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User Topic: How did you move forward when you decided to R.
♀ Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep pondering this question on how I can move forward with my H of all the things he did.

What made you all decide you can work on marriage and what did you do to make sure it worked?

Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found have very clear boundaries outlined was a good start.

We went directly into R though, or at least I thought we did, a few attempts later we really did it.

We made a conscious decision to spend quality time together. Started dating again really.
Doing special things for each other, silly love notes the whole shebang, while we each focused on our own healing, and learning to be independently happy.
We talked about the A when I needed to, and when he also needed to(it was rare, but it did happen).
We agreed to put a solid 6 months of effort into real R and see how things were from that point on. If we weren't making progress we would reassess if R was really the right path for us.

I guess it worked for us.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♂ Member
Member # 40222
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, for me, I had no choice. It was either have my ws and newborn daughter move a thousand miles away, or try to R.
I think you should just gather yourself, work on you then decide. If they don't want to wait, then you have your answer

Posts: 70 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ Member
Member # 43207
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, I guess WH made the decision when the OW gave him the ultimatum either it was her or me. All this happened behind my back I didnt know that there was an A going on, the OW told me on FB. Of course he did say to me I should be the one leaving him after what he has done when I confronted him with it, he admitted it, I told him that if he wasn't happy with me then he should be with her because this is where it ends there will be NC with her ever again, he agreed and said he would send her a final email. Emotionally I was all over the place I felt sick, I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep, I felt so hurt and betrayed. I lost a lot of weight and people noticed and started asking me if I was ok as I wasnt overweight in the first place. Harder still was that OW was a friend obviously only interested in getting her hands on my WH.
Days afterwards things were tense I remember thinking do I really know this man? I looked at him differently this is not the great guy that everyone always said he was and that I had always thought he was. I remember a dinner I went to not so long before I found out about the A and saying that i had the best H in the world. How red faced would I be if they only knew. I remember being called into work in an emergency just after D day and I hadnt slept for 2 days, I really dont know how I got through that day, what is more I dont remember very much about that day!
We decided to do more things together, spend more time with each other, and it wasn't that we didnt do those things at all, we just got caught up with having children and working opposite shifts. My H works in emergency services and I work in the medical field. So we made sure that there was one of us with our girls at all times, we worked opposite shifts.
Our R is still a work in progress I have real trust issues with him and to be honest I dont know that I will ever fully trust him again. He could be totally trustworthy now but I will always have that inkling of doubt. OW tried desperately to stay in contact with us and even called the house after I told her not to, said she was returning his call, he said she was lying, maybe she was trying to create problems for us. For me it has been a very difficult time because he has never spoken about it, initially it took about 5 sentences for him to tell me briefly about the affair, and that was it, he was done, which left me reeling, every time I tried to ask a question or talk about it, he cut me off and said it was over and he no longer wants to think or talk about it, its in the past. So I cant make him talk about it. I am however a lot stronger emotionally i have been doing the 180.
I still love my H very much and have forgiven him for what he has done, but I cant forget it, and I am not sure if i will ever get over it. I have a friend who is a counselor and I have spoken to her and also another friend who is a GP. My H would not go to counseling as he doesnt believe in other people telling him what to do and that it is nobody's business but ours. I am so greatfull for this forum SI.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very lost on what to do.

I first made a list of conditions that he had to meet for me to even show up to the first MC session. I promised him that if he was working on those, I only guaranteed him to the first MC.

We read How to Help your Spouse Heal and are now (still) reading NOT Just friends, which helped legitimate my feelings and provide understanding of what has happened and what to do.

I yelled. I cursed (and I do not curse, not ever). I cried. I reached out to our support network that we slowly built. I reached out to him when I could stand to have him touch me. I made a resolution to myself that I would be strong and would get through this, no matter whether we stayed together or separated, *I* was strong enough to get through this.

My minimum conditions were:
- nc to both
- take off work that day and the next day to have time to focus on it
- he accept full responsibility for the affair and commit to doin whatever it took to making things right
- he sell his truck (the "where" of the affairs)
- he get a new job
- full transparency
- he tell his mom (for his support network)
- he tell his best friend (for his support network)
- he get individual counseling
- marriage counseling
- he read the books I gave him.

I told him it was totally in his court whether or not he wanted to do stuff, but his actions now were what I was judging him by - not his words.

I was lucky in that my husband didn't seem to have a "Fog' moment - he said he was relieved from the moment I found out because it meant an end to his double life. He didn't and hasn't seemed to miss them a single bit. So we had it much easier in many ways. He met all of my conditions immediately or asap (conflicting schedules meant he couldn't tell his best friend until a few days ago). Setting out the task of to-dos helped get my feet started on where to go even if my mind couldnt' fathom what I was doing

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Topic Posts: 5

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