There are a few factors at play but the major one from XH's perspective is that he's sick and tired of my negativity and bad attitude about life.
I am unhappy. Not specifically with XH but with life in general. A huge portion of that unhappiness I attribute to work. It's not so much the work itself (which is physically demanding and exhausting) but the fact that the hours required completely drain away my life. Literally, I feel like I'm pouring the precious hours of my one and only life into the toilet bowl and flushing, every day.
I'm at an impasse. Quitting is not an option for a few reasons. Yet XH can't stand it anymore. He has valid points. I am a bitter, angry, roiling pit of bile all the time. I only show a part of it---he wouldn't BELIEVE how bad it really is---he'd be horrified if he knew---and yet he's reached his limit with the parts I do show. He's done if things don't change.
He is willing to go back to MC. I need to go back to IC. Thus begins the struggle to find counselors who are affordable and can see us on Saturdays. It's a huge hassle but I'm willing to do it for us.
In the right here and now, though, I need all the advice I can get from you all on overcoming a pervasive pattern of negativity. I want to fix myself. It's clear to me that I've done work on the issues of integrity and morality and boundaries and all the infidelity-related stuff while neglecting everything else, so now it's grown into a monster so big I don't even know where to begin or how to cope.
Please help me. All replies welcome.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciling after divorce
"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"
if your overall view has turned to negativity, then there is a root that needs addressed.
You mentioned your work, and that your work is a terrible place. I suffered from this perspective myself. Now I work for me. Figuratively, not literally. I do not accept the abuse, give my honest opinions. And defer to their leadership. I work the best that I can, but I do it for me now. Not for their praise or recognition. Not because I am scared to lose my job. But because I want to be the best me there is. I am actively looking for another job. But I will tell you that since my change in attitude my interviews go better.
Why are you bitter and angry all the time? What are the deep feelings tied to that these emotions are bringing out? Try and identify what is really going on inside you. Meditate on it. Think about before bed and prepare yourself for the dreams that may come from your subconscious.
Think about the positives in your life. Make a list 2 columns, 1 positive 1 negative. if the negative all revolve around your job. You should entertain finding a new one. Don't feel stuck in the job, get creative with solutions. "If we trim this bill, drop that service, cut back this thing then I could afford to take a lower paying job. " Be creative, don't allow yourself to be a victim. Take control. You can do it!
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
Is there a different position you can work toward in this company, or have you search a job that is comparative in Wage.
Sometime too, the overall unhappiness is more of the whole you. Something is keeping you from being happy. What is it.
Cause I know people that work in the very sluggies of muck and are enjoying life.
There are people who work in 30 above weather moving concrete basement floors piece by piece through a window , living at Salvation army with no home that sound happier.
Depression can show as anger, frustration and self hate can show as anger and negative thinking, I know I have been there and fight it continuously.
Changing negative to positive is hard it is really a mind set.
Take quotes post them on your mirror, so when you get up and get ready, they remind you what to be grateful for. Find something your aspiring too. I don't your ages, do you both have an idea what you want to do when you retire or where. Perhaps a picture or a story board or a photo book with picture cuts to tell a story.
I know we all talk about living in the now. Which is great it help stop the over control or the feeling of everything out of your control, but... we all need dreams. What is yours. will this job give you the ability to achieve that goal , even if its only monetarily. Maybe its not mentally, emotionally or spiritually uplifting, can it give you the means to achieve something in acouple of years?
I just speak of this , because it is few of the things I have done.
I had the overall unhappiness it ate me alive. What is was I was ashamed of myself. Not only from my Affairs but from my child hood. Deep down I blamed myself. My IC was able to walk me through and I was able to had back the shame which then I was able to release me anger and resentment and my negative thinking.
My affairs, I am learning to accept them, accept what they were for and accept the shame that goes withit. And weirdly it has helped. Integrity , boundaries, they come from yourself and they can be learnt and agreed upon.
Your core has been affected some way my guess, find it, and give back the feeling if you shouldn't be the carrier and try to accept the feelings if you are, there was a reason for them.
Sorry so long winded. I had a discussion like this just before Christmas 2013 and had to really look, and it showed up again in March, and it was my shame swimming and feeling like a failure coming to the top and coming out in anger and just not nice attitude.
