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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: t/j ask the menz
Lonelygirl10
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Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've gotten to around the 4th page of that thread in the general section, and love it! I think I'm going to get a glass of wine, and read them all tonight. From what I've read so far, there are so many good men on SI! It's very refreshing to read the responses, and it makes me hopeful that I will someday find a man who thinks that way about some of the questions being asked.

Thank you men on SI for contributing!


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1150 | Registered: Jul 2013
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shout out to the menz!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2230 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a fun thread. I've read some of the menz and womenz.

Just know that there are good guys out there. You just have to give it a chance. Love yourself, don't settle, other SI cliches............


Your happiness is YOUR job. When you find someone to share it with it will be that much sweeter


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 747 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
hummingbird8
♀ Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will admit I didn't get past the first page on either thread so maybe all the questions are not like that.

But...

I guess I'm wondering why it's ok for men and women to be talking about their sex lives with people of the opposite sex. Very explicitly at that too. Isn't that the same thing that most WS do? Share intimate details with someone of the opposite sex, either online or at work etc?


Posts: 499 | Registered: Aug 2009
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^ as someone who has asked probably the most TMI question of all time on that thread I will say a few Qs felt a little uncomfortably specific. Not even particularly graphic just a little too specific/titillating. For me anyway. I didn't respond to those questions.

There are a lot of S/D folk responding. I wouldn't feel comfortable answering or asking intimate questions if I was in a relationship but as a single person it does not cross my boundaries. TBH I didn't look to see if the asker was in R or not. IRL that would influence whether or not I answer those questions too even though I am single.

I do agree with you that talking about your sex life with the opposite sex when in a relationship is a boundary I would not cross - anonymous or not. BS or WS. But I don't see singles discussing this stuff as wayward behaviour or inappropriate. We are each in charge of our own boundaries and on a public yet anonymous forum like this you'll get the whole spectrum.

I do notice there are some questions that BSs are asking that are clearly painful triggers for them. Infidelity is not about sex but men/women do go through a phase where they obsess over the who/what/when and I'm not good/experienced/sexy enough and that is why they're asking sex life questions.

As a then-married BW I asked those questions myself - just like I read the Wayward forum regularly trying to find understanding for my then WH - I also looked to wayward men posts in particular to help me understand the wayward man mindset. TBH I was also looking for proof of true remorse.

You know what IS interesting? I bet there are no WSs in R posting explicit questions or responses to explicit questions in those threads. Further proof that true remorse gives you stronger boundaries than some BSs in R have. Supports my beloved uncertainone's view that being a BS does not give you a cape.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5548 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, June 30th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm single and the forum is anonymous so it doesn't really cross any boundaries for me. If either of those conditions weren't met, I wouldn't reply.

What I see in those threads is, for the most part, people who honestly want perspectives from the opposite gender to help them process their pain. I suppose it could be destructive if someone was trying to flirt but, speaking for myself, that's not my intention at all.


Posts: 1675 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
better4me
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Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saw the thread and couldn't stop reading it. I'm impressed with the honesty, both from the question asker and the question answerer.

I guess I'm wondering why it's ok for men and women to be talking about their sex lives with people of the opposite sex. Very explicitly at that too. Isn't that the same thing that most WS do? Share intimate details with someone of the opposite sex, either online or at work etc?

I don't think it is a boundary violation if it isn't crossing any boundaries for the poster or poster's spouse. One of the posters was explicit in saying "My wife has given me permission to write an answer". In the emails I found on dday, my XH DID NOT have my permission to post the graphic things he posted, he didn't want to "educate" the mistress and he certainly knew he was crossing boundaries when he started talking about our sex life with his OM, this just feels different somehow...

I didn't find the details titillating on the thread in general, just interesting. Very interesting sort of like a living textbook.

[This message edited by better4me at 12:02 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
hummingbird8
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Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like I said I didn't read much of either thread. But I'm pretty sure I seen both men and women who are not single posting or answering questions to what I consider explicit or intimate questions. If they had their spouses permission great. But unless both spouses are on here I don't know how we would know if that's true.

I just know I wouldn't feel comfortable with my husband or myself doing these things. I don't see it any different if they were in any other kind of forum and started talking about sex or our sex life.

If you're single I of course don't see a problem. I just see it as a very slippery slope.


Posts: 499 | Registered: Aug 2009
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the reason for asking questions is that when your SO has an affair it makes you question the very foundations of your life together. Sometimes it's difficult to see the wood for the trees. What you thought was a foundation for a relationship, your beliefs, your perhaps long-held opinions just crumble into dust.

