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craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I am moving beyond blaming myself. I did a lot of stuff wrong, but her justification that she was "already gone" when the physical affair took place is bullshit.
You got that right, her excuses are total BS!

She could have talked to you instead of being with some other guy.

And the part that your wife is sorry she hurt this OM. Does she really think the OM loves her.

Your wife was played and used, and it is too bad she doesnt see that.

Why is this OM a single dad, what happened to his marriage?

Your wife needs to read a couple of books so she can learn about what she actually did to you. She needs to learn about boundaries.

One good book is Not Just Friends. She does need to read that book.

As for revenge...the time will come some day in the future. Or revenge will come in the form that sooner or later, he will get his. His type always does.


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What comes next should be total access to her FB, cell, and e mail. And what comes next should be him being told that you will file police report if he stops by your house again/
And if she met him at gym, she need to stop going there period, especially in a small town where she will run I to him.
I would also consider putting a GPS on her car so you can tell if she is at his house.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Mac4
♂ Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mtaylor - a lot of good advice above already, and do not blame yourself, HER affair is not about you, it's about HER.

She didnt' cheat because you didn't work out enough, or because you weren't a good enough father, or because you weren't a good enough listener, or because you didn't tell funny jokes, or because...you get the point. She cheated because she has poor boundaries and made poor choices. The affair is a fantasy land, that is not real love. Real love is offering R in the face of the betrayal of infidelity. That is love.

I get the confidence thing, the discovery of the A makes you think why did she choose the OM over me. And even though this isn't the reality of what took place, you still can't help but think it. I know I have and still do at times. But the A is a reflection of her. After the affair, you learn a lot about yourself and certainly we can all work to be a better version of ourselves. But your faults didn't cause the A, those were her faults.

My WW too was worried about hurting the OM and losing her "friendship" with him. To which I asked, what kind of friend would do something that would threaten to destroy your marriage and family? She had no response. To me that doesn't sound like a good friend, just a horny guy using my wife to meet his sexual needs. I don't think most WW's like the realization that they are often used for what the OM wanted, just sex.

Hang in there, this is a long road, you will find good support here.


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 102 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after it was all out in the open and I was destroyed, I went to the one friend I have in our little community (I work 30 miles away in a larger city) and he was flabbergasted. He's lived there his whole life and knows the Other Dude well. Says we are the 4th or 5th married couple he knows this guy has come between.

Did you tell your WW what your friend told you? Tell her that a cast of her ass is now mounted on his wall of ass trophies and she's trophy number 6. Better yet, have your friend tell her this as well as any other lines OM may have told but your WW has yet to tell you. See if she still feels sorry for him after that.

Told me he's a scumbag but a Ladies Man and knows what to do.

Nope, not a ladies man but a predator. A manipulative sex predator.

Fighting for her and the family seems strong, but staying with someone who has done this to me seems weak. Damn it all.

Friend, you fight for yourself and your kids. She needs to fight to stay married to you. That's how she helps you heal and start the road to fixing yourself and finding out why she thought cheating was a solution to anything. Look into the 180 in the Healing library:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
She needs to feel consequences and show remorse for what she did to the marriage, you, and your kids. Yes, she betrayed them too. Right now she's "concerned" for the OM. You're going to have an uphill battle trying to R with her while she feels only regret.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MTaylor

Bigger is spot on with his advice.

And having a special needs child is extremely tough on any marriage.

I had a friend in the very same shoes as you.

His wife wanted to reconcile after she banged the OM numerous times.

My buddy too wanted boundaries enforced for his wife and for the OM to feel consequences for their actions.

He took his 3 kids (one is special needs very similar to your son)with their clothes packed in luggage as well as his wife's luggage.

The bags were fully packed.

He called his wife and told her he was going to speak with the OM.

She panicked and rushed over there.

He told the OM that along with his wife came his kids. And if he wanted to interfere with his marriage and family then he needed to understand what responsibility came with their screwing around.

