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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When you're a guy, how do you?
HighlandPaddy
♂ Member
Member # 43930
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do think men struggle with different aspects. Women focus on the emotional aspects of the A.
How could you feel that way about someone else? is a typical question.
Where a man gets more wrapped up in the physical aspects. What did she do? How many times? where? and the biggest question for all us men...Was he better endowed than me? Did he last longer? Did he make you feel better than me?
THose are the questions that emascualte me and make me feel like less of a man. SHe swears it was emotional and it just went to far. That she didn't even notice the size of his junk and that only I can make her feel a certain way....


So live your life that fear of death can never enter your heart.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: NY
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itsgoingtobeok - this sounds interesting. I looked it up.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HighlandPaddy - That's a two part issue. Physical just kills you, but emotional too. Just like you'll always wonder if he was better in bed, you wonder if she's still longing for him emotionally & physically. The whole thing is pain and just pain. Even if she re-assures me, it is still in the back of my mind. The only way that I started to think she no longer longed for it was when the other BS found out and it became real. People (other than me) were getting hurt and the repercussions were huge.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
justme1264
♂ Member
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother, everything you're going through is something a lot of us BHs can relate to. It doens't easier, but you do get better at it.

"I want to tell her that I feel lonely hurt and depressed."
- Tell her, but only tell her if she is remorseful, NC with OP, and attentive to your needs. Otherwise, it will just hurt more. If you can't tell her, tell your counselor or trusted friend instead. You need to get it out.

"Sometimes I hear a song and I feel like it's her feelings for him."
- The affair was NOT about you. It is not personal. This is damn hard to swallow, and really hard to keep in mind when you trigger. Turn off the song when this happens. And again, is she is truly remorseful, talk to her about it. But, be sure you are ready to hear the answer. LISTEN to her, and make sure you coming from a place of wanting to understand instead of looking to reinforce the pain.

"I hear a song he dedicated to her and I'm broken inside."
- Fawk him and anything he did. He slept with a married woman; he doesn't know the first thing about love. He didn't really love your wife and vice-versa. Talking to my wife (when I and her were ready) about their relationship and what it really was (again, she has to come to understand why she did what she did in order to explain it) helped a lot.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm no competition next to OM."
- Then get on the treadmill, pursue a new career, go out with good friends, build better relationships, be better every day, and use your anger/betrayal as fuel to GROW. Prove to yourself you are better and everything you deserve to be.

"Sometimes I want to go home and just cry on her shoulder."
- Again, only if she is truly remorseful. I am not sure what you do to release your emotions, but find a healthy way. For me, I hit the heavy bag and boxing gym ten fold. It helps so much, especially on the days/nights I feel beaten and powerless. Take your power back as a man and go conquer something..join a mud race, train for a marathon, sweat it out...as the saying goes, "the more we sweat the less we bleed." It will do enormous amounts of benefits to your ability to cope with this insanely stressful and damaging event.

"Sometimes I'm just depressed and don't want anything."
- Yup, sounds about right. Take time to take care of your self. This means doing anything that makes you feel good about you. Lay in bed for while on these days, but do whatever it takes to feel good about you.

"Sometimes I feel anxiety like it's all happening right here, right now."
- This is because you are traumatized. I still feel this way!!! Talk to your counselor. Therapy will help you with this along with time.

"Sometimes it feels like I'm the one dragging these feelings after 2yrs and she's back to normal."
- Maybe you are...it's been two years. But keep in mind the only time frame that matters here is your own. It may take 10 years. What matters is you are getting your own IC and taking care of YOU.

"Sometimes it feels like she's back in the relationship because she feels sorry for me."
- I COMPLETELY understand. I realized I was feeling sorry for myself. She can't feel sorry for you if there is nothing to feel sorry for. Reevaluate your position in your own life; are you happy? do you like what you see in the mirror? do you enjoy life? Think about it. If not, think about what it would take for you to have your power back and do it...one day at a time!

Go easy on yourself... just go easy. You're not alone.


Don't kick me when I am down. Because when I get back up, you're f*cked.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: justme1264
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 4:56 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2married,

I feel for you brother. The 2 and 3 year time frame was very difficult for me. I spent the first two years making great progress every month, -learning about my wife, marriage, FOO issues, personalities, and psychology. Everything was an eye opener to me. But then things slowed down. I wasn't improving. Things were not normal yet.

I started researching new areas, listening to seminars, joined a local discussion group, and then I started focusing on myself. I became stronger individually. I started to believe that I should never expect to go back to the same marriage, the same wife, or the same me. In fact, I didn't want to, and that when pain is processed correctly, it allows for a far better perspective of life. Once I embraced this, my life took a turn.

