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Newest Member: Tryin2staykewl (45320)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
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Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand about small town. That does not change fact that this friend have oM your wife's phone number knowing what he wanted it for. She needs to cut dumped or is disrespectful to you especially of this woman comes to your home. You should confront her

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nah she wasn't a friend of mine....Friend of wife's. She knew my wife from up at the school or from my daughter's cheerleading or something like that, and is related to the OM somehow...Cousin or aunt or something. Like I said....Incestuous mess.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure who said anything about moving, but i sure as hell would not want my wife at the gym for hours admiring his physique. She's got to give in on something or you better get into super snoop mode with a VAR and GPS. I assume she banging him at his house. If she has an I Phone, i think you can find out where that is. i am not a techie but someone on here can tell you about all of this stuff.

Good luck tonight.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know...I purchased the mobilespy app for Android and just haven't installed it on her phone yet. The reasonable part of my brain (the little bit that's left) keeps telling me if my distrust is that bad then I should just go and say to hell with her.

Plus if I install it and find out she's lying to me and is still seeing and talking to him....My ability to be rational may very well abandon me and I don't know what would happen. Bad things. Very bad things.

I applied for a job in San Antonio today just for the heck of it. It's about 5 hours away and would be a decent buffer. If we're not going to be together, I don't think I have it in me to watch her start a new life with someone else. As much as it kills me to say it, I'd probably ask for summers and holidays with my kids and just visit them as often as I could. Seeing her with him, or with any other man after I gave her 15 years.....After I worked my ass off so she could stay home with the babies and bought her a house and cars and boobs and vacations and helped her family out and loved her with ALL MY HEART....Nah....I'd have to get away and get away fast.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
justastatistic
♂ New Member
Member # 36314
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that you bought Dr Harley's book. Great idea. He also has a website with a forum for discussing affairs at marriagebuilders.com.

Since you want to reconcile, I urge you to go there and post there and follow the advice you will receive. It is sometimes more oriented toward reconciliation than others, but even they will tell you that you do not have to be a doormat, nor should you. Build up the love tank, and avoid love busters.

Instead of putting spyware on her phone initially, can you look at the bills online to check for his number?


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2012
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MTaylor

How are you doping after dinner last night???


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dinner last night went great. I needed some new clothes from the 25lbs I've lost during this debacle so we went and tried on some stuff and she picked me out some new duds. All good.
Picked up the kids from my parents and for once they all slept in their own rooms. This morning before I left for work we had sex and it was really, really good. I came into work this morning feeling better than I have in weeks.

AAAAAAAAAAND then about 30 minutes ago she sent me a text asking me what me and the boys were going to do tomorrow while she and my daughter work the cheerleading booth at the 4th of July Festival. I told her I planned on being there with her, since I knew he'd swing by eventually, and that he'd want to talk to her. She is crawfishing a little....This will be a big tell.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I assume crawfishing means she was hoping you would not be there. You need to tell her she needs to tell this prick in front of you that he is not to contact her again or she will file harrassment charges.

If she can't tell this guy to back off your dinner last night meant nothing.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife says she sent the OM a NC something or other, email or text.

Have you told the OM to stay the hell away from your wife.

Next step is a restraining order for him to stay away.

Don't tell me the cops there would back this OM as well?


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to immediately check her phone and e mail to see if she has contacted him and warned him you would be there

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you guys mean but I'm really just too exhausted for the subterfuge and sneaky stuff. She's going to be true or she's going to cheat. One equals a happy me, the other equals me leaving. I don't know if it was the "pretend nothing is wrong" date last night, the sex this morning, or the anxiety over this deal tomorrow, but my get up and go has got up and went. I think I've hit some sort of emotional ceiling (or floor) and I've reached the point where whatever happens happens...It at the very least gives me some direction.

If I see him tomorrow I'm going to tell him to leave us alone or else there are going to be big problems for all of us. No threats, just facts. How he handles it is on him. How she handles it is on her. I'm done trying to appease.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Went to the parade this morning as a family. OM was there with his son. Saw us after and left. No drama....Wife was stressed and terribly awkward but handled herself okay.

She says she was embarrassed to be in public knowing the situation she created. Seems genuinely repentant but I can't buy in yet. It's been one month today since their last tryst. I can committ intellectually to this thing, but my heart still hurts too much to open up all the way. I guess that's a safety mechanism.

I got the OM's cell number from a guy I know. Thinking of sending him a text telling him how things are going to be but not sure if that's a good move or not. I think he needs to know how close he came to dying and how close I came to spending the rest of my life in a jail cell. He needs to know that if he contacts my wife again it will work out poorly for all of us.....But I can't threaten him and I don't want it to seem like I'm rubbing it in his face that she chose me. That's not what this is about.