He brought his kids over to the OM and introduced them as Mom's BF. He then took all their luggage and threw it on his lawn.

He told the OM they are all yours now.

He said the look on his wife's face was priceless.

He thanked his wife for the good times and wished her many more.

His wife was home a half hour later. The OM dumped her. Told her he was in it for the sex and did not want a wife or kids with issues.

Mission Accomplished.

My buddy never got in an argument or confrontation with the POSOM.

His wife was on board with the R 110% after that day.

Remember, you really have nothing to lose.

Your kids are yours. They will always be your family.

Your wife needs to fix her issues and determine what she values in life.

So far she has failed.

Get tough.

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 3:07 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, not a ladies man but a predator. A manipulative sex predator.
MTaylor...this is true. This is not a made up angry phrase on here, this type of male is a real person and a person all should avoid.

This type of male (not man) is someone who is looked down upon by most of the rest of us.

This is the guy most people want to avoid and or should learn to avoid.

In other words, these types of people are scum and nothing else.


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MTaylor

OK. We have all established the OM is a hunk, caveman, and predator scumbag. He is NOT the problem. The problem is your wife willingly accepted his advances and fucked him at least twice, and that you now have to decide what you are going to do. She is the cheater, he is SINGLE, and wanted to get laid.

The simple fact that she has taken some positive steps is NOT your all clear signal. It is a big red flag that she does not want to hurt him and is still carrying some kind of torch for him. Until you extinguish that torch, all it will take is a weak moment and you are right back where you started.

You will not help yourself if you do not appear strong. You may not be 6"5" but you can be that tall in manhood by telling her that if you even get a wiff of any lying that it is OVER, and that you are going to an attorney to prepare for that just in case. And i would make it clear that your "talk" tonight or whenever is her last chance to tell you anything that you do not already know.

Hope it goes well.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 5:56 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talked with wife last night. Explained my perspective, took accountability for the things I did wrong in "Part 1" of our marriage, told her how horribly disappointed I was in her and how she handled the situation. Went into detail on how much her actions had hurt me and our family and called her out on the "I was already gone when it happened" bullshit. Told her I was able to commit to rebuilding but she had to know that any contact with her jackass lover would be the absolute end of me expending any more energy or emotion trying to reconcile.

Started out okay, ended up a disaster. She said she felt like I was only concerned about my pain, and that hers didn't seem to matter. Said that she needed to "learn how to be happy" with me again and that she couldn't do that overnight. Got angry and snippy and when I said we needed to talk this stuff through because I wasn't comfortable just playing house, she said "Why not? We did it for 15 years.".....Which is bullshit. I don't know what her ideal picture of marriage is, but I've always understood that it's work.....It's not euphoria 24/7 like she had with the Other Dude. She doesn't seem to realize that comparing our marriage to the affair is ridiculous.

Anyway, I told her I couldn't keep giving 100% to this reconciliation attempt if she was only going to give 50% herself. She blames the fact that she's quitting a couple of her anti-depressant meds as her reasoning for not being "all there" yet but I can't help but assume it's lingering feelings for the other man.

I just know that I'm running out of energy and am just about tapped emotionally. There is a big 4th of July Festival this weekend that my kids are involved in and with this place being so small it's inevitable that we'll run into the Musclebound Bastard at some point. I don't know how that will work but I can't see it going well for anyone. I am so f'ing exhausted....Not sure how to move forward. Love her. Hate her. Want a life with her. Want a life without all this hurt. Not ready to completely recalculate my future, but can't keep going like this in the present. What a horrible, horrible thing this is.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I make a suggestion?

Go to the July 4th event. Present the picture of a loving family with the kids.

Hell, hold your wife's hand, laugh & keep the talk friendly.

Have a var (recorder) handy in your pocket to protect yourself.

If you see the OM. Just Smile. And walk away with your family.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. She does.

Remember that.

Sooner or later she will realize she got played and used.

Enforce your boundaries. And make sure your wife understands the consequences.

HM



Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she felt like I was only concerned about my pain, and that hers didn't seem to matter.
Her pain about what?