I hear you, just try to find your IC as soon as you can. Good luck
I had a hard time doing that in the old job because I'm rather severely type A, and the firm had a 'better, harder, faster' culture- it's a dangerous combination to breed workaholics. I survived there by forcing myself to have perspective- it was quite literally just a job. I learned to walk away from it when it was over for the day. Having music on for my commute home helped, as did a glass of wine with dinner (when I was home for dinner).
Long story short: Try to find your give-a-shitter. And recalibrate it for what matters.
For me, everyday was the worst day of my life. I used to sometimes go around saying that. I grew up with an NPD mom. I had it beat into my head every day that I was not good enough. Zero confidence, low self esteem, no self worth. I became suicidal at age 14 and had it all planned out. I watched one of my class mates beat me to it and hung herself two days prior to when I was going to do it. I remember the two weeks that I had planned out were two of the most peaceful weeks of my life...because I had let go of life. I had even put my father's shotgun in my mouth to see how it felt and see if I could go through with it.
I saw the fallout from the other girl's suicide and decided I couldn't do it. So I picked my negative bags back up and I carried on. I remained somewhat suicidal from the age of 14 - 18. Most certainly was depressed to say the least. My dark cloud was always following me to say the least.
Fast Forward to my 21st birthday. My brother says his "quite goodbyes" on my 21st birthday. Much in the same manner I did 7 years prior. But I missed the fact that's what he was doing. Day after my 21st birthday he used that same shotgun that I had intended on using. His death was also controversial in the town I grew up in. So not only did I have tremendous survivors guilt, I got to watch it play out in the local media. Then the national media camped out on our front lawn, but we ended up not talking to anyone so it eventually went away. Then later that year a childhood friend comes back from the Marine Corp with Hodgkin's. Later that year I said goodbye to him. A couple of months after that a good friend at work died from breast cancer. A few months after that, my grandfather, who was one of the few who was kind to me and would spend time with me died of a heart attack. Next, my grandmother. Next, another childhood friend. The body count wracked up pretty quickly in a two years. Not to mention I still was struggling at home and was surrounded by any drugs that I wanted. I kept slipping further down the rabbit hole. I was even attracting negative people.
So how did I stop all this? It was a conscious effort. A couple of weeks after my brother died, I remember sitting on my bedroom floor thinking to myself, well, I could start taking every drug under the sun and start to slowly commit suicide again. Or I could choose to be alright. I actually said out loud "I'm going to be alright". That was my first step. Next up, I started to become bound and determined to have a better life. I set goals for myself. I finished getting my degree while working 60 hours a week. Once I knew I was going to get my degree, I picked a new city to live in. I went and did an interview and got a job. Finished my degree, got out, and never looked back. All while transforming myself from a "bitter, angry, roiling pit of bile all the time". It's not easy to get away from the mindset let me tell you. Honestly I spent so much energy trying to stay in that mindset. I knew I had to change myself and I did that by first consciously acknowledging that I needed to change and then second setting goals for myself to get out of it. I'm still a pessimistic bastard at heart. There are still many days where my dark cloud is with me, but those days have become less and less over the last 20 years since I made that conscious decision to be alright. I often have to consciously force myself to think differently. Going from today sucks, I can't wait to go to sleep and just get it over with to today wasn't so bad. No one died today, so I guess that's a good thing. Eventually that thinking progressed to not only did anyone not die today, but I had fun doing xyz. It was a good day. All of this thinking I had to force myself to do consciously. Almost like some sort of positive affirmation. I still struggle. After having all my FOO issues pounded into me, I will always struggle. But I'm way more happier in life now than I ever have been.
So what about you? What are you going to consciously say to yourself to get yourself out of this quagmire you are in. No one's going to help you. You have to do it on your own for yourself. Do you want to live a happier life? Of course you do or you wouldn't be here asking this question. So start to consciously change your thinking. If you want to get out of that job, what would it take. Start setting goals for that. It's a choice and you have to want it. So go get it.
ETA - Joanh and TheIrishGirl got it too. Cross posted with them
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 8:53 PM, June 30th (Monday)]
I've been there. I worked for a package moving company for a couple years. Physically demanding job. Terrible hours. High stress workplace.
