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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help needed from BS and WS please
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have considered it but I've been trying like hell to avoid it. I've taken one kind before and I didn't like how they made me feel also, when I get pregnant, I don't want to have to worry about whether or not it's safe to take something like that.

HB,
That's what the doctor is for. Don't assume it's risk. I'm back on ADs. I was fine when I got off of them but a lot of things happened that put me back into a bad place. For that reason my IC recommended ADs and I agreed. It isn't permanent. It's just something that can help while you address the issues that make the depression worse. Also, the physical exhaustion and medical condition you mentioned can contribute to depression. Those are factors outside of your control working against. So get something else into the mix that will work for you.

I do understand the caution. I didn't get on board with going back on ADs right away myself. Just explore the options further. There are a lot of choices.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3798 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, back temporarily. Thanks for y'all's patience.

He fears since you are still negative, that you will blame him again, and have another affair.

I don't think he fears another affair. I think he simply fears me making his life miserable. And he knows I never blamed him in the first place, so "again" is n/a.

Embers2fire,

That is a very inspiring story. I admire your courage. I know that, were I willing to make those kinds of drastic changes, I would have a better quality of life. Until now, I've been unwilling to make a change. It's at the point now where change in some direction is nonnegotiable. I'll have to do some serious thinking to determine in which direction.

numb&dumb,

I am not trying to be harsh, but the work issues causing your negativity is a you issue. Coping, dealing or changing that part of your life is well within your responsibility and control.

Not harsh at all. You are completely correct. Your entire post was all stuff I needed to hear. Especially the part about considering the trade-off and about how it's affecting things with XH. You nailed how he feels.

Painfulpast,

You're right, it's an option. I guess I should have stated in my original post that "not an option" more means "not an option I'm willing to exercise due to factors A, B and C." I have a bad habit of using the wrong phrase as a means of simplifying the idea.

210012,

I'm glad you were able to take the time you needed to care for your mental health. That would be an ideal situation for me. I know a coworker of mine has done that, for similar reasons to mine. Unfortunately he's on the verge of them trying to terminate his employment because they think he's taking advantage.


Thanks again for all the very helpful advice and sharing your situations. I am trying to make a conscious effort to work through it. Honestly I am tired of being miserable myself....it's not just for my relationship.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2135 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't read every response thoroughly so I apologize if I'm rehashing.

HB, I'm not trying to be nosy but you've mentioned a chronic illness before and in this post. Are you really physically able, with pain or fatigue or any of the rest of crap that go along with chronic illness to still work at this demanding job? It will take a toll on your physically AND mentally, if you are not. As will struggling with a feeling of failure etc if you have to admit that you can no longer do things as easily as you once could -- it did for me anyway.

I didn't have children, and was a Type A, so my work defined me. My strong work ethic meant everything to me. When I could no longer live up to my own high internal standards the more depressed I got. Are you a perfectionist? I wish I'd had understood the need for IC earlier when dx with a chronic illness. Whether we want to believe it or not, it can cause changes we sometimes aren't even aware of.

I haven't done it thus far because the pay has enabled me to be completely independent financially. When XH and I were married I was still very junior in seniority and had to work the overnight shift at less pay. I didn't like the fact that I had to rely on him.

So under this unhappiness feeling what I'm seeing is fear. Fear of relying on your XH. And a fear of vulnerability and losing some independence. If so, ICR to that too. All of that fear made me continue to push myself far past my limits.
Have you talked to him about this? He doesn't sound like he's easy to discuss feelings with.

How will you rely on him, financially etc when you have a baby?

At the very least, try to develop time for things that bring you joy or begin meditation. You need a life outside of work or you will burnout. Life is meant to be lived and not simply endured. Take care.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to make a conscious effort to work through it. Honestly I am tired of being miserable myself....it's not just for my relationship.

That's where it all begins heartbroken. Once you get sick of feeling this way and start making the changes, it will feel good. Like you are shedding baggage. Like anything else though it takes time and practice to change your thinking so there will be times you regress. To be expected. As long as you are sick of it, as was I, then you have probably hit your bottom on this and it's time to move up. You will be surprised once you realize how much energy you spent negativity.

Wishing you strength and courage.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I hate my putrid life"
Substitute the F word for "putrid" and you have what I say every day.

My personal opinion is that you need to adjust your internal dialogue.

In my marriage, about 80% of our marriage worked great and about 20%, not so much. I was focusing on the 80 and WH focused on the 20. He gave up on the marriage over the 20. Cheated on me and went against everything he believed in because he was SO focused on the 20.

Shift your focus.

Even if it's 99% shitty and 1% halfway decent. Put your attention on the halfway decent, whatever it is and however small it is. Energy flows where attention goes...is that right?

Adjust your expectations for awhile if necessary. I read somewhere that we create our own unhappiness by resisting what IS. That has proven true in my life over and over. I'm trying to learn from it and become quicker to recognize when I'm resisting.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DixieD,

you've mentioned a chronic illness before and in this post. Are you really physically able, with pain or fatigue or any of the rest of crap that go along with chronic illness to still work at this demanding job?

You're not being nosy. Technically, am I physically able? Yes. Someday that may change. Realistically? It's taken more of a toll than I like to admit. It's not simply the job that's exhausting, the illness magnifies it. Same with pain, same with some other stuff too. I'm 33 but many days I feel decades older.

As will struggling with a feeling of failure etc if you have to admit that you can no longer do things as easily as you once could -- it did for me anyway.

Definitely. I don't ever want to get to the point where I have to admit I can't do it anymore. Even though strangely in some ways that would be a relief, it would be a matter of pride.

Have you talked to him about this? He doesn't sound like he's easy to discuss feelings with.

I've tried to discuss it a little. He is not easy to discuss things like this with.

How will you rely on him, financially etc when you have a baby?

Good question. I always thought I'd feel, in that case, that it was for "us", for "the family"---not just me. It would be different relying on him as primary support with a child rather than doing less work as just myself, perfectly capable of doing more. Does that make sense?

I've gotta fly out the door....I'll clarify anything later....


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciled and remarried.


Posts: 2135 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 3rd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

heartbroken

I don't ever want to get to the point where I have to admit I can't do it anymore.

I had this fear to, and created a "projected persona" of being superman. This has taken a big toll on my body.

One of the biggest steps I have made and continuously work on is "asking for help" realizing that I can't do everything all by myself.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 27
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