She does not get it at all, not even close. She has no clue that affairs are wrong and she has no clue as to the magnitude of the wrong she has done.

There are no excuses for what she did or how she is acting now, only facts.

Does everyone in this country take ADs? Medication is no excuse for having an affair or not knowing it was painful.

She has to read some books at the very least. Hear it from acclaimed authors on the subject. Get her Not Just Friends right away.

It's not euphoria 24/7 like she had with the Other Dude. She doesn't seem to realize that comparing our marriage to the affair is ridiculous.
More proof she doesnt get it. Does she think life would be great with the OM. Does she think he would be nice all of the time paying for all your kids, the house payment, the car payment and putting up with her going out with other guys at the same time.

Hell no, affairs are phony!

Where is this OMs ex-wife, is he divorced because he cheated on her? Look up articles on the internet about male predators and find one or two that fits the OM well and print them out and give them to your wife.

She really needs to come back to reality.

Reverse the situation, ask her how she would feel right now if you were the one who went out and had sex with an SI swimsuit model.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 8:22 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 4103 | Registered: Jun 2002
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, MT.

We have very nearly identical situations. Married fifteen years, OM was single father, she says she was "gone" before it went physical, blames me, were intimate on only two occasions, wife is one of the pretty people. Big diff is fWW went for an older dude who wasn't much to look at.


We came up with a bunch of rules she has to abide by:

1. No opposite sex friendships, including FB "friends"
2. No drinking without me (she was drunk for both affairs)
3. Complete honesty. The mind movies will screw with your head. Much better to have the truth than to use your imagination, IMO.
4. Complete transparency. Specifically I should know about any men she routinely ineracts with and if she finds them attractive. I'm okay if she does.
5. She has to go to IC to fix her FOO issues

We have a list of about 10 things but those ore the big one's.

R is still hard and seemingly everlasting but we'll get there.

ETA: Your WW is deep in the fog. It lasted for about a month after NC for my FWW. She needs IC and a reality check. She's an adult and mother. If she expects 24/7 bliss she is seriously deluded. My FWW still expects that from time to time. It. Isn't. Possible. In. Real. Life.

Persfect reason for a 180 if continues to not get it.

[This message edited by MindMonkey at 8:28 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So she is telling you she does not agree to NC with him??? If that is what she is saying that should be the deal breaker right there.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not euphoria 24/7 like she had with the Other Dude. She doesn't seem to realize that comparing our marriage to the affair is ridiculous.
My advice on this is simple.
Dump her arse.
Once she actually has to experience real day-to-day life with OM the shine will wear off. However, that's not why recommend this.

Your WW is still very wayward and narcissistic in her thinking. Quite frankly she didn't have "euphoria 24/7" with the OM because she wasn't with OM 24/7 for any real length of time. The insult and sheer ridiculousness of that would be enough for me to walk. Only after she regained her sanity and is appropriately remorseful should you consider R. jmho


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OM's first wife died in a car wreck in 2009, which is tragic and sad, but from talking to folks around town he uses that as an "in" to win their sympathy first. I don't know the guy other than Facebook and small town reputation.....But I know that I hate him. Love the suggestion about presenting the "Strong Family" image this weekend. I guess my wife's willingness (or refusal) to go along with it could tell me a lot of what I need to know moving forward.

She just sent me a message apologizing for her reaction last night and saying it hurts to face your own music. Said last night going poorly was her fault. I guess that's a step in the right direction. Promising NC with OM, saying she loves me.

So the yo-yo swings back up....Or roller-coaster or whatever metaphor you want to use. We're supposed to go on a date tonight and my parents are going to watch the kids. Now I have to make a decision to play along and try to be positive or keep hammering home the point that she still hasn't taken accountability for this yet. When I stay positive and serve as the "sunshine" in this equation things seem to go well....And I'm fine with that as long as I don't end up being a goddamn rube again.

