Tomorrow will be July 1, officially 6 months from dday 1. And I am looking back on how far have I come since then. So, a little reflection.
6 months ago I was a liar, a cheater and a manipulator. I had been treating my family better for a time, and then the bomb dropped. My BS found out about an EA that I had, but never met in person. And at that point I decided that I would be truthful about everything (that she knew about) So I was still hiding some important information. 3xPAs I was in a whirlwind of dissonance. I wanted to be truthful, but I didn't want to cause more damage. (typical wayward save my own ass disguised as not want to hurt BS) So for 2 months I still manipulated, trying to be honest but not reveal any more information than I had to. During this period, I had discovered my mothers NPD in researching the possibility of my own.
After 2 months of reading, lurking on SI, discussion with my BS, books, blogs, preachers, everything came to a final conclusion. In order for me to start healing myself, I had to become authentic. I had to be honest. From all of the reading, I now had the tools for disclosure. I scheduled counseling prepared my thoughts, waited for a Friday evening. And laid in on her. Wow I was free! Even though in the initial disclosure I had omitted a few things, I corrected them a few hours later. I was finally able to relax. I had let go of the outcome, and put all of my faith in God. As He was the only one that could save me on that day.
I have been through many emotions in the last 6 months. Emotions that I have never isolated in the past. For me the go to emotion was anger. I have come a long way on understanding what my emotion is and turn it back from anger. As anger is not the true emotion.
I have learned to face my fears. My previous mindset was I am either afraid and have to do something or not afraid. But I am getting comfortable being afraid and not defaulting to fight/flight
I have learned to put me first, when I need to be first. And others first when they need to be first. And I am getting considerably better at knowing the differences.
I am learning to voice my feelings, my true feelings not the surface ones. But actually analyzing what the feeling is and voicing it. And if it is because I am being selfish. I voice that too.
I have learned the value in being the first to tell. I work hard at telling the truth. And not in reaction but by being first. As it is not defending myself. But proving myself.
I have been getting better at standing up for myself, my BS, and my DC. Vocalizing, not from anger, but as a fact. ie. standing up to my mother, standing up to the OBS (my cousin) who wanted to rug sweep.
I have been getting better at real communication and active listening. With my BS, DC, employer, job interviews, and on here (hopefully you agree)
I have worked hard on self validation, self love, and my self esteem. This is one of the hardest for me. But when I slip, I bounce back a lot faster. And I refrain from "acting out"
I have developed deeper understanding of my BS, and DC. And a deeper understanding of myself.
I have a dark side. (Mr. Hyde) I have a light side (Dr. Jekyll) But I am working on the balance of the two. I will heal, I will become one. Everyday I move closer to that middle. This is my Mt. Everest. I will reach the summit. But it will take me years to get there. When I get there, I will be a healthy, whole and safe person. But that is not the end of the journey, just the beginning.
Thanks for reading, and letting me share.
Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women