we were talking about how I still struggle through the cycles of rage, devastation, and calmly trying to read/work on it. I told him it feels almost like I'm in a room with multiples of him. When we're calmly talking about it, I have the post-affair him sitting next to me, and we're staring at the affair-husband trying to understand why and talk about what he's done. When I'm raging and he shuts down communication, I feel like he's not on my side and it's me staring at the affair-husband. When I have moments of normalcy through the day with him, it's like I can see the preaffair husband ghosting through the post-affair husband...
And that ultimately, I perceive the goal for him through his IC and through our MC is for the three of them to merge - scarred, carrying that history, but healed and moving forward.
This probably doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I've been having a hard time articulating some thoughts/feelings and putting it into images like that helps me make sense of it I think
[This message edited by Lark at 2:58 PM, June 30th (Monday)]
I hear ya'
I totally understand.
Sometimes I look at my wayward, and see the man I fell in love with.
Other days, I look at him as see a liar and deceitful person, who treated me like crap while he dated another women.
I used to love when he smiled at me, but now his smile seems sleazy to me, almost like a lear.
Sigh. I wish I could say something that could fix things for you, but I too am struggling with the man I see when I see my cheating husband.
1) pre-A H - loving, responsible, great father, kind, brilliant. But I always knew there were "broken" parts of him that could make him hyper-sensitive, defensive, selfish, and weak. I no longer ignore the latter and pretend that the former is enough for a secure, truly happy marriage. I loved this guy, but realize now that there are things about who he was then that are no longer acceptable to me, post-betrayal.
2) H during, and just after A - selfish, cruel, weak, confused, delusional, ugly, pathetic. If this is the true H, then I'm a-okay with walking away. No question.
3) current H - wow. I really like this guy. A lot. This H is attentive, loving and strong. Instead of hiding or running away from his demons, he's facing them, and digging for more. He's working, every day, on being someone he's proud of.
The tricky bit, of course, is the merging part. I don't quite believe in H#3 yet. I hope he's real. For nearly 2 decades, H#1 was my reality. The A brought in H versions 2 and 3, and I still haven't been able to consistently understand that on an emotional level. Intellectually, I actually feel like I get it, at this point. But my heart can't always keep it straight.
My husband told me he can tell who I'm seeing when I'm talking, because my eyes look so different - from looking with pure hatred to devastation to looking like the ghost of what they used to look like before I knew. In a way it makes me so sad that it's that physical and all-encompassing
For my husband, as he's starting to wrestle with this, the enormity of it hits him, I watch him breaking too. I know the merging is going to be the hardest part for him - he'd gladly just "destroy" the affair him, never look at it again, and just merge pre and post-affair him.But he knows he can't do that and he has to take the broken parts of him and fix those too. Even as devastating as it is to experience, it's hard to watch him too. At least on my end, I'm rocked to the core about my assumptions of trust, love, and the reality. He is rocked to the core of who and what kind of person he actually is.
I can't tell if it's killing me or making me stronger
Don't kick me when I'm down because when I get back up you are f****d!