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User Topic: Should I tell OW husband?
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just saw you recently posted. How is the divorce going? Did you tell the other spouse yet?


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Alwaysacheater74
♀ New Member
Member # 43060
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I have not. As of now I don't intend to. I need to move forward and feel that telling will come with the price of my happiness and my children's happiness. Maybe in time when I have healed but I really don't want to invite her willingly back into my life. All has been quiet and that is what I need. From what I hear her marriage is rocky and so I would like to think karma will get her and leave me out of it. I know people disagree but really where I am at in life - successful, beautiful kids, nice home, able to support myself and my kids without help if needed - it seems silly to potentially do something to upset that. I don't need anymore drama - unfortunately an OW will always be drama.


WS - 41, still in contact with AP
BS - 40


Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Crazy land
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do disagree, but I can respect that. I am glad that your life is peaceful now. Good luck!


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 933 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A data point for your consideration: I struggled with this mightily as well. The A was over AFAIK but I resented that I was holding this secret, in effect protecting the OM and my own WW. I didn't want revenge. Didn't really want to have anything to do with them. But I hated that there was a woman out there who likely was suffering much the way I had suffered for months. I had wished that someone had told me so I wouldn't have hurt so much during my false R.

So I told. The OBS thanked me. A lot. Told me she felt so much better, that things now made sense. That she thought she was going crazy.

After that, the OM complained to my WW via a secret "emergecy" phone number, and she was irritated that I had exposed their A.

That was one of the things that indicated to me that she didn't understand what it would take to R the marriage, and now she's my STBXWW. So my effort came with the benefit of additional insight into the viability of my own M.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 644 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With all due respect, this isn't all about you, AlwaysaCheater.

Sometimes we need to take a wider world view past our own noses and show our fellow human beings a little compassion if we have the capacity to do so. And you have vital information that affects an innocent man greatly.

Why are you keeping the OW's secret FOR her? That's exactly what you're doing. She probably thanks you every day for it.

A lot of us wish someone could have done the right thing and told us of our spouse's affair BEFORE we had a child with them or before we entered into a huge financial commitment with them. This type of information can change the course of someone's life for the better.

Lastly, your motives for telling the BH don't mean a damned thing because it's not about you. Your motives - whether they're good, bad or downright evil DON'T CHANGE THE IMPORTANCE of this information to the BH.

It's very clear you're angry at your husband and feel as though you've suffered enough for this mess he created, but the BH is INNOCENT - just like you. And he deserves to know.

Just like you did.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to tell you a story.

At about 2 years after Dday I got to thinking about OMs BW. That she deserved to know.

WW told me that his BW was some heartless bitch that wouldnt have sex with OM. That she cheated on him many times. It was that which held me back from contacting her.

But I continued to think about her. Then I did some investigating and got her phone number and one day I called her.

She was nice on the phone. I asked if she knew about the LTA. and she answered YES but that ended 5 years ago. She said she had confronted her WH and he confessed and cut contact with my WW. She said she didnt contact me because WH told her that I was violent and would likely hurt or kill my WW.

I told her that the LTA actually ended 3 years after she thought it did. OM and WW had taken it underground and the EA&PA continued.

She was upset of course and we agreed to meet for lunch to compare notes.

We met and she was such a nice lady. Attractive and slim. Very soft spoken and just a genuinely nice person. We talked and shared info. During our convo she paused and said that I was NOTHING like her WH told her that I was.

So IMO what we think we know about the other BS is likely a lie.

Affairs can go underground and continue if both BSs are not told.

Just a story from my experience. YMMV


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I hated that there was a woman out there who likely was suffering much the way I had suffered for months.

I had wished that someone had told me so I wouldn't have hurt so much during my false R.

I agree. I, too, initially did not want to get involved with the OWs marriage, but then I remembered that I only learned of the affair because someone was kind enough to send me an anonymous letter.

I was so much happier knowing. Because, yes, my wayward was acting odd during the affair, but I thought it was job stress.

When I got the letter things finally made sense.

Affairs thrive in secrecy.

If more people would inform the faithful spouses if they knew about an affair, I think fewer people would have affairs.

Right now society at large is guilty of the "conspiracy of silence" when it comes to affairs.

Also, her husband will be another pair of eyes that prevents the two from taking the affair underground.

Once caught, some waywards become expert at hiding the affair better.

[This message edited by seethelight at 1:33 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1220 | Registered: May 2014
Want2help
♀ Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a concerned acquaintance (that knew both me and OW) hadn't called me and told me, I'd probably still be in the dark about my FWS's affair. Who knows how long I'd have been "sharing" with another woman.

Ask yourself this: would would YOU like to be the spouse in the dark, with all 3 of the other spouses (BH, WS, and OW) knowing and keeping it from YOU?


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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