Personally I feel that our marriage has had to start again from scratch - or d-day. So it's interesting to see other mens' opinions on certain issues, not because I don't want to talk to my H about them, but questions have arisen that I wouldn't necessarily have thought about. And the more open I am to new ideas the better.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 222 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Weatherly
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Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've enjoyed the threads as well. We were on a road trip last weekend, and I read H the questions and we discussed things, it was nice.

Like I said I didn't read much of either thread. But I'm pretty sure I seen both men and women who are not single posting or answering questions to what I consider explicit or intimate questions. If they had their spouses permission great. But unless both spouses are on here I don't know how we would know if that's true.

I'm one of the people who answered some of the more intimate questions. And, I'm married. I saw sitting at the kitchen table with H beside me, eating, while I typed. He said "what'cha doing?" I said answering questions, read him my reply, asked if there was anything he was uncomfortable with. There wasn't.

Right now though, we are both probably a bit more open about things, because we've had some struggles with generalizations about sex. Nothing major, but we've definitely had to relearn some things. I think there is a lot of misleading and misunderstood info about sex. And, when you hear something that sounds off, especially after an A, I think it is normal to ask "wait, is this normal?" Where else are you gonna ask? I think it is possible to answer, and still respect boundaries.

ETA: Actually, he did make me go back and change something. Apparently, he was very upset to read I I said he was 5'8" when obviously he "is 5'8" and 3/4, probably 5'9" actually." Now excuse me, I'm going to go change my age on here to 29 and a HALF!

[This message edited by Weatherly at 9:32 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4485 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
NaiveAgain
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Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know for me, sometimes it is really helpful to see how others feel about some of those embarrassing sexual questions.

I guess I'm wondering why it's ok for men and women to be talking about their sex lives with people of the opposite sex. Very explicitly at that too. Isn't that the same thing that most WS do? Share intimate details with someone of the opposite sex, either online or at work etc?
I think it is different on a public forum that anyone can have access to. It isn't a secret, between just two people, that you can hide from others.....

Most of the people on SI are trying to pick up the pieces of their broken lives. Since infidelity can include a sexual component, there are a lot of people who are very insecure about their sex lives. Many people want to know if what they were doing or what they want sexually is normal or okay. An example is whether you can have an O by vaginal intercourse or not. Many women feel defective when they can't, but when you read on here that it is more normal to need other stimulation, it can make a big difference in your sexual confidence.

There are some people on here that would rather die than ask a sexual question IRL (they aren't all like those of us that will ask anybody anything!!!! )

So this seems to be a good, safe place to ask those questions. This is an anonymous site, and unless you go to a gtg at some point, you will never meet any of these people IRL.

if someone was trying to flirt but, speaking for myself, that's not my intention at all.
)Yeah, flirting and trying to hook up with anyone of the opposite sex is HIGHLY discouraged here and can actually result in losing user privileges here. This is supposed to be a safe place to heal and learn, not to prey on the vulnerable. That is another reason many feel it is okay to ask those hard to ask and embarrassing questions.

I can see how they can make some people uncomfortable though, and for those, it would probably be a good idea to stay away from those types of threads. There is a lot here on SI that is helpful for people, you kind of have to pick and choose what parts are best for you (and that can actually change, also, depending on what stage of healing you are in.)

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:20 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15223 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. Apologies if this is long. Happily married man here who posts in both the ask menz and womenz threads. Let me see if I can explain why I feel comfortable posting in those threads. Yes, MrsYop is a member, though you will never catch her posting out in the forums. She's here at the request of other members who wanted to "journal" via pm's with her about NPD MIL's and dealing with their husband's FOO issues. Which is why I'm here. My NPD mom blew my family apart and flaunts her affair to this day which is how I ended up on SI. My FOO issues are pretty extensive complete with NPD mom, suicides, all sorts of mental and some physical abuse.

Neither one of us feel like we really belong here (though many keep telling me otherwise) on SI as you can see that neither one of us is a BS or WS. I guess I'm what you would call a betrayed child. That's not to say our marriage has never had issues. We've had plenty, but we worked through them and turned to each other rather than having an A.

All of that said, MrsYop and I have a deal. She's ok with posting intimate details (which I'll get to why in a minute) but she does not want to read about my past sexual experiences. She knows about them, but she doesn't want the details. MrsYop's a sometimes reader so if I posted something concerning my past sexual experiences I let her know about it so that she can avoid the thread.

