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User Topic: WH told me I crossed the line
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Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:31 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
I think I can
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Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL!!!! Good to see you.

Chinadoll. The 180 sounds like a good place for you right now while you ponder.

I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8845 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I think you're making progress. One of the first steps in recovering from this is to focus on yourself - feeling your feelings, figuring out what you want, seeing if your H will deliver, negotiating boundaries.

Sounds like you're about there. It may seem lonely at first - wait a bit, and you'll feel stronger than you ever have before.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10580 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
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Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha! I just realized that the thread actually played out the aspects of their argument. We are talking about two different things here. First, the need to communicate effectively in the relationship and second, the emotional turmoil of the BS early after DDay and their right(?) to express it openly and have it be well received. I ascribe to both. In the end if a BSs goal is to communicate effectively and avoid more pain there are difficult and seemingly unfair decisions and choices to be made with regard to communication. This situation happens to most of us. Simply put, the WS was not in a good space to receive the emotions of the BS and even said so. The BS was overwhelmed and pushed the issue, resulting in painful responses between both of them. That just "is" what happened free from value judgments. If you add a the emotions, context, and history then simple statements take on greater meaning, leading to even more intense emotional responses.

Should the WS respond favorably every time the BS has a thought or feeling to share in response to the trauma they are navigating? Absolutely. But is that realistic, especially so early on? Probably usually not.

Should the WS, as a partner in a relationship in R be able to declare that they are not in a good space for a difficult discussion? Of course they should. Are they meeting the needs of their WS when they do? No. When we were struggling with this it helped to have my WS tell me she would be better able to talk the next day.

There is so much understandable venom and anger expressed by the BSs on this thread. I get it. I have it too. In our case my WS suffered from not sharing her needs, thoughts or feelings. When she was not in a good space it was extremely difficult for me, but I had to remember that she was doing something new by recognizing it and sharing it. This situation may be different, but I would bet money that most if the relationship issues before the As were due in large part to breakdowns on effective communication.

I'm sorry that his inability to meet your needs has led to using the 180. However, I think that will be extremely helpful for you. I remember it teaching me that I could fulfill my own needs when overwhelmed with emotions instead of placing demands on my WS. It will help you regardless of his ability to come back to R offering everything you need.

R is a gift. One that we give ourselves in honor of the relationship potential we see in each other following this traumatic experience. Based on your other posts, he hadn't proven that potential yet, but rest assured it is something that happened to both of you. Separation and D are also gifts we can give ourselves based on the potential of the relationship. You don't deserve any more pain from him, and I'm happy to see you honoring yourself in that way be embracing the 180.

And mozzchops, that SAME thing happened to me! I was flabbergasted that because I was in an insecure place AND voiced it she accused ME of rejection. I wanted to scream, "you don't know what rejection is until someone who professed to love, care, and protect you used their phone to f$&k your close friend and do it in front of you while rejecting your need for intimacy while you battle depression!" I didn't say that, of course, but it did turn I to a few week discussion. Ultimately I think our WSs are constantly afraid we will reject them and leave. They are feeling unworthy, disgusting and shameful. It's probably difficult to vulnerably seek intimacy from us, so when we aren't in that space it creates overwhelming fears. It doesn't make it ok, as they should work on that and gains healthier perspective. Man it was a mindf$&k thoughts have WS accuse me of rejection at all. So difficult not to bite. It was one of the few things I left alone and proceeded calmly later.

WS: 39
BS: 39
DS: 6
9 year relationship
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013 with TT
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011 with TT
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 835 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
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Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is more nuanced than that. Just because you were hurt, doesn't mean you can't hurt others, and that at some point we have to take ownership of that.

I know this was a few pages back but I agree (assuming you mean "Just because you were hurt doesn't mean you CAN hurt others" because, I dunno, validating pain from lashing out isn't what I am agreeing with).

This, however:

. So back to last night. I was so upset, so angry at him, so hurt by his lies that I said "I wish I had just listed the house and gone ahead with the divorce and started dating". And he replied "you just crossed a line". (This was after much negative back and forth). And I lost it. Screaming "I crossed a line by saying I would date?!?! You f-ing did it!!!!!! You tell me I crossed a line???". Only with a lot more vulgarity and profanity.

Is not a good example of inflicting pain that way. What it is a good example of is a cheater blameshifting his bullshit with a whiny crock of poor-me. He said she crossed a line when she said she should have gone ahead with the divorce and started dating - basically, she made a mistake to try because he took that trust and abused it a second time.

There is no line that was crossed there. There was no pain thrown out. That was him being things I just realized I can't say because we're in the R forum.

The screaming and shit after that statement is not relevant to that statement, because it came after the line comment.

Finally, if his boundaries are such that she cannot express her frustration and disappointment without carefully couching it to salve his ego, then I'm inclined to agree with her original assessment. She should have gone and got a D and started dating. Yes, he gets to set that line, but when you present your boundaries as wheeled goalposts like that it's really, really easy to score.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7575 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
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Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS doesn't like hearing that, after such a deep betrayal the BS has thoughts of just walking, then the WS is in some pretty heavy denial.

After the destruction they willingly brought into the marriage, they'd have to have their head firmly up their ass to think the BS didn't think of leaving, or other similar thoughts. If that scares the WS, tough shit! If they were so scared, they wouldn't have cheated.

I agree with, Pastthelies' post, In its entirety.

It's so true, too. If the wayward doesn't like hearing the BS thoughts or the expression of their pain, that's not constructive.

I see it a lot though on infidelity forums. A former wayward spouse will become unglued over a true but unflattering statement the faithful spouse said.

It just shows that they are not "getting it".

ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
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Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I, too, was told early on that I crossed the line. It was during a period of some heavy duty TT. My FWH was not willing to talk about his affair at all. He even went as far as saying the priest he saw for confession days after DDay told him never to talk about it. (Nice try, Sherlock!..he later told me that was yet another lie.)

I think that in the beginning, many Waywards have so much trouble facing the ugliness of their behaviors in the light of day.
The shame and guilt and all of the other emotions become overwhelming and just too much. At some point, they need to own and understand the consequences of such behavior.

It needs to be done in a constructive way. It's not something that is accomplished easily. It takes intestinal fortitude.
This R stuff, it's not a sprint, it's a freakin marathon. With compassion on both sides if the fence.

Recently, the OW broke NC by text. My H did the correct thing and showed me immediately. I burst into tears. I triggered! But, you know what,? It was clearly out of the blue, and he was able to communicate calmly how he was triggered and angry, too! I really respect that!

Married 32 years
OW-Mr. Ed ish! Seriously!
DDAY- 2/21/09
TT until 1/10/10
Working on R and doing well!!

Posts: 180 | Registered: Mar 2010
Topic Posts: 47
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