[This message edited by still-living at 4:57 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking with my 'betrayed wife hat' on...

When I found the e-mails and blew up, my H cried his eyes out when he realised the damage he'd caused to myself and OW's H. And has done so a few times since, as well as finally opening up to his feelings,especially over some serious FOO issues he'd never talked about before. Did I think any less of him? Absolutely not. I was so happy he finally had the courage to admit things to me that he'd always felt he had to close off to be the 'strong man'. Seeing a grown man cry is unusual and I wish they'd do it more often rather than bottle it all up and cope in negative ways such as anger or having meaningless affairs.

Just my tuppenceworth...


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 225 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gents - I know that society says you don't show emotion, and cry, and ask for help, but you have to really change your thoughts on this.

It shows great strength to be broken to your core, and admit you need assistance to get back on your feet and heal yourself.

Oh and all that stuff about was he bigger, better, last longer? YOU need to realize that had NOTHING to do with your spouses choice to cheat. She is a broken person looking for validation, ego kibbles, and being the center of someones world. That is all on her. If she chooses to tell you that they were better, made her feel more it's bullshit. It's what she allowed herself to feel. Secondly it wasn't real her A was fantasy, escape. She can say whatever she wants but it truly has no bearing in the real world.

Her choices have nothing to do with you. Once you can fully understand and accept that, you will really start to be able to let go of some of this other stuff.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are times, 5 years later, when it still hurts. I have tried many times to explain how much - but my wife just doesn't get it.

I think this is just something that you never get over entirely, and at times it makes me furious.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 251 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's just a male thing, but I definitely mirror your situation. It's been almost two years and these things still haunt me.

I want to tell her that I feel lonely hurt and depressed.
Sometimes I feel like I'm no competition next to OM.
Sometimes I'm just depressed and don't want anything.
Sometimes I feel anxiety like it's all happening right here, right now.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the one dragging these feelings after 2yrs and she's back to normal.
Sometimes it feels like she's back in the relationship because she feels sorry for me.

Everyone will tell you that we each take our own time to heal, but damn it, it seems like fWW only took 6 months. She is still aware of my feeling and what I'm dealing with, but she is back to normal...scarey because some of the traits I notice led to the A (or at least feed action to allow the A).

I get the song thing. Never paid too much attention to lyrics, but now I notice most songs deal with infidelity or break-ups.

I don't have ED but I've never before had problems losing an erection during intimacy like I do now. Damn mind movies still affect me like that.

I still think about the A 20 times a day. It's not as painful as before, but still make me wince or stop what I'm doing. I don't think fWW ever thinks about it nowadays. Her life is hunky dory now that the M is better.

Sorry for the rant. Your feelings seem normal...at least to me.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 487 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2married, thanks for posting, I have felt all of those things....justme, thanks for your tips on how to handle those things.

My WW's A brought me to my knees and I have wept. As time passes I have had days without sadness, but it always seems to find me again.


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
hurtininHouston
♂ Member
Member # 39250
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I feel the need to chime in. All of you are right on the money. Emasculating yes. Makes you feel like a chump... yes. Think about it 20 times a day. Yes.
Ed.... more now than ever in my life... although that is getting better.
Time does help. I am over 15 mos out of DDay. I still envision him pounding away at her.
They got drunk.. high.. late at night. She still wants to say he went limp. Didn't cum....I still don't know if I believe that. Says he was smaller and skinnier than I am (down there)... don't know if I believe that. I do know he would not be able to make her cum the way I do. But that is still of little consequence. My wife opened her legs and let some weird fuck... fuck her. she still want to call me her soul mate. How the fuck do you do that to your soulmate then.
My wife has remourse, it has caused her a lot of heartache within her family. So I know she has suffered for it. the sad thing is I want her to suffer. I suffer. I suffer daily. I love this woman, but this will never go away. We have to accept that this is part of our relationship. And it sucks big time.
As time goes by, it does get easier, that they were together long ago... that the memory of that night is not as sharp as it was.
But I will tell you it will never go away!!!!
Stay strong!
H

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Houston
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, July 7th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess what I see is that a woman can cry, scream, even slap her husband if he cheats. Deny sex, put him in the dog house, kick him out, talk to her friends and family and all that as he begs his way back in. For a guy? Very diff. You CERTAINLY don't want to tell your friends. You can cry, but certainly not break down at work or anything. Deny sex? Well, as a guy you feel like you have to claim her back I guess. And then there's the fact that usually when a woman cheats, she's out of love already. So you (the guy) ends up trying to win her back. Maybe this is unique to my situation, but that's how I see it.