Some jobs are capable of destroying you. I am a very happy-go-lucky person, but this job had me saying things like "I hate my putrid life" out loud each morning in the shower before going to work. Yes, I actually said that. Each day. Verbatim. Vacations were awful. I would just sit and count down the days before I had to return to hell.
Some jobs are just not worth it.
Don't paint yourself in a corner. You say that quitting is not an option. I think you haven't really considered your options.
I assume you look each day at the job openings out there. Can you take a different job for the short term while searching for your ideal job? Is there family/friends that can pitch in financially to help fill the gap while on the job search? Can you sell your home? Can you bunk with family while searching for another job?
If the job is destroying you, my advice is to consider quitting, taking the first decent part-time job out there for the short term to help cut your losses, and then begin your job search for your ideal job.
You might run in the red for a little bit. Think of it like college. You are investing in a better future. It will cost up front but be so worth it down the road.
Changing shifts won't be an option for a while yet, but he got himself in line for a day shift. Started antidepressants, IC, trying to make time for things he loves, and trying to develop a habit of purposely looking at his blessings every day instead of focusing on what he does not have. Making a few minutes every day to read to the kids and to cuddle with me, before he sleeps. He told me he isn't going to just quit his job, he will just have to start on thirds somewhere else, so he is focusing on making his perceptions and attitude healthier. Changing his viewpoint.
I never would have thought working nights could cause be so damaging. He is working so hard to reclaim himself and be healthier and the whole family feels it.
Sometimes we are so worn down that trying to make it better seems impossible. Can you address one thing at a time? Maybe you and your SO could brainstorm some ideas, and just write them down and choose just one thing(IC, as you already have). Get that going, and it will likely help you clarify the next best thing to focus on, and so forth. One step at a time, hopefully with your SO in the loop so he can see your effort.
I wish you all the best.
Until you get there I think you need IC as soon as you can. Also, I'd recommend looking into ADs too.
I am unhappy.
I've been there. Which is why I relate to the main character in the movie Office Space. It's a hopeless feeling. There's no way for a person to devote 40 or more hours a week to something he or she hates and not be a miserable person.
The only solution is to find something you like and come up with a plan to make it happen. For me, it involved going to school and getting a professional license. It was hard, expensive, and risky. For others it means finding a job in the same field for a different company that has a better work environment.
Quitting is not an option for a few reasons.
Neither is the status quo. It's making you and your loved ones miserable.
Don't quit without a backup plan, but there's a solution to every problem. You just need to figure out what it is.
I appreciate you all.
But if it makes you unhappy and even is putting your marriage at risk I would think pretty drastic alternatives need to be considered.
If you can't change it for several years I urge you to challenge why. Have you actually mapped out your other options and listed the pros/cons and logistics of each? Downsizing - taking a paycut for less hours. I don't know what you do so it's hard to offer tailored suggestions.
That exercise alone could help you be more content with the status quo even if it doesn't identify a more suitable option.
Even if all of the other options suck sacrificing your emotional health, joy, happiness and your M is simply not worth it in the long run. No matter what the payoff. You do it for a short while when you have to but you never give so much blood that it hurts you.
Life is way too short. It is a cliche but it's true. I do the rocking chair test. How will I think back on this time when I'm a rocking on my rocking chair? How important will it be then, really? It helps me prioritise what is really important vs what I currently think is important.
He fears since you are still negative, that you will blame him again, and have another affair.
You need to stop making it all about you.
Your husband is likely unhappy, too, and had issues he was unhappy about prior to your affair, yet he did not cope by cheating.
I had lots of things to be unhappy about, but I did not cheat.
So, when my husband starts ranting about life, I get nervous that he will once again blame me for his unhappiness, and have another affair as a solution.
Also, trust me, your affair was very depressing for your husband. In addition it likely robbed him of his self esteem, and magnified every self perceived flaw he ever imagined in him.
You really need to get a handle on what makes you happy and go after it, without blaming your husband.
Think about the positives in your life.
Yes. That is a good idea.
My personal opinion is that people who are prone to affair, often look ONLY at the negatives in their live.