But I'm 43 years old and 5 years away from retirement and I have great kids and a promising future.....If I don't get some sort of resolution here I'm going to meltdown and fuck MY life up. Advice?


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your wife has sent him the NC message, then that is the last you should be in touch with the OM. Don't keep him involved in your life. If he comes back around then see about getting an RO. But don't give in to the urge to posture with him. Get out the aggression by an intense workout or if you must write a letter and burn it. He is not worth any of your energy.

You may be hitting some numbness--that's a normal response to the emotional trauma. And you are perfectly right that your sleuthing will not change things; it's whether or not your WW is remorseful that will determine the future of your M. Accepting that is very wise.

No matter what, you will be ok.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M Taylor

Try to relax a minute. DO NOT send this POS anything. he does not give a shit, and you do not need to start anything.

This is ALL on your wife. Tell her exactly how you are feeling and that it is her responsibility to make this get better , not yours. And it is not going to happen overnight.

She also needs to stop going to a gym where he is going to be standing ten feet away from her. or she needs to only go when you are there.
You need to let her know again you are not tolerating any more betrayal.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Mtaylor
New Member
Member # 43931
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. You're both right. It just feels cowardly not confronting him somehow. My confidence is so busted up right now that I really disgust myself a little. Hate that I let someone do this to me. I wonder if after this kind of thing happens you EVER allow yourself to love unrestrained and completely ever again. I love my wife....But at best I see it being bittersweet love for a very long time.

I will not text him or call him. I'll let my wife know how I'm feeling. I'll pray and I'll workout. I'll love my family and I'll keep coming back here as long as it takes.

Other than packing up.....Not sure what other options there are.


Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My confidence is so busted up right now that I really disgust myself a little. Hate that I let someone do this to me. I wonder if after this kind of thing happens you EVER allow yourself to love unrestrained and completely ever again. I love my wife....But at best I see it being bittersweet love for a very long tim

Read the above. YOU DID NOT LET SOMEONE DO THIS TO YOU. YOUR WIFE LET SOMEONE DO THAT TO HER!!!!!

What you cannot do is let her rug sweep this thing and think because she has sex with you that it is all forgotten. She needs to know you are not just blindly trusting her. I am still very concerned about her feeling bad about hurting him. Fuck him, it is you she needs to be caring about and you need to DEMAND that.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

M Taylor,

One other thing. my guess POS was surprised to see you there because he thought he'd have a chance to get to your wife.
i would not be surprised if he tries to make another move. You need to be alert and tell your wife that if he tries to contact her again and she does not tell you immediately that that is the final straw.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Mtaylor))

My WH had a MLC affair with a woman half my age. I totally get the insecurity and the humiliation you feel because of the AP choice. I would just like to agree with everyone else who said the A was NOT because of ANYTHING you did or didn't do.

On a side note, my WH is very good looking, and used to be a body builder. Personally, I never really understood the whole 'muscle' fascination thing. Not that they are mutually exclusive, but I prefer men who are strong on the INSIDE - which clearly your wife's AP is not. Actually my H is MUCH more attractive to me when he has a few pounds on him. He teases me for preferring men who are chubby - but honestly I do. The sexiest thing in a man, for me, is integrity. Honesty, kindness, loyalty... HOT.

Take care of you.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not send the OM anything, that just opens him up to more and more contact. If contact is to be stopped, you need to also stop. Otherwise you give him an opening.

As for being too tired to snoop, I understand that since this crap is extremely draining. But it is better to know than to wonder. If you're not wondering then fine.

You will feel like this for much longer than you want to. There is no quick fix to what has happened and how you feel. There is just no quick fix. And it is worse for you in the fact you are in a small town.

Being able to retire in your 40s is incredible, dont screw that up by threatening the OM or doing something dumb.

Revenge could come for him and you wont even know it. For me, I wanted revenge in the worst way until one day I found out the OM was dead. I dont know what he died from other than natural causes. You just never know.


Posts: 4101 | Registered: Jun 2002
Invisiblenow
♀ New Member
Member # 43933
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 4th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice is not to do or say anything that will make you look out of control or crazy. I made the mistake of saying things to the OW that I now regret. At the time, I remember thinking that my angry voice was a way of fighting for my husband. Now I say nothing and search for nothing. I was becoming toxic to myself which was not working for me or my family. Letting go of the bitterness and anger was hard to do and is still hard for me while we attempt our reconciliation. No easy answers, that is for sure.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jun 2014
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