You end up grieving inside. Holding lots in and suffering in silence. I hate being this negative depressed guy now as I feel like a total turn off for her.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truth is I need my WH to break down now, to show me the pain, I find men who cry and feel and show their feelings to be so much braver and stronger then a man who bottles them up... now.

^^^^THIS!

I have cried more in the last two years than my previous years put together. My WH not one drop.

Sorry - I know the original poster is a BS and looking from that perspective. But I am a woman who is very touched by a man's tears. Believe me - most women would appreciate knowing you have deep emotions.


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 161 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will chime in as a BW.

I do think that guys aren't given the same "permission" to be emotional and I think it is a shame. I enjoyed Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly that was about vulnerability and shame; she has researched this for years. She reports that often it's the women in a man's life who are uncomfortable with a man being vulnerable, and that makes me sad.

2married, have you tried just telling your W how you feel? Just like you have here? I would be doing cartwheels if my H expressed his feelings in this way; he's of the "strong and silent" school.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Truth is I need my WH to break down now, to show me the pain, I find men who cry and feel and show their feelings to be so much braver and stronger then a man who bottles them up... now"

This is so true. Do not be afraid to show your feelings - especially to your spouse. It was when my FWH broke down crying at all the hurt he was causing me that I was finally able to really begin forgiving him.

BTW, I think we all - male or female - can relate to all the feelings you describe in your initial post to this thread. It hurts - plain and simple. We've been betrayed by the person we love the most in this world.

Hang in there!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 406 | Registered: May 2014
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truth is I need my WH to break down now, to show me the pain,

I've known my WH almost 40 years and have only seen him cry 3 times. I don't think it's *normal*. Since the infidelity shit hit the fan I've yet to see him share a tear and, that gives me plenty of pause for thought. He says he has but, I don't know. Something about that makes me think he hasn't really gotten it yet and that just sucks.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 736 | Registered: Apr 2013
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((outanowhere)))))

Even those that do cry can still be a--holes though, so don't feel too bad about your H. I still can not trust my H completely. And he still does things that I find so insensitive - like calling me the same pet-name he called her! I swear, if he does it one more time, things may start flying around here! He never called me by that name until their A ended. It's like that's the name he reserves for those he is f---ing on a regular basis. Sorry to be so blunt. But it JUST happened and I'm raw.

Back to my point, I'm sure your H is doing other things to make you feel safe and secure!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 406 | Registered: May 2014
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wanted to point out that from a woman's POV, our self esteem also takes a hit. Was OW tighter, have bigger boobs, toner body, less cellulite, stretch marks?

Regardless of our gender, it just all sucks in a very big way! I don't see how anyone ever regains their sense of safety in the relationship in this regard. I will forever feel like my sexual performance would be critiqued and compared to countless other women whose only goal was to make him *happy* for an hour. I was willing to do it for a lifetime.

It just ain't right.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 6:17 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 736 | Registered: Apr 2013
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only way that I started to think she no longer longed for it was when the other BS found out and it became real.
That was an important step and it should have come sooner.

The sooner a WS realizes that an affair and the AP are just unrealistic lies the sooner the fantasy goes away.

Has your wife been to any IC or does she take any medication for her BPD?

Those two things could help her greatly.

What happens when you tell her of your concerns about the present and the future.

From reading your story, it sounds like there was never any closure to the affair. Did your wife answer all of your questions.

What would happen if you told your wife the things you posted here. Would she like you opening up to her or would she back away?

MC might help you and her communicate better. It just seems as if you and her are stuck in a rut of not knowing which way to go.

Practice not thinking about the mind movies. In time they became less frequent and they will fade in importance. When a thought like that comes into your mind, push it away. Think about the present, your business, the weather, a hobby...anything else.


Posts: 3952 | Registered: Jun 2002
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What wert said x2 (and everyone else)

I think your focus on what she thinks is at the root of many of the issues you feel stuck on. Many (most maybe) have experienced very similar issues. I think it's part of working through this (in R or D).

I was not the strong man getting through this. I disconnected from reality and was feeling many of the same things. Somewhere along the way I got to the point that I wanted to be true to myself and if my W found that unattractive too bad. I don't want to be with someone I can't be me around. Even the wounded flailing me. I had to regain trust, not in her (that's a work in progress), but in me. I will be ok regardless of the M, no matter what others may think. I know I am a decent human being (and therefore not close to perfect).


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
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