Thanks again everyone...You guys are making this process at least a fraction easier. Bless y'all.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
happyman64
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Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many pros say to set aside a specific date/time to talk about her affair and the R process.

A dinner is not one of those times.Enjoy the dinner.

You deserve it.


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M Taylor

Not sure if anyone also told you this. The "friend" who gave this POS your wife's phone number is NOT your friend, and she should be cut off. What the hell did she think he wanted your wife's phone number for, to talk about the weather.

This woman was [probably thinking it was real cool.

She is poison to your marriage.

[This message edited by Badhurt at 10:31 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Jduff
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Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said she felt like I was only concerned about my pain, and that hers didn't seem to matter. Said that she needed to "learn how to be happy" with me again and that she couldn't do that overnight. Got angry and snippy and when I said we needed to talk this stuff through because I wasn't comfortable just playing house, she said "Why not? We did it for 15 years.".....Which is bullshit.

And you a right. This is what we call the rewrite of the marriage. It's just blame-shifting and rationalizing to herself for her choice to have an A. It's self preservation from guilt, shame, and facing consequences of the A. Of course it is all bullshit.


There is a big 4th of July Festival this weekend that my kids are involved in and with this place being so small it's inevitable that we'll run into the Musclebound Bastard at some point.

BTDT. If you run into this predator, just give him the thousand mile stare right in his eyes. Don't react physically. If he looks away, you own him. If he confronts you and reacts threateningly, you just stay calm, no expression on your face, maintain eye contact, and stand your ground. What that scene is going to look like in front of everyone else is some meat head bullying a father with his kids. You'll even probably get some other dads coming up to give you support. This guy likely has not been challenged before because of his physique, and you may be the first to stand up to him. What's important is you standing your ground. I'm betting the second he realizes you're not backing down no matter what and that he has a real challange on his hands in trying to steal your wife, he'll throw her under the bus. Why? Like I said before, the real challenge is meeting unattached women, showing your authenticity to them, and earning their time and attention. Not looking for desperate women in seemingly desperate situations and using it to your advantage.

Now, if this guy does get physical with you, others may step in to break things up. But if you have to physically defend yourself, I can tell you that one of the most effective "wake the fuck up and back the hell off!" move is a hard open hand slap across his face, like a bear paw slap. If you can get the meat heads ear in that slap as well, he's immobilized. It stuns, shocks, and immasculates the hell out anyone. Their eyes immediately swells like they're crying and the first thing they want to do leave the scene. Anyone that witnesses this will see a father defending his family from some bully hulk and will speak up for you. Hopefully it doesn't even come to this, but have a plan in mind. Alleviate your fears with options.


Not sure if anyone also told you this. The "friend" who gave this POS your phone number is NOT your friend, and she should be cut off.

I most definitely agree with this. Some "friends" feed off the drama of others by getting them into situations just so they can see the drama unfold. It's sick.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Badhurt - There's a whole lot of poison in this little town. Almost everyone here either went to school with the OM, know him from the gym, or have a kid on his baseball team. It's a big fat incestuous East Texas mess. You see down here, he's not a predator....He's just a good old boy and a p*ssy hound. "Bless his heart" they would say. Backwards Ass Country F*cks.

Part of me understands that moving might very well be necessary at some point. $70K/Year jobs are pretty tough to come by in this part of the country though. I'd be walking away 5 years shy of retirement and risking a massive investment on a very shaky one. Heart vs head to the extreme.

No part of this is easy.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jduff - Thanks man....I appreciate every word of that.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Promising NC with OM, saying she loves me.
Remember, words are cheap. It is all about her actions and unfortunately, you will have to be a PI now and watch her every move. Check the phone, put a gps in the car or whatever you feel is needed.

A dinner date is not the time to bring up the affair, but if it were me, I sure as hell would not feel like nice small talk either. Just dont let the anger boil over no matter what.

And that is a good point, why in the hell did this so-called friend give your wife's phone number to this guy in the first place.

Too bad you cannot move at this time. Does the OM work in the same field as you or your wife...I think you said your wife stays at home though.


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