What made you all decide you can work on marriage and what did you do to make sure it worked?
We went directly into R though, or at least I thought we did, a few attempts later we really did it.
We made a conscious decision to spend quality time together. Started dating again really.
Doing special things for each other, silly love notes the whole shebang, while we each focused on our own healing, and learning to be independently happy.
We talked about the A when I needed to, and when he also needed to(it was rare, but it did happen).
We agreed to put a solid 6 months of effort into real R and see how things were from that point on. If we weren't making progress we would reassess if R was really the right path for us.
I guess it worked for us.
I first made a list of conditions that he had to meet for me to even show up to the first MC session. I promised him that if he was working on those, I only guaranteed him to the first MC.
We read How to Help your Spouse Heal and are now (still) reading NOT Just friends, which helped legitimate my feelings and provide understanding of what has happened and what to do.
I yelled. I cursed (and I do not curse, not ever). I cried. I reached out to our support network that we slowly built. I reached out to him when I could stand to have him touch me. I made a resolution to myself that I would be strong and would get through this, no matter whether we stayed together or separated, *I* was strong enough to get through this.
My minimum conditions were:
- nc to both
- take off work that day and the next day to have time to focus on it
- he accept full responsibility for the affair and commit to doin whatever it took to making things right
- he sell his truck (the "where" of the affairs)
- he get a new job
- full transparency
- he tell his mom (for his support network)
- he tell his best friend (for his support network)
- he get individual counseling
- marriage counseling
- he read the books I gave him.
I told him it was totally in his court whether or not he wanted to do stuff, but his actions now were what I was judging him by - not his words.
I was lucky in that my husband didn't seem to have a "Fog' moment - he said he was relieved from the moment I found out because it meant an end to his double life. He didn't and hasn't seemed to miss them a single bit. So we had it much easier in many ways. He met all of my conditions immediately or asap (conflicting schedules meant he couldn't tell his best friend until a few days ago). Setting out the task of to-dos helped get my feet started on where to go even if my mind couldnt' fathom what I was doing