by 'work on you' I mean ending co-dependent behavior, learning to establish, communicate, and enforce boundaries. You have to be ready to lose the marriage in order to save it, as is often said here.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 8:40 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]
Not going to hurt myself, not going to hurt anyone else, but it's time for me to get to work on some things.
I'll holler back at you guys in a few days.
Hope you are OK. Hope things did not go downhill for you.
Things haven't gone downhill....I guess you could say they've leveled off. I'm spending way more time with my kids.....Fishing, swimming, playing....Enjoying the summer and enjoying them. Wife and I are working on a lot of things and have made some progress. She is showing a lot more accountability, and she read part of Dr. Harley's book and has a clearer idea of what I need at this point. She has maintained NC with OM as far as I can tell and is saying all the right things. We love each other....15 years, 3 kids, and a ton of shared life experience makes it hard not too. So there are reasons to be optimistic.
That's the sunny side.
The other side is that I am by nature a realist...Not an optimist. I know myself well enough to recognize that this horrible, hurtful, grotesque thing has changed who I am on a very fundamental level. I went 28 years without trusting anyone....Then gave my COMPLETE trust to a beautiful, sweet Southern girl who was simply TOO good and TOO honest and TOO true to ever hurt me....And I was wrong as fucking wrong can be. I can't fix what broke in me, and to be honest I don't know that I want to. I never want to be that vulnerable again.
I love her....But I don't think I'll ever love her, or anyone else, that way again. Even when things are good, that ghost still creeps around in my head and it is a sick, diseased-thing that ruins everything it touches.
I hate to be a downer for all of you who hope for true reconciliation, but I don't know that it's ever really possible. I read somewhere that it's better to be alone and healthy than it is to be sick and with the person you love. I can't help but feel that I'm going to reach a point where I'm tired of being sick....Even f the "day to day" feels something like happy. When I reach that point, I'll kiss my kids, tell my wife I tried my best for all of us, and I'll go. Very, very, very sad.
She has maintained NC with OM as far as I can tell and is saying all the right things.
It's all about the actions. Has she met your requirements for R? Has she shown true remorse? Without these, you will be ambivilent about a successful outcome.
Bottom line, this about her opening her own eyes to the destruction that she layed on to you, your kids, and the M. This is about her doing what she can to figure her broken and her "why". In the mean time, you change from this experience, heal from it and be back to your individual self and think hard about what YOU require to be happy, with or without her. All you can do is give it time and let the rollercoaster of emotions lean out to a straight line and then you will eventually have a clear idea of what is in the best interest of you and your kids. If you can, give yourself at least 6 months for things to settle down in your heart and watching her actions.
NC can only be policed with her full transparency and your diligence for staying on top of checking in on her. I think you will find out in time whether that's worth the effort. It's gauged by how much and how soon remorse start to set in with her and the effort she is willing to put in to help heal you.
In the mean time, get your ducks in a row. Get to a point where you can either pull the D trigger, or decock the hammer.
It's a 60 day required "cooling off" period before D can be official. Work that into how much time your are willing to see results.
Your post does not surprise me, and you are not letting anyone down. no one is hoping for R. What we all hope is is that you do what is right for you and your kids. your wife has destroyed your marriage as you knew it and loved it, and i believe you have some very difficult problems in front of you, some of it caused by being in such a small town that you cannot help.
I think the following
(1) Your wife has shown way too much empathy for the OM, even in the way she broke it off. She is not even angry with him for continuing to pursue her after she broke up. (FB request). I think you should go back in and look at what he responded when she declined, and since you reblocked it if it is not there you know she deleted it and went back in because she wanted to read it.
(2) In a town that size where they are certain to run into each other at school functions without you around, with her attitude towards him, i doubt seriously if she is just going to walk away when he approaches and you are not around. the story you will get if you find out is that what was she supposed to do, not be cordial. And a couple of these little meet ups and here you go again. and she will blame it on circumstances as far as not maintaining NC. You should have CHANGED all of her contact information so if it starts only she could have initiated it.
(3) her mid life crisis is NOT going away anytime soon, even with IC, so if the fear of growing older is what she claims was a major catalyst, that is with you for a while
(4) She has at least one friend who gave her number out, and possibly more, who know about this, and she has not told you how that thought it was awful. Translation to me is they are cheerleaders if not enablers, and any excuse to go somewhere with girlfriends should be a real signal to put your anteneas up.
because of her real lack of remorse, and caring about this POS is not remorse, fuck the fog shit, she only banged him twice, you are either going to have to blindly trust her or embark on a major snooping expedition if you want to feel at all safe. And that ain't no fun.
You are making a big mistake if you do not install the VAR in her car, and the GPS, and if she has an I Phone you can track where that is. Maybe after a few months with no fuck ups you might feel a little better.
If you feel confident there has been NC so far, I would still urge you to hire a PI from another town to follow her the entire first week of school when you know she will see him without you around. If you can afford it, i would do it sometime before that too.
In the small town, she can be with him in minutes, and i am guessing you do not know where they did it, although i am guessing his house.
if he is still after her and you do not offer him any consequences like a RO, he will not give up because she has shown she cares still by not being emphatic to him about NC and threatening to file a report.
We all realize the tough situation. I believe you will wiond up catching her again, but i hope i am wrong, and i hope you catch her before you get blindsided again.
you seem to be a very good man, and do not deserve this shit.
You still out there???
One thing in reading the whole thread is that you acknowledged and i think still put some blame on yourself for what she did.
