts, you will see that while her WH is transparent, and NC, that's about it. She tries to talk and he gets pissed. He gets exasperated. She needs answers and he isn't giving them to her.


I agree. Eventually in R the venting needs to stop. But, maybe that should be after they have talked it through..a few times..after he has answered her questions..a few times(because a BS is so traumatized by the WS's actions they have trouble processing the information the first few times). She is a few months out from dday. The pain is still very fresh.

WAL said it best.

That said, I also believe 100% that the WS has the right to set whatever wuss boundaries they want. They're still human beings and still have the right to be butt-hurt, self-involved little pansies who are all about themselves and their boo-boos if they want to be (i.e., the sorts of people for whom "boundaries" is listed in the dictionary as a synonym for "manipulation".)

As the BS, you can choose to respect those boundaries and try to work with your WS on expressing your hurt in a way that doesn't violate their terms...or you can realize exactly the sort of person you're dealing with and use that information to make informed decisions about whether this is really the sort of person worth investing in for the next x number of years until they grow themselves the fuck up.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7915 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Chinadoll30
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Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you ALL for your insights. I had WH read most of then as well. Truth be told, I am feeling more hopeless than ever. He is in IC, and so am I. Actually I go today which is fortuitous. But something seems to have kicked me in the seat of the pants and plopped me right into 180 world. I'm just not doing it anymore. I'm not reading to make sense or figure out what we should do next. I'm not trying to psychoanalyze him. I'm just not interested. This place feels very dark and lonely. But I just CAN'T anymore. I just can't.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
bionicgal
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Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Chinadoll))
I am sorry this thread turned into such a theoretical argument. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what any of us should do. I would just say have faith in yourself, breathe, and keep going.

Sometimes in exercise class when it gets super hard and I think I am at my physical limit, my instructor says: "yes...This is what it is supposed to feel like." So, know your feelings are normal, and that you are not alone. You are a living, breathing loving person, and that is why thus hurts. But, it does get better
Hang in there.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2156 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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