The way that both of us feel about posting intimate details is this. It's ok to post them here on SI if they help someone. For example the t/j on the bj thread where I posted a lot of intimate details. The person who created the thread was clearly triggering as well as some of the other ladies that started posting to it. If our intimate details could help that person, or any of the other's, then that post is worth it to us. As our gracious host DS has said to me a few times, SI is about promoting healing and was happy to hear helping other members heal was the reason why MrsYop signed up. No ego kibbles from the dialogue but I must say it makes us both feel good knowing that we helped someone. And of course that goes even more so for the non sexual questions. Plus it might help a few to hear a perspective from a relationship that has not been tainted by an A. MrsYop will not be reading the bj thread, or a few of my posts in the ask menz thread, because they contain a few details from my past relationships that she does not want to know about. I added those details because they were relevant to the questions being asked, i.e. the comparison part of the question in the bj thread.

I also feel comfortable posting to these types of questions on SI. If someone were to have a flirtatious response, God help them and they are going to have 40000+ members come down on them. Rightfully so. This is not the website for that. THAT is also what makes me comfortable being able to give responses and ask these types of questions. I feel safe about posting these responses here. The second someone says "that's so hot" I'm frickin outta there like a bat outta hell. I don't want those responses nor am I looking for them. For the same reasons I would never respond to or ask these types of questions on one of the NPD survivor websites. Who knows what that could lead to or what type of unwelcome responses would happen.

Also, we never plan on meeting anyone from here ever (with the exception of me meeting one or two of the guys someday). So the anonymity of SI lets us be as honest as we can be. Also, MrsYop and I have discussed some of the postings in those threads. They act as a springboard into many of our own discussions. I think it's a very healthy thing for us.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
hummingbird8
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Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I respect those that disagree with me.

I just feel like the daily interaction or dialogue on this site, could easily lead to someone exchanging emails or going down a slippery slope. I understand its against the rules, but that's only if the mods pick up on it.

As a wife (my husband is not a WS, my ex brought me to this site) if my husband had questions about something I would prefer he go to a Dr, or use Google to gain information. I would not think it's ok for him to talk about our sex life with any women which he will then have a chance to know about their life or interact with on a regular basis. Once again that's sometimes how workplace affairs start and then he would also have in the back of his mind, wow she can orgasm like this or she does her blowjobs like that. A moot point because my h doesn't read here, just thought it might give some people things to think about. I think you should guard your marriage and sex life better than that.

I would be curious if any of the BS whose WS talked about their sex life with AP are comfortable now doing the same thing.


Posts: 499 | Registered: Aug 2009
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm single, so not crossing any boundaries for me. I do admit that when I was in a relationship, I felt slightly uncomfortable posting due to the "what if he sees this thread and recognizes me" component. It does feel dishonest to a degree to be posting details about my relationship in a public forum that anyone can read, and I can imagine that a SO would be bothered by that if he stumbled onto it. This is my safe place, and I haven't shared it with a SO yet.

I do really appreciate all the honest responses in those threads though. It helps me to see that there are actually good men out there. When I fell in love with xwSO, I asked him all those same types of questions that's in the ask menz thread. I got all these lovely responses, and then after Dday realized that it was all a bunch of BS. Like, he said that he would be disgusted to pay for sex, but he had paid for sex before he met me. So I started to believe that it was pointless to ask a new SO those questions, because the new SO would just lie and tell me what I wanted to hear too. I got pessimistic, and pretty much thought that all men suck. But reading the responses on that thread gives me hope again. The men have no reason to lie on that thread, and the responses are so refreshing to read. I was surprised by the number of men who said that all they wanted was to have sex with their wife/SO. So, just little things like that makes me appreciate those threads.

Plus, even the non-sexual threads on SI all involve revealing a little too much about the personal details of marriage. It's so we can come together and help each other.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1150 | Registered: Jul 2013
gotmylifeback
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Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm wondering why it's ok for men and women to be talking about their sex lives with people of the opposite sex.

As a former BH who is now remarried, I felt uncomfortable with some of the topics that were discussed. I share things that I post or interesting threads with her. I asked why women have to go to the bathroom in herds. My wife read my posts and the answers that people gave. But, she became upset (understandably) when she read other questions that were sexual in nature (why are men so focused on anal). I reassured her and stopped following those threads.

As we say on SI, take what you want/need and leave the rest. But, I know that some of the questions while not intended to offend anyone, could bother some or cause unintentional triggers.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stay away. After divorcing a SA, way too triggery.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17381 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not discuss my sex life with anyone, anywhere. It is 100% between me and SO.

OTOH - I will gladly offer input about male behavior patterns. And to be honest, I find the behavior of many males to be quite appalling.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9177 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, usually if I see something I don't want to be apart of, I just skip it...that's just me. Simple. Done.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
asurvivor
♂ Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, usually if I see something I don't want to be apart of, I just skip it...that's just me. Simple. Done.

now that makes way too much sense.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 19

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