There really are no excuses, not insecurity, not feeling young again and so on. Funny thing while many others may have natural periods of time and self-evaluation, they don't turn to infidelity for an out. Infidelity and marriage problems are two very different things is what i am getting at and should not try to be connected.
Sadly she still seems to be in the fog... and the irony of "flipping the switch" to sleep with him but argue the inability to switch off. Although she is going through a process, probably from guilt.. which is a good thing.. which is why her "reasons" at least for herself will evolve and go back and forth.
I love to hear you are spending time with the kids and making yourself a better person.
Lastly, the debate about whether you can control her... of course not but the point i would make is that it's not about controlling her, it's about the work she needs to do to keep you. Thus in order to keep you, she is free to follow your set of guidelines or not but you need to stick to it. You don't control her actions but you control the entire road to recovery in order for you to be made whole again.
Also as others have stated about phone spying and such... it's not creepy or wrong and don't put ideas of integrity in front of what should be done. Trust is gone and most importantly, infidelity is an addiction. Do we not treat other addicts with levels of verification? As with family i know, getting rid of bottles of alcohol and having breath registered and so on, to break the addiction. You have every right to "verify" that what work she is putting in is true to you as you are dealing with deceit and lies. In time if you stay with her, you will slowly find trust again... that is if all goes well.
Please keep us updated and i wish you the best.
[This message edited by atreides at 10:07 AM, July 21st (Monday)]
Some things have changed since I checked in last...Nothing Earth-shattering but important I think.
My wife finally cracked wide open about a week ago. She completely broke down and had to be hospitalized. Said she'd done the "worst thing one person can do to another person" and had done it to the person she loved best (me). She suffers from fibromyalgia and was trying to get off her meds because of all the side effects when the affair took place....Doctor told her that the withdrawal from her pain meds and anti-depressents probably led to altered mental status and poor decision-making so I think she's trying to use that as a crutch. That and the mid-life crisis. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. It doesn't change the hurt one bit.
I do know it was like a different person was in my life....But I'm not giving out any pardons. I'm just trying to live. I want to believe, I want to be encouraged, but I'm taking baby-steps.
I did break down and install the mobile-spy app on her phone. I'm getting a record now of all her texts, emails, facebook messages, websites visited, and GPS locations. It feels oogy and gross and sneaky and NOT me, but it's been reassuring to see her walking a narrow line. The big test is how she'll react when he reaches out to her. Have to firm my heart up for that. She'll either do me right or do me wrong.....The rest of my life hinges on that.
But I feel like I'm doing what I can. Have a lead on a new job in a new city that pays about $30K more than my current position. That would be a very nice "reset" on my life but I'm not holding my breath. The change, the improvement, the healing....It all has to start here at home.
Thanks for asking about me guys....I appreciate it very much.
My wife finally cracked wide open about a week ago. She completely broke down and had to be hospitalized. Said she'd done the "worst thing one person can do to another person" and had done it to the person she loved best (me).
That's quite a turning point for your situation. I agree with you in keeping a watchful eye on her actions for consistency, but this initial show of empathy is a good sign. Keep staying in touch and posting. Your road to R (if it's still open) will be long and hard. You'll need insight and advice of the R vets here to keep your sanity.
You can go to any number of sites about drugs and see if anybody else has reported in scientific literature about whatever drugs she was taking and withdrawal from same cause a major personality/judgment change. Just google the drug.
Her fibromyalgia didn't cause her enough pain to preclude physical contact. So sorry to be a doubter, but....
Glad you have taken steps to protect yourself. Understand she deserves to be snooped on and her own actions caused it, not yours.
School starts so so be extra vigilant .
Lastly, sorry , DONT meds as excuses . As your doctor if he would accept his wife fucking another man because meds made her not think straight.
This was not a ONS in a bar parking lot. It was planned once he pursued her, and she did it again pre planned.
There are no acceptable excuses.
And I agree , YOU are in control of your life, not her.
Hope you get the job
Keep posting on here.
Hard to say what is real and what is fake when it comes to affairs and excuses. And after being lied to, it is hard to know what is true. I doubt there is anything fake about being hospitalized though.
Did your wife change her phone numbers and block the OM from facebook and all of that?
If she did that, it would send a message to the OM at least. Though there are a million ways to contact someone. Including the old fashioned way of just driving by.
Funny how life works out. How all of this has happened and now you have a new offer for a better job and out of that town. That sounds encouraging.
Nothing is an excuse, not a midlife crisis or meds, nothing.
Coping and or the mechanism within that allows one to go to the lengths they do for an affair is much more than side excuses. One goes sky diving or buys a new sports car or new diamond neckless for a midlife crisis.
She is however trying to soul search and looking in the mirror is the hardest to do.
Good work on keep an eye on her, it is better for you to "know" than cheat yourself into further pain by not knowing if she is truly going to do the work.
best of luck and keep us posted.
I'm glad that things are going better for you now. I've been sending positive thoughts your way as well as everyone else here. Just remember that your emotions are going to go up and down for quite some time. Try to operate on an even keel and don't make commitments to her or tell her that you are fighting for her. That is her job to do at this point and she is going to need to make a valiant effort at that. I've found myself one day telling my wife I'm going to fight for us and the next day telling her I don't know if I can continue the relationship. It's not fair to you or her even though you didn't ask to be in the situation. This is due to the emotions running high and low. I just try and make it clear that right now I'm just existing, working on getting up, going to work, and getting home.. This gives me the time to watch her and her actions. They speak so much louder than words.