I was always the cup is half full sort of person, and my wayward is and was a cup is half empty sort of guy.
We choose to happy. It doesn't just happen.
If your job makes you unhappy, find a new one. You are in charge.
I am not trying to be harsh, but the work issues causing your negativity is a you issue. Coping, dealing or changing that part of your life is well within your responsibility and control.
Make sure to keep that issue separate from your relationship with XH. By bringing that negativity from work into your relationship you are trying to make it a us issue thus trying to cope by using your XH and your relationship as a emotional punching bag. Sharing how it makes you feel versus projecting those things onto your XH and your relationship are going to end your relationship.
So focus on the problem. Your Job. Is it really that a change is required ? Or is it a temporary "rough path" in your career ? What are your options ? A lot of ICs specialize in occupational therapy. You'd be surprised how many people just go to IC to learn coping skills to handle the stress of their job.
Look I have spent 14 years doing a job that I really don't like all that much. It affords me a lifestyle that I like. It allows my W and children to pursue things in life that make them happy. It is a trade off. Which is more important to me ? Does the cost justify the reward ? Just things for your to think about.
So I have to ask myself if the trade off worth it ? Today it is, but I have lots of rough patches. I have to remind myself that if my job makes me miserable not to let it effect the parts of my life that can make me happy. It is not my Ws, my M, my kids or even that person that cuts you off the highways responsibility to change what is not working for me. Further it is not their job to find a way to make it work for me. It is mine and mine alone. Everyone has free will. Remember that when you feel trapped. It takes some practice and I often need a cooling off period before I come from work. It helps.
I work as a means to enable me to enjoy my life, but if my job makes me so miserable that I can't, what the hell am I doing ?
Accept responsibility for the things you can change, find the strength to deal with those that you can't. Finding which one this is is the rub.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
First let me address some things about the job. It is a blue-collar union job with rigidly defined parameters as far as hours and expectations....in other words no way to cut back time spent there or shift some less urgent work to another time. There are different shifts and since I am technically "part time" (at 60 hours/week ) I could feasibly return to a different shift with shittier work times but less than half the hours. This is the plan for when we have a baby. I haven't done it thus far because the pay has enabled me to be completely independent financially. When XH and I were married I was still very junior in seniority and had to work the overnight shift at less pay. I didn't like the fact that I had to rely on him.
I have considered looking for other work. I have a college degree in a field without many career choices (stupid me) so I'm not sure how well that would serve me. I have no experience doing anything else; I've been at my current company for almost 10 years and before that I was in a similar industry during and immediately post-college. And my company provides good health insurance; with a chronic disease I'm afraid to lose that insurance and start all over a.) paying for insurance somewhere else while making less money, b.) being uninsurable, or c.) having to rely on *****Care which I've heard is shitty coverage.
DrJekyll, you asked some good questions that I'll have to think about and come back to later.
Does it help to talk about the day, to aliviate the frustration? If so can you and your H make a time for you to just debrief? Is he able to hear it and just leave it , and can you do that,say it , get it out and leave it till you walk through the door at work?
He's not very OK with talking about it. He works there too, and hates the job more than I do, but he just stuffs it in and bottles it up and doesn't take it out on the world at large like I do. Once he's off the clock he doesn't want to hear anything about it. He wants it completely compartmentalized....put in a box, lid shut tight, and stress completely diminished until clock-in the next day. That's not me, that's not my personality. It bleeds into everything I do.
Long story short: Try to find your give-a-shitter. And recalibrate it for what matters
I agree with this. I would say I give a shit insofar as I care about doing the job with integrity and to the best of my ability. I don't care about the company beyond that they stay in business so I get paid. I'm not invested in a "corporate culture" or really even care what my supervisors think or say as long as I know I'm giving them my honest best and can back it up. More than anything it's the time suck. I've yet to find a way to recalibrate the give-a-shitter to the point where I'm OK with spending up to 14 hours a day at work and traveling to-from and then being too worn out to do anything more than make a quick meal and fall asleep.
I know that makes me sound extremely shallow and self-pitying. I know there are many people for whom that's just life, they do it every day without an attitude. And many of them do it with kids to raise. I also know there are many people who would kill for my job, its pay and benefits. I know there are homeless families with no way to feed their kids, and I'm bitching about no time for leisure. I know this. So why is it so hard to adjust my mindset?
Those are all the replies I can get to right now....I'll be back tonight with more. Thank you.
OK - I'll be the pain in the ass here - quitting is ALWAYS an option. If this job is the nightmare in your life, and is sucking your time, physical energy, and happiness from your life, it needs to go.
I know that will mean changes - lifestyle, free money, whatever it is - but if you stay in a place that makes you miserable, then you'll continue to be miserable. You don't want to wake up in 10 years and still be at this job, XH still miserable or gone, you angry, spiteful, and not enjoying life at all. If you keep saying quitting is not an option, that's exactly what will happen.
The only thing you can't quit is being you. Everything else is in your life because you allow it to be in your life.
Yes - I say this to hopefully kick you off the 'quitting is not an option' fence. I know, not what you wanted, but you have clearly identified a large source of your unhappiness. I'm not going to try to help you work around that. It won't work.
For me, everyday was the worst day of my life. I used to sometimes go around saying that.
Yep. And this one from Saturnpatrick:
"I hate my putrid life"
Substitute the F word for "putrid" and you have what I say every day.
YOP, I really appreciate your thoughtful post and the description of how you were able to get your mindset back to health. I'm sorry for all of the pain and losses in your life. Honestly, that in itself reminds me to count my blessings.
I agree that it requires an intentional effort. I think a large part of my issue is that I let it get so bad that it became a habit. That being the case, I'm sure it's possible to form a new habit in the reverse.
So what about you? What are you going to consciously say to yourself to get yourself out of this quagmire you are in.
Very small step today: I made the effort to focus on the positive. I said out loud that it was a beautiful day and the day's work wouldn't be that bad. Tomorrow I'm going to make an effort to smile at or say one nice thing to every person I come in contact with.
Vacations were awful. I would just sit and count down the days before I had to return to hell.
Yep. Pretty much nails it. And that's a big part of the contention between XH and I, as it happens. He doesn't understand why I'm negative on the weekends because to him, it's our time off and our time to relax and be together. To me, they are just filled with dread because it's just the countdown back to hell.
If the job is destroying you, my advice is to consider quitting, taking the first decent part-time job out there for the short term to help cut your losses, and then begin your job search for your ideal job.
If I were to do that, I would just keep my same job and disqualify myself from my current position and go back to the shitty-hour part-time shift. I've been biding my time until it's time to have a child. I just have to make it through until then.
Your description of your H's struggles with his schedule sounds dead on to my own. Thank you for sharing. Not that I want anyone else to suffer, but it IS nice to know that I'm not alone (or crazy ).
Maybe you and your SO could brainstorm some ideas, and just write them down and choose just one thing(IC, as you already have). Get that going, and it will likely help you clarify the next best thing to focus on, and so forth. One step at a time, hopefully with your SO in the loop so he can see your effort.
This is a good idea. Thank you.
I will have to give your problem/solution question some more thought. But I did want to reply to this:
Also, I'd recommend looking into ADs too.
I have considered it but I've been trying like hell to avoid it. I've taken one kind before and I didn't like how they made me feel; also, when I get pregnant, I don't want to have to worry about whether or not it's safe to take something like that.
Office Space pretty much sums it up. Thanks for the encouragement. I know I need to do something.
When I'm having a hard time and in a situation I can't change for a time I always try to have firm 'next steps' and/or an exit plan in place. Just having a firm plan and an end date helps me cope with the interim.
There's not a firm date but a loose general one, and this was helping for awhile. Time is just seeming to drag. It doesn't help that I beat myself up over all the mistakes I made in the past that I feel contribute to this feeling. If only I'd studied something different in college. If only I'd done more research about what my current job would entail. If only I hadn't cheated (we'd have a child by now and XH wouldn't have done what he did money-wise). Etc., etc.
I think your husband is fears that your unhappiness with life in general was blamed on him and that is how you justified your affair.
He knows I never blamed him for my unhappiness (and currently don't) and he knows that is not why I had the affair.
Those are all the replies I could get to last night/this a.m......back on lunch break later with more.